Young Writers Society

Good work! There are some typing errors in your writing though. Read it once again and I think you will be easily able to point them out.
It is catchy and I wonder where do you get these kind of ideas

Skins wrote:April 8th, 9:08
Wednesday
My bedroom

Great. I've just had some wonderful news from the almighty(otherwise known as my dad). We're not going anywhere on holiday this year. I swear that I must be cursed! I told him that not going on holiday effects my health because as I am a teenage girl, the rays from the sun creates brain cells which makes me more intelligent. He didn't buy it. Thanks to him, I now have to spend my whole summer doing nothing while my friends go on holiday and catch beautiful tans. I on the other hand will probably end up getting hunted by spiritualists. I'm pale enough as it is and not going on holiday means that I'm going to have to look like the undead for a whole year. I'm so lucky! Not. I kept on complaining that all of my friends were going on holiday but the almighty didn't care. I then told him that if I suffer from depression and end up killing myself, it would be his fault. I feel like killing myself living in this nut house. My brother has just stolen my perfume so I've got to go.


April 8th, 9:27

What I just wrote down is the perfect example of the happenings of a nut house. What sixteen year old boy wears his sisters Vanilla Essence spray?! I have a theory that he might be gay.
1)#FF00FF ">spaceHe wears my perfume(enough said).
2)#FF00FF ">spaceWhen he sees his friend Luke, he calls him his boyfriend.
3)#FF00FF ">spaceHe spends over an hour straightening his hair.
4)#FF00FF ">spaceHe is the most sensitive boy I have ever met.
I could think of something like twenty more but I haven't got all day. Excuse me while I go and write my suicide note. The almighty will be sorry!


Still April 8th, 9:31

I can't find a pen to do my suicide note. I've got a tissue but I don't think that could really come in handy. The almighty will have to wait. I wonder what my funeral would be like. I wouldn't want everyone wearing black because that would be so depressing. I could have a themed one! Everyone could dress up as Disney characters! My brother would probably come as Tinkerbell because he is such a girl. I wonder who would come to my funeral though. Sophie, Claire and Sarah probably would. My friends can get on my nerves sometimes though, especially Claire. She can't seem to understand that there is more to life than gummy bears. I like gummy bears but there is no word in the English dictionary to describe Claire's unhealthy obsession with gummy bears. What was I talking about? Oh ye! I doubt my neighbour, Mrs,Morris, would come and if she did she would come with her evil, deranged cat. It's more like a lion, though(it's as fat as one anyway). If that thing would go, I'd have to make sue that animal comtrol were there as well.

9:33

Wow. I sound so morbid.


10:15

Listen! I've written a poem about my sad life!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've just gotten depressing news from my dad
It makes me cry, it makes me sad
Now I'm going to look like a ghost for eternity
My brother wears my perfume, if only he could see
That he is a gay boy and also a freak!
I could win a Nobel prize for that


10:18

Okay, I probably couldn't...

Wow... i really salute you for that wonderful work of yours. I just have received your comment on one of my piece.. and we have the same concept of story.... a DIARY!! ahahahah! I learned so much! I should've been more descriptive about using the character in my story.

Good job and Keep it up, White!

I liked this alot, very comical in a melodramatic way (to me at least). But that's not at all a bad thing. I found the "gay" brother character to be interesting and could be used for more comical situations. Good job overall.

Hi,
Good job on this story. Very cute, very catchy. I can defiantly see it on shelves of a bookstore some day!

So onto the review:
All my edits, comments and concerns will be in bold.

April 8th, 9:08

Wednesday

My bedroom

Great. I've just had some wonderful news from the "almighty",otherwise known as my dad. We're not going anywhere on holiday this year. I swear that I must be cursed! I told him that not going on holiday effects my health because as I am a teenage girl, the rays from the sun creates brain cells which makes me more intelligent.- Love this line, it is priceless! He didn't buy it. Thanks to him, I now have to spend my whole summer doing nothing while my friends go on holiday and catch beautiful tans. I on the other hand will probably end up getting hunted by spiritualists. I'm pale enough as it is and not going on holiday means that I'm going to have to look like the undead for a whole year. I'm so lucky! Not! I kept on complaining that all of my friends were going on holiday but the "almighty" didn't care. I then told him that if I suffer from depression and end up killing myself, it would be his fault. I feel like killing myself living in this nut house. My brother has just stolen my perfume so I've got to go.

April 8th, 9:27

What I just wrote down is the perfect example of the happenings of a nut house. What sixteen year old boy wears his sisters Vanilla Essence spray?! I have a theory that he might be gay.

1)He wears my perfume(enough said).

2)When he sees his friend Luke, he calls him his boyfriend.

3)He spends over an hour straightening his hair.

4)He is the most sensitive boy I have ever met.

I could think of something like twenty more but I haven't got all day. Excuse me while I go and write my suicide note. The almighty will be sorry!

Still April 8th, 9:31

I can't find a pen to do my suicide note. I've got a tissue but I don't think that could really come in handy. The almighty will have to wait. I wonder what my funeral would be like. I wouldn't want everyone wearing black because that would be so depressing. I could have a themed one! Everyone could dress up as Disney characters! My brother would probably come as Tinkerbell because he is such a girl. I wonder who would come to my funeral though. Sophie, Claire and Sarah probably would. My friends can get on my nerves sometimes though, especially Claire. She can't seem to understand that there is more to life than gummy bears.- This seems too much like "The Clique" to me. Maybe try changing it to something else, like lip-gloss, or boys. I like gummy bears but there is no word in the English dictionary to describe Claire's unhealthy obsession with gummy bears. What was I talking about? Oh yeah! I doubt my neighbor, Mrs. Morris, would come and if she did she would come with her evil, deranged cat. It's more like a lion, though, it's as fat as one anyway- Try to refrain from using brackets, it comes off as child-like. If that thing would go, I'd have to make sue that animal control were there as well.

9:33

Wow. I sound so morbid.

10:15

Listen! I've written a poem about my sad life!

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I've just gotten depressing news from my dad

It makes me cry, it makes me sad

Now I'm going to look like a ghost for eternity

My brother wears my perfume, if only he could see

That he is a gay boy and also a freak!

I could win a Nobel prize for that

10:18

Okay, I probably couldn't...

Well, I won't really say anything anyone else hasn't already said....

But yeah, I thought this story was funny and cute.
I liked how the narrator was over dramatic about not going on vacation and says she will commit suicide!

One thing, is she writing this in a journal or typing this on her computer?

Anyways, good work. I hope to read more

Hey Megan =]

I really enjoyed reading this. Your MC seems very witty and this made the piece fun to read. It kind of reminded me of The Georgia Nicholson Series by Louise Rennison. Though I'd have to say that I actually liked your version more. She uses situations that are way too unrealistic, but in your piece, I could really imagine the things you MC talks about, happening.

I loved how she referred to her Dad as 'The almighty.' I sometimes fell like that about my Dad - it's annoying how his word is always final.

Anyways, I couldn't find anything else to nit-pik about, that others haven't already pointed out to you.

I would really be interested in reading the next part to this, so if you post it, could you please PM me?

Great job!

xDudettex

I thought this was cute! I am an awful nit-picker to I shall just offer a critique. First off I liked how you explained to us your situation in the first paragraph and it is written in a very true to how the teen writes kind of way. Just in my opinion though I thought you used the word 'holiday' a bit to much. Besides that it was great. People have stolen all the good critiques. Now onto her brother. I liked how to kept the use of the word gay to a minimum, and you didnt make it seem like an awful nasty thing to be. I am wicked sensitive to how every seems to use gay as a slur and insult (and just about every one does) and I think you did a pretty good job of navigating away from a touchy subject. Nice piece! Cant wait to read more.
-Tabitha Lillian

Very funny piece. I like the language and the apparent overdramatization of the events. This girl really knows how to exaggerate small events, which makes the character funny and the story very lively.

I do have one or two pointers that haven't been mentioned yet. Call them suggestions.

I then told him that if I suffer from depression and end up killing myself, it would be his fault. I feel like killing myself living in this nut house.

I can't find any paper to do my suicide note.

I doubt my neighbour, Mrs,Morris, would come and if she did she would come with her evil, deranged cat. It's more like a lion though really(it's as fat as one anyway).

Hiya, White! Music here.


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

I told him that not going on holiday effects my health because as I am a teenage girl, the rays from the sun create[s]s[/s](<---Subject-verb agreement, my darling.) brain cells which makes me more intelligent.

Thanks to him, I now have to spend my whole summer doing nothing while my friends go on holiday and catch beautiful tans.(<---You can catch a tan? ) I, on the other hand, will probably end up getting hunted by spiritualists. I'm pale enough as it is and not going on holiday means that I'm going to have to look like the undead for a whole year. I'm so lucky!(<--- Re-phrase this to make the sarcasm more apparent; I didn't catch it the first time through.)

What sixteen year old boy wears his sister's Vanilla Essence spray?! I have a theory that he might be gay.
1)He wears my perfume(enough said)
2)When he sees his friend Luke, he calls him his boyfriend
3)He spends over an hour straightening his hair
4)He is the most sensitive boy I have ever met
Nice reasons, but punctuate at the end, perhaps?

I can't find any paper to do my suicide note. (<---If she has no paper, then how is she writing a journal entry? )

Oh yeah! I doubt my neighbour, Mrs[s],[/s]. Morris, would come, and if she did, she would come with her evil, deranged cat. It's more like a lion, though [s]really[/s](it's as fat as one anyway).

Okay, I probably couldn't...(<---Cute ending. )

You mainly messed up with punctuating after the end of sentences and with compound sentences. You're improving, though!

I've got a say, this was a very catchy piece. I didn't spot any glaring grammar errors but then again, grammar isn't my strong suit so what am I saying, right.

Still, this has a very realistic tone. I've known so many girls in my life that can look at every tiny occurrence as if it could be the end of the world. And I think that you've definitely captured this very melodramatic tendency.

Still April 8th, 9:31


I can't find any paper to do my suicide note. The almighty will have to wait. I wonder what my funeral would be like. I wouldn't want everyone wearing black because that would be so depressing. I could have a themed one! Everyone could dress up as Disney characters! My brother would probably come as Tinkerbell because he is such a girl. I wonder who would come to my funeral though. Sophie, Claire and Sarah probably would. My friends can get on my nerves sometimes though, especially Claire. She can't seem to understand that there is more to life than gummy bears. I like gummy bears but there is no word in the English dictionary to describe Claire's unhealthy obsession with gummy bears. What was I talking about? Oh ye! I doubt my neighbour, Mrs,Morris, would come and if she did she would come with her evil, deranged cat. It's more like a lion though really(it's as fat as one anyway).


9:33


Wow. I sound so morbid.



10:15


Listen! I've written a poem about my sad life!

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I've just gotten depressing news from my dad

It makes me cry, it makes me sad

Now I'm going to look like a ghost for eternity

My brother wears my perfume, if only he could see

That he is a gay boy and also a freak!

I could win a Nobel prize for that



10:18


Okay, I probably couldn't...