The door creaked open a few inches, and an old chamber maiden poked her head out into the hallway. She was an old lady. His nurse, when he was but a child.
“A daughter, milord.” She said softly, bobbling her head.
He felt his heart sink, but nodded. She disappeared within the room, quickly shutting the door. He sat down in the chair once more, suddenly feeling weak. He sighed deeply. “What have I done?”
Silence.
He looked up at the cracking white paint on the ceiling, searching for the gods he didn’t believe existed. “If you gods are up there, answer me.”
His eyes flicked across ceiling, looking for a sign, looking for anything. “Answer me!”
Silence.
“What must I do to prove my worth of a he-child?”
There was no flash of light. No crackle of thunder. Mere silence… and burbling cry of the little brat in the room behind him. He clenched his fists, pressing his knuckles into the bridge of his nose. He didn’t understand.
Another gurgling cry. He was on his feet in an instant, his heart leaping as he heard two distinct cries. Two children. There was hope yet.
“Rayll.” He breathed. “Rayll Kaw…that’s a good, strong name.”
The maid, Daenya, appeared at the door once more, excitement filling her wrinkled face. “Another one! A son too, Milord!”
She disappeared before he could answer. A broad grin broke out across his face, and he looked up at the ceiling. “I’ll never doubt the gods again. I believe.”
He waited impatiently as the babes were hushed, resuming his track—two paces past the door, turn, to the hall table, turn, back again. “Rayll Kaw Elstan…Lord Rayll Elstan…”
As the babes fell silent, he drew nearer and nearer the door, waiting for Daenya to grant him access to the birthing room. She did, a moment later. “Milady will have you now, Milord.”
He quickly walked through the door she held open for him, hesitating just within. His wife didn’t look good. She was pale and trembling, her breathing shallow and too rapid, but she looked prouder than he’d ever seen her before.
“Viv?” He asked softly.
She looked up from the bundles lying to her side and smiled weakly. “We did it, Leikos. Look at how beautiful they are.”
He cautiously moved closer to the bed, and lowered himself to his knees. He carefully pulled the blanket back, and looked at the face of an infant, its face bright red and purple, hair still damp. The other one was just as wrinkled and ugly, but one of them was his son.
“What could be better than a daughter and a son at once?”
Two sons. He kept the opinion to himself, and merely nodded. “Which one…which is which?”
“This is our baby girl.” She said, stroking the one lying nearer her, before stroking the other. “And this is our little boy.”
He examined the boy closer. They looked the same, now, but he was sure that the boy would grow up well.
“One day, you’ll be big and mighty…Master Elstan.”
“Have you thought of any names?”
“Rayll.” He said softly, glancing up at his wife’s face. “Rayll Kaw.”
“Rayll Kaw Elstan.” She nodded, and he noticed the dark bags under her eyes. “I like it.”
He smiled.
“And what of little Miss Elstan?”
I don’t care. He kept that opinion to himself too. “Why don’t you name her?”
“No, we should name them together.”
“Mm…well, have you thought of any names?”
“Darrana is a pretty name.” She said, so softly he could barely hear her voice.
“Darrana…” Yes, that would do. “It’s pretty. Darrana Vivienne?”
“No.” She chuckled softly, shaking her head. “I don’t want to name her after myself.”
“Then what about Karine?”
“After my sister?” She thought a moment, brushing her hair back. She was trembling more than he thought she would be. “Yes, let’s.”
“Rayll Kaw.”
“And Darrana Karine.” She smiled broadly. “Oh, such beautiful names for such beautiful children.”
“Milady should rest.” Daenya was shooing him out of the room. “And Milord should as well.”
“But, the babies—”
“Will be just fine. Rest.” She turned to the man. “And you, Milord, should scoot.”
“Yes, Nya.” He stole a final glance at his family, doubled in a single night, and then let himself from the room. It didn’t take long before the Lady was fast asleep, leaving Daeyna to fuss over the babes.
***
They weren’t doing well. Not one of them. The young missus hadn’t gotten out of bed in a week, and the babes were barely eating. Daenya sat in a chair in the corner, rocking both of the little Elstans, stealing worried glances at where their mother moaned in her sleep.
They weren’t going to make it. The babes were sickly. They’d never recover. She pulled them closer to her chest, hugging them tightly. “Get well, my loves. My poor missus’ heart couldn’t stand to lose you.”
There was a knock at the door.
Daenya sighed and stood up, gently setting each infant in their cradles. She moved toward the door, when Darrana began coughing, the poor child’s entire body shaking with the force of her coughing. Daenya turned towards girl, moving the blanket around her, angling her chin so she could breathe better. The knock again.
“Go away!”
“No.” The gruff voice accompanied a dark figure into a room.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
This is great. You really build the suspense and make me feel for the characters. I am very intrigued about who Zandyr is and where he's gotten this baby from. I only have a couple of things, gramatical things, that I want to point out that you might want to look at and apart from that my only suggestion is that you give this one more proofread.
This should be, "as he had been doing for..."
You do this ever time you write speach. A bit of speach and a statement saying who is speaking are both part of the same sentence, so you mustn't have a full stop and a capital letter in the middle, like with any sentence. Here it should be, "...wealthy and wise," he murmured..."
Where you have an and you don't need a comma.
As I said before, this is a good piece and I look forward to reading more.
Hi, Shady! No need to fear, your Secret Santa has arrived to review! I’ll review it paragraph by paragraph, and then give you an overview of my thoughts at the end.
~
Your first sentence has a few problems. 1 - It’s a run-on. 2- You change tenses a bit. 3- You use passive voice. Here is my suggestion to smooth it out a bit: “Sweat trickled through her hair, usually light brown, contrasting with her pale, sticky forehead. Her eyes were an innocent contradiction: spent and anticipating.” Also, I would consider swapping the locations of the phrases “..and was just now to its peak” and “as the sun was rising..”. I like the way you lead the readers into the opening scene - kind of sudden, but in a good way because it sparks interest.
Maybe consider rewording this to something a little more showy and less telly, like “Outside the room, a man in the hallway paces past the [insert descriptor] stain on the [insert descriptor] wall for the twenty-seventh time. He looks up from the tiled linoleum, eyes finding the face of his silver pocket watch he pulled from his vest pocket.”
Kind of melodramatic wording; I think “that his legs had been supporting” would suffice.
Oooh, foreshadowing.. I love this.
This is a wonderful example of providing background information on the situation, the time period, and a few of the characters, the personality and atmosphere of the father in particular. Great job on this.
Replace “that one” with something a little more referencing.
I would word this as, “She was an old lady, the nurse of his childhood.”
In these two paragraphs, the narrator voice shifts to a more informal tone, and I feel that this fits Daenya well.
Wording here is a bit awkward and more focused on the action then the cause/effect of the action. But I like the part about Daenya all of a sudden collapsing onto Zandyr in tears - good characterization.
Very nice ending! Leaves just enough mystery to make the reader want to continue being the reader, and is especially good for a prologue. This was probably one of the most well-written fiction prologues I have ever read. Also, I really like the name Rayll.
~Indie.
Evening! And happy review day
I HATE THE FATHER! haha but I think I'm supposed to. I love the mother, and the nurse/maid.
I think this prologue sets your novel up perfectly and has me hooked already! I love the idea of a mysterious stranger turning up to make a baby swap. How random!? I would love to know more about this man....and of course how the new baby girl is going to turn out when she grows up.
So.. the only critique I have is to maybe delve deeper into the more interesting characters. I'm really excited to read whatever you have planned next.
Good luck and feel free to take a look at my work when/if you have the time
Thanks!
Hey Shady! Iggy here to review!
So far, so good! I, myself, did not did one nitpick to focus on, only a seething hatred for the father and his automatic disdain at having a daughter. I seriously cannot stand it whenever I hear of lords that resent the idea of a female succeedor, which is why England is so much cooler than I thought it was. ^^
Like Charlie said below, this was a strong introduction and I agree that the mother and this Zandyr could be fleshed out more, so hopefully you can add on more in the next chapter. Also, tell us, who is Zandyr? Sounds to me like he is a Healer.
Anyways, off to read chapter one! I like this story already!
~ Iggy
Heya Shadow!
I like reading prologues like this because it's actually quite interesting. Rather than having a short chronology of the fantasy world you've created, it's actually about characters and emotions and an important plot device. This is good stuff and I'd like to make sure you know it.
I also really liked the character of the lord/husband. He was strong-willed but flawed -- it was nice to see that well-rounded-ness that makes good believable characters. His misogyny would be out of place in a modern setting but it sort of made sense in terms of the world you have created. It meant he was easy to understand: his goals were clear.
The other character in comparison were a bit bland. Sure the nursery maid, Daenya, made the decisions and calls that many real people would make, but she didn't seem a full and well-rounded as the lord. Maybe that's a place to work on? Also Zandyr is only present for the last third of the prologue so he isn't as fleshed-out either.
I don't suggest that you make this prologue any longer, since it is already quite sizeable for an introduction, but maybe there's more you can do with what's there. The tone of the prologue is good, with the language reflecting a lot about the time period simply in the words chosen. This is quite effective, though be careful not to choose words that are too elaborate or unusual unless you want to accidentally alienate the reader.
Other than that, this was pretty good. I hope you keep going and finish the novel!