The Last Night
If this is the last night
Then I'm going to do it right
Either the night will never end
Or my heart will never mend
The thought of you going
Stops me from knowing
This is the last chance of feeling no pain
I'm going to live it again and again
Remember the days we spent together
The memories that will last forever
It feels as though you're drifting away
Truth be told I want you to stay
But as hard as it may seem to be
A part of you will always belong to me
I know tonight will never be forgotten
I truly know you'll remember it often
So as this night comes to an end
My heart is already beginning to mend
Because the tought of you going
Keeps me hoping
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Hey Megan! I'm Evi; nice to meet you.
I'll take a look at your poem today.
Alright, I feel that you should be forewarned for the future-- using an AABBCC rhyming scheme is only going to bring you pain and suffering. This is what you've done here. You rhyme every line with the last, so naturally it's going to sound forced, a bit off, unconnected, and a little cheesy. Unless you are a poetic master/genius, I'd suggest most people stay away from AABBCC, because it means that you become a slave to your poem's rhyming scheme and can't just let the inspiration flow. *nods*
Now, that doesn't mean this can't be improved. That's why I'm here, ta?
I really do like this line, actually. See, I tell people that there are four things holding together your poem: rhyme, rhythm, meaning/emotion, and word choice. For poems that don't rhyme, that leaves them with three things holding their poem together. Yours does rhyme. That can be good, but that's one more thing you have to do right. With rhyming, things have to flow naturally; they have to match up correctly with the words and emotions you're putting behind the rhyme. I think you do that here, but not really in the other rhymes. It's forced. Very, very, forced.
Errr...
This doesn't really rhyme unless you pronounce 'again' funny, and in such a very rhyme-y poem, you need your rhymes to be solid and correct. Just because the words look alike doesn't mean they sound alike. *sigh* The terrors and trials of the English language.
This doesn't really make sense, love. You've been talking about the person very highly, and I don't think they are having a hard time believeing that they will be with you forever. It's easy to tell that you still care for them, even though the relationship might be over, so why are you alluding to the fact that your love for them is a secret that nobody knows? I'd reword this and find a new rhyme.
First of all: tought is spelled thought, you silly!
Now, this last line is the biggest contradiction of them all. You keep saying that you're sad to see them go, that you still love them, that they'll always be with you, that you want to make these last moments good ones--- and then, suddenly, you're happy to see them go away?
So, PM me if you need anything! I though you had a couple of really nice lines in here, with good rhymes, you just need to work on your word choice and staying consistant with meaning. Good luck!
~Evi
This was a good attempt, but personally I found it a bit mediocre and "samey". There's a nice rhythm in this poem, enhanced by your use of rhyme, but I'd suggest not relying on rhymes to make your piece recognisable as poetry. I can't recall a single exceptionally good piece of poetry where rhymes are used at the end of every line.
There's also a typo in the second last line.
Some people would disapprove of your lack of punctuation, but personally I don't think this matters much - you have artistic (or, in this case, poetic) license, so you can do whatever you like with your poem. But don't be surprised if someone thinks this is an awful poem because there aren't any commas/full stops at the end of each line.
Imagery will also produce good responses from many people. But beware of using cliches, as some people might label you as unimaginative if you don't produce enough unique material.
You've displayed some talent in this poem, but I think you could produce something far better.
Hello there!
Just a fore-warning. I am not a qualified poem critic. I have no poetic experience so you really do not have to listen to anything I have to say. I tend to comment of the actually meaning of the piece, punctuation, or anything that irks me. I will not be any help for actual formating.
Let us begin!
First off, this is unrelated to your poem, but it seems that your are new to YWS. Here we have a 2:1 ratio which means you have to review to other peoples works before you can post one of yours. It seems apparent that you have not done so. I will let it go this once, and you will probably get a notification from the mods but keep it in mind. If you don't follow the rules, who knows what will happen. I recommend you go review two other peoples works.
First Stanza
Here we go.
This first stanza is alright. One thing that I am going to comment on is your variancy of vocabulary. You used never right after each other in to different lines, and that doesn't work with me being a normal writer. Try using a synonym for never and make you poem more entertaining and to get a better story building.
The ending also irks me. I do not like how you phrased it. It seems off from the rest of the piece. The meaning I pick up from it is simply that 'the thought of the person leaving makes you wonder if you will ever see him again'. If that is what you were trying to get here, then I would make an effort to rearange it to make more sense.
I believe you could even possible end your sentences with a correct punctuation, commas or periods. I do not know what was supposed to be ending of sentences or continuations, that is for you to figure out. I know for sure that after 'stops me from knowing' you should have a periods.
Second Stanza
First off, I would like to comment on your rhyming with 'pain' and 'again'. The actual pronounciation for 'again' should be 'a-gen', not how you wrote it to make it rhyme with 'pain'. It just doesn't seem to rhyme well for me.
The punctuation is the same with the first. You need to fix it up and make it clearer with your periods and commas. I am sure that they should appropirately be there.
Third Stanza
I like the first to lines except it is common sense that you want the person to stay. You could also rearange that to make seem less stating the obvious. The part that doesn't make sense here is the second two lines. It truthfully is not that hard to see that you will always care for that person and the way you phrased makes it not make much sense. When you say 'A part of you will always belong to me' I automatically think you cut off his finger and tied it to a string and hung it around your neck like a necklace. You get bizarre people getting bizarre thoughts, so you have to make it clear what you are trying to say.
The punctuation is the same as before. You may want to make a effort to fix that up. It seems a common mistake, but certainly one that is incredibly easy to fix.
Fourth Stanza
The one piece that bugs me here is 'my heart is already beginning to mend' when you clearly stated before that your heart would never mend if the night didn't last forever. I kind of see what you are going for her; as the night goes on, your opinion changes. But it doesn't seem to work just right with your poem. I believe that you should try to find another way to put it.
Also, I am sure you can find another word that rhymes with 'end' other than 'mend' because certainly you are a creative person. 'Mend' has become over used and I believe that you should try to fix it.
'Keeps me hoping', for what? Are you hoping he will come back? What is his reason for leaving in the first place? I am so confused right now. I believe that you could fix that. Answer my questions with your words!
There was also a grammatical error here. 'tought' should be 'thought'.
You should take my advice for the punctuation.
Overall Comments
Okay, you have great potential here. You seem yo have found words to rhyme but your rhyming and poetic-ness seems forced. I believe you should just let the words flow off the page and you will find the right words for it. Muse about it, use metaphors and similies to make it seem more detailed and easier for the reader to understand.
You story in this piece was unclear. I think you should fix that up a bit, maybe changing up the stanza's to make it more of a logical format. Your first verse seems incredibly sad, but your last seems happy. Your stanzas in between did nothing to convert from where you were to where you are now.
I believe you could find other words to use in this predicament. I believe that you should get a thesaurous or something and maybe find more poetic words than the blunt ones you used in this piece.
You also seem to have the same problem as me when you write poetry. The lines get to long and the syllables and paterns don't match up. I got a tip from a reviewer to read the poem out loud pronouncing ever syllable and even tapping out all the syllables with a pencil against the table, and it help me to become able to identify the errors and the alignment that did not work out. I believe if you fix that up you poem will flow a bit better and not seem as forced.
With your punctuation, I do believe that you should add in more. At this moment, you have none other than capitalization. I do not know the proper format for poem punctuation but I am sure someone else will tell you.
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I believe you have great potential and I believe if you just fix it up a little bit a follow closely to what other people say, you will become an accomplished poet in no time.
~Incognito