A Shot of Arrogance ~ Chapter One
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Laid out in front of me was a huge pile of sliced beef and an uncomfortably large dump of mash potato. A mountain of colourful vegetables including carrots, leeks, spinach and green beans were placed before me. It was as though a soggy firework of crippled vegetables had blown up on my plate. The river of dark brown gravy that had been poured all over the food only made it look damp and soggy.
I really wasn't in the mood for food right now, there were too many things on my mind. My obsessive parents were hardly making me feel better either. Not to my surprise, they were lecturing me on what had happened an hour or so earlier. Thinking back, I couldn't help but let out a groan as I jabbed my fork into the dark brown slab of beef.
It was over an hour ago. I was frustratingly rubbing my head, Alexander O'Leary staring at me with his small, brown eyes. The next time I'd hear the word marriage, I would scream until my lungs gave way.
"Come on, Victoria." He crossed him arms. "You need this, it's obvious you do. I need this."
I sighed heavily as he continued his plead. Did he actually expect me to be excited and eager right now? He hadn't bought me a new puppy, he was asking me to marry him.
“You have ten seconds to leave," I shrugged, "one... two... three... four..."
Muttering something rather rude under his breath, Alexander stood up. As he headed towards my bedroom door, he glanced back at me. "The other guys were right, you're a bitch."
I smiled sarcastically as he slammed the door behind him. That was him gone.
I let out a long, heavy sigh. Alexander had been my father’s latest suggestion for a husband; he had also been the worst so far. He may have been the richest of all the men, but he was the most annoying guy I'd ever met. His hair was a rusted brown colour and he more or less had a small hole instead of a nose.
Alexander was the third man I'd met, and out of all of the three, he was the worst. I glanced at my feet. Why was finding a half decent guy so hard? They were plastered all over the movies, why couldn't I actually meet one in real life?
Returning my mind back to present time, I shoved the memory of my meeting with Alexander out of my head. I hated to admit something so selfish, but I was beginning to feel sorry for myself. Leaning back in my chair, I cut another piece of beef and lifted my fork into my mouth.
“Your mother and I are, quite frankly, offended by the way you’re behaving,” my father began, causing me to look up at him. “You need to find a husband urgently and you know that. I've explained this to you a thousand times. If you marry by the end of November, the estate will be yours, not Joseph's.”
Dropping my fork onto my plate, I glared at my father. “Dad, this isn’t the middle ages! Most girls my age are stressed about going to college, not finding a husband!” My voice raised an octave as the last word left my lips.
My father simply shook his head, ignoring the way I felt completely. Gritting his teeth, he ran his hand through his light hair. He knew that I didn’t want this, and he knew that I wasn’t ready to be married. He was too obsessed with keeping all of his money to care about what I wanted.
Silence took over after that. There was the odd grumble by my father and the sound of clattering cutlery every few minutes, but it certainly didn't make the atmosphere of the room any more comfortable. I hated spending time with my parents because all I ever did was argue with them. With my food more or less untouched, I excused myself from the table as relief spread through my body like a comforting rash.
“Stupid parents,” I mumbled to myself, running up the stairs. “All that they care about is money and their perfect little reputations.” I opened my bedroom door. “I'm seventeen, for Christ's sake! I mean, how barbaric can you get? If they’re that bothered about it then why don’t they just have another kid? There we go, problem so-”
Surprised and slightly confused, I shot my head up. Lying on my bed was a young, light haired boy wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a battered t-shirt. On his feet he wore an equally dirty pair of Converse shoes. He was grinning from ear to ear.
“Who on earth are you?” I stared at him angrily, not moving an inch from my doorway.
The boy simply started to laugh, his eyes glistening with amusement. At first, I thought that he might have been another one of my father’s husband ‘suggestions’ but that thought didn’t last long. I only needed to look at him to realise that wasn’t the case. His clothes looked as though they hadn’t been washed. Ever. His sandy blonde hair was incredibly messy and there was something about his cocky smile that didn't really scream sophistication.
Without giving it another thought, I screamed for Ella, my childhood nanny. I couldn't leave my room; who knew what he could do in there? I'd caught him now and I wasn't letting him go anywhere. There was no way I was going to let some idiot break into my house. There were going to be some serious consequences.
“Whoa! Chill out!” The boy quickly sat up and looked at me, causing me to jump slightly. “I ain’t gonna bloomin’ kill you! Well... as long as I like you, I ain’t.”
Whether he was joking or not, I had no idea, and that thought worried me. I quickly glanced into the hallway behind me. Where was Ella? I kept my feet glued on the same spot, afraid of what the boy might do. My heart was hastily beating, making me want to turn and run.
Mentally kicking myself, I forced myself to stay where I was. Don't be silly, I thought to myself, There must be a reasonable explanation for this. Keeping my eyes on the boy, I screamed for Ella again.
“Seriously Victoria, I’m goin’ deaf ‘ere.” He stood up and headed towards me.
For the third time, I yelled Ella's name. Where in the world was she? Normally, I’d call her and she’d be here within a matter of seconds. I didn't turn away from the boy, not for a millisecond.
Rolling his eyes, he stood a good couple of feet away from where I was standing. Oh God, he was getting closer to me. This was a bad idea. A really bad idea. I was about to make a run for it when the boy opened his mouth again.
“I’m Ollie Poynter,” he said before clicking his tongue. “Well, Oliver technically, but yeah. Just call me Ollie. It's easier.”
My eyes were glued onto his face. He had some weird, perfectly casual grin on it. I'd completely forgotten about running away now; I was too bewildered of the fact that there was some random, scruffy teenage boy in my bedroom talking to me. He was acting as if it was completely normal.
Oliver clearly noticed the confusion and frustration in my face. Unsurprisingly, he began laughing. Again. I gritted my teeth. I could really do with Ella turning up now.
“Don’t worry, I ain’t ‘ere to hurt you. I’m ‘ere to work.” Oliver grinned, his dark green eyes scanning my room. “I know this house is big and all, but seriously? Your room is like the size of my entire flat. Mind you, my flat ain’t that big. It ain’t really small though, I’ve been in smaller ones.” He started laughing. “Right, there’s this one guy who lives in his flat with, like, twenty three cats. His name’s Jeff! How weirdly normal is that? Jeff’s such a common name, but if you think about it, you never actually meet anyone called Jeff. Well, except for the mad cat guy I know...”
I gaped at Oliver, aware of the fact that there was a bizarre expression on my face. What the hell was he on about? Why was he even talking to me? I wasn't afraid anymore. He was acting like a ten year old.
Still talking, Oliver began casually strolling around my room. Although I had no idea who he was, I didn't feel unsafe around him. The only thing I was worried about was his mental health. He had begun to talk about fruit or something as he ran his fingers along the screen of my computer. That was it.
“Ella!” I screamed my head off, “Ella!”
"Victoria? What in God’s name is wrong?” Ella suddenly came rushing into the room.
“Him!” I complained, pointing at Oliver, who’d finally shut up.
Ella then turned to him. Looking back at her, Oliver smiled as a pair of small dimples grew on his cheeks. I swore I was going to kill him.
As Ella turned her attention to Oliver, she shook her head and crossed her arms. Although I couldn’t help but notice her forcing a smile off her face.
“She has some serious anger issues!” Oliver jumped onto my bed. “No wonder no one wants to marry her. She’d probably domestically abuse any guy tha’ gets within five yards of her. It's like call of the banshee around her.”
Ella tried – and failed – not to laugh. Some obnoxious, dirty boy had just insulted me and Ella had laughed...
Noticing my bitter expression, she immediately stopped chuckling. Oliver clearly didn’t care about my feelings though; he continued grinning happily.
“Sorry Victoria,” Ella said before turning to Oliver. “Ollie, I thought I told you not to be so... what’s the word? Enthusiastic? Oh, and get off the bed please.”
“You know him?” I almost yelped.
“You bet!” Oliver said, getting off my bed. He’d left an untidy pile of creases where he had been sitting. “Ella and me are like this.” He crossed his fingers and winked at me.
Completely ignoring Oliver’s comment, all of my thoughts were on Ella. I looked at her, my eyes begging for an explanation.
“I’m friends with his mother,” Ella laughed. “Your parents hired him to be your assistant now that you're looking for a husband. He’s not doing a very good job of it though, so far.”
“Sorry Vic...” Oliver paused as another annoying grin grew on his face. “I mean, Miss Kingston.”
No way was I going to let this weirdo be my “assistant”. Why I needed an assistant in the first place was beyond me. I was perfectly capable of doing things on my own. Knowing my parents, they'd probably just hired him to keep an eye on me, to make sure that I was actually trying to find a decent man.
Taking a mint from the bowl on my bedside cabinet, Oliver threw it into his mouth. At least his breath didn’t smell. Thankfully, the rest of him didn’t either, which actually surprised me. He was dressed like a tramp, after all.
Eventually, I managed to get Oliver out of my room. That was the second boy I'd kicked out today, and the fourth one I'd kicked out within the past two months. By the sound of it though, Oliver was going to come back. Judging by what Ella said, it was impossible for me to encourage my parents that I didn't need an assistant.
I’d known Ella for as long as I could remember. I had only just been born when I first saw her long, ash blonde hair that was always tied into a perfect bun. She never really needed to smile; her deep brown eyes did that for her. Her skin was a lot more sagged now than it used to be, and her voice sometimes shook when she spoke. The creases on her face didn’t symbolise old age to me though - they symbolised wisdom.
Ella had taken care of me of a lot more than my own mother had. It wasn’t that I never saw my mother, I just didn’t spend time with her. She was too busy looking after my father and the house. There were hallways and hallways full of different rooms in it. Expensive paintings hung on the old walls and exotic plants surrounded every corner of the building. It was almost like a grand maze, so keeping it clean took a lot of effort.
I collapsed onto my bed as I gently shut my eyes. There was a cool, refreshing breeze coming from the window. I could hear a few birds chirping outside, momentarily relaxing me until a strong wind blew into my room, flaring my curtains upward. A sharp shiver ran through my body as the gust of wind entered my room. My eyes quickly opened again.
“You can’t keep pushing away every man you meet, Victoria,” a gentle voice spoke.
I raised my eyes to see Ella sitting beside me. She looked far from impressed. Ella and I both knew that she was right, I just didn’t want to admit it.
“Come on, Ella,” I complained, crossing my arms. “Have you seen some of the men my father has found? That Daniel guy who I met a few months ago was almost twice my age! Plus, he was really creepy.”
As I spoke, a sweet smile grew on Ella’s face. She couldn't help but be amused by my comment. Rubbing her hands on her pinafore, she took her shoes off and crossed her legs.
Ella signalled for me to sit up and I did exactly that. Oh, how I despised marriage talk. I anxiously began rubbing my hands. Why couldn’t I just pick a husband? The men my father had shown me hadn’t been that bad. If only things could be simpler.
I dropped my head into my hands. I didn't want any of that, that's why everything felt so compicated. I was seventeen, for God's sake. I didn't want to feel as though I had to find someone to marry within the next year. I didn't want to marry someone because of the fears of my father. I wanted to fall in love.
Ella's small hand was placed gently on my knee. Even though she wasn't really my nanny anymore, Ella truly did feel like a good friend. She was the only one who seemed to be on my side nowadays.
“Look, I know that you’re not too keen on this whole marriage thing,” Ella began, “but you know as well as I do, Victoria, that your family needs this. You marrying a wealthy man within the next year would erase any worries of your parents losing your family’s entire estate.”
I hated it when Ella was right, especially when she made me feel guilty. I didn’t want to get married. I wanted to go out and have fun with friends, break up and make up with lots of guys, go to a college, enjoy the freedom of being a young woman. I wanted to live my life, to be a normal seventeen year old girl. Was that too much to ask?
Since the day I entered the world, I never had a chance of being normal. I didn't have a choice. I was born into the Kingston family; one of the richest families in England. Or at least they were at the time, but times had changed since then. Nobody except for my family knew this, but if things were to carry on as they were, our money would soon run out.
My father had stupidly lied to my mother, telling her that the family business was fine for the past five years. She would often ask him why he hesitated when he brought his wallet out, but he'd respond by mumbling something about her being paranoid. Soon enough, my father's lies ran dry and both my mother and I realised that the family business was, in fact, struggling. After five years, we noticed how bad things really were.
There was one more problem though, a bigger one. Joseph Kingston. Joseph Kingston, as much as I hated to say it, was my cousin. Although he was merely three months older than I, those three months made a huge difference. They were the reason I was not eligible to my family's estate and Joseph was. After my grandfather had died two years ago, the first grandchild to turn eighteen would get absolutely everything. Mine and Joseph’s family had never gotten along and they wanted nothing more than to steal everything we owned.
Lifting my head back out of my palms, I looked back up at Ella. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room. The sound of the wind blowing through my window was the only minor distraction. I couldn't look at Ella, not directly. Instead, my eyes were fixated on my Apple Mac computer that was placed on a large, pine desk in the corner of my room.
After sitting silently for a minute or so, Ella finally gave up on receiving a response from me. She gently removed her hand from my knee.
“Just... just try and be more open minded, okay?”
“Okay,” I lied.
Ella was just about to leave my room when she turned around and smiled softly at me. "One more thing," she said, "can you at least try and get along with Ollie? I understand that he can be a bit frustrating to be around sometimes, but he's a really good kid. Trust me on that one, Victoria." She shrugged. "Besides, you might have something in common."
I noticed a slight shimmer in her eyes. It felt as though the words that had come out of her mouth had frozen time for a few seconds. It was as if Ella was trying to tell me something, something she herself was unsure of.
I nodded my head slowly, not even thinking about speaking. The words Ella had just spoken lingered in my head as she quietly closed the door behind her. There was nothing but uncertainty left in the back of my mind.
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140,788 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
So, here are my general impressions:
You need more background information. it comes across as a bit odd to the reader to find themselves hurled into the plot line...especially because it is a bit odd.
The dialogue seems awkward, unrealistic....maybe you could focus on how you want to write it and stick to one style.
Also the plot...well, the writing makes it work because I understand, but it is unrealistic. Maybe make it more current day ish???
Your fellow bibliophile,
Booky
Hi, Skins! Finally, got the time to review this. I didn't want to just wooooosh reading, if you know what I mean. LOL
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]A Shot of Arrogance ~ Chapter One
Nice pic by the way.
Spoiler
On the plate in front of me was a huge pile of sliced beef and an uncomfortably large dump of mash potato. A mountain of colourful vegetables including carrots, leeks, spinach and green beans were placed before me. It was as though a firework had blown up on my plate. The river of dark brown gravy that had been poured all over the food made it look even worse.
First paragraphs just gets me. :O I just love how this paragraph is written. Haha! I can picture the plate of food. LOL
I really wasn't in the mood for food right now, there were too many things on my mind. My obsessive parents were hardly making me feel better either. Not to my surprise, they were lecturing me on what had happened an hour or so earlier. Thinking back, I couldn't help but let out a groan as I jabbed my fork into the dark brown slab of beef.
As I frustratedly rubbed my head, Alexander O'Leary stared at me with his small, brown eyes. The next time I'd hear the word marriage, I would scream until my lungs gave way.
"Come on, Victoria," he crossed him arms, "you need this, it's obvious you do. I need this."
I sighed heavily as he continued his plead. Did he actually expect me to be excited and eager right now? He hadn't bought me a new puppy, he was asking me to marry him.
“You have ten seconds to leave," I shrugged, "one... two... three... four..."
Muttering something rather rude under his breath, Alexander stood up. As he headed towards my bedroom door, he glanced back at me. "Bitch."
This is kind of a confusing part. I had to read it twice before ending up with this conclusion:
This was your MC's contemplation? She was eating, then she remembered this? 'Coz I couldn't just picture this as what is really going on. Why would she be eating in her bedroom? With her parents reprimanding her, and a guy asking her for marriage? Quite confusing.
I smiled sarcastically as he slammed the door behind him. That was him gone.
The second my bedroom door closed, I let out a long, frustrated sigh. Alexander had been my father’s latest suggestion for a husband; he had also been the worst so far. He may have been the richest of all the men, but he was the most annoying guy I'd ever met. His hair was a rusted brown colour I think it's better if you rewrite this: "Plus, he had a small, pig-like nose which doesn't suit his rusted brown hair color.and he had a small, pig-like nose. That was just a suggestion. You go pick however you want to re-write it. The description of her hair color just feels a little abrupt.
I was beginning to get annoyed with myself now. Alexander was the third man I'd met and out of all of the three, he was the worst. Why did finding a half decent guy so hard? They were plastered all over the movies, why couldn't I actually meet one in real life?
Returning my mind back to present time, I shoved the memory of my meeting with Alexander out of my head. I hated to admit something so selfish, but I was beginning to slowly feel sorry for myself. Leaning back in my chair, I cut another piece of beef and lifted my fork into my mouth. There, now I know it was a memory. So, as I said, try to smooth out the previous events.
“Your mother and I are, quite frankly, offended by the way you’re behaving.” My father began, causing me to look up at him. “You need to find a husband urgently and you know that. I've explained this to you a thousand times. If you marry, preferably someone wealthy, by the end of November, the estate will be yours, not Joseph's.”
Dropping my fork onto my plate, I glared at my father. “Dad, this isn’t the middle ages! Most girls my age are stressed about going to college, not finding a husband!” My voice raised an octave as the last word left my lips.
My father simply sighed heavily, ignoring the way I felt completely. Gritting his teeth, he ran his hand through his light hair. He knew that I didn’t want this, and he knew that I wasn’t ready to be married. He was too obsessed with keeping all of his money to care about what I wanted.
I feel so sorry for her.
Silence took over after that. There was the odd grumble by my father and the sound of clattering cutlery every few minutes, but it certainly didn't make the atmosphere of the room any more comfortable. The second I excused myself from the large, wooden table, relief swept through my body. I hated spending time with my parents,This should be a semicolon all I ever did was argue with them. With my food more or less untouched, I excused myself from the table.
“Stupid parents,” I mumbled to myself, running up the stairs. “All that they care about is money and their perfect little reputations.” I opened my bedroom door. “I'm seventeen for Christ's sake! I mean, how barbaric can you get? If they’re that bothered about it then why don’t they just have another kid? There we go, problem so-”
Surprised and slightly confused, I shot my head up. Lying on my bed was a young, light haired boy wearing a pair of ripped jeans and a battered navy hoodie. He was grinning from ear to ear.
“Who on earth are you?” I stared at him angrily, not moving an inch from my doorway.
The boy simply started to laugh, his eyes glistening with amusement. At first, I thought that he might have been another one of my father’s husband ‘suggestions’ but that thought didn’t last long. I only needed to look at him to realise that wasn’t the case. His clothes looked as though they hadn’t been washed. Ever. His sandy blonde hair was incredibly messy and on his feet he wore a pair of old, battered converse shoes.
MAN! I used "tattered converse shoes" in one of my novels LOL Do people really think of that?
You should check it out!
Without giving it another thought, I screamed for Ella, my nanny. I couldn't leave my room,Period. who knew what he could do in there? I'd caught him now and I wasn't letting him go anywhere. There was no way I was going to let some idiot break into my house. There were going to be some serious consequences.
“Whoa! Chill out!” tCapitalizehe boy quickly sat up and looked at me, causing me to jump slightly. “I ain’t gonna bloomin’ kill you! Well... as long as I like you, I won’t.”
I was pretty sure that he was joking, but I still felt horribly uncomfortable. I quickly glanced into the hallway behind me. Where was Ella? I kept my feet glued in the same spot, afraid of what the boy might do. My heart was hastily beating, making me want to turn and run.
Mentally kicking myself, I forced myself to stay where I was. Don't be silly, I thought to myself, There must be a reasonable explanation for this. Even if there was a reasonable explanation, I was still freaked out. Keeping my eyes on the boy, I screamed for Ella.
“Seriously Victoria, I’m goin’ deaf here.” He stood up and headed towards me.
Once again, I yelled Ella's name. Where in the world was she? Normally, I’d call her and she’d be here within a matter of seconds. I didn't take my eyes off the boy, not for one moment.
Rolling his eyes, the boy stood a good couple of feet away from where I was standing. Oh God, he was getting closer to me. This was a bad idea. A really bad idea. I was about to make a run for it when the boy opened his mouth again.
“I’m Ollie Poynter,” don't use "he smiled" to replace verbs for expressing talking. Put a period there and start of with a capitalized "h".
My eyes were glued onto his face. He had some weird, perfectly casual grin on it. I'd completely forgotten about running away now, I was too bewildered of the fact that there was some random, scruffy teenage boy in my bedroom,excess comma, delete. talking to me. He was acting as if it was completely normal.
Oliver clearly noticed the confusion and frustration in my face. Unsurprisingly, he began laughing again. I gritted my teeth. I could really do with Ella turning up now.
“Don’t worry, I ain’t here to hurt you. I’m here to work.” Oliver grinned, his dark green eyes scanning my room. “I know this house is big and all, but seriously? Your room is like the size of my entire flat. Mind you, my flat ain’t that big. It ain’t really small though, I’ve been in smaller ones.” He started laughing. “Right, there’s this one guy who lives in his flat with, like, twenty three cats. His name’s Jeff! How weirdly normal is that? Jeff’s such a common name, but if you think about it, you never actually meet anyone called Jeff. Well, except for the mad cat guy I know.”
I gaped at Oliver, aware of the fact that there was a bizarre expression on my face. What the hell was he on about? Why was he even talking to me? I wasn't afraid anymore, I was just completely baffled. He was acting like a ten year old.
Still talking, Oliver began casually strolling around my room. Although I had no idea whatsoever whoThat was redundant; delete whatsoever. he was, I didn't feel unsafe around him. The only thing I was worried about was his mental health. He had begun to talk about fruit or something as he ran his fingers along the screen of my computer. That was it.
Wow, a random guy.
“Ella!” I screamed my head off. “Ella!”
"Victoria? What in God’s name is wrong?” Ella suddenly came rushing into the room.
There, Victoria.
“Him!” I complained, pointing at Oliver, who’d finally shut up.
Ella then turned at him. Looking back at her, Oliver smiled as a pair of small dimples grew on his cheeks. I swore I was going to kill him.
As Ella turned her attention to Oliver, she shook her head and sighed heavily. Although I couldn’t help but notice her forcing a smile off her face.
“She has some serious anger issues!” Oliver jumped onto my bed. “No wonder no one will marry her. She’d probably domestically abuse any guy that gets within five yards of her. Plus, she screams like a banshee.”
Ok, it's official. I'm totally into Ollie.
Ella tried – and failed – not to laugh. Some obnoxious, dirty boy had just insulted me and Ella had laughed...
Noticing my bitter expression, she immediately stopped chuckling. Oliver clearly didn’t care about my feelings though; he continued grinning happily.
“Sorry Victoria,” Ella said before turning to Oliver. “Ollie, I thought I told you not to be so... what’s the word? Enthusiastic? Oh, and get off the bed please.”
I turned to Ella, shocked. “You know him?” As I spoke, my voice seemed to go three octaves higher. Exaggeration! HAHA!
“You bet!” Oliver said, getting off my bed. He’d left an untidy pile of creases where he’dContractions are sometimes distracting, like in this case. Please just say "he had". been sitting. “Ella and me are like this.” He crossed his fingers and winked at me.
LOOOOOOOOL
Completely ignoring Oliver’s comment, my attention remained on Ella. I looked at her, my eyes begging for an explanation.
“I’m friends with his mother,” Ella laughed. “Your parents hired him to be your assistant now that you're looking for a husband, although he’s not doing a very good job of it.”
“Sorry Vic...” Oliver paused as another annoying grin grew on his face. “I mean, Miss Kingston.”
No way was I going to let this weirdo be my ‘assistant’I think those apostrophes should be turned to quotation marks. It's in a narrative paragraph, not in a direct speech.. Why I needed an assistant in the first place was beyond me. I was perfectly capable of doing things on my own. Knowing my parents, they'd probably just hired him to keep an eye on me, to make sure that I was actually trying to find a decent bloke.
Taking a mint from the bowl on my bedside cabinet, Oliver threw it into his mouth. At least his breath didn’t smell. Thankfully, the rest of him didn’t either, which actually surprised me. He was dressed like a tramp, delete commaafter all.
Eventually, I managed to get Oliver out of my room. That was the second boy I'd kicked out today, and the fourth one I'd kicked out within the past two months. By the sound of it though, Oliver was going to come back. Judging by what Ella said, it was impossible for me to encourage my parents that I didn't need an assistant.
I’d known Ella for as long as I could remember. I had only just been born when I first saw her long, ash blonde hair that was always tied into a perfect bun. She never really needed to smile, her deep brown eyes did that for her. Her skin was a lot more sagged now thatthan it used to becomma here and her voice sometimes shook when she spoke. The creases on her face did not symbolise old age to me though - they symbolised wisdom.
Ella had taken care of me of a lot more than my own mother had. It wasn’t that I never saw my mother, I just didn’t spend time with her. She was too busy looking after my father and the house. There were hallways and hallways full of different rooms in it. Expensive paintings hung on the old walls and exotic plants surrounded every corner of the building. It was almost like a grand maze.
I collapsed onto my bed as Ella sat herself next to me and gently shut my eyes. There was a cool, refreshing breeze coming from the window. I could hear a few birds chirping outside, momentarily relaxing me until a strong wind blew into my room, flaring my curtains upward. A sharp shiver ran through my body as the gust of wind entered my room. My eyes quickly opened again.
“You can’t keep pushing away every man you meet, Victoria,” a gentle voice spoke.
I raised my eyes to see Ella looking at me. She looked far from impressed. Ella and I both knew that she was right, I just didn’t want to admit it.
“Come on, Ella,” I complained, crossing my arms. “Have you seen some of the men my father has found? That Daniel guy who I met a few months ago was almost twice my age! Plus, he was really creepy.”
As I spoke, a sweet smile grew on Ella’s face. She couldn't help but be amused by my comment. Rubbing her hands on her pinny, she took her shoes off and crossed her legs.
Ella signalled for me to sit up and I did exactly that. Oh, how I despised marriage talk. I anxiously began rubbing my hands. Why couldn’t I just pick a husband? The men my father had shown me hadn’t been that bad. If only things could be simpler. I didn't want any of that. I was I'm?seventeen, for God's sake. I didn't want to feel as though I had to find someone to marry within the next year. I didn't want to marry someone because of the fears of my father. I wanted to fall in love.
Ella's small hand was placed gently on my knee. Even though Ella wasn't really my nanny anymore, she truly did feel like a good friend. She was the only one who seemed to be on my side nowadays.
“Look, I know that you’re not too keen on this whole marriage thing,” Ella began. “but you know as well as I do, Victoria, that your family needs this. Your marrying a wealthy man in the replace "ihn the" with "by"next year would erase any worries of your parents losing your family’s entire estate.”
I hated it when Ella was right, especially when she made me feel guilty. I didn’t want to get married. I wanted to go out and have fun with friends, break up and make up with lots of guys, go to a college, enjoy the freedom of being a young woman. I wanted to live my life, to be a normal seventeen year old girl. Was that too much to ask?
Since the day I entered the world, I never had a chance of being normal. I didn't have a choice. I was born into the Kingston family; one of the richest family's in England. Or at least they were at the time. Although, times had changed since then. Nobody except for my family knew this, but if things were to carry on as they were, our money would soon run out.
My father had stupidly lied to my mother, telling her that the family business was fine for the past five years. She would often ask him why he hesitated when he brought his wallet out, but he'd simply respond by mumbling something about her being paranoid. Soon enough, my father's lies ran dry and both my mother and I realised that the family business was, in fact, struggling. After five years, we noticed how bad things really were.
There was one more problem though, a bigger one. Joseph Kingston. Joseph Kingston, as much as I hated to say it, was my cousin. Although he was a mere Change "a mere" to merely.three months older than meI! not me! People are always confused with that. PM me for more information.,and those three months made a huge difference. They were the reason I was not eligible to my family's estate and Joseph was. After my grandfather had died two years ago, the first grandchild to turn eighteen would get absolutely everything. Mine and Joesph's family had never gotten along and they wanted nothing more than to steal everything we owned from usdelete "from us".
Rubbing my temples, I looked back up at Ella. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room. The sound of the wind blowing through my window was the only minor distraction. I couldn't look at Ella, not directly. Instead, my eyes were fixated on my Apple Mac computer that was placed on a large, pine desk in the corner of my room.
After sitting silently for a minute or so, Ella finally gave up on receiving a response from me. She slowly shook her head.
“Just...” she said. “Just try and be more open minded, okay?”
“Okay,” I lied.
Ella was just about to leave my room when she turned around and smiled softly at me. "One more thing," she said, "can you at least try and get along with Ollie? He can be a bit frustrating to be around sometimes, but he's a good kid. Trust me on that one, Victoria. You might have something in common."
Before Ella closed the door behind her, I noticed a slight glimmer in her eyes. It felt as though the words that had come out of her mouth had frozen time for a few seconds. It was as if Ella was trying to tell me something, something she herself was unsure of.
I nodded my head slowly, not saying a single word. The words Ella had just spoken lingered in my head as she quietly closed the door behind her. She left with nothing but uncertainty in the back of my mind.
-----------------
Hello, Skins! I am now to review your work. Not bad, Skins! Not bad! Plot is very interesting.
Hello there, Skinnykins!
Here as requested.
First of all, I thank you for the request. However, I don't think I'd be much of that help as seeing those previous critiques above me. But oh well, on to the review...
When there's a comma, you basically don't need to capitalize the first letter of the second quote.
Perhaps you can erase the highlighted phrase? And because I think it's a bit too repetitive.
Writing "apologized" is a tad redundant because she just said sorry to her.
You don't need to place a period after the word "Miss", unless your doing that for emphasis from Oliver's dialog. Like for example: "Oh. my. gosh." <--
>However, you write a period when it comes to situation like this: "Ms. Kingston"
~
This is very interesting, Skins. I like the story even though the "arranged marriage" of a young lady is commonly used by now. Your characters realistic, so I think you should be happy for that. I like the way you write your main character's point of view and your dialogues are fantastic since they've balanced out very well throughout your piece. I also like how you describe Oliver, you don't literally and simply say that's he is weird, funny and all, but it is through his personality and actions that can make your readers think that he is. However, I'm just sort of confused as to why Oliver was chosen to be the assistant of Victoria. Does it something have to do with his past life experience or something? his personality? It's just a tad confusing.
Speaking of grammar, you have taken into account your critique's suggestion, so great job for that. However, there are just some things that I've nitpicked on. But giving my general view, grammatically speaking, I say this is pretty neat and clean. Your verbs are all consistent and your spelling is almost perfect. So far, I don't have anything bad to say since I think you have written this splendidly.
All in all, I thank you for the good read. This is like one of the best stories I've read so far here on YWS. And I'm pretty excited about the second chapter. Hope I helped (>.<) and PM me for questions.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
~yuri
Great story!! I know I'm late but ths story was on my reading list so I read it. The ony thing I have to say is that why do you have so many italics. When I was reading there seemed to be unnecessary italics. Other than that great story and I am going to read the second one now.
-lilgreendots
Thank you guys so much for all of the reviews. They genuinely help me so much!
hehe... I can't thank you enough... xD
Hye Skins! Tis me, Tanya!
Ironically enough, I was reading your latest chapter when I got your message. I had to stop and eat or fall flat on my face...But I'm better now.
I've actually been following your story off and on. I never commented because you already have so many good reviewers, and I didn't want to be repetitive. Considering how you asked me though, it would be an honour to read this piece of yours and give you my thoughts. Ready? Set, go!
Okay, just reread it completely. Skins, what's there to add? You've gotten about a million comments (exaggeration, much?) already. Well, here are my thoughts.
Your beginning is slow in coming. Although, like Pink said, you had a beautiful description of the gross food, where was the hook in that? If this were my story, I would start it off with a fight with her parents. Have her yelling at them. (now, because I just read your most recent chappie, I know she's afraid of her father, but still...) You could have her yell that we aren't in barbaric times, she shouldn't be forced to marry against her will. Have her father's face redden. Have warning bells ringing in her mind, letting her know she's pushing her limits. Have her mother wringing her hands or fluttering around nervously. Have Ella run over, trying to smooth things over.
THAT way we see several things at once.
One: What her relationship with her parents is like
Two: What her relationship with her nanny is like.
Three: Show everyone that we are NOT in the old ages, and it would remove confusion.
Skins, you have a good story plot. It's intriguing and interesting. Victoria is interesting. Ollie is hilarious. But you must absolutely make US believe that this is possible in this day in age. Why does she give a rat's a** if her family is ruined when they care so little for her? And for that matter, if they are SO broke, why is Ella still in their employement? If she is simply the Nanny, there is no need for her anymore, right? UNLESS they know that at her age she couldn't find herself another job and they don't want to kick her out to the street. If THAT is the case, then you need to mention it to show us that her parents are actually human. Make sense?
Which brings another point. If they are broke, on the verge of ruin, why in the name of the good lord would they HIRE someone else? Why couldn't Ella serve as an assistant? (First chapter, I know. There'll probably be an explanation but right now, these are the points that come to mind)
Well, that's all I could come up with for now, hope this was helpful and I'm off to the next chapter now!
Tanya
This is awesome keep going, I'm actually getting addicted but you need to work on the synopsis though, not very catchy
Yo, Skins. So, super thanks for the request. This'll keep me busy haha. Anyways, first of all, I'm going to try to get these reviews done at least once a day, if not more.
Alright, *cracks knuckles* let's start, shall we?
Honestly, I don't think this is the best opener. You describe a plate of yucky food and I don't think that's quite the appetizing way to start off a Novel. Although, on the other hand, your descriptions were wonderful. I know you were trying to go for gross but you made it sound good anyways. Hmm, now I'm hungry...
Hmm, you might want to double check but I think you need this to be:
"Come on, Victoria," he said, crossing his arms, "you need this, it's obvious you do. I need this."
See the comma placement? Although, I'm not sure, I think your way works too.
I think there should be a comma after him.
She's bee sighing an awful lot. I suggest you at least vary up the words. But, in all honestly, I don't think I would even sigh that much in that short amount of time. Tap her fork on her plate. Tap her leg to show how irritated she is. I know those are lame examples, but body language is just as powerful.
Now, it's not just her sighing. It's her father! lol
Oh my god, I'm being so nitpicky. I'm sorry, I'm on a sugar rush right now
But! I kind of thought that the repetition of Leaving and left didn't exactly work. Maybe: "With my food hardly touched, I left the dining room." Terrible example but yeah. Anyways, it's not that important so take it with a grain of salt.
Should be comma after parents. Remember, that the quote is being described as 'mumbled' so you need to connect the two.
Ah-ha! Typo! >=] Evil little hooligans. *grinning from ear to ear.
*Takes out a butterfly net* Yet, another one...*heart.
I think you should add an 'again' after this.
Honestly, I freaking love her reaction towards him!
Ollie, my dear, you seem to be laughing quite a bit and it's getting on my nerves a little
I'm wondering why you need an assistant to find a husband, but! It's interesting and I definitely like it.
Do you mean *add?
I think this is a bit of repetition, you already explained before that Oliver left her room.
Capitalize just.
Overall
*phew* Now since that's taken care of, I can get to the fun part
First of all, let's talk about your plot. I find it quite interesting, I like the fact that these two are coming together to find a love interest for Victoria. I mean, there's bound to be some jealousy and stuff that can come out of that and I'm a total fan of jealousy, I know...
Anyways, I still think the whole assistant thing is weird, but hey, a family is willing to do everything in order to keep their estate, even marry off their young daughter so I guess it's not too out of the ordinary.
I noticed a couple things regarding your actually punctuation and grammar in here. First, you tend to repeat a lot of things. Simple things like who left the room or smiles or certain emotions. So, I guess, I'd tell you to watch out for that because it can get annoying sometimes. I would say double check for typos and all but I'm super prone to that so I'm not going to say anything, that's what we're here for anyways, right? Haha. Anyways, I think there were a few comma errors here and there, mostly in the quotation part but I just skipped them since their weren't too many.
I'm out of sugar...
Okay, character-wise. I think you got them all down pretty flat. I could tell what kind of person Victoria is. She hates being forced to marry but there's nothing she can do about it and she's powerless, thus leaving her angry and sour. I wouldn't blame her. Next, Ollie, I love his quirkiness and totally weird vibe that he delivers but I picture his laugh to be quite annoying. Maybe I'll get over it, or even grow to love it in a love-hate sort of way. XD Plus, I dislike her parents. So mean -.- ahaha.
But, overall, I think this is a splendid first chapter. Noting that you brought out your plot, described your characters and got a move on. Well done!
Okay, I'm done for now, I'm running out of time since I'm at work, lol.
Ta-ta, see you in the next chapter
~Shear
- Jai
Hello thar! Azrael at your service on behalf of the Four Musketeers. Pleased to make your acquaintance. *bows* Now, onto the reviewing!
The tense in this sentence seems a little off. I think it should be, "The next time I'd hear the word marriage..."
Mmmm, I don't think you can smile sarcastically...
I, having quite a limited knowledge of words, for the death of me do not know what a pinny is...
Instantly, I assumed the second sentence was referring to the character's father... he has hallways and hallways inside him... I think maybe swapping the order of "house and my father" in the previous sentence would make this more sensible.
Apparently, yes.
Overall:
For a chapter this is a bit on the short side. However, I like the way you've begun building your characters. I have to say you protagonist seems a bit whiny for my taste (though I am biased in the fact I hardly ever indulge in romance novels.) Also, you seem to be playing the "angst" and "no on will ever understand me" card a little to harshly and early in the story. If you sprinkle it around evenly and not just have those emotions as the basis of your main then you'll already have a better story. You could perhaps think about putting more description in because it lacks a little in depth and try using a thesaurus sometime, you'll find a lot of pretty words that make even the best of writing look more sophisticated. Also, as Seemingly mentioned you'll need to fix a lot of your plot holes.
Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.
Hey Skins, here to review as requested, representing the Four Musketeers
I'd hope not after 10 reviews
What era is this? If it's meant to be in Victorian times (or even before then), as in you're writing a period novel, you'll probably have to do a fair bit of historical research. Is your main character speaking in the style of a young woman in that era? Was that boy acting like a young man would act?
Careful of repetition.
I'm really confused about the era. They have servants, the father is marring his daughter off at age 16, and yet she's using language common in the modern society, "going out".
lol your character sounds awful
More periodic language.
Most nannies are clean. If they are looking after children, they can't afford to be dirty. However, why does your main character have a nanny at her age? Does she still require baby-sitting?
]
I think you attempt to explain the characters thoughts too much. If this is a story set in the point of view of the character, would she be explaining her own thoughts to herself? I think you're still writing this as if it were a diary entry and the character is afraid someone is going to find it, so they are making sure that nothing they say is going to mar their name.
Again repetition. Also, the last bit sounds a little weird. If you've had sixteen years to explore a house and still got lost, either:
a) You're not very smart
b) It's a Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge house. In that case, they're not living in a house, but a mansion/castle.
Why would she need to fight Ella in this regard?
I hope you explain why the family estate depends on your main character marrying a wealthy man. What happened to put the estate at jeopardy in the first place?
Era?
You are going to have to explain the details of the problem. Did the ancestors gamble the family money away? Did her father invest in some unwise stock? If this is modern day, marriage at 16 is very rare in Western culture. In fact, I believe you have to be of legal age to marry, 21 or 18 depending on the country.
... this is modern day... Wow, I sincerely don't know what to make of this story now. There are so many holes. The beginning makes no sense at all now - why would the man/boy want to marry her? There are would be plenty more women to choose from. No one gets married at 16 anymore. Betrothed maybe, but married? In England? You're going to have to do a fair bit more research into this. A family doesn't just depend on their daughter getting married to a wealthy gentleman to solve all their problems. Do they expect money to just flow to their daughter once the marriage is committed?
Okay, hmm. Potential, of course. You are a good writer of solid work. This story however, at current (having only read this chapter) doesn't work.
1) Your main character is being forced to marry at 16. To a wealthy man. To fix the family problems (because they can't get sort out this mess themselves?)
2) Your main character isn't worried about the marriage beyond not being able to flirt with different boys first - she doesn't consider the child-bride idea to be barbaric at all, and it looks like she's going to do what her parents ask.
It just doesn't make sense. If this was written for 100 year ago, when 16 year old marriages still occurred in England, maybe. But not for the modern day - unless I have been living under a rock these past years, and child marriages actually do happen on a regular basis? You could easily change this to make the girl 18, or 21, both of which are reasonable marrying ages.
I think that your main character is somehow going to restore the family fortune, resulting in no need for her to marry a wealthy suitor.
Either that, or she marries someone for their money.
Onto chapter two.
- Jai, one of the Four Musketeers. All for one, and one for all.
EDIT:
I just read over the previous reviewer's review, and she picked up the same things I did. Perhaps you should take the liberty and reply in depth to all the reviews in this thread in one lengthy reply and answer all their questions. It's what I do, and I find that answering questions makes the whole story seem clearer in my head. If more than one person is questioning the believability of this story, perhaps you should consider whether this beginning/theme is believable at all.
Hi there! Sorry it took me a bit to get here for your review; finals week was an utter nightmare.
First impressions
I'm not really sure how the picture ties into this piece. I like the idea of using an image to set up a story, but I don't know that it quite works here. Does the girl stand for your MC, holding someone's heartstrings, about to let go? Interesting concept, but I just found it distracting.
Specifics
Please no muddy brown eyes. I am all for describing how a character looks, but you must, like Professor Moody of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire fame, proceed with CONSTANT VIGILANCE. Do any of your physical descriptions come across as Mary Sue or Gary Stu-like in any way? If so, kill them. The readers can live without physical descriptions, I promise. Jane Austen never told us what Lizzy Bennett or Mr. Darcy actually looked like, and they're still two of the most beloved literary characters of all time.
Ouch! Interesting start, though.
Eh... no. I'd just stick with "...or I'll make you leave." instead. "Big, huge muscles" seems like overkill, and out of place.
Well, he gave up fast. Also, how do you smile sarcastically?
Typo?
Parting shots
So... okay start thus far. I'm not too hooked on the scenario; I just don't quite "get" it. Are we in the present day? or is this a historical fiction piece? If it's the former then I think you'll need to a little more set up on why a teenage girl has to marry to save the family inheritance, because that doesn't happen too often nowadays. Take that angle and run with it. If it's the former, then you'll want to do some tweaking on your dialogue, because your colloquialisms and phrasing tends to sound much more modern. For instance, I doubt a maid speaking at the turn of the century would say, "whole marriage thing."
You also have multiple punctuation errors, especially in terms of comma placement. Take a closer look at that!
Overall, though, nice work. I'll get to your second chapter ASAP!
EDIT: I went back and caught these two paragraphs that I missed on my first read-through:
The Apple Mac clears up my question about the time period, but not the more important question - why is this girl being forced into marriage? I'm going to need some serious backstory on what is up with this family, especially her parents, before I'm willing to hit the "I believe" button on their desperate need for money. People don't just marry off their teenaged daughters anymore.
And now my confession: I skimmed the first paragraph, but I completely skipped the second paragraph. As soon as I read: "After getting bored of that, my eyes decided to scan the rest of my bedroom," I checked out. I literally dropped down to the following paragraph. There's nothing wrong with describing your characters' surroundings, but I honestly don't care what color her carpet is at this point. There are a lot more interesting things to be focused on - use those to your advantage!
I know you wanted me to do the second chapter. But I'm feeling generous, so Ima do this one first. Hope you don't mind.
I like this opening line.since you ended the first quote in a comma, it must be continued. Like so.
Its because the words couldn't and suppose kind of clash with each other. Supposed works better in that respect.
Since A is not a noun (or I), and this is after a quote, it should be lowercase.
Just want to point out that this case is probably the only one where something other than a noun is capitalized.
there is only l in signaled.
I like this line. It has a certain punch to it.
Same as above. However, I can't fix this one for you without it either: being a run on or messing up your intention.
spelling error, you said loosing.
it's lowercase
Ho boy. SHe's in a bad situation now isn't she? Nice ending.
Cool intro. Im going to have to disagree with the previous reviewer and say this does have a hook, and a darn good one too. You had me at the first few lines. Good job.
This is an alright start...but I feel like something is missing - the hook. the thing that makes me really really want to find out what happens next. I mean, I love how the beginning jumps right into action, but then after that, the pace gets slower and slower... until I, the reader, sort of - I'm afraid to say - join her in her boredom. I can't answer your question as to what I think will happen next... You have set up a scene in such a way that we meet a girl who has a problem, and we want her to solve it, but you haven't introduced any possibilities yet. even if they're false leads, give us something. like maybe a servant enters the room just as she has that last "ridiculous" thought. which makes us wonder...what will happen with him? that's just an example out of the blue. the way you've written it now, absolutely anything could happen. nothing is there to narrow down the options. you need to improve your pacing. balance moments of action with thoughtful moments. your story right now needs more things happening. we can't spend too much time in a character's mind!
hope this was helpful
I really like it so far. I love your description of Ella;
"I’d known Ella for as long as I could remember. I had only just been born when I first saw her long, ash blonde hair that was always tied into a perfect bun. She never really needed to smile, her deep brown eyes did that for her. Her skin was a lot more sagged now, compared to when I first saw her anyway. The creases on her face did not symbolise old age to me though - they symbolised wisdom."
Check spelling a bit, but overall I really like it. I agree that you could develop Alexander more, but I think maybe if he isn't going to play a big part in the story you don't need to do too much.
First of all, I really want to tell you that I really liked it. There are a few things you can clarify though. Throughout the piece before the Mac was mentioned, I thought that the setting was in the old times. I mean, who picks their daughters husbands anymore nowadays? And who gets marry at sixteen? Not even rich people.
Second, please describe the characters more. I have a blank space in my mind when I think of Alexander. What does he look like? How old is he? What does his voice sound like? You might already have a sentence ro two about this, but more! There are numerous things to add to your descriptions.
Third, mention where the main character's father or family is. Why do they need servants? Is there nobody to care for her except servants? Be more specific.
Overall, it has potential. I would love to read more of this, but make some changes first. Be sure to comment on my Will Review For Food topic for more reviews! Or you can PM me with things for me to review!
Hey, Skins! Here as per requested.
While I'm a bit tired of seeing the "arranged marriage" plot played out, I do think it has potential if you decide to continue it.
I'm very confused as to what time period this is taking place in. If it's modern times, then the speech is acceptable. However, if this is taking place at any point in the past, then you have some serious dialogue issues to sort out. I recommend, if you do decide to fix the dialogue, that you take a look at the Great and Terrible Beauty trilogy by Libba Bray, or any of Jane Austen's books as an example of how people in that age spoke.
...And really, that's the only serious gripe I have with this piece; everyone else did a pretty thorough job on it.
I hope this helped even a little bit, and if you have any questions at all, PM me!
Sachi
This was pretty well-written for being a first draft.
For a first draft this was really good, although a few of the sentences and paragraphs could be revised to make the picture more clear. I also really did want to know more about what the room looked like. Extremely few grammar/spelling errors that I found...
Just read over it quickly and add sprinkles of detail here and there. The beginning included a lot of gestures and it added more imagery. Towards the end it slipped a bit.
Hope this helps!
Keep writing!!
Hi Skins. Here as requested to provide my awesomeness.
So try and be more sophisticated, at least in the conversations. i liked the madame use, though. 
Here are the other nit-picks:
The word is not wrong here but just reading this kind of description gets too boring in the first line itself. You're good at describing, as we both know so just try and put some other awesome word.First to begin with, it has lot of potential and can be more descriptive. For example, you can describe Alexander more, why did she refuse to marry him and all. This makes the reader in a better state to imagine.
Secondly, I would be lot more happy to read this if the language you're using could be more sophisticated and polished as for an English rich girl. They, I don't think prefer to use guys all the time. Its the other casual style of talking but here we're talking about English rich lady.
You have already once mentioned that the bedroom door was hers so don't repeat it again.
No comma was stopping the flow of this beautiful sentence.
There seems to be a problem with this sentence.
I am just finding the richest-family-in-England-concept a bit too dramatic and over-exaggerated but it can just be me. I think the richest family ought to be that of the royal family.
So here were some mistakes. As you have set up your story in England, a royal and sophisticated country where mannerisms and etiquette stand at the topmost level, try to show us the feeling. I love that English feeling. Also, I was not able to guess the time setting. IS is modern times or the mid-twentieth century? Nothing was clear form the piece but I know you'll improve. You're a good writer. I am liking the story ad would love to read more!
Hi Skins, my ever faithful review-requester! I am here to do just that.
It has what every teenager lady loves in a book, and it's only the first chapter! Hehehe.
Well, since this is just a rough draft, I'm going to skip the nitpicks and get right to the chase. In my opinion, this definitely has potential, and you should continue writing it. Well, if you want to, that is.
Personally, I flipping despise romance novels, but I can see a lot of girls going all starry eyed over this.
Anyways, that's all I really have to say. This review sucks, I know.
-Knightley
Oh my god, for a rough draft this was really good. You had little spelling mistakes so I suggest that you proof read over this. Well this piece has a lot of potential, you should 100% continue writing this.