For the Can You See Me? club, click here!
Can You See Me? ~ Prologue
Liam Bevan paced back and forth in the more or less empty hallway. He ran his hands through his coarse, dark hair, glancing at his watch for the fiftieth time. These things were supposed to be quick, so what was taking so long?
Everything’s fine, he tried to convince himself. Things like this happen all of the time, just relax...It’s going to be fine. No matter how much Liam ran that through his head, there was something unrecognisable in the pit of his stomach that couldn't help but contradict him..
Liam shut his eyes. He thought of his wife's smile, her laugh, her one sided grin.... He thought of the way Eirin would never leave a dinner table without brushing up the crumbs, and the way she always managed to convince their daughter that Bambi used to live in the forest behind their house.
He stopped pacing at the water tank; his throat felt coarse. Picking up the cup, it began shaking in his hand. Trying to calm himself, he pressed the grey button and water soon came rushing out of the facet. Liam lifted the cup to his mouth, pouring the icy water down his throat. He still felt nauseous.
He threw what remained into the filter at the bottom of the machine. Memories of his wife flashed before his eyes as he forced himself to sit down. A weak smile grew on his face. Merely five or so months ago, she managed to dye her hair an orange colour. How she did that, Liam had no idea. She'd wanted to touch up her highlights, apparently. Eirin would have preferred going to work headless than with bright orange hair. They had to drive around almost the whole of South Wales looking for a salon that was open at eleven o' clock in the evening.
The kids were over Eirnin's mother for the night, so they were in no haste to get home. Liam wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not. They did find a salon eventually, even if it did mean trudging up a muddy country lane in the summer rain. When they found out that there was a salon parking lot, Liam felt like shouting a lot of curse words into the sky. His smile was stronger now. He wouldn't have had it any other way.
He ran his hand through his hair. Nothing could last forever, not even perfection, and that fact had slapped him in the face. He sighed, rubbing his temples. Liam's foot couldn't help but tap against the floor, creating a rhythmic echo in the hallway. He hadn’t even heard the news yet.
The operating room doors slowly opened, revealing a rather small man wearing a green surgeon’s outfit. Liam froze. He searched the man’s face, begging that it would reveal something about what he would soon say. Nothing.
There was a thin smile spread across the surgeon’s pale lips. Still nothing. His eyes weren’t taken off the man’s face for a single moment. He nodded at Liam before sitting in the seat beside him. There was something wrong. There had to be.
“Hello, Mr. Bevan.” The man held his hand out for him to shake. “I’m Dr. Ray Porter.”
Liam didn’t care what his name was, and right now, he didn’t feel like shaking anyone’s hand.
He hurriedly shook Ray Porter’s hand, wishing he’d just tell him what on earth was going on - or more importantly, where his wife was.
“As you’re aware, several complications have occurred with your wife’s pregnancy, resulting in an emergency caesarean section.”
Don’t tell me what I already know. Bloody get to it already.
“During surgery, we realised that things weren’t quite going to be as easy as we originally thought. Your wife was losing, and had, lost an awful amount of blood. We had to be awfully caref-”
“Where is she?” He cut off the surgeon.
If there was one thing Liam couldn’t stand, it was tip toeing around a subject. Tip toeing around something like this tightened his chest, made a lump form in his throat. People didn’t avoid a subject for no reason.
Ray Porter quickly shut his mouth, lifting his hand to the bottom of his chin. The man appeared to be thinking. Liam wished that he would stop hesitating every few seconds; these were his feelings he was messing with. He knew that Ray hated these situations because it was written all over his thoughtful face. The way he was avoiding his eyes, rubbing his chin. Small, but noticeable, body language that gave so many things away. The surgeon inhaled deeply.
“I’m sorry, Sir, we did everything we could. It was too late for us to save your wife.”
All that Liam could do was stare. No... Things like this didn’t happen, not in real life. Only on the television, in the media. Eirin was fine yesterday, more beautiful than ever. She couldn’t just be... be gone. Not like that. She was smiling, laughing... No...
He clenched his fists, feeling a lump jolt up his throat.The calmness in Ray Porter's voice made him feel mocked. Nothing about this moment felt calming. Liam's chest tightened, his breath being cut short. He had to be dreaming - he begged to God that he was dreaming. The kids? Meredith and Aiden... They couldn't have their mother ripped out of their lives in one night; they didn't deserve that.
Liam didn't deserve that... His foot began tapping against the tiled floor again. He'd just gotten a promotion; everything was going so well... They'd had some issues with money in the past, and they'd often had to ask relatives if they could borrow some. It was all okay now though... Not that it even mattered. He had his wife and his children; that was all he needed. He didn't even have that now.
As Ray Porter watched him, his careful smile grew weaker due to Liam's harsh face. He must have been expecting a yell of joy or something; at least to have been asked to see the child. Ray slowly removed his thick glasses form his face, observing Liam's face in more detail. He watched the man's face drop.
That news should have created a warm feeling, filled part of the hole that was forming in his heart, but that was impossible for Liam. He stood up again, his fists clenching tighter. He’d lost the one thing he’d always loved, the one person he couldn’t even bare to think about life without. All because of the fact that she became pregnant with that child. If the pregnancy hadn’t happened, he wouldn’t have been grieving. Eirin wouldn’t have been dead.
The surgeon had his eyes on him now, his lips pressed together. He watched Liam as he began pacing back and forth again. He grabbed a cup from the water tank; poured the water in it. Like before, it failed to soothe his dry throat. He was picking at the rim of the cup now, his jaw clenched.
They’d saved the baby... Why hadn’t they saved her? Was the baby more important than her? Is that what they thought? No, this couldn’t have been happening...
“Why... Why couldn’t you save her?” Liam croaked, facing Ray again. “Why could you save it, but not her?”
Ray Porter’s eyes widened, unsure of what he’d just heard. The man was lucky his son was alive, let alone healthy. He shuffled in his seat, still watching Liam.
“Well, it was either two deaths or one, Sir. Your child was the only one with a real chance. Either way, your wife wouldn't have made it. We didn’t have much of a choice.”
He squeezed the now empty cup in his hand, the plastic crackling quietly. Had they even tried to save her? What was so complicated? Someone couldn’t just die like that... Not Liam’s perfect wife. She was strong; how could some short operation, lasting minutes break her so easily? Liam's grip tightened, crushing the cup now.
He tried his very hardest to shake the thoughts out of his head. It was his child... He couldn't think like that. He shouldn't have. But he did. No... He prayed the dreadful thoughts would leave his mind, but he couldn't do what was impossible.
Throwing the cup into the bin, Liam’s chest remained tight. It wasn’t fair... Why had everything gone wrong? They didn’t even want this stupid kid. It was a mistake. Meredith and Aiden were planned; there were no problems with them. They hadn’t harmed Eirin, so why did this one have to?
He resisted every urge to punch at the wall, and instead, he strained his fists until his knuckles were bright white. Eirin didn’t deserve this. She’d done so much good in her life. What had that baby ever done?
*****
A red-haired woman stood by the tiny child in the incubator before her, making sure that he remained stable. Other nurses fussed around with medical equipment in the plastic shelves, along with documents and papers.
The baby had a surprisingly thick mop of white hair on its fragile head, his eyes a deep blue colour, exactly like his mother. There was a specially made tag wrapped around the baby’s tiny wrist with writing scribbled over it.
Name: N/A
DOB: 13/11/95
Gender: Male
Mother: Eirin Bevan
She smiled gently, trying to hush the baby as a couple of weak cries escaped his mouth. He tried kicking his legs and waving his arms, but they were far too weak to move at all. All that the child was able to do was twitch feebly.
The cries began to escalate as the young nurse tried to calm the child down. She couldn’t soothe the baby though because no matter what she did, it was impossible for her to realise the cause of the tears and screaming.
In the corner of the room was a bright light; so white, it almost appeared to be clear. The light soon expanded to reveal a figure of a woman. Her fragile features matched the ones of the infant being hushed by the nurse.
The room lit up with the white light, instantly warming the air. The woman in the light allowed her lips to curve upwards as she laid her eyes upon the baby, whose crying had lessened slightly. As the woman's figure became brighter, the infant's sobbing calmed down. Not for long.
The light around the woman turned a sudden grey colour, darkening all too quickly. Within seconds, it was a midnight black. The air in the room became tight, almost as though it was choking something. Darkness sneaked into the atmosphere, becoming far too heavy. The woman in the now black light’s face fell, her arms rapidly reaching out for something she wasn’t quite able to grab.
A sudden smell of something bitter and unnatural filled the room. It spread a sickening feeling that took over a a person's senses, crawling into their nose and sticking to their throat. A swirl of black smoke wrapped itself around the woman’s body, pulling her into the light still forming behind her.
It stole Eirin Bevan from this world, forcing her into another.
As quickly as she'd appeared, she was gone. Nothing remained but the echo of a terrified scream.
While the woman was vanishing, the young nurse continued soothing the baby, not turning around once to look at the darkness behind her. Not feeling the choking feeling, the tightness around her body. What had just happened was invisible to the naked eye. It was impossible to feel, hear, or smell. Or at least it should have been. There was one, small exception.
His lungs aching from the screeching, the newborn baby could see the darkness clearer than anything else in his new world right now. It was terribly, terribly wrong.
End of chapter
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140,804 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
HI Skins! here as requested... I'm going to give you my overall impression by just reading it:
Grammar:
Excellent, no problems what's so ever.
Storyline/flow:
though I like how much you explain what's happening most don't ( I have this problem as well) Others want us to show and not tell. But I think it's just fine
the story has an awesome beginning but I think maybe adding a prologue and making this a chapter would be better. a prologue could be whatever happened to her to make the cruse come or whatever.. Just so we know.
Impression of MC/C:
my impression of Liam was he was a loving man, who loved his wife and would rather have her than the child. He had no idea of the curse and his wife hadn't told him (or maybe didn't know herself) and cared more for himself (in the moment) than his children (till he got over the shock of the death)
Is that really the aim you were going for???? because if not you might want to change: dialogue/thoughts
It's a great story (with just a few tweaks needed) So on to ch.1!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~pointe
Hey there Skins! Tis WD here! I'm super happy that I got around to reading this.
Yay! So, you have a very nice writing style; it flows easily for the most part and it has moments where it hits the moment being portrayed just right. I like your sense of pacing, the way the prose slows down and speeds up according to what is happening. And your characters are coming across pretty well here. This is a nice start. I haven't read any previous drafts of this, so I'm mostly going to be talking about this fresh, but I hope my comments will help you out as you think about revising this. ^^
I'm going to start with a few technical/believability/moments for elaboration stuff and then touch on a few more general things, kay? ^^
Let's talk about the beginning. I like how the prose mirrors Liam's rather frantic thought process here. That was very well done. Thumbs up! However, I think some more movement and body language here would help round out Liam's reaction. What is Liam's physical reaction to all this anxiety? We get a little bit of this, but more would be great. How does he feel? Does this make him feel nauseous? Also, the moment when he thinks about his wife is a nice touch, but I think it warrants further elaboration. He seems to dwell on those memories, so don't be afraid to slow down and show us the details of those memories! It will round out the character and make the emotional punch more understandable.
Also, watch out for strange word choice here. How can a door be hesitant? Does the fact really slap him? Can a door reveal something? Reading aloud would help a lot with this.
Once again, the thought process is great here. But I think we need more of an image of Liam's physical reaction to the news here. Going into his head is great, but we don't want to lose that perception of space and where he is right now. Also, the premonition thing. This beginning just runs right over this creepy, interesting fact and it just throws me off right now. Why? Because the beginning half tries to explain it. It doesn't explain it in full and it doesn't just hint at it and keep going. I think you need to decide whether you want to hint at it and leave it for further elaboration or lay it all out here. And if you hint at it, make it fast, relevant and let Liam's reaction to it be the intriguing force, then move on. Make sense?
I have a hard time believing this. Surely the doctor has seen something like this before--if not, I imagine he's pretty new to the job, something which would need to come through in his character. I mean, I guess he could find it strange. But we need more insight into his character to make this believable.
The next section with Liam again--I really like how you are focusing on thought process. It's a great way to get into a character, but I would urge you to let Liam move too. Let him engage in action. Don't let his thought process override the down and dirty tricks of body language and action.
The part with the nurse is nifty--I like the image of the darkness and Eirin's body. A lot. Great job there!
So, I'm going to touch on general things now, okay?
POV shifts
I like hopping between POV's. The novels I've written all use POV-hopping to a degree; it's a great technique and it's really handy. However, it also has a lot of pitfalls, and right now I don't think it's pulling its weight. Why do we need the sudden switch to Ray in the beginning? Why can't we just stick with Liam and have him pick up on Ray's uneasiness? I don't really know Liam very well yet--partly because the amount of thought process is overpowering the amount of body language and partly because of this POV switch. Remember, this is the very beginning, so you want to hook the reader with character above all else. The filling out of setting, supporting cast and all that can only work if it flows out of a strong character hook, which catches the reader's attention. The part with the nurse isn't bad--I think the mystery with the darkness is very important and very interesting. But I would urge you to get rid of the Ray part for now.
Thought process and action
I've already touched on this, but right now we get tons of thought process and not so much action and body language. Thought process is awesome and you pull it off wonderfully, but I would urge you in revising to really focus on the image of what is occurring and pull out those details. The body language, the visceral feeling, the expression, the reactions. All these things develop characters and establish dynamics like nothing else, so use them!
Read your sentences aloud!
This is one of those things that comes the more you write, so I'm not going to harp about it. ^^ Some of the word choice and sentences here border on awkward. A lot of it is working well, but there are moments where I get hung up on sentences and individual words. If you want me to, I can pick these out, but I think it's more beneficial for you to do that. ^^ And you do it by reading aloud! I encourage to read everything you write aloud! It will work wonders for those awkward sections and for the rhythm of the prose.
So, to summarize, this was a good read! I like where it's going! What you can work on: think about the POV shifts, develop the characters with more action and read aloud! I'm excited to see where this is going and I definitely want to read further chapters.
Nice job here! Keep writing! If you have any questions or just want to chat about your story, feel free to PM me!
I like this! You're always a great writer!
Keep Writing!
Nike
Okay, so believe it or not, this is kind of an experiment of sorts for me. I have never been ambitious enough to quote someone's work, and actually WORK in there. So we'll how this goes. II'll try to do my comments in bold or something. Dun dun dun...
Okay... so that was an odd experience. For me. Probably not for you. By now, you're probably used to this.
Anywho- sorry. I think that almost all of this was more nitpicking than anything really helpful. The trouble is, you're really good. There's pretty much nothing to critique.
OVERALL:
Wonderful writing style; it's simple, barebones in some ways, but is excellent and more than enough to set the scene and tones. I love how you adopt your characters' worldviews and personalities so well. It's almost like you're schizophrenic (in a good way, I promise). I'm definitely looking forward to reading more... sounds pretty intense so far.
Great job!!!
-Coral-
Hey Skins, here to review!
Um, this sounded kind of weird. Like the doors don't open themselves(of course there are automatic doors, but still it was kind of weird to say the doors hesitantly pulled open. You could try doing some other experiment with the sentence.The Start:I am not sure whether I liked it or not, but it was more or less good. But there were thoughts here and I could actually picture less. But this is a short thing, and I think that can be covered up. But on the whole I found the opener quite intriguing, trying to anticipate the reason he was so worked up.
So, Skins, this was a neat piece and very well-planned story. Honestly, right now I am confused as to how this story is going to progress and what would happen, even though I have read the earlier version. I think the story is now not clear to me and I don't even know if you are going to have the same pattern and characters here, too. It's like the name stayed, the concept stayed but the character, the plot line and all has changed and I hope it's for the good.
My main nit-pick here would be that although your writing was smooth, the grammar good, I didn't actually feel anything. I am not sure if it was your problem or mine. But I thought to tell you what I exactly think about this. The time in the start when the doctor's perplexed as to why Liam was not feeling very happy at the news of his newborn son or some of the sadness had not wilted away, I would like to say that I know he had this thought in his mind that he was probably very shocked, but I still found the doctor unreasonable to have such a thought on his head in the first place. I mean couldn't he have been more sympathizing with the man who had just lost his beloved wife? His reaction seemed very weird, and also the shock and all for Liam was also less. You could have done more with elaborating his pain. It's just what I thought. Secondly, when the doctor says that they could have saved only one, and they saved baby, it was again weird. Because generally in such emergency cases, forms are signed by the husband of the lady and he decides whom he wants the doctors to save. That's what happens here, not sure about the place this is set in. But if there is no such option and also the doctor's had no other option than to save the child, then you should mention it. All and all I would say that this was good, but could have been a lot better. You should have brought in more descriptions and the last scene could be re-written and dramatized more. Sorry, if you don't agree. Your grammar and wordings were great and I have no problem on that account and I know you'd improve the points I gave. So good luck, girl!
Keep Writing,
Shubhi
Oy, Fingers. Punk here.
So, again, late but nonetheless I still managed to make it.
However, I don't have much to say again so bear with me if I somehow sound repetitive.
Now, I'm not going to nitpicks because (insert valid reason here).
Alright, let's take a quick look at your opener. It was great, everything I needed from an opener. It was gripping, it pulled you in and kept you going. Then, you starting talking about the mother, Liam's wife. Honestly, I felt like you over explained it and there were times where I felt like I was reading the same story over and over again. Might want to get rid of some of his "she was perfect and she couldn't just die" thoughts because I felt there were somehow a bit repetitive. For example these two paragraphs and their 'money problems'.
And...
Also, *judgmental.
I'm not that great at writing third person either so I can't fully critique on that. Although, I noticed that some parts were hard to understand with some POV changes but that could have just been my dodgy reading. -___-
Anyway, if we look at your characters here, the most developed one is Liam, although we still don't receive much from him since all he does is talk about how his wife meant the world to him. The part where he begins to question whether or not his child's life outweighed his Wife made me stick out my tongue in disgust. I already dislike him, unfortunately. Hopefully that turns around and if it doesn't then this baby will have to please me.
Plot wise, I can't tell much from this but it seems like a good story. I have no read your previous draft but it seems like this one is better. XD
In the end, the whole darkness thing was slightly confusing. I didn't quite picture it well and well, I got kinda lost at the end with what you meant by the whole thing. Who was that woman or the darkness thing? O.o
But overall, I enjoyed reading this. It's very cool and it's got some awesome description and you painted your characters very well. Nice job, Fingers.
-Shear
I'm going to come back and do a proper review later. But I just wanted to say that
1) This was awesome. I look forward to more with perhaps a little bit too much enthusiasm.
annnd
2) I'm in the midst of writing something for the Postscript contest thingy. I am now terribly intimidated because I saw you are writing. I think I might die.
3) I don't think I'll actually die, don't worry. I'll survive the crushing wounds somehow.
Great job.
-Coral-
Hey, Unc. Nephew here to review as requested. I was supposed to review this yesterday, but I forgot which folder I saved it in. *sigh* Anyway, how’s it going? I feel so bad for being the last one to review this, making me the worst one. Plus, I was so excited to get a review from you, but I had other bunch of requests to go through before this, and I had the reviewer’s block again, and I wanted to take advantage of the reviewer’s block and write, write, write, and…no more excuses. LOL I’m here now. Haha! And oh so hyper. (I should have put that in a spoiler. Too late. =P )
So, I haven’t read the other reviews yet, and I’m hoping I don’t repeat anything. Here it goes…(I think this will be a long one. Yay!)
NITPICKS
Nitpicks will be pink font.
Pay attention to those marks in purple font.
>>
The ellipses just bothered me. Ellipses indicate that there were more. (Kinda like etc?) And it just feels like you didn’t tell us what else there was to say. Stick with periods.
>>
We already know who’s talking. I think it’s better that way.
>>
Call Liam Mr. Bevan and the doctor—Ray. O_o I guess you’ll have to stick with one way to address these men: Liam, or Mr. Bevan; Ray, or Dr.-–uhh—what’s the doctor’s name again? =P
>>
Replace semicolon with comma.
>>
The ellipsis again. It’s better if he was thinking that I guess (in italics), or simply get rid of the three dots. =)
>>
I think a comma would be better in the semicolon’s place.
Green highlight: His features remind me of Sunshine.
>>
The phrase was a bit awkward there. Maybe it’s better if “The cries began to escalate even thought the young nursed tried to calm the child down.”
OVERALL: Grammar was really, really good. Just a few nitpicks with the punctuations.
Okay, just now, I read the other reviews—ehem—scanned. LOL Anyyyy, I didn’t see any repetitions. =) So, I’ll go on and start babbling.
First, remember, as much as possible, please, don’t try to leave out stuffs by putting “~” then inserting a new paragraph. As much as possible, try to narrate through it and smooth out from one happening to another. The asterisks were fine because you were going from a room to another room, but the “~” (Man! I don’t know what you call that. O_o and it’s in our alphabet. =P) can totally be zapped away! Swooosh! Gone! Because it just distracts the readers; there wasn’t much to skip on and use—that. So, I suggest, take those all away and just smooth out the paragraphs.
I’ll give out an example:
It's that easy really. =P I'm just nervous that I felt like I couldn't explain it much. LOL (But you're not stupid, Unc! And I'd even argue with AngerM for you! You're not a pea-brained Welsh...)
The only thing I can think of why you were doing that is because you were changing POVs, but trust me, you don’t need that mark. Just go on with it. You’re telling in third person! (Haha! I remember you telling me you know everything…:lol:) No need, just tell us that he thinks that, she thinks that, a thing was doing that without their knowing; it’s all fine. We don’t care how the narrator knew that because YOU ARE OMNSCIENT with your story. =)
Of course, there are times you should be careful slipping out stuffs or giving out too much premonition, but if you have to show what one character is thinking and it’s important with the flow and plot, just go on with it.
Next, I find the ending a bit hard to grasp. At first, I thought the nurse was the one who was being described as being sucked from nowhere, then I said, “Hey! It was the mommy! (Wasn’t it? O_o) You were kind of losing the reader there, so watch out for vague descriptions.
It starts here:
And ends here:
Just there did I realize I was lost. I had to reread it to get to it really. (And that’s a warning because I’m not much of a distracted reader—plus, I’m now here in my room, alone and in full concentration.) I know it was hard to point out ‘cause both of them are female, but I’m sure you can tweak the nouns and pronouns a wee bit more just to make it a wee bit clearer.
Other than those, you’re fine. Hapshhh… the third person narration is really, really fine. Awesome job actually!:D This just shows your versatility as a writer. From wacky Ollie, to this weirdo with a sixth sense. Oh, now I’m wondering if he’s cute.
Ehem—*pulls up collar*
I give you a two-hand-two-feet applause for doing it so well, and we’ll see what will happen next. I hope I helped, and go go go keep writing! =))
~ Jash ♥
P.S. I think I missed out some stuffs. I rescanned the other reviews, you started out with the mother’s pain? O_o Why didn’t I read that?!
P.S. S. I voted for prologue. =P
Hello! I'm here, as requested... though it seems like you've had a lot of reviews already, so I'm not sure how much help lil ol' me will be, but it also looks like you've edited a lot since most of them, so... well, enough rambling. :) Onto the review. Since this is part of a novel, you're probably not looking for lots of nitpicks, so I won't point out comma-issues (of which there were only a few) and such, but there are a few awkwardnesses and such that I'd like to bring to your attention.
First underline: for some reason this sounds awkward to me. I would be more inclined to say, "... he tried to convince himself." But that's up to you.Second underline: this also felt awkward. Something about "told him otherwise" just sounds forced to me. Maybe rewrite it to something along the lines of: "... something unrecognisable in the pit of his stomach that knew he was wrong." or "... something unrecognisable in the pit of his stomach that couldn't help but contradict him."
I don;t understand what you're saying in the last bit. :/ I think you mean that Eirin would tell her daughter that her daughter's teacher could hear everything that she (the daughter) said? But I'm not sure how that fits in in the context of the story. I would say you should either elaborate on this or take it out completely.
There isn't really (so far as I can tell) much point of saying the first sentence, because it's just telling what you show throughout the rest of the piece. And the last sentence isn't needed either, since I already know he's waiting for news. So maybe just keep the middle one?
Sentence #1: What does that mean? >.< Sentence #2: this is awkwardly worded. Maybe try: "He nodded at Liam before sitting in the seat beside him."
These two lines (the red one and the blue one ^.^) basically just say the same thing in two different ways... I suggest either combining them somehow or just taking out one of them. I'm also not sure I'm so crazy about the word "detachedly," but that may just be me...
I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think you're using the word "electrifying" correctly. Or maybe it is correct, but it's unusual and it stood out awkwardly to me when I read it.
1. I don't think you need that transition, since you've just had the break, with the asterisks and everything. It's obvious you're changing perspective. Also, the wording was a bit awkward here. I would suggest something more like: "A red-haired woman stood by the tiny child, making sure its incubator remained stable." Though I'm not sure how an incubator works exactly, so I don't know if it can be kept stable or not...
2. Wooden shelves? Hm... that makes me think that either this is taking place a long time ago or the hospital is old-fashioned. I really don't know what I'm talking about, but it seems to me that plastic has been the material of choice for most hospitals ever since the '50s, before which it was probably metal.
Slightly awkwardly-phrased. Maybe something-like-but-not-necessarily: "Though the young nurse trying to calm him down, the child's cries began to escalate."
Maybe it's a dialectal thing (or maybe it's just another example of my exceeding ignorance) but I've never heard the word "chock" before. Did you mean "choking" (as in what happens when you get something stuck in your windpipe and it stops you from breathing) or is "chocking" indeed what you meant?
Unexplainable? You think just by saying it's unexplainable you get off the hook and don't have to explain it? Nice try, punk. :P I'd like to see some actual description of the smell. Get flowery and overly wordy if you like -- but don't just say it's unexplainable and be done with it! Pssht! Though I will admit that I loved the way you described that "ghost" scene.
---------------------------------
There I went! I said I wouldn't do too many nit-picks but then I got all carried away and couldn't stop myself. *cough* Do excuse me, good sir. Anyhow...
I liked this quite a lot. You built the suspense in the beginning really well, and you managed the jumping from perspective to perspective masterfully. I got an excellent idea of the complexities of Liam's character -- he's a little bit selfish, and spiteful, but he also knows it and hates himself for it. The moment where the mother's "ghost" appeared was beautifully haunting, and I adored the end. I found it sad not so much because Eirin died (I hardly knew her, anyway) but because I can already see that part of Liam is dead too. He will never be the same. And because of the way he was coping with his grief, I don't think he will be a very good father to the child because though he will probably cover it up even from himself, he will always have a certain amount of loathing for the baby for killing his beloved Eirin. He may not ever even understand that the boy is just as (if not more) haunted by her death than himself. Anyway, I'm rambling a bit (it's late! >.<), but I mean to tell you that this certainly sucked me in as much as the beginning of a novel should, and I found myself wondering at two things while reading it: "is this really his first time writing in third person?" and "is he really only fourteen?!" Really, it has quite a lot of potential if you ask me.
The main thing I think you should work on is the characters' reactions. You're dealing with pretty mature and complicated emotions, and you're doing really well (I've never had the courage to write about anything nearly so emotional as a man losing his wife in childbirth) but I still think there's something missing. It's kind of like what you said about my piece: there are places you describe too much and places you describe too little. Other than all the ellipses, Liam's emotions after hearing the news don't seem all that different from his emotions before hearing the news. The way you describe his suspense in the beginning felt to me like he already knew deep down that she wasn't going to make it. And he knew too. But then, after the surgeon told him, I was expecting Liam to admit that he had been feeling that way all along, but he didn't. He didn't exactly feel numb either, or particularly angry, or guilty, or desperate. One moment he's denying it, then he's frustrated about it, then angry. I know it must be really hard, especially because he is such a complicated character and even he doesn't know what he is thinking. But I think maybe if you spent a bit more time on each emotion, especially the denial, (more of the "this can't happen to us... we've escaped tough situations before and we'll do it again" kind of stuff) it might get across a certain brain-numbness. His mind needs to operate a little slower, otherwise it feels a bit to rehearsed. Also, I found Ray's reaction a bit strange. It's not that Liam's emotions aren't a bit strange (Ray probably expected him to at least ask to see the child) but I would just think that, as a doctor, he wouldn't be so surprised. Everyone reacts differently to shock and loss, and I would think he would know that.
Another thing I'll comment about is voice. Just because it's in third person doesn't mean each POV shouldn't have its own voice. Try and make the narrative feel different when it's from Liam's perspective than when it's from Ray's or the baby's, or whatever other perspectives you will introduce throughout the novel. I love it when I'm reading something and I can tell just by the tone which character's angle I'm looking from. (<--way to end a sentence with a preposition! ... oh well.)
Oh, and there's one more thing you can work on. I think it probably comes from your lack of experience writing in third person, but you tend to repeat names a lot unnecessarily. I suggest you read through it carefully and wherever you can replace "the nurse" or "Eirin" with "she" and "Ray" or "Liam" with he (etc.). I didn't point these places out in my review, because that would be tedious (for me to write and for you to read) but if you want help with that let me know and I'll show you a few places that can use improvement in that way.
Now I'll talk about about the first chapter or prologue question. Fistly, what's the difference, really? They're pretty much the same thing, just with different names -- aren't they? Well, okay, I guess there's a small difference. But I still think the decision is completely up to you. It really depends on where you plan to take this and how. since you say that the rest of the novel is going to be forward in time, I'm assuming most of it would be about the boy's life, so maybe make this be a prologue, because of the big jump in time? But then again, if you plan on doing a lot of jumping around in time throughout the novel then it would be fine to have this be the first chapter. Personally, I think it would be great as a short story. But that's because I don't know what you have in store. ^.~ I have to wonder where it will go, though, because it seems to me that you've left a perfect amount untold, leaving me with questions (can the boy see all ghosts or only his mother's? Will Liam continue to resent the baby for killing his wife?) but also wrapping things up nicely. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what comes next! Though, if you ever start feeling completely writer's-blocked, know that with a little work this could be an excellent short story.
Anyway, I should probably go now. I've never really reviewed novel beginnings before (well, maybe a few times...) but I was trying to give you some suggestions that will help you in the future. In any case, I hope some of my rambling was at least a little bit helpful! As always feel free to pm me or write on my wall with questions/comments/arguments/defenses/whatever else you can think of.
I eagerly await your next installment.
a
Hello there, Skinnykins!
Here to review. :3
Okay. I don't think I still have to do a line by line nitpick, since I've noticed lots of good critiques before me. And I'm going to apologize in advance if there's any repetitions. So here it goes.
Well, this is a prologue? I think you have written this very well. Grammar wise, your spelling's all good and so with your verb consistency. I could only see minute blunders that are very common, which is acceptable and have been corrected already.
Talking about the story plot, I hope that it wouldn't look to cliche' for the first and upcoming chapters. You know, about a husband who blames his newborn son because of his wife's death, and the son grows unloved by him. Something like that. However, I won't really comment that much since this is just the prologue. No major judgments for now. And about your characters, the emotions developing from the husband is very realistic, I was even too surprised that he didn't show a sign of relief when the doctor said the baby was fine. And I just want to tell you that I'm really impressed on how you show don't tell. Your descriptions are lovely, to the point that it wasn't really common at all, or something like that. And the flow and the pacing is just fine, no awkward sentences that I come across with.
All in all, I thank you for the good read. This was quite interesting and wish you luck on this. Hope I helped and PM me for questions. Well, I'm not even sure if I helped you at all or something, because you've managed to take into account your critique's suggestions, and it's one of the factor why your writing skills is improving. And that's definitely a good thing!
Keep writing and peace out,
Yuri
Well other than the fact that you kept switching Aeron to Eirin through out the story it was fantastic!
Can't wait to read more! and yes i think this should definitely be a prologue (:
Tiger here to review per request and friendly neigbour-liness. Or you could just call that interest. Anyway, comments, as always, shall be in bold.
All in all, this is great! No need to worry about the third-person thing; it's just fine! Only thing is a few times you accidentally muddled up the tenses slightly, but been there done that; it's a common mistake. And in the part where it was Ray's POV you need to indicate the change, but apart from those things it's absolutely fine!
And I think the story is set in Ireland? What with all the Irish names...Cassie, Aeron, Aiden, Wynne (I think that's Irish, right? Either Gaelic or Norse, that I know) and all. And this is totally unrelated, but it's an odd coincidence that in primary school I had two friends called Liam and Aaron. Weird.
Anyhoo, great job! Definitely waiting for more! Well done, and KEEP WRITING!
TIGERSPRITE
Hey Skins!
First of all, from skimming the reviews I can see you've already changed this quite a bit and from what I can see it's a lt better--but I still have one or two suggestions.
Skip these paragraphs:
Or work the individual details throughout the part where the news is broken to show how important she is to him. It does provide good info and doesn't drag on forever, but it still feels too awkward and info-droppy.
You did do a bit of head-hopping later on (it was well done, but still jarring) which I didn't mind particularly but did find distracting. Here you've avoided it, but I'm not sure I like it: is Liam particularly observant? Especially at a time when he's so anxious. Plus, unless the doctor is a main character later, we don't benefit much from getting into his head--it would be enough to just metion a nervous habit when describing him (MO).
Ok. This is cliched, which I don't particularly like--I can already imagine the kid growing up always knowing that his father would prefer him to be dead--it's been done before. On the other hand, the way you executed it was very believable. I'd still tone it down a bit, though, maybe have him try to reason with himself? You know him better than I do.
Is this another head-hop? If not, then how can you tell he's trying to move them? Do they just twitch feebly?
Don't overdue the similies.
"Choking;" no c. The "You see" should not be there. "The Screeching" could be a stronger description. Also the "that was terribly, terribly wrong" makes it sound like someone is making a judgement, which is annoying. Maybe "it was" or something else? Nitpicky, I know. Technincalities aside, I like this as a last paragraph. It makes me want to read more.
Overall: I like this. Good beginning, and it makes me want to read more. But (there is always a but...) I do think it could be shortened quite a bit--prologues are generally better when short, IMO. That way you are intrigued without getting to deeply intrenched before being jolted into the first chapter. The second half is definitely better--it's way more interesting than the cliche "just been told loved one died by doctors" scene. Sometimes less is more with descriptions as well--I noticed a couple wordy bits though for the most bit I think you had just the right amount.
I realise this is a first draft so you might not want to work on the finer details until later--these are just a few things to maybe keep in mind or look at later. Good luck! I've got Writer's Block (just laziness, actually) right now and can get nowhere with any of my projects. Anyway, can't wait to read the next bit!
Lupis
Hey, Skins!
I read this because it is featured lol and now, I'm finally making a review. xD
Nitpicks:
- I think it is proper to hyphenate 'red' and 'haired'.
- This sounded awkwardly in my mind. Perhaps, it would sound better this way: 'As the woman's figure became brighter, the infant's sobbing calmed down, though it wasn't for long.' Something like that.
- 'Something' seemed to be awkwardly repeated. Perhaps, this would sound better this way: 'An unexplainable and unnatural smell filled the room in a sudden.
I actually like this.
I want to keep reading.
- Whisperer -
Skins, I am here and I am ready to do some reviewin'. Mostly everyone has reported on every 'lil nitpick so I don't think I have to go over it and give you the same low down. So, I'm scrathing my reviewing template and going solo. Third person, aye? Big step up! I'm very impressed. Third person is easy to write in but to a good job is another matter. I do not read most books with third person as it doesn't give me enough insight. There are few books that I've read (written in third person) that I've enjoyed.
J.K. Rowling did it well, Bikazar - author or Munera - also does it very well and you Skins also do it well. That's great, it mean you're in! Whooo!!! But anyway, you're still a novice at it and I'm just going to point out some things to improve young muggle! (loool!)
Third person is like you're watching what is happening and in some parts I'm getting this strong vibe as you throw in great discription and it makes me think I'm standing right next to you as you write (stalker!). Here for example is perfect, absolutely perfect.
I was in love, but then there are other parts that just lack this kind of quality:
This paragraph just sounds a little strange on its own. I feel there is to much repition on this smelling business. Just get what you're trying to say out in one go and your writing will definitely strengthen with that. I'm not going to leave you just hanging and wondering what I am talking about so here is my suggestion. Yep, I'm ripping apart this sentence.
And yet, this still doesn't sound right...maybe this:
That sounds better actually. You can choose either of the two suggestions or not even follow through with it. It's all up to you. I didn't find anything else that really pestered me. I agree with the people above with your explaining problem. Trust me, I know how you feel. I do the exact same thing! This is a very good start and I suggest you make this into your prologue.
Keep writing,
Apple.
Okay firstly, your writing is really good, I didn't really have any problems with the way you write. But as a mother myself I would just like to correct a few things about the labour.
First, when a womans water breaks it gushes out, it doesn't just dribble down her leg, it litterly pops.
secondly if a baby is born so early, there would be a team of nurses taking care of him, and he would be put in ICU right away, the nurse wouldn't have time to wrap him up, he wouldn't beable to breath, his lungs aren't developed.
But other then that I thought it was great!
Hiya Skins! Here to review :3
Aaron is a strange name for a woman?
I know you're foreshadowing here, but I don't know if I like it, as immediately you're revealing to the reader that you know exactly what's going on, and you've given away the fact that Aeron dies. Perhaps, "Aeron Wynne knew something was wrong" or, "Aeron Wynne felt a heavy feeling of dread that she just couldn't shake off." If your story was about a murderer, and you started off, "The news made headlines: Jack the Ripper would rather die than go into custody." and your story is about the murderer dying... well, we know that Jack dies - the story better be bloody good, because we know the ending now.
Do you need the describing word "terribly"? And "ever-so-hard" isn't really a modern phrase.
"She flung her hand towards the door handle again, only to notice that the liquid running down her legs was red." Aeron knows what red means. "Something red" doesn't seem like a coherent thought.
This doesn't really seem necessary towards the story - would a woman who's having a premature birth really be focusing on open windows?
Woah, this was an odd transaction. Generally if this is all one scene and there is no paragraph break, this whole prologue should be from the point of view of Aeron. The sudden change to Liam's POV is jarring.
I don't think this a very logical progression of thought. The first thing I, personally, would have done, would have been to call an ambulance. Immediately. While the below dialogue between the children and the father is cute, it just seems strange that the father is more concerned with his living children, than his wife who could possibly die/lose the child.
... This makes no sense. At all.
1) Parents always have a plan for pregnancy: "Yeah, Cousin Charlie said she'd babysit the kids while we're in hospital", "Mum said she'd be happy to take care of the kids" etc etc. So it's really strange that Liam would go to the next door neighbour who had to be talked to about what was going to to accept the task, when in reality, a neighbour would know that the woman next door was pregnant, again.
2) The waiting room at the hospital. The children could have come with them to the hospital, where Liam could then have arranged for someone to pick them up.
3) The last sentence has swapped to Aiden's point of view. Be careful of this.
"The one thing she feared was fatal" - what did you mean here?
I hope you have a good reason for why Aeron dies
Numbers should be hyphenated.
The Pill costs at most $50 for four months worth of contraceptive. Raising a child to age 18 costs $250 000.
Another sudden change in perspective.
"Ray Porter's voice mocked Liam with its calmness."
I like this. It's a real human response, and I feel very sorry for the newborn baby.
Okay, right here, I'm extremely excited about what's going to happen next. This is where you should start the story, and then rearrange some things. I'll show you what I mean later.
Wonderful. I think I'm going to enjoy this story
So, this is what I meant (spoilered for length):
Spoiler
Everything’s fine, he tried mentally convincing himself. Things like this happen all of the time, just relax...It’s going to be fine. No matter how much Liam ran that through his head, there was something unrecognisable in the pit of his stomach that told him otherwise.
Liam and Aeron had been together for almost twelve years now, yet they were both only twenty six. Having two children by the time they were twenty three gained them a lot of judgmental attention, but they didn’t take any notice, let alone care. They were happy, and that was the only important thing in their mind.
Sure, Liam had to work long hours to support his family. He often wished that he could spend all of his time with his family, but he knew that his income was vital. When Aeron became pregnant with their third child, working the hardest he could became vital.
Taking care of their two children was hard work, and juggling careers, friends, family, and plain old fun along with that was even harder. That didn’t matter though because neither of them would have had it any other way.
Liam shut his eyes. Nothing could last forever, and that fact had slapped him in the face now. He sat back down on the chair. He hadn’t even heard the news yet.
The operating room doors hesitantly opened, revealing a rather small man wearing a green surgeon’s outfit. Liam froze. He searched the man’s face, begging that it would reveal something about what the man would soon say. Nothing.
There was a thin smile spread across the surgeon’s pale lips. Still nothing. Liam’s eyes weren’t taken off the man’s face for a single moment. He nodded at him before sitting in the seat beside Liam. There was something wrong. There had to be.
“Hello, Mr. Wynne.” The man held his hand out for Liam to shake. “I’m Dr. Ray Porter.”
Liam didn’t care what his name was, and right now, he didn’t feel like shaking anyone’s hand. Where was Aeron?
He uncomfortably shook Ray Porter’s hand, wishing he’d just tell him what on earth was going on. More importantly, where his wife was.
“As you’re aware, several problems have occurred with your wife’s pregnancy, resulting in an emergency caesarean section.” Don’t tell me what I already know. Bloody get to it already. “During surgery, we realised that things weren’t quite going to be as easy as we originally thought. Your wife was losing, and had, lost an awful amount of blood. We had to be awfully caref-”
“Where is she?” Liam cut off the surgeon.
If there was one thing Liam couldn’t stand, it was tip toeing around a subject. Tip toeing around something like this tightened his chest, made a lump form in his throat. People didn’t avoid a subject for no reason.
Ray Porter quickly shut his mouth, lifting his hand to the bottom of his chin. Why did he always do this? This man didn’t deserve to be told a book load of facts, half of which he already knew. Ray despised doing this. He looked back at Mr. Wynne and inhaled heavily.
“I’m sorry, Sir, we did everything we could. It was too late for us to save your wife.”
All that Liam could do was stare. No... Things like this didn’t happen, not in real life. Only on the television, in the media. Aeron was fine yesterday, more beautiful than ever. She couldn’t just be... be gone. Not like that. She was smiling, laughing... No...
The calmness in Ray Porters voice made Liam feel mocked. Nothing about this moment felt calming. Liam's chest tightened, his breath being cut short. He had to be dreaming - he begged to God that he was dreaming. The kids? Cassie and Aiden... They couldn't have their mother ripped out of their lives in one night; they didn't deserve that.
Ray watched as Mr. Wynne’s face whitened, his lip shaking. Small pools of water tried their best to escape from his eyes, his thoughts electrifying through his mind.
“I’m ever so sorry, Sir.” Liam turned away from the wall his eyes were fixated to, and looked at the surgeon. “Your child though..." Ray grew a small, but genuine smile on his face. "He’s weak and will need a lot of help, but he’s going to be fine.”
It felt good for those words to flow out of Ray's mouth. After sentences of dreadful news had left it, the cleansing of words like that made Ray Porter's negative emotions settle slightly.
He glanced at the man opposite him, eagerly waiting for a response. Waiting for a warm smile, or a sigh of relief from Mr. Wynne. It was strange though. Liam Wynne's reaction was far from expected. The tears in his eyes did not dither at all and he only eame whiter. Ray furrowed his eyebrows, baffled.
That news should have created a warm feeling, filled part of the hole that was forming in his heart, but that was impossible for Liam. He’d lost the one thing he’d always loved, the one person he couldn’t even bare to think about life without. All because of the fact that she became pregnant with that child. If the pregnancy hadn’t happened, Liam wouldn’t have been grieving. Aeron wouldn’t have been dead.
They’d saved the baby... Why hadn’t they saved her? Was the baby more important than her? Is that what they thought? No, this couldn’t have been happening...
“Why... Why couldn’t you save her?” Liam croaked. “Why could you save it, but not her?”
Ray Porter’s eyes widened, unsure of what he’d just heard. The man was lucky his son was alive, let alone healthy. He shuffled in his seat.
“Well, it was either two deaths or one, Sir. We didn’t have much of a choice.”
Liam clenched his fists. Had they even tried to save Aeron? What was so complicated? Someone couldn’t just die like that... Not Liam’s perfect wife. She was strong; how could some short operation, lasting minutes break her so easily?
Jolting up from the seat, Liam’s fists remained clenched. It wasn’t fair... Why had everything gone wrong? They didn’t even want this stupid kid. It was a mistake. Cassie and Aiden were planned; there were no problems with them. They hadn’t harmed Aeron, so why did this one have to?
Liam resisted every urge to punch at the wall, and instead, he strained his fists until his knuckles were bright white. Aeron didn’t deserve this. She’d done so much good in her life. What had that baby ever done?
* * *
In another room, there was a red haired woman, gently wrapping up a small baby boy in a soft, blue blanket. Other nurses fussed around with medical equipment in the wooden shelves, along with documents and papers.
The baby had a surprisingly thick mop of white hair on its fragile head, his eyes a deep blue colour; exactly like his mother. There was a specially made tag was wrapped around the baby’s tiny wrist with writing scribbled over it.
Name: N/A
DOB: 13/11/95
Gender: Male
Mother: Aeron Wynne
The nurse smiled gently, hushing the baby as a couple of weak cries escaped his mouth. He tried kicking his legs and waving his arms, but the blanket kept them still.
The cries began to escalate, the young nurse trying to calm the child down. She couldn’t soothe the baby though because no matter what she did, it was impossible for her to realise the cause of the tears and screaming.
In the corner of the room was a bright light; so white, it almost appeared to be clear. The light soon expanded to reveal a figure of a woman. Her fragile features matched the ones of the infant being hushed by the nurse.
The room lit up with the white light, instantly warming the air. The woman allowed her lips to curve upwards as she laid her eyes upon the baby, whose crying had lessened slightly. As the woman's figure became brighter, the infant's sobbing calmed down. It wasn't for long though.
The light around the woman turned a sudden grey colour, darkening all too quickly. Within seconds, it was a midnight black. The air in the room became tight, almost as though it was chocking something. Darkness sneaked into the atmosphere, becoming far too vivid.The woman in the now black light’s face fell, her arms rapidly reaching out for something she wasn’t quite able to grab.
A sudden smell of something unexplainable, something unnatural filled the room. If anyone would have smelt it, they would have felt sick as it crawled in through their nose, sticking to their throat. A swirl of black smoke that created a sound like a sudden rush of wind wrapped itself around the woman’s body, pulling her into the light still forming behind her. As quickly as she appeared, she was gone. Nothing remained but the echo of a terrified scream.
As the woman disappeared, the young nurse continued soothing the baby, not turning around once to look at the darkness behind her. Not feeling the chocking feeling, the tightness around her body. You see, what had just happened was invisible to the naked eye. It was impossible to feel, hear, or smell. Or at least it should have been. There was one, small exception.
His lungs aching from the screeching, the newborn baby could see the darkness clearer than anything else in his new world right now. And that was terribly, terribly wrong.
All I've done is deleted the irrelevant parts - you could always incorporate what happened in Liam's thoughts. "All Liam could think of was how he was shaken awake by a panicked and white-faced wife, the lower half of her nightgown soaked with blood. The image was burned into his retinas, and the mad rush to the hospital a horrible blur."
So, overall:
Characters
I like Liam because he's human. There really wasn't any other developed character, which is fine.
Plot
Am loving where this is heading. It's a bit cliché (Sixth Sense much?), but you've written it so well, and if you write it correctly, it can deviate completely from canon "I can see dead people" literature.
Style
You have to be careful with your sudden changes of perspective. Each segment of paragraphs should only have one person behind all thoughts, until you make the transition clear by creating a new segment, ie chapter, part etc.
Keep on writing this! I like it more than A Shot of Arrogance.
- Jai
hey this is actually kind of cool you know, except for the last bit I guess, that was confusing. I think you should have given a little more attention for Liam's feelings towards the new kid and I think he should have been just a little more kinder........there were few minor grammartical errors like "That was when she felt a warm liquid flooded down her legs"
Why not try "That was when she felt warm liquid flooding down her legs"?
Over all this was extremely creative and enjoyable! Thanks for the awesome entertainment!
Hey Pea-brained Welsh person, here as requested,
I am so proud my child.And I loved it. For your first time seriously writing in third person, this was great. You have this knack for bringing your characters to life, and making the reader feel pity for them. This was 10,000 times better than the original, it's obvious how you have grown as a writer, your style is very dramatic, and much more descriptive. The scene you had set was so vivid, and I think this should be a prologue with the story starting with the boy's life (in my opinion.)
On to the proper review.
Opening.
Your opening was very dramatic, and it summed up what was going to happen in a sentence BUT I don't think it was really needed. Without that opening your story would have been just as good, so it was kind of just hanging there as an accessory, even though I like the big (DUN DUN DUN) feeling I get when I read lines like those. Also, I like how much your description has grown.
Your characters were very well tailored, and I could anticipate every move they were going to make, and I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. They have such emotional quality in them though, so I guess that makes up for them being so tailor-made, if you understand what I mean. (If you don't, you need to grow a new brain...I keed, I keed!
I like the style of writing, and I think third person works very well with the way you write. Although there were some bits in the story where your characters minds changed so fast, it was hard to know who was who? And who was thinking?
You are not yet fully accomplished with 3rd Person, but I think with practice you could be very good. Keep writing, and PM me linkage of the 1st chapter.
Hope this helped you,
Anger.
P.S I found a typo -needed a microscope though- AND I lost it.
Hey Skinsy! I'm here to review!
Wow, so I really really enjoyed this! Definitely hooked me and made me want to read more; I love the cover art, by the way, and I like the idea of where this story is going.
Before I forget -- about the prologue/first chapter issue, I think you could get away with either one. It's long enough to qualify as a chapter, and not quite a prologue, but if the rest of the story is about the baby as he's growing up (just my guess), then this could also be a prologue. So, I guess it's really just up to you. I've heard that editors don't care for prologues; just something to keep in mind if you're hoping to publish this.
Okay, now onto the story!
Love this first line. Caught my interest at once.
"Hoping for" sounds awkward; maybe you could reword it to something like, "hoping that the tight cramping feeling would drift away."
Ah yes. Young boys. Good depiction here.
Okay, I really like the concept you have here of changing from Liam thinking it's going to be all right to Aeron dying, but the way it switches is just too abrupt. We're jerked to the room where Aeron dies, then jerked right back again to Liam. I think if you put a separation between each of the three paragraphs (it wouldn't even have to be symbols, just an extra blank paragraph space, as I put in blue), it would work. Plus, it'll give the single paragraph about Aeron a bit more of a dramatic flair.
There is a lot of POV-switching in this short space that makes it confusing. Red is Ray's POV and blue is Liam's...see how it's, again, a bit too abrupt of a change? As the reader, I'm head-hopping too quickly.
Um...I wouldn't expect someone to smile while they're apologizing. While he's telling Liam that the baby was saved, though, I can believe it. Maybe you could just place the timing of his smile a little closer to when he gives the info about the baby.
Oh no...poor little baby. D:
Whose.
Okay, so that's all I have to say! Really good start; please let me know when you post more!
Skinsy! Tis me, your mortal enemy/sister in law
I remember the original first chapter of Can you see me, and this is a definite improvement. Wow.
I had wanted you to continue posting because I'd genuinely liked where you were going with your story but I'm enjoying this one much more.
I loved the pain you started with; the mother's obvious care for her child. I loved the father's obvious love for the wife.
The ending was great; it gave us an idea of how special this boy is. I really can't wait to read more of this!
Tanya
Ok, I like this. The bit at the end was a bit hard to understand, but on the whole, the chapter was good. I saw the title and it just grabbed me, and I can't wait to find out what happens. I think you do need to slow down a bit, but I do appriciate that it's hard to do sometimes - the words just keep flooding out and it's hard to ease the pace of them.
Wickedwonder has already noted the description, so I won't go over that. It's generally great, don't worry. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
-NeutronStar-
Alright, so that was a interesting beginning.
I noticed something. In somplaces you describe too much
Like here. YOu literally threw the description at the reader, moving too fast. Slow down. I want to feel her pain, as bad as it is. Just Don't hold back.
But there, here
You don't describe as much. Honestly, I rather your over-description, it give me more for a mental image. Here, though, again, put it all the basics, emotion, description without being telly.
I hope that helped
~WickedWonder