The day was cool, and a gentle breeze blew through the small clearing an old sorcerer and his apprentice sat in, resting after their long walk. They were travelling through the southern lands of Atra, one of the center kingdoms in the largest known continent in all of Beirania. The sorcerer's daughter, Kyanne, was married to the prince of Atra, and recently had given birth to a set of twins. The old man wanted to see his grand babies.
The boy, a lad in his early teenage years, was sitting cross-legged by the small fire he'd built to to cook their midday meal. He was bent over a thick leather bound book, carefully moving down the page with his fingers, intensely reading the spell. That wasn't like him. Usually the boy was reluctant to do his reading, favoring rather his applied studies-- casting spells and summoning Spirits. The old sorcerer watched him a moment, his suspicion growing as a small grin broke out across the boy's face, and he murmured under his breath.
"What are you reading, Kieran?"
The boy looked up, seeming startled. "What? Oh. Nothing."
The old sorcerer narrowed his eyes, his hands stilled from tamping tobacco into his long wooden pipe. The boy tried to shrug his suspicion off. "Nothing. Really. Just getting caught up on the pages you assigned me."
"Mm." The old man lit his pipe, unconvinced. "You're still a rotten liar."
"I'm not lying." Kieran said resentfully as he closed the book and stood, carefully placing the old volume in the saddlebag where it was kept. He walked over to the fire and poked it with the tip of a partially-charred stick. He carefully sat a small pot of water on the smoldering pile of wood to boil. "The fire's ready."
"Good." The sorcerer tossed the boy a rabbit he'd killed with a small stone. "Then you can fix this."
The boy caught the large hare, and pulled the dagger out of his belt. A few minutes later the rabbit was skinned and gutted, and skewered on a spit over the fire. The boy took the stopper out of a water skin, and began rinsing the blood from his hands. He was distracted. He cursed when he finally noticed he'd spilled water on the legs of his trousers.
The old sorcerer watched silently, puffing in on his pipe, considering all of the things that could be troubling his young apprentice. The boy put the stopper back in the water skin, and tossed it down, seeming annoyed. He made a half-hearted attempt to dry his trousers with a rag, before throwing it down too, sighing.
"What's troubling you?"
The boy glanced at him, before frowning and looking away. "Nothing."
"Come, now. You've got something on your mind. That's plain to see." He took the pipe out of his mouth. "Tell me what it is."
"Well..." The boy took a deep breath, before hastily answering. "I want to summon a spirit."
"Well that's simple enough." The wizard said, relieved it wasn't something harder to answer. He didn't enjoy talking boys through their questions about manhood or, worse, the woes and trials of love. "You did well these past few times."
"You mean I can?" The boy lifted his head quickly, excited. "Really?"
"Sure." The old man smiled at the boy's enthusiasm. "Did you have a specific spirit in mind? Or just a spirit in general?"
"Yeah... there's this one I've wanted to talk to."
"Mm?" The sorcerer asked kindly, as he pulled the small bag of spices out of a fold in his cloak and held them out to the boy.
"Well, I was thinking..." The boy said slowly, as he opened the pouch and moved toward the fire, pulling his dagger out of his back for the second time.
The old man frowned at the curious look on the boy's face. "What's wrong, Kieran?"
"I want to summon Morden."
"No!" The old man was on his feet. "Absolutely not."
"I can do it."
"He's too strong."
"You've summoned him." The boy said, his jaw getting hard, defiant, as he stepped around the fire, carefully staying out of the reach of the old man.
"I'm the master, you're the apprentice." The old man held his hand over the firepit. "Give me the spices back."
The boy hesitated a moment, before dumping the spices into his palm.
"Kier--"
The boy tossed the spices in the now boiling vat of water, and hastily chanted the words to summon the spirit.
"Don't!" The old man shouted, as he moved around the fire, trying to stop the boy. It was too late. Kieran moved too, keeping the fire between himself and his master, his gleaming blade trembling in his hands.
A black fog whispered into the clearing, staying low to the ground, filling the space around their feet. A voice not of this life came with it. "What human dares to summon me?"
"Me. Kieran." The boy said with a strength the sorcerer didn't think he had in him.
"Don't be a fool!" The old man bellowed. The fog shrank back from the sorcerer's voice a moment, before locking around his feet and holding him in place. "Kieran! End this."
"I plan to." The boy said, staring at the fog, his brow covered in sweat, breath coming heavy. He lifted his blade and pressed the tip into the soft flesh of his left palm. He dragged the blade across his hand, forcing it to make a deep incision. Blood welled from the cut, and filled his palm. He squeezed his hand shut tightly, making it bleed more, and held it over the fire.
The fire lapped up the blood greedily, sizzling loudly. The old sorcerer was left helpless, unable to do anything but watch, and pray to whatever gods might be listening, that his apprentice was strong enough to command Morden. It wasn't likely.
He watched breathlessly as the fog swirled around his apprentice's body, before entering. The old sorcerer watched breathlessly, as his apprentice moaned loudly, swaying. A moment later the clearing fell silent, the fog gone, his apprentice's face no longer contorted in pain.
"Kieran?" He nearly whispered.
The boy turned toward his master, and gave one of his boyish grins. "See? What did I tell you? Everything is--"
The boy let out a howl, clawing at his face, his entire body trembling. He fell to his knees, still scratching his head and neck, eyes watering, breath constricted, face flushed bright red. He collapsed on the ground, screaming and writhing for several long, terrible moments, before falling still.
"Kieran!" The sorcerer shouted, finally finding his legs and running to the boy.
As the old man rolled the boy onto his back, he hesitated to look at the peaceful look on the boy's face. He almost looked like he was sleeping. The old man swallowed hard, still clinging to the small shred of hope that the boy was only sleeping. "Kieran?"
Suddenly the boy's eyes snapped open, an unnatural look on his face. He sat straight up, thrusting his palm into the sorcerer's throat, making the old man fall backward. The boy cracked his neck, eyes cold and staring straight ahead.
"Kieran?" The old man asked again in a trembling voice, fearing he already knew what had happened.
"You fool." The other world's voice came from the young boy's mouth. "You know the kid wasn't nearly strong enough. You aren't strong enough. Not anymore. That's why you stopped calling me, isn't it?"
The old man pushed himself to his his feet, mustering every speck of courage he could, grasping his staff tightly. "You didn't have to kill the boy, Morden."
"There's a lot of people I've killed that I didn't have to." The dark spirit laughed cruelly. "And there are a lot more to come."
The old man straightened his shoulders. "Not if I have anything to say about it."
"Oh, but you don't... in fact, you're the first person I plan on sending to the Afterlife...Kyanne is the second, and her little bastard children too."
The color drained from the old sorcerer's face and his voice became a whisper. "Oh, gods, no. Not my dear Kyanne."
The spirit laughed again, a chilling noise that rattled even the experienced sorcerer to his very bones.
"Morden," the sorcerer found his voice. "I don't care if you kill me, but you will not touch my daughter, or her family."
"You old fool-- you don't control me."
The old man was breathing heavily, scared for not only his life, but for the lives of his daughter and her young family. He had to humble himself. There was no choice but plead for mercy. He suddenly sounded very old indeed. "Please."
"Oh, no, it's far too late for pleading." Morden turned toward him, pure hatred flaming in his dark eyes. The old sorcerer threw up a magical barrier between them. Morden stretched his arm toward the old man, pushing hard against the shield. "You should've thought of that long ago...when you were singing those incantations, to bind me, against my will, to do your every whim and wish."
"But you didn't." The old sorcerer grunted, his strength quickly dwindling under the pressure the spirit put on him. Morden kept walking forward, his arm outstretched, strong and unwavering as he pushed against the sorcerer's magic barrier.
Suddenly the spirit broke the old man's spell, and Morden's fingers wrapped around the sorcerer's throat. He squeezed tightly for several long moments, staring into the old man's eyes as they watered, and then began to dim. "And for that, you die, old man."
Morden dug his fingernails into the sorcerer's throat, so hard they broke the skin and buried themselves deep within his flesh. The spirit gave a swift yank, pulling the old man's windpipe from where it belonged. Morden threw the sorcerer to the ground and looked at his corpse a moment, before looking at his blood covered hand.
The spirit lifted his hand to his lips, licked his fingers, savoring the taste of warm, fresh blood on his tongue once more. Morden groaned in pleasure, licking the rest of the old man's blood from his hand, before glancing up at the sky. He could get to the palace by mid-day tomorrow, if he moved quickly. He swung himself onto the old sorcerer's horse, and kicked it into a gallop.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi Shadow,
So I'm finally getting to this... Better late than never. This is a review as I read at the same time, so it won't be as detailed as line by line or anything like that. OK here goes...
First thing:
Remember that "had" slows down the story for the reader. It should be avoided if possible and only used when specifying a time sequence. But it should still be used in dialogue if the characters speak that way, just avoid it when narrating.
Notice that the sentence reads quicker and smoother as "and recently gave birth..." or even "and recently birthed a set of..."
A few things here: 1. "was + -ing" remember that anytime you have "was" followed by a word ending in "ing" the flow can be improved by cutting the "was" and turning the "ing" word in it's past tense. (...a lad in his teenage years, sat cross-legged...)
2. The apostrophe, when used to abbreviate is something you want to avoid in narration as well. So here you have "He'd" which is an abbreviation of "he had". I commend you in trying to eliminate the "had", but it doesn't work this way haha. Perhaps "...the small fire he used earlier to cook..." Or something like that. The narrator is supposed to be more formal than the characters (in third-person fantasy anyway), so you'll want to do that by not abbreviating and only using apostrophes to show possession (Like you did in the beginning with "the sorcerer's daughter")
3. typo "to to"
This part feels a little "telly". Like... I feel that it would be better of you could reveal the character's normal behavior through dialogue or action. Like you could have the sorcerer comment on his odd behavior to let us know the boy is acting strange, rather than having the narrator just tell us it isn't normal.
You can cut the bold here as the audience knows where the book goes by how and where he puts it
typo. "set".
Same thing as before regarding "he'd". Also, It's not clear at this point which POV we are using during this dialogue. You could give us the "thoughts" of one of the characters to make that clear. But if the POV is from the Boy, then the rabbit should just be "dead". Since the audience started with the Boy we would have no Idea how the rabbit was killed unless there is some marking or wound on the rabbit that the Boy can see to determine how the rabbit was killed "off-screen". Just something to think about.
"rinsed".
This would be a good opportunity to give us the "thoughts" of the Boy, and show us exactly what the Boy is distracted by/obsessing over so much that he can't even was his hands carefully
The part following "considering" makes it seem like we are in the Wizard's POV. Since if we were in the Boy's POV the audience would not know what the Wizard is thinking about. Maybe we are supposed to be in the Wizards POV?
Unneeded comma. Delete.
OK, now I'm convinced that we are in the Wizard's POV. I hope that is what you were going for.
hmm, since the apprentice has been referred to a lot as "The boy", you should probably use a different adjective other than "boyish" here. haha
btw this is getting exciting. I did not anticipate this from how the story started.
This is a really good and descriptive sentence. Nicely done
...dang Shadow, you twisted...
Well this was an interesting little prelude. I agree with some of the other reviewers that this feels more like a prologue, a tease of this world and the magic and spirits in it. Mostly because the POV we are given is now... well... dead lol. With the spirit as the only surviving character this would kind of only make sense as CH 1. if the spirit is the main character. Maybe that is what you are planning, but it didn't really feel like it with so much focus on the sorcerer and his apprentice for most of the piece.
OK, I hope that helped.
Timmyjake to give you a review!!
So here I am... Anyway, onto your review!
Gosh, this is hard. Between chatting and writing reviews, this may take the longest time ever for me to write a proper review. Anyway, here I go!
This was amazing! You describe everything without over description, but I can still see everything so perfectly! And I really like the characters, especially the sorcerer. He seems very brave, although he is dead now. I am going to have to talk with you about that. Killing off characters so quickly. *Attempts stern expression*
I know this is late, but I did tell you I would give you one!
As a first sentence, that one worked well, but it didn't seem fluid to me. I know its a bit late for me to say revise, but here I go anyway. Maybe, The day was cool, and a gentle breeze blew through the small clearing in the forest. An old sorcerer and his apprentice sat (on an old log or something) there, after their long walk, etc...
That probably wasn't much better, but I hope it helps.
I won't mention anything about how the apprentice isn't stopped by the sorcerer, not even a struggle. Wait... I just did mention it.
I think that is all I have to critique for that... There aren't very many grammar mistakes to be found really.
There seems to be a main character missing here. There is Morden, of course, but the evil guy usually isn't the main character. So I am assuming that he or she will come in next chapter?
I really enjoyed this. You have a way of making everything seem... old fashioned, but without all of the thee's and thou's. Which is something I really like! There are a lot of questions that arise from reading this chapter, but not a lot of them are answered... Which really adds to the suspense! So I don't have much more to say on this, other than to tell you to keep going! Looking forward to more!!!!
~Timmyjake
Messenger here for you . I saw this back when it was in the green room but didn't take the time to review it. Now I am!
But no clue what the rest of it was. Also, this is small, but what was the magical barrier like? Did it shoot out of the staff and stay there, or did the sorcerer have to hold it there with the staff. And was it colorful? Those are smaller things, but I think it you just hinted a little bit on them, you could make it just a tad better.
This was actually quite beautiful. It was well written. Iggy mentioned the things about the apprentice and the sorcerer taking control of Morden, so I won't really harbor on those.
The main thing for actually, was the fact that I had no idea what the setting was. I mean sure you told us about the stable, and you explained the breeze, but I don't know what the apprentice or Demon looked like. I automatically envisioned the sorcerer as Gandalf
Now, the story itself seems like it will be quite interesting. This seems liked it will be very rushed, so I am expecting something unexpected to come up and get in Morden's way, or perhaps one of the children will end up having to slay him.
Overall it was a pretty nice and exciting chapter. A little rushed, but still a good read. Let me know when the next chapter is out!
Keep it up!
Oh, darling. You brilliant mind, you.

This was really a pleasure to read. Demons and fantasy and sorcery and you've got me: hook, line, and sinker.
I think what bugged me the most about this was how the old man failed to stop his apprentice. What kind of sorcerer can't stop their apprentice from doing something? Isn't he all powerful and scary and can easily control the boy? Because that's what masters are meant to do when it comes to this type of thing.. eh, but maybe you did that on purpose because the old man is a. too weak and b. couldn't stop Kieran anyways because the spell was already evoked and begun.
I do like what you've done with this, though... you say the old man and his apprentice have summoned and controlled Mordan before. He's a powerful demon, so wouldn't that have proven to be a struggle? No powerful demon goes down without a fight. So if they did manage to control him, it would have been barely. So why would Kieran go evoke a demon that he knew was too powerful for him? Seems like a death wish to me, or maybe Mordan was controlling him?
Either way, I felt that that was a bit rushed, like you were eager to get them killed and Mordan on his cheery way to kill the daughter and her kids and what not. Now all we gotta know is why!
Besides the nitpicks, I really like the plot you've got going here. I like the immediate action, if a bit rushed, and I look forward to reading more. I'm also betting money on a plot twist, that Kieran is stronger than we think he was and comes back and whoops Mordan's butt and gets his body back and falls in love with the daughter and happy ending! (then again, she's married...) Iunno, but plot twists are always nice! I recommend one!
Let me know when chapter two is published. <3
Hey there
Of course I'll be interested in reading anything you write! Although I must say, this was very good and I don't have much criticism for you. It seems like an interesting beginning to a story, and I can already see how Morden is the obvious villain. I thought it was a shame that the old sorcerer died so quickly though. I wanted to know why he needed and used Morden so much. What use was the spirit to him?
Two nitpicks only?
I think you mean human.
Far too late for pleading.
So, this was good but now I know that the boy is dead, and that the sorcerer is dead, I feel like some things were a bit useless to read. We got the whole act of him skimming the rabbit and cooking it, when really it wasn't necessary until he started to get frustrated. It doesn't mean cut it all out, but I do believe every moment should matter in a story, perhaps even in a small way. Maybe add something in to that paragraph about it somehow?
Also, this seems like more of a prologue-y thing, because it's really the foreshadowing into what the rest of the story is about. Especially as there is no more old sorcerer and there is no more young apprentice, except like, his body being used. I'm sure there are plenty who say no prologue, but this time I'd vouch for it.
Other than that, I don't really have anything negative to say much. It was a very well written first chapter with plenty detail, and good enough for me to want to read more. Let me know when more is up! Also, question: does this mean your other novels are abandoned? D: I liked those too!
Deanie x
Thanks so much for the review, Deanie! It helped a lot, as always.
My other novels aren't abandoned, don't worry. I just felt like I was having to force them, which, obviously, don't make for good writing, so I decided to give them a break. But they'll be back eventually.
Thanks again~