Important spoiler here... Don't click on it and you will be haunted by micro pigs.
Can You See Me? ~ Chapter One
Maxxie warily stepped one foot out of the window, glancing back into his bedroom for a moment. One small slip up, one noise, and he'd be screwed. Turning back around, the cold air hit his face. He looked down at his front garden. His heart slid up his throat a little. Stop being such a woman, he thought to himself. Do you want a good time or not?
He pulled his other leg out onto the outside windowsill when he felt a sudden scraping feeling jolt through his ankle. His foot slipped, almost causing him to lose his balance. Bloody windowsill.A loud yelp escaped from his lips, followed by a curse. Did he want to wake the entire house up? He glanced down at his ankle to see a long scram mark; the wound was slowly dripping with blood. Great.
Maxxie waited by the window for a moment, his heart racing. What would he have said if anyone came in? I just wanted to check the windowsill for mould and dead bugs? He certainly didn’t think that his dad would have appreciated that answer.
He shook his head. Why was he even thinking about that? He could have been on the ground by now. Trying to forget about the drop below him, he grasped onto the drainpipe that led down the front of his house. He should have been used to this by now; he did it practically every weekend. He sighed heavily. He never had liked heights. Loosening his grip slightly, Maxxie carefully slid down the side of his house as silently as he possibly could.
The moment his feet touched the moist ground, he exhaled heavily. He was seriously going to have to find a better way of getting out of the house. If his sister didn’t stay up so late, he’d have just been able to leave his room through the door, sneak downstairs, maybe grab a sandwich or something of that nature, and there we go, Bob’s your uncle. He’d have been out of the house in no time.
Realising that he was only wasting more time, he zipped up his jacket and strolled up the driveway. The sad thing about this is that it isn't even twelve o’ clock yet. Hardly late. Fair enough, it might be kind of late to be going outside, but it is way better than being cramped in my room all night. He let out a long breath, shutting his eyes for a second or two.
Turning the street corner, Maxxie shoved his hands into his jean pockets. He was almost sixteen; why did his dad have to treat him like such a child? He supposed he should have been used to it by now.
Not allowing his mind to delve deeper into the subject, he cursed under his breath. Why was he thinking about that now? The only reason he snuck out of his house at night was to get away from all of that crap. He paused. It was his birthday soon... Great. He shoved the thoughts out of his head and continued walking.
The tall street lights brightened as he reached the centre of the small town. Soon enough, he spotted the newsagents. Almost there. He then noticed Sion, the one friend he’d known since childhood, sitting on the steps by the car park. There were a couple of other people there too; some he knew, some he didn’t. Sion soon spotted him, then lifted his arm up into the air in recognition, a can of cider in his hand
“Oi! Max!” Sion called, sipping the cider before placing it onto the concrete ground.
He jogged across the road to meet Maxxie, who was now wandering in his direction.
Sion messed up Maxxie's already scruffy hair as he greeted him, laughing. Maxxie smoothed his hair back down as a smile crept onto his face. Sion was always able to cheer him up with one simple action or comment.
“Your old man didn’t catch you then?” Sion lead Maxxie, who shook his head, back towards the car park. “The guy’s a prick. It’s like you can’t have a blooming life.”
Maxxie shrugged. “He’s not that bad.”
“Maxxie, he practically has you on a leash.” Sion tapped his knees, telling Maxxie to roll over. He soon burst out laughing.
Maxxie slapped Sion's head, resulting in the two boys laughing. They sat down on the car park steps, Sion grabbing his unfinished can of cider from the ground. He offered Maxxie a can, but he simply shook his head. He never really drank much. Besides, it was a hell of a lot more fun to see the other guys drunk, and then being able to make fun of them the next day.
A few of the guys said hello to him; the ones he knew cracking the odd joke, which he just went along with. It didn’t take long for Maxxie to relax, talking to the people around him with ease. Besides his brother, they were the only people he could really speak to comfortably. It was like they were part of another world; no dad, no school, no one ordering him around, no worries. Nothing. It was wonderful.
His mind traced back to the countless amount of lectures he'd had in school. They were constantly warning him that he should never give in to peer pressure, never do something he didn't want to, blah, blah, blah. He wasn't doing any of that though; he wanted to hang out with these people. The things they did constantly gave him an adrenaline rush. He supposed that because of that, he wasn't really doing much wrong. Everyone told him not to give into peer pressure, not that he shouldn't mess about because he wanted to. It made perfect sense.
As the boys spoke, steam rapidly burst out of their mouths. There were some trees dotted around the car park, all of which were thin and bare, their branches stretching out like a witch's fingers. Maxxie shivered.
"Hey, Max, you all right?" Sion's voice caught him by surprise.
Maxxie turned to his friend who was drinking the remains of his can. He watched as Sion shook the drink, checking that there wasn't anything left.
"You seem a bit off," he continued. He glanced around the group before turning back to his friend. Maxxie shrugged. "Come take this to the bin with me for a sec." Sion held the empty can up.
Not giving it much thought, he followed Sion as he began to wander over towards the end of the car park.
Maxxie highly doubted that his friend needed any help to put a can of cider in the bin, but he followed him anyway. He probably wanted to talk to him about something that he wouldn't have liked to have been asked out loud. Probably to ask him if he was okay again. That was his guess, anyway.
While the boys headed over to the bin, they heard one of the other guys, David, call behind them. They spun around to see him grinning.
"Don't make out for too long!"
"We won't!" Maxxie called back as he winked. "I need to make sure I've got enough energy left for you!"
Both he and Sion laughed as they reached the bin. Sion dropped the can in before leaning against the bench beside it. Maxxie eventually did the same.
"So, yeah, what's up, Max?"
He shrugged. "Birthday soon... You know."
He didn't need to say any more than that; Sion knew exactly what he meant. A gentle smile spread across his face as he tapped Maxxie's back.
"Don't worry about it," he said. "Besides, I'm getting you something epic. I should get you a puppy or something... One of those shaved ones."
The both of them started laughing, lifting Maxxie's spirit a little. If there was one thing he hated about the end of the year, it was easily his birthday. He'd spent the last couple over either Sion or Aiden's house just so that he could avoid being at home.
Maxxie stood straight as he tapped his friend's shoulder, signalling to follow him back towards the others. The strong stench of the bin was getting a bit too much. Sion jogged up to him as he strolled back towards the group at the other end of the car park.
Once they reached the others, David unsurprisingly made a few comments about them spending every other night at each other's houses, sleeping with scented candles and a jasmine incense. He was chuckling when there was a sudden gust of wind, blowing the empty food packets around the road and pavements.
“Hey, Sion,” David called. “Go and grab another pack of cider? We’re completely out.”
“I’ve already been in there without ‘buying’ anything,” Sion replied. “They’re going to notice if I go in again.” He turned to Maxxie. “You go and grab some, Maxxie.” He handed him his old sports bag. "Well, if you want."
The rest of the guys turned to him, expecting an answer. He felt his face light up as he smiled. Why not? Another adrenaline rush.
“Yeah, sure,” he answered, taking the bag.
He put it over his shoulder before putting his hands into his pockets. He glanced back and forth at the road, checking that there weren’t any cars, not that there really would be at this time of night. It wasn’t long until he was on the other side of the road. He could hear his friends behind him, continuing with their chattering, not taking much notice of Maxxie as he entered the shop.
He looked at the posters on the walls for a moment. The biggest one read Now open 24/7! The rest of them seemed to be advertising some local dance club or something. Maxxie turned his attention away from the walls and glanced around the shop. Where was the alcohol...?
The middle-aged man behind the counter watched Maxxie as he made his way to the back of the shop. He could feel the man’s eyes on him, observing his every move. By the time he was out of sight, Maxxie had reached the refrigerated beverages at the end of the small shop.
He’d only ever done this once before, but he had a fair idea of what the best thing to do was. Besides, the riskier it was, the better. Darren Christopher, the shop owner, was good friends with Maxxie’s dad. If he found out about this whole situation, all hell would break lose. Maxxie shrugged. Darren wasn’t here now, so technically, he wasn’t taking anything from the shop owner.
Remembering that there were five guys outside waiting for him, he reached out for the six pack of cans. He could almost feel the excitement pumping through his veins. Perfect.
“Don’t you dare take my daddy’s stuff!”
A high-pitched voice almost made Maxxie whack his arm against the giant fridge as he pulled away from the cans. Spinning around, he was welcomed by the face of a young, pale girl. Her eyes were narrowed and her black plaits reached the top of her hips.
He realised that he’d just had the living daylights scared out of him by a little girl. A bit embarrassing. As he bent to the side so that he could see the shopkeeper, he sighed in relief. The shopkeeper wasn’t even looking in their direction. That relief soon vanished, realisation kicking in. Maxxie groaned, turning back to the girl. Oh, God... Not another one...
At that moment, Maxxie knew that he had to do this quickly. Her bright eyes still blazing, the girl that barely reached the middle of his torso, continued with her rant.
“Why are you people always naughty! Your friend was bad enou-”
She suddenly stopped talking. She must have been staring at Maxxie for a good part of a minute before saying anything else.
“Wait... You can see me?” Her voice was shaky.
No shit, Sherlock. Maxxie couldn’t help but chuckle at the young girl’s reaction. The reactions were always something similar to that.
Maybe he could fool her... It could have been fun. Ignoring the girl this time, Maxxie reached his arm out again and grabbed the cans. The little girl shouted in his face, half telling him to answer her question, and half telling him to put the alcohol down.
Trying not to show the frustration of having a kid shouting in his face, he quickly shoved the six-pack of cans into the bag. He was about to turn back around when the girl subtly pushed Sion’s phone out of the bag that contained the alcohol.
Cursing under his breath, Maxxie put the bag onto the refrigerator before he reached down. He could hear the girl giggling beside him as he picked up the phone. Still bent down, he subtly popped his head around one of the aisle’s again, relieved to see that the shopkeeper hadn’t noticed anything.
He put Sion’s phone into his jean’s pocket, grabbing the bag once more. Like it was placed when he’d walked inside, Maxxie lifted the bag over his shoulder. As he passed the sweet aisle, he picked up a Mars bar and a packet of Skittles. He then made his way over to the counter. Now for the best part. It was time for him to see if he had the man fooled.
He could feel the dark-haired girl beside him, but he didn’t dare turn to look at her. The man behind the counter scanned his items. Ninety five pence and not an ounce of suspicion. He fiddled in his pocket until he found a pound coin, and handed it to the man who gave him a five pence piece in return. Maxxie happily thanked the man before turning to leave.
In a split second, the dark haired girl appeared beside the shopkeeper. Her arms were crossed now, her eyes still filled with anger. She frowned. A quick shudder ran down Maxxie's spine.
"Put them back," she said simply.
Maxxie avoided her glare, concentrating as best as he could on the man behind the counter. He could feel the girl's voice; hear it like a harsh whisper in his ear. The girl's eyes dug into him. He almost reached into the sports bag, and almost pulled the cans out. Almost.
The shopkeeper muttered something inaudible, not that he was listening anyway. He was more concentrated on avoiding the young girl's deep eyes. He shut his eyes for a few seconds. All that he needed to do now was to reach the shop door.
Maxxie's heart rate had evened out by now, and by the time he’d reached the shop’s door, it was almost beating at its everyday pace. Almost there. Suddenly, there was a loud clinking sound. He froze. Lying on the floor were six cans of cider, the side pocket of the bag hanging open.
Maxxie stayed in the spot, remaining frozen for a moment. The next thing he heard was the shopkeeper’s voice, shouting, his senses returning.
“Oi! Stay there!” the man called.
Even if he had wanted to, Maxxie couldn’t have moved an inch. He’d closed that bag... He’d zipped it up as tightly as possible. He knew he had. How come the cans fell out? Just his luck.
The rugged man aggressively grabbed the bag that was still hanging over his shoulder, opening the main pocket this time. Maxxie’s eyes widened as the light revealed a pile of items he hadn’t even thought about putting in the bag: more alcohol, a lighter, sweets, chocolate, even some kind of pastry snack. Those things were not in there before...
The next thing he heard was a soft giggle. Shifting his eyes, Maxxie saw the little dark haired girl, a smirk on her young face. She hadn’t...
When the phone fell out; when he bent down to pick it up, leaving the bag unattended. He groaned. He had zipped the bag up properly, someone else had just unzipped it again. Someone an everyday person couldn’t see. In the meantime, throwing in a bunch of other stuff.
The shopkeeper shuffled through the bag, revealing its contents clearly. Maxxie couldn't believe it. He'd probably been so focused on grabbing the stuff and going, he hadn't even noticed that the bag felt too heavy to just be carrying six cans of cider. The shopkeeper ordered him to lift the bag off of his shoulder, and he did as he was told. Crap. His dad was going to kill him. The adrenaline wasn't worth that...
“You kids are disgusting!” the shopkeeper spat in his face. “No respect for anyone anymore!”
Maxxie could feel his cheeks reddening as he swallowed. He'd really let the excitement situation take over him. Why had he been so stupid? He'd done this before easily. Mind you, there wasn't some meddling little girl there then.
He tried to think of something to say... anything that would have been able to justify all of this. He hadn’t even taken half of that stuff.The man pulled out a mobile phone from his pocket, his eyes locked onto the teenager in front of him.
“No, please!” Maxxie tried. “I can explain...”
Ignoring his plea entirely, the shopkeeper held his phone to his ear after pressing the call button. The phone eventually stopped ringing.
“Yes,” the man said, “police please.”
He watched helplessly as the shopkeeper described the whole situation to the man on the other side of the phone. Maybe he could have ran? Maxxie scratched his head.... No, that would have been too risky. It would have been cool to do though...
Placing the phone back into his pocket, the man glared at Maxxie, interrupting his thoughts. The shopkeeper's lips were curled, his unshaven face appearing a lot more rugged than it normally would have. His clothes were lose, making him look even bigger. The apron that covered his round belly was dotted with bland coloured stains. He aggressively took the bag from Maxxie's clammy hands.
“Are you even eighteen?” The shopkeeper dropped the bag onto the floor with a loud thud.
His mouth dry, all that Maxxie could do was shake his head. The sound of the girl giggling echoed in his ears as she laughed over by the counter. She waved at him, loosely kicking her legs over the counter.
*****
Liam stopped the car, causing an ear shattering crunching sound. He desperately needed a new car. He pushed the door open, sighing heavily. Duw, it was almost one o' clock. The winter air wrapped around his body as he rubbed his arms in an attempt to warm himself up.
Once he'd reached the concrete steps, he hurriedly jogged up them. This was ridiculous. The last thing he wanted to do right now was to be at a police station in the early hours of the morning. He inhaled heavily as he slowly pushed the building's door open. Here we go.
Liam was welcomed by a powerful waft of alcohol. Scrunching his nose in disgust, his eyes turned to a large man sitting down on one of the plastic chairs. His hair was long and knotted, and his eyes were distant. They stared at the plain wall in front of him as though it was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen. Liam's eyes soon shifted to the light haired boy beside the jagged man. He clenched his jaw.
His teeth gritted, Liam turned to the desk in front of him. There were two police officers stood behind it. Strangely, he didn't recognise the two men. The town was tiny; it was unusual to meet someone you didn't know. It showed how rarely Liam went out nowadays.
Judging by the two mugs full of strong coffee and the purple colour under both of the police officer's eyes, Liam doubted that they were used to the late night shift. He leaned on the desk.
"Liam Bevan," he muttered. "His father."
Liam nodded at the teenager beside the drunken man. The smaller officer glanced down at a book on top of the desk. He scanned it quickly before looking back up at Liam.
"Maxxie Bevan?"
Liam nodded once more.
The man began to explain what had happened. As the story went on, Liam could feel himself getting smaller and smaller. Despite everything that had happened fifteen years ago, he had tried to be fair with Maxxie. Why did the damn boy have to throw it back in his face? What was Liam doing wrong? What was he supposed to do? He scratched his head. Eirin would've known what to do.
After explaining why Maxxie was here, the officer made his way around the desk. Liam followed behind as they strolled over to his son. Like the drunken man beside him, Maxxie was staring at the wall. Along with his son, Liam turned his eyes to the wall as he sat down in the seat next him.
“Can I ask you a couple of questions now that your father’s here?” It was more of a statement than a question.
Liam's eyes were on the police officer's face now. The man was watching Maxxie as he pulled out a pen from his pocket, holding it above the clipboard in his hand.
“Name?” the police officer asked.
“Maxxie Dai Bevan,” Maxxie mumbled.
“Date of birth?”
“Um, the thirteenth of the eleventh, nineteen ninety five.”
The questions continued, and Liam hoped that they were forcing Maxxie to realise how irresponsible he had actually been. His sister would never have even dreamt of doing something like this. Why couldn't Maxxie be like her?
Once the questions had finished, the police man thanked Maxxie before popping his pen back into his pocket. The clipboard in hand, he headed over towards the desk, still keeping a close eye on Maxxie.
“What is wrong with you?” Liam's eyes were still locked on the police officer.
Maxxie turned his head to see Liam shaking his as he stared at the officer. He despised looking at his son's eyes; they were exact copies of Eirin's. He could stay angry with her.
“Everyone’s overreacting anyway,” Maxxie flatly responded.
“I don’t even know what to say to you.” For the first time since he'd been here, Liam locked eyes with him, making his heart wrench for a moment. He turned away again.
He didn't hate his youngest son. He just... He found it so hard to even look at him. It was impossible for him to have the same love for Maxxie as his other two children. Liam hated himself for that. It wasn't because he didn't want to; he wanted that more than anything, but because he struggled to even try. He leaned back in the chair and rubbed his head.
Neither he or Maxxie said a word, not even turning to look at each other. Liam could hear his son shuffling beside him, coughing every couple of minutes. Liam's feet began to tap the floor then, his eyes wandering around the room. He must have been staring at the same withered plant for a good five minutes.
To both Liam and Maxxie's relief, it wasn’t long until the police man returned. He started speaking then, but Liam's son wasn’t listening. Something else had caught his attention. Sitting in the seat to his left was a young girl with long, dark plaits. When she noticed that Maxxie had spotted her, she smiled softly and winked at him. Liam's eyes remained on the police officer as the girl's lips parted. She looked at Maxxie.
“I told you not to take my daddy’s stuff.”
End of chapter
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
I think it was good, just really long. Sorry I didn't FIX EVERYTHING but I did the grammar for you, sorry. You didn't have a ton of grammar mistakes which is good. Keep on writing. I edited the first one you posted, instead. Good Luck!
Tiger here to review. Hopefully you can use these as pointers to work on when you continue this. Comments will be in bold (by the way, some comments really were just remarks as a reader, not reviews.
).
So all in all, this was really interesting. I was hoping that Maxxie would use his gift differently. I mean you know, seeing dead people and maybe learning how they died might deter him from doing thrill-seeking activities and stuff...but that's just me. Actually, Maxxie both annoys and interests me as a character. He annoys me because towards the end he makes some pretty stupid decisions, but he's interesting in how he reacts to situations and the views he seems to hold.
Anyway, the writing was very good, only nitpicks are that occasionally you make sentences unnecessarily long where they could be pretty short. And there were a few terms that confused me slightly. I very much liked the girl ghost, she has the mischievous quality of a poltergeist. Although something that seriously confused me: could Liam see her at the end? Does that mean she's not dead? Or that he can see the dead too? Guess I'll find out in the next chapter.
Tiger
So, I've decided to be lazy. I'm only reviewing the first person one.
I'll read both though, and give my opinion on it, of course
Also, I'm going to do a review in the quoted stuff which is always.... interesting.. when I do it. So.. yeah.
----I warily stepped one foot out of the window, glancing back into my dull bedroom for a moment. I think "and quickly glanced" would go better here to make it go a little bit smoother. Just a nitpick though. One small slip up, one noise, and I’d be screwed. Turning back around, the cold air hit my face. You could take out "Turning back around". I'd assumed they already had, because they glanced back instead of looking back, which means it was quickI looked down at my front garden as my heart slid up my throat a little. Stop being such a woman, I thought to myself. Do you want a good time or not? Maybe "girl" instead of "woman"? Is this the defining point for the gender? Meaning that they're a guy?
I pulled my other leg out onto the outside windowsill when I felt something bang against my foot. The next thing I heard was an ear shattering thud. Cursing under my breath, I looked inside of my room to see a snow globe lying on the floor just underneath the windowsill. You idiot! My panic was soon replaced with relief. It was cool; none of the globe had smashed apart. This was a bit weird; I'd at first imagine that they felt something against their foot outside, and then was wondering why in the world a snowglobe was laying outside their window. Took me a second, haha.
I waited by the window for a moment, my blood pumping rapidly around my body. I'd take out "around my body. Maybe "my blood pounding" or something?What would I say if anyone came in? I just wanted to check the windowsill for mould and dead bugs? Yep, that would have been an epic excuse. Top notch. I smirked. I certainly didn’t think that my dad would have appreciated that answer.
The moment my feet touched the moist ground, I exhaled heavily, shooting a silent fist pump into the air. I was seriously going to have to find a better way of getting out of that house. If my paranoid sister didn’t stay up so late, I’d have just been able to leave my room through the door, sneak downstairs, maybe grab a sandwich or something of that nature, and there we go, Bob’s your uncle. I’d have been out of the house in no time. Easy.
Why did I have to be such a paranoid freak when I made my way out of my bedroom window? I’d hoped by doing it often, I'd eventually get over it and maybe even begin to enjoy it. I'd done so many riskier things than sliding down a drainpipe before; those things sent electricity through my body, but why was I so creeped out by a chunk of plastic? I sighed heavily. I never had liked heights. I'd take out "had" here. There are a couple of places that you have extra "be" verbs. Just ask yourself if they need to be there, and if they don't, take em out.
I thought back to the first time I got chucked out from the pointless waste of time my dad called school. He didn't want to hear my side of the story. It was unfair though; he hadn’t even given me a chance to do well in school. It was always, At least try to do as good as your sister, or You're only embarrassing yourself if you mess up. I laughed bitterly and clicked my tongue. That was before I even went to secondary school. The dad's stuff is a little confusing; do you mean that his dad didn't really care about it, or put too much pressure on him? And I love that you put "secondary school".
“Hey, Sion,” David called. “Go and grab another pack of cider? We’re completely out.”
“I’ve already been in there without ‘buying’ anything,” Sion replied. “They’re going to notice if I go in again.” He turned to me. “You go and grab some, Maxxie.” He handed me his old sports bag. "Well, if you want."
The rest of the guys turned to me, expecting an answer. I felt my face light up as I grinned. Super nitpick for a second: can you feel your face light up? Why not? Another adrenaline rush.
“Yeah, sure,” I answered, taking the bag.
I put it over my shoulder before putting my hands into my pockets. I glanced back and forth at the road, making sure I wouldn’t soon be road kill, not that there really would be any cars at this time of night. It wasn’t long until I was on the other side of the road. I could hear my friends behind me, continuing with their chattering, not taking much notice of me as he Ientered the shop.
I looked at the posters on the walls for a moment. The biggest one read Now open 24/7! The rest of them seemed to be advertising some local dance club or something. I turned my attention away from the walls and glanced around the shop. Where was the alcohol...?
The saggy faced man behind the counter watched me as I made his way to the back of the shop. I could feel the man’s eyes on me, observing my every move. Duw, who did he think I was? Peter Parker? Yep, because I looked like the kind of guy who wore tights, lycra and a red and blue spider outfit. By the time I was out of sight, I had reached the refrigerated beverages at the end of the small shop.
I’d only ever done this once before, but I had a fair idea of what the best thing to do was. Besides, the riskier it was, the better. Darren Christopher, the shop owner, was good friends with my dad. If he found out about this whole situation, all hell would break lose. I shrugged. Darren wasn’t here now, so technically, I wasn’t taking anything from him.
Remembering that there were five guys outside waiting for me, I reached out for the six pack of cans. I could almost feel the excitement pumping through my veins. Perfect.
“Don’t you dare take my daddy’s stuff!” A high-pitched voice almost made me whack my arm against the giant fridge as I pulled away from the cans. How did she know he was stealing if he hadn't even touched the stuff yet?
Spinning around, I was welcomed by the face of a young, pale girl. Her eyes were narrowed and her black plaits reached the top of her hips.
I realised that I’d just had the living daylights scared out of me by some little girl. I was just so cool. As I bent to the side so that I could see the shopkeeper, I sighed in relief. The guy wasn’t even looking in our direction. That relief soon snuffed it, realisation kicking in. I groaned, turning back to the girl. Oh, God... Not another one...
At that moment, I knew that I had to do this thing quickly. Her bright eyes still blazing, the girl continued with her rant.
“Why are you people always naughty! Your friend was bad enou-”
She suddenly stopped talking. She must have been staring at me for a good part of a minute before saying anything else.
“Wait... You can see me?” Her voice was shaky.
No shit, Sherlock. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the young girls’ reaction. The reactions were always something similar to that.
Maybe I could fool her... It could have been fun. Ignoring the girl this time, I reached my arm out again and grabbed the cans. The little girl shouted in my face, half telling me to answer her question, and half telling him to put the alcohol down.
Trying not to show the frustration of having a kid shouting in my face, I quickly shoved the six-pack of cans into the bag. I was about to turn back around when the girl subtly pushed Sion’s phone out of the bag that contained the alcohol.
Cursing under my breath, I put the bag onto the refrigerator before I reached down. I could hear the girl giggling, almost squeaking like some budgie, beside me as I picked up the phone. Still bent down, I subtly popped my head around one of the aisle’s again, relieved to see that the shopkeeper hadn’t noticed anything.
ed it to the man who gave me a five pence piece in return. I happily thanked the man before turning to leave.
This entire section, where we slowly figure out what's going on is done very well, so good job on that
My eyes followed the clocks’ arms, slowly ticking forward. It felt as though the grey walls were gradually closing in on me. I glanced to the side of me to see a bloke sitting a few seats away. His eyes were bloodshot and I could smell the booze on him from where I was sitting. Yum...
I glanced back at the clock, hoping to see that time had hastily passed. Not even a minute had gone by. All of the exhilarating feelings had definitely disappeared by now. The sound of the police station’s door opening turned my eyes away from the walls. They turned to my dad as he walked inside.
Who? He glanced at me, his teeth gritted, before stopping at where two police officers were standing behind a counter.
“Liam Bevan,” he muttered, nodding at me. “His father.”
I scratched myhead, avoiding to look at my dad’s face. The two men began to discuss something as I strained to listen to what was being said. I couldn’t hear a word.
Why was my dad always on everyone else's side? Never mine? If he hated me that much, why didn't he just tell me? It wasn't like it would have come as a shock; he was always like this. Mind you, he hardly treated Aiden in a godly way either, although it was a lot better than the way he treated me. He could have at least pretended to give a damn.----
So yeah. I lost the little quote box with my super expertise-ness. Anyways- I like it. There were a couple of places in this one where you lapsed into third person, but I think I caught all of them and showed you where. I like this in first person better- the emotions are better expressed and seem to flow more naturally. It allows the reader to connect with them more. I have no comments on structure or style or anything... you've got that all down.
This sounds like a really interesting start to a story- lemme know if you continue it and I'll read the rest.
Sorry for the super long delay before I FINALLY got to this. c:
Great job!
-Coral-
hi! back for ch.1
OVERALL:
Grammar:
perfect as always, except you don't spell realize realise.. you spell it REALIZE
STORYLINE/FLOW:
much, much better. MUCH BETTER! not by my point of view but my others.
p.s. I loved Bob's your uncle!
I think the idea that Laim kind of resents Maxxie is..... I don't know seems far fetched to me.. Though I also thinks it makes it poetic.
MC/C:
Maxxie is 16??????????? it just seems like a very,very fast transistion! add something in his childhood.
thats it. ON TO CH.2!!!!!!!!!!
~pointe
Hey Rhian! Shubhi here. I'll review now.
I am just confused hy you added 'Bob's your uncle'? Maybe it's just me.Drunk? You seem confused here in the tenses. It ought to be 'drink' much and drunk is used when a person is highly intoxicated. Like: He's drunk. Not when you need to tell it as in a verb.
'Recent events' just sounds a bit...weird to me. So you could replace it with 'whole situation'.
Nice ending to the first part, but how 'bout you brought in more drama here? Just a stupid advice, I know.
Ah, now I know who this guy is and who is his mother. The best thing I liked was that you didn't relate anything of the prologue here and thus keeping a perfect suspense and thrill for the readers. Anyways, it was a smooth read except for some minor mistakes which I hope I've pointed out. Your writing has really improved for good since I first read this and though I can't tell if I am finding this more interesting than the earlier version, I still like it. It is going great, and knowing you would end up great. I really like the whole thing of how they all are sneaking out in the night to have some wild time, which I believe is great.
Now for the nit-picks, I think you could have given us more description or info about how the whole party or the gang was dressed as, or how they were moving about and all that stuff. It would be really fun to know what kind of people were there in the crowd, and what all they were drinking besides drinking. I think this was the major part lacking in this piece, and once you have this in motion, the whole thing would become 'perfect'. I think that was the worse part here since you didn't bring over the feel to us and all. The lights, the music or anything were there should have been given an introduction. Generally people are too excited to read about such parties and especially the ones who never experience them personally. I would really like to get more information on this frankly.
I don't have anything to say except for the the fact that since your shopkeeper knew what these guys are mostly upto so practically he shouldn't have checked on Maxxie or something? But then you won't be able to show how the girl ruined the night for Max. Don't go by me then.
Keep Writing,
Shubhi
Can You See Me? ~ Chapter One
*****
Flow here as requested and I will be your reviewer for the night. I really did enjoy this quite a bit my friend. I can see that you put a lot of effort into editing this, and it is indeed a good read.
Maxxie warily stepped one foot out of the window, glancing back into his bedroom for a moment. One small slip up, one noise, and he'd be screwed. Turning back around, the cold air hit his face. He looked down at his front garden. His heart slid up his throat a little. Stop being such a woman, he thought to himself. Do you want a good time or not?
He pulled his other leg out onto the outside windowsill when he felt something tap his foot. The next thing he heard was an ear shattering thud. Cursing under his breath, he looked inside of his room to see a snow globe lying on the floor just underneath the windowsill. You idiot! His panic was soon replaced with relief. Thankfully, none of the globe had smashed apart.
He waited by the window for a moment, his heart racing. What would he have said if anyone came in? I just wanted to check the windowsill for mould No u here. and dead bugs? He certainly didn’t think that his dad would have appreciated that answer.
He shook his head. Why was he even thinking about that? He could have been on the ground by now. Trying to forget about the drop below him, he grasped onto the drainpipe that led down the front of his house. He should have been used to this by now; he did it practically every weekend. This was the one part of sneaking out of the house that he simply couldn't get used to. Whatever happened to facing your fears will conquer them? Loosening his grip slightly, Maxxie carefully slid down the side of his house as silently as he possibly could.
The moment his feet touched the moist ground, he exhaled heavily. He was seriously going to have to find a better way of getting out of the house. If his sister didn’t stay up so late, he’d have just been able to leave his room through the door, sneak downstairs, maybe grab a sandwich or something of that nature, and there we go, Bob’s your uncle. He’d have been out of the house in no time.
His fear of reaching the ground from his bedroom window frustrated him. He was hoping that by doing it often, he'd eventually get over it and maybe even begin to enjoy it. He'd done so many riskier things than sliding down a drainpipe before; those things sent electricity through his body, but why was he so creeped out by a chunk of plastic? He sighed heavily. He never had liked heights. Would a drainpipe really hold up his weight? I am assuming he isn't all that young so he has to be kind of heavy, and drainpipes don't hold much weight up. Perhaps a tree or something?
Realising that he was only wasting more time, he zipped up his jacket and strolled up the driveway. The sad thing about this is that it isn't even twelve o’ clock yet. Hardly late. Fair enough, it might be kind of late to be going outside, but it is way better than being cramped in my room all night. He let out a long breath, shutting his eyes for a second or two.
Turning the street corner, Maxxie shoved his hands into his jean pockets. He was almost sixteen; why did his dad have to treat him like such a child? He supposed he should have been used to it by now. I love the teenage angst here. It reminds me of myself almost, but isn't he more of a child for sneaking out. Perhaps I should learn this lesson haha.
He thought back to the first time he got suspended from school. His dad didn't want to hear his side of the story. It was unfair though; he hadn’t even given Maxxie a chance to do well in school. It was always, At least try to do as good as your sister, or You're only embarrassing yourself if you mess up. Maxxie laughed bitterly. That was before he even went to secondary school. I really love how you show the characters emotions here. It is something many writers, including myself, fail to do so many times.
He cursed under his breath. Why was he thinking about that now? The only reason he snuck out of his house at night was to get away from all of that crap. He paused. It was his birthday soon... Great. He shoved the thoughts out of his head and continued walking.
The tall street lights brightened as he reached the centre Center perhaps? of the small town. Soon enough, he spotted the newsagents. Almost there. He then noticed Sion, the one friend he’d known since childhood, sitting on the steps by the car park. There were a couple of other people there too; some he knew, some he didn’t. Sion soon spotted him, lifting his arm up into the air in recognition, a can of cider in his hand
“Oi! Max!” he called, sipping the cider before placing it onto the concrete ground.
He jogged across the road to meet Maxxie, who was now wandering in his direction.
Sion messed up his already scruffy hair as he greeted him, laughing. He smoothed his hair back down as a smile crept onto his face. Sion was always able to cheer him up with one simple action or comment.
“Your old man didn’t catch you then?” Sion lead Maxxie, who shook his head, back towards the car park. “The guy’s a prick. It’s like you can’t have a blooming life.”
Maxxie shrugged. “He’s not that bad.”
“Maxxie, he practically has you on a leash.” He tapped his knees, telling him to roll over. Sion soon burst out laughing.
Maxxie slapped his head, resulting in the two boys laughing. They sat down on the car park steps, Sion grabbing his unfinished can of cider from the ground. He offered Maxxie a can, but he simply shook his head. He never really drunk much. Besides, it was a hell of a lot more fun to see the other guys drunk, and then being able to make fun of them the next day. I know this has an accent, but wouldn't it be drank much? I'm not really sure here.
A few of the guys said hello to him; the ones he knew cracking the odd joke, which he just went along with. It didn’t take long for Maxxie to relax, talking to the people around him with ease. Besides his brother, they were the only people he could really speak to comfortably. It was like they were part of another world; no dad, no school, no one ordering him around, no worries. Nothing. It was wonderful.
His mind traced back to the countless amount of lectures he'd had in school. They were constantly warning him that he should never give in to peer pressure, never do something he didn't want to, blah, blah, blah. He wasn't doing any of that though; he wanted to hang out with these people. The things they did constantly gave him an adrenaline rush. He supposed that because of that, he wasn't really doing much wrong. Everyone told him not to give into peer pressure, not that he shouldn't mess about because he wanted to. It made perfect sense.
As the teenagers spoke, steam rapidly burst out of their mouths, showing how cold the air really was. There were some trees dotted around the car park, all of which were thin and bare, their branches stretching out like a witch's fingers.
"Hey, Max, you all right?" Sion's voice caught him by surprise.
Maxxie turned to his friend who was drinking the remains of his can. He watched as Sion shook the drink, checking that there wasn't anything left.
"You seem a bit off," he continued. He glanced around the group before turning back to his friend. Maxxie shrugged. "Come take this to the bin with me for a sec." Sion held the empty can up.
Not giving it much thought, he followed Sion as he began to wander over towards the end of the car park.
Maxxie highly doubted that his friend needed any help to put a can of cider in the bin, but he followed him anyway. He probably wanted to talk to him about something that he wouldn't have liked to have been asked out loud. Probably to ask him if he was okay again. That was his guess, anyway.
While the boys headed over to the bin, they heard one of the other boys, David, call behind them. They spun around to see him grinning.
"Don't make out for too long!"
"We won't!" Maxxie called back as he winked. "I need to make sure I've got enough energy left for you!"
Both he and Sion laughed as they reached the bin. He dropped the can in before leaning against the bench beside it. Maxxie eventually did the same.
"So, yeah, what's up, Max?"
He shrugged. "Birthday soon... You know."
He didn't need to say any more than that; Sion knew exactly what he meant. A gentle smile spread across his face as he tapped Maxxie's back.
"Don't worry about it," he said. "Besides, I'm getting you something epic. I should get you a puppy or something... One of those shaved ones."
The both of them started laughing, lifting Maxxie's spirit a little. If there was one thing he hated about the end of the year, it was easily his birthday. He'd spent the last couple over either Sion or Aiden's house just so that he could avoid being at home.
Maxxie stood straight as he tapped his friend's shoulder, signalling to follow him back towards the others. The strong stench of the bin was getting a bit too much. Sion jogged up to him as he strolled back towards the group at the other end of the car park.
Once they reached the others, David unsurprisingly made a few comments about them spending every other night at each other's houses, sleeping with scented candles and a jasmine incense. He was chuckling when there was a sudden gust of wind, blowing the empty food packets around the road and pavements. Maxxie shivered.
“Hey, Sion,” David called. “Go and grab another pack of cider? We’re completely out.”
“I’ve already been in there without ‘buying’ anything,” Sion replied. “They’re going to notice if I go in again.” He turned to Maxxie. “You go and grab some, Maxxie.” He handed him his old sports bag. "Well, if you want."
The rest of the guys turned to him, expecting an answer. He felt his face light up as he smiled. Why not? Another adrenaline rush.
“Yeah, sure,” he answered, taking the bag.
He put it over his shoulder before putting his hands into his pockets. He glanced back and forth at the road, checking that there weren’t any cars, not that there really would be at this time of night. It wasn’t long until he was on the other side of the road. He could hear his friends behind him, continuing with their chattering, not taking much notice of Maxxie as he entered the shop.
He looked at the posters on the walls for a moment. The biggest one read Now open 24/7! The rest of them seemed to be advertising some local dance club or something. Maxxie turned his attention away from the walls and glanced around the shop. Where was the alcohol...?
The middle-aged man behind the counter watched Maxxie as he made his way to the back of the shop. He could feel the man’s eyes on him, observing his every move. By the time he was out of sight, Maxxie had reached the refrigerated beverages at the end of the small shop.
He’d only ever done this once before, but he had a fair idea of what the best thing to do was. Besides, the riskier it was, the better. Darren Christopher, the shop owner, was good friends with Maxxie’s dad. If he found out about this whole situation, all hell would break lose. He shrugged. Darren wasn’t here now, so technically, he wasn’t taking anything from him.
Remembering that there were five guys outside waiting for him, he reached out for the six pack of cans. He could almost feel the excitement pumping through his veins. Perfect.
“Don’t you dare take my daddy’s stuff!” A high-pitched voice almost made Maxxie whack his arm against the giant fridge as he pulled away from the cans.
Spinning around, he was welcomed by the face of a young, pale girl. Her eyes were narrowed and her black plaits reached the top of her hips.
He realised that he’d just had the living daylights scared out of him by a little girl. A bit embarrassing. As he bent to the side so that he could see the shopkeeper, he sighed in relief. The shopkeeper wasn’t even looking in their direction. That relief soon vanished, realisation kicking in. Maxxie groaned, turning back to the girl. Oh, God... Not another one...
At that moment, Maxxie knew that he had to do this quickly. Her bright eyes still blazing, the girl continued with her rant.
“Why are you people always naughty! Your friend was bad enou-”
She suddenly stopped talking. She must have been staring at Maxxie for a good part of a minute before saying anything else.
“Wait... You can see me?” Her voice was shaky.
No shit, Sherlock. Maxxie couldn’t help but chuckle at the young girls’ reaction. The reactions were always something similar to that.
Maybe he could fool her... It could have been fun. Ignoring the girl this time, Maxxie reached his arm out again and grabbed the cans. The little girl shouted in his face, half telling him to answer her question, and half telling him to put the alcohol down.
Trying not to show the frustration of having a kid shouting in his face, he quickly shoved the six-pack of cans into the bag. He was about to turn back around when the girl subtly pushed Sion’s phone out of the bag that contained the alcohol.
Cursing under his breath, Maxxie put the bag onto the refrigerator before he reached down. He could hear the girl giggling beside him as he picked up the phone. That was a good sign. Still bent down, he subtly popped his head around one of the aisle’s again, relieved to see that the shopkeeper hadn’t noticed anything.
He put Sion’s phone into his jean’s pocket, grabbing the bag once more. Like it was placed when he’d walked inside, Maxxie lifted the bag over his shoulder. As he passed the sweet aisle, he picked up a Mars bar and a packet of Skittles. He then made his way over to the counter. Now for the best part. It was time for him to see if he had the man fooled.
He could feel the dark-haired girl beside him, but he didn’t dare turn to look at her. The man behind the counter scanned his items. Ninety five pence and not an ounce of suspicion. He fiddled in his pocket until he found a pound coin, and handed it to the man who gave him a five pence piece in return. Maxxie happily thanked the man before turning to leave.
The shopkeeper muttered something inaudible, not that he was listening anyway. He was more concentrated on returning safely to his friends. All that he needed to do now was to reach the shop door.
His heart rate had evened out by now, and by the time he’d reached the shop’s door, it was almost beating at its everyday pace. Almost there. Suddenly, there was a loud clinking sound. He froze. Lying on the floor were six cans of cider, the side pocket of the bag hanging open.
Maxxie stayed in the spot, remaining frozen for a moment. The next thing he heard was the shopkeeper’s voice, shouting, his senses returning.
“Oi! Stay there!” the man called.
Even if he had wanted to, Maxxie couldn’t have moved an inch. He’d closed that bag... He’d zipped it up as tightly as possible. He knew he had. How come the cans fell out? Just his luck.
The man aggressively grabbed the bag that was still hanging over his shoulder, opening the main pocket this time. Maxxie’s eyes widened as the light revealed a pile of items he hadn’t even thought about putting in the bag: more alcohol, a lighter, sweets, chocolate, even some kind of pastry snack. Those things were not in there before...
The next thing he heard was a soft giggle. Shifting his eyes, Maxxie saw the little dark haired girl, a smirk on her young face. She hadn’t...
When the phone fell out; when he bent down to pick it up, leaving the bag unattended. He groaned. He had zipped the bag up properly, someone else had just unzipped it again. Someone an everyday person couldn’t see. In the meantime, throwing in a bunch of other stuff.
The shopkeeper shuffled through the bag, revealing its contents clearly. Maxxie couldn't believe it. He'd probably been so focused on grabbing the stuff and going, he hadn't even noticed that the bag felt too heavy to just be carrying six cans of cider. The shopkeeper ordered him to lift the bag off of his shoulder, and he did as he was told. Crap. His dad was going to kill him. The adrenaline wasn't worth that...
“You kids are disgusting!” the shopkeeper spat in his face. “No respect for anyone anymore!”
He could feel his cheeks reddening as he swallowed. He'd really let the excitement situation take over him. Why had he been so stupid? He'd done this before easily. Mind you, there wasn't some meddling little girl there then.
He tried to think of something to say... anything that would have been able to justify all of this. He hadn’t even taken half of that stuff.The man pulled out a mobile phone from his pocket, his eyes locked onto the teenager in front of him.
“No, please!” Maxxie tried. “I can explain...”
Ignoring his plea entirely, the shopkeeper held his phone to his ear after pressing the call button. The phone eventually stopped ringing.
“Yes,” the man said, “police please.”
He watched helplessly as the shopkeeper described recent events to the man on the other side of the phone. Maybe he could have ran? He scratched his head.... No, that would have been too risky. It would have been cool to do though...
Placing the phone back into his pocket, the man glared at Maxxie, interrupting his thoughts. He aggressively took the bag from his clammy hands.
“Are you even eighteen?” The shopkeeper dropped the bag onto the floor with a loud thud.
His mouth dry, all that Maxxie could do was shake his head. The sound of the girl giggling echoed in his ears as she laughed over by the counter.
Maxxie’s eyes followed the clocks’ arms, slowly ticking forward. It felt as though the dull walls were gradually closing in on him. He glanced to the side of him to see a man sitting a few seats away. His eyes were bloodshot and Maxxie could smell the booze on him from where he was sitting.
He glanced back at the clock, hoping to see that time had hastily passed. Not even a minute had gone by. All of the exhilarating feelings had definitely disappeared by now. The sound of the police station’s door opening turned his eyes away from the walls. They turned to his dad as he walked inside.
He glanced at him, his teeth gritted, before stopping at where two police officers were standing behind a counter.
“Liam Bevan,” he muttered, nodding at his son. “His father.”
Maxxie scratched his head, avoiding to look at his dad’s face. The two men began to discuss something as he strained to listen to what was being said. He couldn’t hear a word.
He had no idea what had happened to Sion and the others. The only thing he was sure of was that they weren’t here right now. He wished that he hadn't done it now. If only there was a way he could feel those heart fastening feelings without screwing a load of things up.
He soon saw his dad walking towards him, shaking his head. Following behind was the police man who’d taken him to the station. His dad sat down beside him, not looking at his son for a second. The police man stood above him.
“Can I ask you a couple of questions now that your father’s here?” It was more of a statement than a question.
Maxxie swallowed before nodding slowly. His dad still wasn’t looking at him. Instead, his eyes were fixed on the police man’s face.
“Name?” he asked, pulling out a pen form his pocket, preparing to write on a clipboard in his hands.
“Maxxie Dai Bevan,” he mumbled.
“Date of birth?”
“Um, the thirteenth of the eleventh, nineteen ninety five.”
The questions continued, forcing Maxxie to realise how irresponsible he had actually been. This wasn’t the first time he’d ever been in trouble with the police, but he knew that he was in deep this time.
Once the questions had finished, the police man thanked him before popping his pen back into his pocket. The clipboard in hand, he headed over towards the desk, still keeping a close eye on the teenager behind him.
“What is wrong with you?” Here we go.
Maxxie turned his head to see his dad staring at the wall, his teeth remained clenched. He shook his head and laughed bitterly.
“Everyone’s overreacting anyway,” Maxxie flatly responded.
“I don’t even know what to say to you.” For the first time, his dad locked eyes with him.
He stared back at his father’s aged eyes. They were much older than they should have been for a man in their early forties. He supposed it was a mix of stress and just about everything else.
Why was his dad always on everyone else's side? Never his? If he hated him that much, why didn't he just tell him? It wasn't like it would have come as a shock; he was always like this. Mind you, he hardly treated Aiden in a godly way either, although it was a lot better than the way he treated Maxxie. He could have at least pretended to care.
The father and son remained silent then, not even turning to look at each other. Maxxie almost missed the police man’s company. He could feel himself sweating, wishing that this could just be over with.
To his relief, it wasn’t long until the police man returned. He started speaking then, but Maxxie wasn’t listening. Something else had caught his attention. Sitting in the seat on his left was a young girl with long, dark plaits.
When she noticed that he had spotted her, she smiled softly and winked at him. He glanced at his father before turning back to the girl. Her lips parted.
“I told you not to take my daddy’s stuff.”
For the Can You See Me? club, click here.[/quote]
Well hello there Skinsey
One thing that I noticed in this was near the middle of the chapter it began to drag. You added the getting caught in the store and the girl who can't be seen to spice it up, but before that it was dragging something awful. I thing taking out a little bit of it could help or adding something else exciting. Talking about the other characters more or something.
Other than that I loved it. I'm truly sorry that I can't comment anymore than I did. It was just to good. It reminds me of the story I wrote a while ago but never finished. It's on here, but it wasn't any good at all.
-Flow-
Hi Skinsy!
This is good. Keep it.So, here I am. Thanks for asking ever so politely. (I's 6.45am, and I might ramble a bit, forgive me.)
So, I like the first chapter. It's good. Well, don't worry too much about it becoming clichéd. Just avoid obviously excessive clichés.
Now, I didn't really like the first half of this. As Loopy said, there's quite a bit of info dumping. I think you can minimize this first half and develop a little more into the second half.
The starting para : I think you can start in a better way. Maybe say how he grazed his foot while sliding down. Or, he hoped, that no one had heard an ‘ow.’ Unless you really need the snow globe bit in, I don’t think it’s necessary.
This again is an unnecessary chunk. You could make it a lot simpler, turning it into a line that says he is scared of heights and plug in another para.
He’d have a flapping jacket as he goes down the pipe?
I do like this Sion guy. Only problem with this sentence is the ‘he’ used. For a split sec, I thought he was Maxxie until I realized it’s Sion. Pronoun confusion - never good.
See, here, I instinctively thought ‘he’ was Sion because the previous sentence was about him. As much as pronouns are awesome, try to avoid confusing people.
I’m a little nitpicky with such confusions. Methinks, a reader shouldn’t reread a sentence to understand it while reading for the first time.
Nah, they’re all in their teens, we know. It’s abit obvious so skip that. Also, you can just say how the fog spiraled or something when someone spoke. It’s condensed and that’s always good for the reader.
Ahaa! Love!
I loved the way you ended; ‘twas good.
Overall
Keep the info dumping to a minimum. You should develop them over the course of the story rather than stuffing us with it now. The main thing is, you want to tell us about him. Show it to us slowly.
On Maxxie and friends - I’m not sure if I’m right, but from what I read into it, they don’t seem like really bad kids. Just kids who want to do something like that. And, I would prefer them that way. If this wasn’t what you intended, maybe try to not make it clichéd.
Maxxie and Sion – I like them. Good building of the relationship. This is how you should go about developing the dad relationship as well. They may have shared just a few sentences but you can immediately grasp their friendship.
On Maxxie and Dad – Yes, there’s some bad friction. But what you’re telling us isn’t exactly developing the character. You have to progress to show us all the subtleties and little nuances that help build him. Don’t dwell too much on the dad relationship for your development.
Description – I liked the minimalistic approach. It wasn’t over done, and yet you managed to pull it off well. The only bits of unnecessary description was from the dad talk. Also, make use of his eyes in the first half. There's a lot of doing, but show us something using his eyes. It will help fix the idea in a reader's head.
Do, I would suggest some major editing in the first half. The second half is good.
450! WhooWhoo!
Hope to’ve helped. Any questions/comments, PM me.
~Lava
This is a great story!I like that you added some humor!I couldn't see a whole lot of problems that other people haven't already seen!So the only advice I can give you is KEEP WRITING!:)
I'm just writing this to tell you this is really interesting. I was hooked. Literally. I suppose that all the nitpicks have been covered, so I'll just say one last thing: amazing job.
Okay, so I really needed to break this into two posts, 'cause today was a busy day blah blah...had to do a lot of errands. Anyway, I'm back, so I'm off for the second part of this chapter.
>> Were there a lot of clocks, or was this a typo?
>> What was the "they"? Maxxie's eyes, or the walls? =) I know, I know. common sense, but it's always better to be specific with pronouns, I guess.
>> Who glanced at who? Whose teeth was gritted? Being specific with antecedents are very, very important.
See?
>> It's always better to repeat one's name than to bring confusion. I would suggest this:
Did I get it right? Or was I confused with the pronouns that my corrections weren't corrections. LOL I hope I understood it who's who.
>> This, I would probably suggest, just put in numerals?
OH MY...HE'S BORN ON THE SAME DAY AS MY BEST FRIEND. O_o do you think she has the same capabilities? LOL kidd'
>> As in ever?? O_O MEan dad....
OVERALL
There were pronoun confusion, but that's not such a huge problem. Just be consistent with your use of pronouns. I know it can be tricky using pronouns when three men are talking to each other, but that's just a challenge I know you can easily put up with, Unc! You've improved with your dialogue tags (they were a bit annoying in A Shot of Arrogance) and that is very, very good.
As of the story--characters and plot. Oh, Uncle Skinsy! I had so much fun reading this! I honestly loved it! Your characterization of Maxxie was done well. Also the girl. Of course, I couldn't help thinking of Maxxie's kinda looking similar with Yuenish, LOL...White hair and blue eyes! I hope you'd elaborate on his looks in the next chapters. LOL
The cut of this chapter was right. You've made you readers hang on for the next chapter. Now, I'm so curious who that girl is. And why the title is "Can You See Me?" Who can see who? We will see! Just well done, Unc. WELL DONE!
~ JAsh ♥
I can swear that yesterday, this was in first person! O_o Aww.. whatever Unc. Nei--ehem--Nephew here to review. *fixes collar*
NITPICKS|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION
So I won't be having any time to check out the above reviewers, but I must tell you, those reviewers are those who are epic, so I'll try my best to leave some good comments. LOL
>> If someone had tapped his foot while he was pulling out his leg, then this is right. There should be a "had" between he and pulled though if there is a sequence between the two actions. You get what I mean. Just a thought though. =))
>> Um...this kind of confused me. Was he talking to himself at the end of the sentence? What is up with Bob? Was that some kind of idiom or something that I'm not familiar with? O_o
>> The pronouns where a bit confusing here. Maybe you could say, "Sion soon spotted his friend, lifting an arm up into the air in recognition, a can of cider in his hand"...??
>> Not so sure with the prep there. Hmmm...
>> Umm...I think there was a tense confusion there. That should be "drank", right? Or "he never really had drunk much. Or he never really had been a drunk???? O_o
>> Probably a colon instead of a semi?
1. "They" who? You just mentioned the group of people he wanted to hang out with, but it seems like you were telling about the people at school here.
2. "That" what? Be careful with demonstrative pronouns. It could be very tricky to hold which subjects you were referring to, especially actions.
>> This was a bit confusing. It made perfect sense to him, but it didn't to me actually. O_O Am I being a sloppy reader this morning?
>>Great descriptions, Unc. =D/
>> The ellipsis unnecessary.
>> what was the best thing to do??
1. Better if "Maxxie"...
2. & 3. "the man" or "his father's friend"...just to end the anticipated confusion.
>> Either italicize that, or say "It was perfect".
>> I don't think italicizing the proper nouns is necessary. =)) 'Cause it just adds to the confusion of what's inside Max's head and what's emphasized. You're using italics already to two different jobs. If you get what I mean...
Okay, Unc. I'll be back for the next part. I'm famished. Lunch time first. =)
Hey Skins, I'm here as requested!
First off, the POV question--I'd say go with whatever feels right for you, but I know that isn't particularly helpful, so I'll just give you my viewpoint. Personally, I preferred reading the part leading up to the store incident in the third person, but once Maxxie started seeing the girl I liked the first person better. To expand a bit on why, I felt like the first person was a good narrative style for the more action-packed sequences; however, when you give background in the first person, it just feels a little too much like the character's going, "Here's my autobiography" instead of it blending nicely as a narrative, like it was through the third person view. Not sure if that makes sense (it did quite clearly in my head), but those are just my thoughts on it.
Now, as for the review.
This was something I noticed several times throughout your post; I'm pretty sure there's an official "name" for it, but I can't think of it now. Anyways, you have too many undefined "he's" and "him's"; I've highlighted everything relating to Sion in blue, and everything about Maxxie in red. See how it keeps switching between the characters without us being able to easily tell who is who? If you read it aloud, you'll see that it's hard to tell who exactly you're talking about when you just refer to the character as a "him." Just something to keep in mind so it's not too confusing.
Drank.
Can't quite picture what you mean by this; how could she push the phone out of the bag? Was it from the bottom and she pushed the bag upwards so it fell out?
That's really all the nitpicks I have. Great work yet again, I look forward to reading the next part!
Hey there Skins! Got around to the first chapter! I like this! Maxxie has a very distinct voice, which is really working well here. Great job on getting that POV voice down. You already have a lot of great reviews here, and the rough narrative patches have mostly been pointed out, so I'll try not to rehash that you already know.
I really like the way this is working--how quickly the character hooks the reader. It's working well and Maxxie is a pretty vibrant character so far. It makes me wonder if you even need the prologue, really. Without the prologue, you would have to spend more time introducig his interaction with the little girl, as we wouldn't be expecting anything strange, but this is a much stronger start than the prologue is, so that is something to keep in mind.
But, into my suggestions. As I have said, the sentence-level stuff has mostly been pointed out. Just remember to keep reading aloud and pay attention to each individual word you use. I'm mostly going to talk about character interaction. Maxxie's interaction with Sion is the main focus of this chapter, it seems, and I wonder if that's really what you want. His interaction with Sion overpowers his interactions with the little girl and with his dad, and yet the relationships with the little girl and his dad seems more important to me,
The interaction with the little girl is a very important aspect of this and yet it doesn't get very much time on the page. The chapter seems to run over that moment and move on to other things and a lot of that may have to do with Maxxie's voice and personality, but I think that moment deserves some more time. The prose could use to slow down there and we could use to get a better image of the girl, the shop and what is happening between Maxxie and the girl.
And the interaction with his father. The interaction with his father is seriously overpowered by the other interactions and, as has been mentioned, we mostly get Maxxie's thoughts, which don't make a whole lot of sense. Maxxie complains that his father never takes his side, but that hardly seems a valid accusation after Maxxie just tried to steal something. Maybe it's his adolescent mind spinning, but, if that is so, we need to see that more clearly. The interaction with the dad and Maxxie is a prime opportunity to delve into the dynamics between them as a whole, so don't let that opportunity go by. What is their relationship like? Why does Maxxie dread being home for his birthday so much? Is his father grief-stricken, mean or just tired? These things should obviously not be addressed through telling but they can arise out of more time spent in the interaction between Maxxie and his father.
So, I like Sion and Maxxie's friends and it gives the story a very realistic feel to it. Those characters are breathing just find on their own but that interaction is overpowering moments that I think deserve to be drawn out. Emphasis is important; think about where the story is going to unfold and what needs to be addressed foremost. Part of what really makes characters compelling is the contrast and/or relationship between a character's thought process and his actions, and the thought process you have down. It's just the individual actions and reactions that need to be developed in comparison to the grand thought process you have set in place.
Anyways, great chapter one! Keep working on those sentence-level things! Keep writing! If you have any questions or just want to chat about how the editing is going, feel free to PM me!
Hello there, Sniks!
Just by looking at those critiques before me, I don't really have that much to say. Yes, it's a tad cliche' but hey, I think you've written this very well. The story plot itself is intriguing and the stealing part creates this feeling of suspense/thrilling to your readers, which I truly think is a good thing. The flow is okay since you have less awkward sentences, and verbs are all constant.
Speaking about the characters, you've done well on depicting Maxxie's personality throughout this chapter. In my own view, it seems like he's that kind of a guy who's unfairly treated by his father, sneaks out and goes off to his friends' house for leisure and random things. And there, an unbelievable time of his life when he meets a girl, who he thinks is someone unnatural- like a ghost. Something like that and blah, blah, blah. It's not a bad thing honestly. I think he's realistic, but maybe I would want to expect more of his feelings or emotions, because his thoughts and opinions are only splattered on this story.
All in all, I thank you for the good read. Your writing skills are getting better. Yay! I apologize if ever you see this review not helpful at all because the critiques above me have done their job in details. Keep writing, Sniks!
Peace out,
Yuri
Bleh. I'm here. I'm late. But I'll review.
Unnecessary. You don't have to tell us he looked at the grass, just tell us he looked at the garden. Cut out words you don't need. "He looked down at his front garden." Also, putting in the grass there and then adding the garden first makes me think of a regular lawn and then when I read garden I think of flowers and plants with grass on top of them. *sadface*
I'm thinking that you purposely made this part long in order to enhance the 'fear' factor here. To show us his weakness and build suspense. You did that quite well but I'd work on making it shorter. Saying a little less because I felt like the scene sort of dragged. Another thing, why was he totally freaked out for making just a tiny bit of noise? Also, why slip out of the house when his sister is still awake? I'd wait till she fell asleep or something. Lock the door? I don't know, I don't usually sneak out of my house in the middle of the night. xD
Sent electricity through his body?
This part confuses me, actually mostly just the first sentence because of the way it is worded. He couldn't blame his son, as in the father? Are you going into the father's perspective then?
Wait, wha? It's more fun to see other guys drunk "than" making fun of them the next day?
I can't pick between the two and I'm thinking you mean to say it another way but I'm not sure.
Yay! Humor! I liked this one. XD
Overall
Well, well, since I'm late I don't have much to comment on. Your chapter was good, great in fact. I really liked the way you described Maxxine, he's a cool character and bit annoying though. Like, he seems to sulk and be depressed alot and it kind of bugs me. Then again, it won't last right? I think you did over mention the father-son not liking each other thing a lot in this chapter, after the first few thoughts, I kind of got it but it repeated itself. Well, maybe just to me. I'm weird like that. However, his personality is interesting and I like the maturity level here so much more than ASOA.
The plot it revealing itself steadily and nicely. The girl is interesting and I actually really enjoyed her mischievous actions. I'm thinking she's the dead daughter of the stop owner dude. Hmm, sounds very cool. I wonder if she's a main character or just a little character you're going to put in here for the time being.
Your grammar and punctuation was good. I didn't notice anything really off-beat about it. Then again, I totally stink at catching typos and stuff. *fail*
Actually, there is one thing I'd like to state. It seemed like you over did your descriptions here. Like, they were different than what you normally write and it isn't exactly a bad thing but don't pack too much description in or it slows the pace of the story with shiny phrases that we don't really need. Try to keep your description short, concise and to the point. Remember your five senses and character thoughts. (I'm working on this as well. XP)
Anyway, I don't have much else to add. You did a great job, Skinsy!
-Punk
P.S. You are my 450th review. Congrats! *throws confetti*
This is good. I don't have much to say about it. I think you should show the interaction between Maxie and his dad a bit more in this chapter. All we see are Maxie's thoughts on the relationship; I want to know what his dad said to make him think that way. Otherwise, I think this chapter was fine. I did read your prologue and didn't have any problems with it either. Keep going!
Skinsy-the-zombie; I'M back!
Ok, I really enjoy this so far. Sion is a much more likable character. Two things, though. First of all, Maxxie agrees right away to go in for 'another adrenaline rush'. Wouldn't he have found it a rush to drop out of his bedroom window?
And second, the part I put in bold up there, was from the unedited version. BEcause he doesn't mention 'not acting like a woman' in this one.
And that was it! I noticed the improvements; great job! Still love this!
Tanya.
P.S. You deserve to be featured. Get it into your head, friend.
Oh, by the way, I forgot to say that you seemed to have used a lot of adverbs in this chapter. They say that a lot of adverbs makes the sentences weak. So, I suggest you go cut down on the adverbs as well. xD
Alright, so now that HP is over and I've managed to finish my assignments I am ready to review. Go me! Sorry for the wait, though. But you know what: HP does rock!
I. Nitpicks:
There is nothing particulary wrong here but those two words just don't seem to click. Every single time I go over them I keep getting the same thing. It sounds weird, it sounds conjuncted. I suggest changing it, but then maybe you shouldn't. After all it may just be me. I'm insane you know.
It's a globe. We suspect it to be glass; globes cannot be anything else. Never in my life have I ever seen a wooden globe, it wouldn't be a globe, it would be a wooden, round ball. By saying globe's glass it kind of makes me think of my Mother lecturing me. Not good.
This has always been a pet hate to me. I don't say it to other writers as I feel like I shouldn't but I'm your love child and I must. To me when someone is thinking to themselves then laughs bitterly I completely forget the person's personality and imagine a mad man babbling to himself and rubbing his hands, smiling some what like rat. It just doesn't work for me. Try chuckled. That still gives me a creap, but yeah.
Who is he? Maxxie? I suggest pointing this out, as it makes the sentence a whole heap clearer.
Okay, teens that can breathe fire? I think I know what you're getting at here but I had this sudden image of sparks and smoke and ash.
Another thing, how do you exactly know what a witch's finger looks like? Sure it sounds cool but I think you're betting going off with another adjective. Try gnarled or distorted.
OMG. LOL. This is exactly kind of the conversations my friend. You know what actually; Maxxie reminds me of my friend in practically every way. Can you read my mind?
II. Plot/Arc:
Ooo, Maxxie is a bad boy! I just gotta say, I still love your third person thing you got going on. It's very entertaining and I was drawn to the end. Even you characters are well thought out, they fit the teenage persona of being roudy, misfits. Sion and Maxxie also reminded me of my friends. I was beginning to think that Sion and Maxxie were gonna start screaming and forcing every person they meet to do their 'lil hand shake. I did have one little problem though, but I think you've already formulated that. (Sorry about the big-people speak. I've just spent the last two hours doing a very, very large science report and I can tell you right now: I am very, very dead!)
You description. Do not worry, this happens to me so many times it isn't funny. My english teacher is always harping on about it, HARPING! "Don't use that word, it doesn't even make sense!" or "Is that even a word or did you just make it?" And in all honesty, I did make it up!
I just mentioning this as many good novels have gone down the drain with it. One particular novel was ridiculed the worst for having words that didn't fit the context that he wanted. Shadow God or something, look it up. Now, I am not saying that this will happen to you, as it hardly happens at all. I'm just warning you before you go all out and start making up words like I often do. "Ooo, that sounds like cool word lets places it in. Word Spell check doesn't agree, just add to dictionary!"
My statement still stands. This is a very good novel. One as good as JK Rowlings. You still got some way to go though and that's why you need to buy some hiking boots. But not the gay-looking ones because they just look...you know! But, I do think this has potential. My favourite like about this is the characters in general. The theme is a little cliche but the characters just spin that around and make it something fab and new. Especially Sion, he's awesome!
III. Overall:
Great, just great. This was a very interesting read and definitely kept me on the edge of my seat! I cannot wait for more and if you don't PM me when the next chapter is up I will have to kill you!
Good Work,
Cassa-de Review-ae.
Greetings, good sir-who's-actually-a-madam-but-whom-I-will-eternally-refer-to-as-sir!
This might just be me and my ever-evident ignorance, but when I read this I thought he only had one foot. >.< Then, when you mentioned his other one a little later on, I was confused (relieved, for his sake, but still confused). Anyhow, I recommend changing this to either "...stepped one foot..." or "...stepped one of his feet...."It looks like you've already gotten a lot of nitpicky criticism, so I will (once again) try not to be overly nit-picky so as to keep that part of my review to a modest minimum.
Firstly: Really? A minute? A whole minute? Exactly a minute? I suggest "moment;" it's much more ambiguous. (I know I said I wouldn't be nitpicky... but this is a pet peeve.)
Secondly, the tenses seem a bit off in this section, and I can't exactly put my finger on it... but I *think* it would be remedied if you changed that end bit to "would appreciate that answer," so that it matches with "what would he say."
Hm... I don't really see the purpose of this bit. Sure, it tells us what time it is, but it just feels a little... plopped in. Maybe if you made be his thoughts ("The sad thing about this is that it isn't even twelve o’ clock yet. Hardly late. Admittedly, it might be kind of late to be going outside, but it is way better than being cramped in my room all night.") it would be a little better? Or you could just get rid of it.
Why say this, but not tell us what he's muttering?
This sounds awkward to me... maybe try "Sion soon spotted him lifting his arm up into the air in recognition, a can of cider in his hand." Also, it may be an American thing, or it may just be a me thing (remember that ignorance I mentioned?) but when I hear "cider" I think of unfiltered apple juice with cinnamon and mace in it. Not that you should change it -- just thought I'd share my first impression.
That last part just sounds so stiff and awkward. I don't think its necessary.
It seems weird to me to take a sentence that isn't structured like a question and stick a question mark at the end of it?
I'm a little confused about the order of emotions here... he's relieved, then he's not, then he realizes the shopkeeper isn't looking? Wouldn't the fact that the shopkeeper isn't looking be what made him feel relieved in the first place? I'd think he would be relieved to see he hasn't actually been discovered, then not relieved when it sinks in to him that he has a ghost in his way. Maybe I'm missing something, but I find this very confusing. >.<
Repetition. ^.~ Okay, I really need to stop being this picky...
"Plead" is a verb. I think you mean "plea."
To be "fixated" by something is to be almost obsessively intrigued by something. I think you mean "fixed," which means to be placed or attached. You want his gaze to be fastened, not fascinated. ^.^ (Even I am blown away by my wit sometimes!)
------------------------
I loved this! It was so much fun to read that my little inner critic died or went to sleep or was in a coma or something and I read most of the piece hungrily and unjudgingly, like I was reading a novel I'd gotten out of the library. The part where the little girl appeared was great -- unexpected and suspenseful. I didn't see it coming at all, but when it came I loved it. I loved her! I wonder how long she has been dead. Anyway, I thought you did the tension between Maxxie and Liam. I think whatever you did since canislupis's review was excellent, because it doesn't feel like info-dumpage at all. It feels very realistic and... cinematic. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not (though I think it is) but so far I can easily imagine the novel as a film. Curious.
Anyway, I do agree that that Maxxie's whole situation is a little cliché. He's troubled because he has special powers nobody else understands, and he's in with a "bad" crowd, but he's not really a "bad" kid, and he doesn't really have any real friends. He forces himself to be tough because that's what he thinks he should do. A bit of a cliché beginning, don't you think? Now, I'm not saying you can't do something original with this (on the contrary -- I think you can!) but that doesn't change the fact that his character has been done before. While I'm on the issue of Maxxie, I'd like to mention the scene with his "friends." The writing in that part is very detached, very impersonal. It gives the impression that he doesn't really feel that close to any of them -- he just hangs out with them because that's what he thinks he should do. It doesn't feel like real friendship at all. Even Sion doesn't know him well enough to know that stealing the cider would be terrifying for him. This all might be intentional, but it just feels so formulaic. And so far, I'm not inclined to like any of the characters. Of course, that could change.
My biggest issue with this has to do with the girl. Yes, I loved her, and yes, she was a surprise, but once I figured out she was a ghost of some sort, the whole scene in the store was blatantly obvious. When the cider fell out of the bag, I knew instantly that she had done it -- of course she had done it! It was rather frustrating that Maxxie was so slow on the uptake. I hate it when I realize things before characters I'm reading about do, especially when (as in this case) I don't have any more information than they do. All I know is what I've "seen" through Maxxie's eyes, so why does he take so long to figure out what's going on when I can do so almost instantly?
Something that I think might help with this a little bit involves a pretty drastic change. You may hate it, and it may go completely against what you have in mind (in which case you should absolutely disregard it!) but it's something that actually came up to me before I even read this chapter. What if you got rid of the prologue? What if, rather than telling us right away that Maxxie has this strange power to see ghosts (and that it has something to do with his mother's death in giving birth to him), what if you let us figure it out via clues planted throughout the novel? Right now, when I realized only he could see the girl, I knew exactly that she was a ghost and he could see people like her since birth, blah blah, and it wasn't as intriguing because I already knew about it. I'm not sure this is a good idea (especially because that prologue was so darn cool!) but it's some food for thought, anyway.
Well, there we go... I've rambled on and on again, and cluttered up the thread with my random thoughts. I hope you can weed through this mess of opinion and find something helpful. As always, let me know if I was unclear about anything or whatever. ^.^
See ya next chapter!
a
Thanks for the reviews, guys! You have no idea how much they help.
@Tanya - I'm glad you're liking this so far. It's always great to hear your opinion because you read the previous version of this novel, and it's lovely to see how this one compares to that.
@Jai - The reason why Maxxie tried to ignore the girl will be explained within the next few chapters, as well as the other questions you had about the whole dead people thing. Hopefully, his reactions will make sense when I explain them.
His dad knows the shop owner. The guy in this chapter is just one of his employees. I think I'll probably explain that a bit more clearly in the next chapter, just to make sure that everyone understands.
if all goes to plan, you'll see a bit of that in the next chapter.
You have a good point there... I'm going to have to explain that one actually... I think I know what I'm going to do. With any luck, I will have explained it in the next chapter. That's going to be a bit of an explanation about dead people thing chapter, I think.
Ad finally! Don't worry about the lengthy review thing... That was a lengthy review! xD It was nice and helpful too, Jai. I'm glad that you like this, especially that you think it's better than A Shot of Arrogance. I was a bit miffed the other day because, well, I didn't think my writing was improving at all. I thought I'd reached how good I was ever going to be able to get. I'm glad you've noticed a difference.
@Lupis - I'm always worrying about being cliché, but hopefully, I'll be able to make this a bit more interesting and original. We'll see! I'm glad you think that I'm doing the whole 3rd person thing okay because it is quite a lot out of my comfort zone. I keep typing I by mistake when I'm writing it... xD
I think the reason I'm lacking a few vivid verbs and precise actions is actually because in some of my other writing, I've been told that I'm a little too specific. I probably had that in mind, and cut out a bit too many of them this time. Adverbs are my weakness, apparently... xD
Thanks for bringing up the info-dump about Maxxie and Liam thing. That was actually one of the things that I was worrying about because I hate info-dumps, so I was a little paranoid about that. I didn't edit it because I wasn't sure if I was just over thinking it, and it was all right. I've cut it down now though, so hopefully, it's a little better than it was before.
@whisperer - I was a little concerned about people not seeing the connection between this and the prologue actually. I think what I'm going to do is show hints of connections with the prologue as the chapters go on. I'm not 100% sure what's going to happen in the next chapter, but I have a bit of an idea. If I go along with that, you'll see a much bigger connection between the chapter and the prologue.
Hey there, Skins!
I'm here. 
Nitpicks:
- You seemed to really be having problems with the 3rd-person narration in these sentences. The first sentence seemed to fail while the one that followed was wrongly done. And, I think, you forgot to italize the 2nd sentence. I suggest editing them all.
- You had the same problem with the 3rd-person narration again here. Um, may I suggest you to change them into thoughts? For example: 'Why did I even think about that? I could have been on the ground by now.' I'm quite unsure with this suggestion, but definitely, you have to edit. xD
- The last part was wrongly done again.
- I think, you meant 'turning towards the street corner' or something like that.
- I'm not sure about this but I think it's wrong to use 'now' in a story that is written in past tense. Maybe, change it to 'at that moment'.
- I don't think it is right to spell it 'oi'. Maybe, 'oy' is more appropriate? Just maybe.
- That was redundant xD. I suggest you change the first 'called' to 'named'.
- Hyphenate 'middle' and 'aged'.
- Should be: 'shouting at his face'
- Hyphenate 'dark' and 'haired'
- You missed this one. 'Shopkeeper' is just one word. You accidentally put a space here. xD
- Since the 'stuff' were plural, I suppose the question should be in plural also.
- o.o This seems to be an unusual way to say someone's date of birth. Well, that's for me. xD
This chapter is interesting.
Keep writing!
- Whisperer -
Hi! I like this. A few nitpicks, first.
Generally closing one's eyes has the result of not being able to see.
How would only some of it smash?
Ok, so if he does this every week, then his earlier reactions are a bit extreme. Incidentally, I'm not sure I like the "one small slip-up, and I'm screwed". He already knows this; therefore, the only reason to say it is too tell us what's going on, which isn't a good thing. Why not show with his body language instead? You know, heart racing, ears pricked for sounds in the hallway, palms sweating. The lot.
I'm also not quite sure about the logistics of sliding down the side of the house... I just can't picture it. Anyway, onward!
Hmm, avoid showing characters beginning to do something--why not say "and strolled up the driveway." The "in his mind" bit is unnecessary--yes, this is 3rd person, but we kinda know who's head we're in already.
Do you ever think like this? I don't. The voice, on the other hand, is excellent. I love it. But it's also an info-drop and doesn't feel real. I'd suggest either saving this for later, or have him dwell on a specific conversation/experience, or imitate his dad. Your readers don't need to know everything--since we already know what happened at his birth, we assume his father will treat him differently. Since this is a novel, there's plenty of time to develop (SHOW) this later--for now, all we have to know is that he's escaping the house because of his father.
Comma after 'Maxxie' (yes, I am an obsessive nitpicker sometimes). Sion's dialogue--excellent. The only problem was how easily he gives up. ("If you say so") I think a bit more description of how they say each thing would be good, unless he's a total pushover. (The cider makes me think not.)
A quick note on description: you seem to have kind of a minimalist approach which I love--it loosens up the writing and keeps the story flowing. Too often pieces (especially long ones) get bogged down with purple prose and the like. The only problem with this (that I see) is that the scenes aren't quite as vivid as they could be. I'd remedy this with more vivd verbs and precise actions that SHOW what things look like (by taking advantage of the reader's imagination--we'll automatically assume something is a certain way by how you portray it.) rather than too many adjectives.
Not like this--too cursory. Just describe the steam or someone crossing their arms or zipping up their jackets further. With respect to the previous reviewer, I actually like it better the way it was before-- "Their branches stretching out like a witch's fingers" to avoid the passive form.
It wasn't predictable until you said that.
* love *
Ending was good. I liked the scene with his dad as well; that was well done. Overall, I like the way this is progressing--the characters are likeable, and I want to read more. It is a * bit * cliche, but then again, it could still go anywhere from here. The third person is good--dunno what you're all worried about.
About Maxxie and his Dad: There is a bit too much info-dropping. Like I said earlier, give your reader some credit--we'll figure it out. He's in a jail cell, so probably not taking the time to refect on his childhood and how his Dad might've been different once. If it was me, I'd just be ashamed or maybe upset that he was being so unsympathetic. The most I'd think about would be something like "He's always like this. He never...xxx" etc.
That said, I really liked this and I can't wait to read more!
Hope I helped a little bit.
Lupis
Hiya Skins :3 Here to review! Damn, I was hoping to review within an hour of the request, like last time, but your chapter is a little big to allow for that. I'll make up for it by reviewing as thoroughly as I can. Which could mean I might be here for a while
Maxxie? Hmm, that's an odd spelling that I don't think I've seen before. As I review while I read, I don't know his full name. Please tell me it's Maxamillion
I'm not quite sure about this, but maybe this would sound better if it was a thought. "One slip, one noise, oh man I'll be screwed". I say this because generally you wouldn't see "he'd be screwed" as a consequence of his actions, if you know what I mean.
Generally used to describe the ground inside a building. Maybe "garden bed" would be more realistic - the glass wouldn't shatter then.
Ahahaha lol.
When I read "strolling up", I think going back to the house. I don't know why.
"in his hand"
"Oi"
To avoid that, you could say, "Their branches stretched out like the crooked fingers of a witch."
Generally things these days have security chips of some sort embedded within them to set off alarms. Depending on the shop, of course. If a person, especially a child in the middle of the night visits a shop twice and doesn't buy anything, the person on duty would be watching very carefully (though I imagine that's what's going to happen anyway). In Australia nothing would be open at 12 except Seven Eleven and some alcohol stores.
Why would a young girl be awake at her father's shop at this time of night? Also, Max only picked up the pack. He hadn't put it into the bag or anything yet.
LOL! Omg! Nice one
Aw - here I was thinking it'd be his first time. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not. The reader is left behind - they're not experiencing everything when Max does. He can see dead people, and he doesn't care. In the past he's seen dead people and probably done nothing. If I could see dead people, I would try to do as much as I could to help them, or be obscenely rich/talented because I'd get them to help me in all my endeavours.
Didn't you say the shopkeeper knew his father?
?
Wouldn't he have noticed the change in weight?
I would have blamed it on the girl. The father might have reversed the charges if Max revealed he could talk to her.
I would have figured by now that a whole heap of ghosts would be following him, a little like the movie Ghost Town.
Anyway, this was a fantastic addition to your story. I really like where you're heading with this, Skins! It's really interesting. I just hope the little girl's story is really really really sad
I can't think of anything else to add, and that surprises me
Cheers,
Jai
Skinsy!
I'm heeeeeeeeeere!
Well, I don't know what all the fuss is about; I really enjoyed this chapter. Especially since I remember the last story so well, I see the difference between the two.
I noticed a few sentences that needed commas, but my mind is on the fritz, too tired to go over it all again. The story itself is much better. I like this little girl. Like Maxxie so far.
Can'T wait to read more!
Tanya