It all felt so perfect.
But later we lost it.
Now life feels so empty.
And no one can save me.
What's the point in carrying on?
When everything I ever had is gone?
When you said I'd be all right,
I begged you no and tried to fight.
You promised me you'd always stay
Stand by me and listen to what I'd say.
But now that you've left me,
It feels like I can't see
Anything anymore.
I know I should let go,
But I really just don't know
How to let go when it's you I adore.
When you said I'd be all right,
I begged you no and put up a fight
You promised me you'd always stay.
Stand by me and listen to what I'd say.
I thought that I knew you.
But how could I know you
If I don't even know myself?
Cos I'm lost without you,
Wished I never met you.
If only I could change the past
To keep what we had, to make it last
When you said I'd be all right,
I begged you no and was willing to fight.
You promised me you'd always stay
Stand by me and listen to what I'd say.
The only thing left are memories,
memories of a broken promise.
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,020 Reviews
This is a good piece of work and it is very touching. however there are some pats that need to be checked on.
When you said I'd be all right,
I begged you no and was willing to fight
i have a problem with the 'i begged you no' part becasue the sentence does not seem very correct and is hard to understand.
I also noticed a few small spelling errors scattered through the poem. If you could check on them and correct them it would make your poem perfect.
love, kemunto
Hey White! I liked the poem, it felt like a song and the rhythm was pretty good although it felt a little off in a few places.
I feel like this should be one line. "Anything anymore" just doesn't seem strong enough to support itself. And then the line that says, "I thought that I knew you, but how could I know you," is a little too repetative for me. I don't know if you really need to change it, it just bothers me a bit how you used knew, know, and you twice in both lines.
Overall I like the poem and it talks about something that everyone can relate to. It reminds me of emotions that I have felt and I think that's important.
When I was reading this, this song came to mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHOf3s70w-c
It's Dry Your Eyes Mate by the Streets and your poem is kind of the same style. This is a bit like a rap/song lyric. It would work as that.
Okay... you mispelt listen. Needs correcting, chuck.
It all felt so perfect.
But later we lost it.
Now life feels so empty.
And no one can save me.
What's the point in carrying on?
When everything I ever had is gone?
The second line here should be in the present tense, seeing as how you're narrating it from that particular moment in time. "But now we've lost it".
When you said I'd be all right,
I begged you no and I tried to fight.
You promised me you'd always stay
Stand by me and lsiten to what I'd say.
Voila! La mispelt 'listen' c'est ici! Dans la chorus!
The second verse was my favourite. Nothing to complain about there.
Maybe write 'because' instead of 'cos' so that your poem is more professional.
Seriously though, listen to that song because it's REALLY like your poem.
xxxx
While this was not exactly a highly original piece, I liked it. You have a good grasp of rhythm and the rhyming did not seem forced. I particularly liked the first two lines; nice hook for the reader. I could just imagine this set to music, actually.
A few things you need to work on, though. Firstly, remember to proof read your work and spellcheck before posting - you've mis-spelt "listen" a couple of times. Secondly, I think the ending needs work. It's very flat and doesn't really give a sense of closure, so you might want to work on that.
In general, I also think you should try and explore literary devices more - metaphors, similes and the like can really help develop a poem. At this point, this is what I'd call navel-gazing poetry, insomuch as it only has full meaning to the poet and it's all about you - you don't share much with the reader. The aim of poetry is (IMHO) to get the reader to feel with you. You need to experiment with all the senses, so that you can really get the reader involved, rather than leave them as an objective witness to your experiences, you know?
Overall, this was a good start. I hope you keep working on it
Cheers,
~bubbles