Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Again I like it as a poem and if you want it to stay a poem I wouldn't change a thing.
If it were a song though there are some things I would change.
I would change it to:
Suddenly my words are harder.
my nights are darker.
Suddenly the situation is not so easy.
and my mind is making
Decisions I don’t wanna be taking,
I would change it to:
Suddenly the skies are brighter.
the days are lighter.
and the complications are blowing over.
Suddenly my eyes are seeing
That maybe with a little believing,
Actually if the song is ment to be a soft and slower song leave the suddenlys, If it is to be a more rock song like I imagined then I would suggest the change.
My only nit-pick is that again all lines are capitalized, change them accordingly with the sentences.
Although my review may not seem so, I really do like what you've written here. This is just my opinion which you don't have to take into consideration.
Great job!
its still good a song and a poem. whatever you want it to be. it stills send out that message you're trying to get out there. its beautiful.
Hi Meg,
This flows well. It winds down nicely and the last two lines are particularly effective. It flows very well as a whole and doesn't sound forced.
The only lines which I think are awkward are;
"Decisions I don’t wanna be taking".
I'd change these two lines, so you have a different word to rhyme with.
"Suddenly my eyes are seeing."
I understand that you're attempting to fit in with the rhyme scheme, but they sound a tad unnatural. As, naturally, your eyes are seeing, and you don't generally "take" decisions.
I'll admit that I don't really know anything about song writing. (There is, to the best of my knowledge, a section here specifically for lyrics, which might be worth a look).
You have a great sense of rhythm and progress nicely from beginning to end. The best tips I have for you are to read poetry (anthologies are very good as you can be exposed to lots of different sorts of writing) and, especially if writing poetry rather than songs, to show rather than tell. For the sake of experimentation it may be helpful to keep your same concept but relate your experience through a series of images. For example, in the first stanza/verse, the speaker is obviously depressed at having devastated someone close to her. How is the depression making him or her act around others? How did she or he know that the other person's heart was broken?
I hope this helps. If you ever need a review again feel free to post in my thread in "will review for food" and then send me a pm to ask me to check my thread. PM me if you have any questions.
Jas
Hello!
So, I think you have a great idea here and I like it, I really only have one problem. And that's the beginning. The first stanza is way too short and way too vague, as it's describing the problem that is supposed to set up the whole song; it feels like you rushed over that part so you could get to the more optimistic part of the song. So it's really hard to feel anything at all, since we readers have no idea what the problem was in the first place...besides obviously some decayed relationship? Hope that makes sense. xD
I also think this sounds a lot better as a song - or would sound better, anyway. As a poem it's okay, but I would definitely make it longer and draw out the anguish in the beginning. Make it so we really identify with the guy, and do this by being specific with what happened/how it happened/how he feels, besides just sad. And then it will be really good.
Hope this helps!
Mars x
Hello, Megan!
People have already said all about punctuation. I want to say, that I like your poem. It made me think. It is poem with rhyme and rhythm. And it has rather deep meaning. It is poem about life, about human, living in the world.
With the best wishes,
Antonina.
You start off in an epic tone - the weight of the world, certainly a larger than life image. However, the setting abruptly changes, and I mean without any type of transition. It goes straight to "breaking hearts" and other such, frankly cliched, matters. After a relatively good opening, the last line in the stanza is weak and disappointing. Change it so that the "epic" voice of the beginning either smoothly falls into the more personal and earthbound point, or remains at its current level.
"Is not" is awkward for a poem and ruins the flow, and I'd imagine it would do the same for the song. Replace it with something shorter - the ideal and obvious candidate would be "isn't"...or maybe "ain't", depending on the style of your song.
Bad transitions, and this time in the content, not the technical structure. For a song, I suppose the word-choice would be simpler than some poetry.
But you go from despair and decisions leading down a destructive road to...hope? All of a sudden? You really do need to explain why there was such an emotional uplifting out of the blue and without any reasoning, or work on how well the process from grieving to hope goes for the narrator. Right now it's very sudden and awkward.
Again, this is too cheery compared to the dark mood of the earlier poem and you didn't show the reader...how it happened. You need to do that, and that should be the first point of editing here because without it, the whole story of the poem/song falls apart.
I couldn't critique this quite like a normal poem because as a song, it's system is a different structure and supposed to be so. However, I tried to make do the best I could out of what I knew about lyrics as compared to poetry.
Hope that helped.
Altogether, I did like this poem, though I'm sure it sounds better as a song. It flows extremely well, and I like the repetition of "suddenly." There were a few punctuation mistakes, and one line that was off, but that's no big deal. For some reason, I feel like I have heard a song like this, but I have absolutely no idea why. So, very nicely done. I'd love to hear it to music.
I like that first stanza, but maybe you could add another question with a why in it? E.g. Why did you have to get hurt? Or something...if you don't like it just ignore me.
Except for a lack of punctuation this stanza is really good. I like the way you continuously use repetition, although some people might not like it I think it really fits with this poem.
Once again it's nice, just a bit more punctuation. And I'd like to say that I like your rhyming scheme for some reason (I'm just random anyways ignore my idiocy).
That is lovely and I really really (repetition intended) love how you made it tie in to the second stanza. Nuff sed.
Peace and love (Y)
Keep writing.
xx Lara
Hi Megan! I believe we have met, but for every details, I'm Kat.
Now, onto your review!
Stanza by stanza! [line by line]
First line: 'Start feeling' seems a pit pushy. Like you're throwing information at us. I would suggest you to put like 'started to feel the weigh of the world' or reword it in other way. Also, even if you do let it as 'start feeling' it's grammatically incorrect. You should do this in the Past Continuous tense. 'I started feeling'.
Second line: Again, the tense of 'get' it's wrong. 'Get' should be 'got', because when you work with 'when' it sounds much better to put it in the past.
Third line: Wow! Now you completely took an 360º turn on your message. Now it's about love. Maybe try ti add another line, before the last one, just smooth this transaction. Now, as you may realise if you read this last line out loud, you see that with 'why', break (present) doesn't sound bad.
First off, just so that I don't have to mention it any further, commas after every suddenly.
First line: Harder? That doesn't sounds like the right adjective for the context. maybe 'harsher'.
Second line: Nothing wrong here, just that it's such a common line. Maybe you should try to put it more creativity.
Third line: The so seems to mess up your flow. I'd suggest to you to cut it out.
Forth line: Nothing wrong here too.
Fifth line: Don't capitalize the 'decisions'. It's a part of the above line. Now, you say I, but above you said it was your mind. Many writers put it as two or three separated persons: you, your heart and your mind. Here, you separated it to you and your mind. Put it either to just you or your mind,. Am I being clear? If not, PM me if you have doubts. No comma needed at the end of the line.
Sixth line: Don't capitalize the 'and'.
Seventh line: This and the following lines have nothing wrong, but are overly used.
First line: Man?! Wow! I believed it was from a girl's sight! Comma at the end.
Second line: Comma at the end. There's one thing I haven't been mentioning. The whole 'wanna' and 'gonna', in poetry, doesn't sound very good, but as I understand that these were lyrics before, I didn't said anything on that matter.
Third line: Comma after fool.
Forth line:Don't capitalize the 'but'. I also wanted to point out that I'm not criticizing this as lyrics (where punctuation and capitalizing aren't the most important things). Comma after 'down'.
Again, commas after every suddenlies.
First four lines lines: Nothing wrong with them, dear
Fifth line: Don't capitalize the 'that'.
Sixth line: Don't capitalize the 'we'. 'The way to go' sounds wrong. Maybe 'our way out', was what you meant. Anyway, just ry to reword it.
Oh! The last two lines are so sweet! So emotional, so perfect. It wrapped it all up very nicely
I really liked this, and would love to hear the music *does puppy eyes* Pretty please?
*Kat*
Keep up the good work!