I could feel my apprehension growing each moment, as they manhandled me up the steep incline. The smell of sulfur and reptile stench was so strong it nearly choked me. I continued to jerk at the rope that tightly bound my wrists together and the second rope that pinned my arms down to my sides, wrapped so tightly I could barely breathe.
“Is all this really necessary?” I complained as we were approaching the top of the incline. A tight knot in my stomach was near to the point of making me admit that at some point my discomfort turned to fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the possibility of actually having to face a dragon.
“Yes,” the general hissed, tightening his grasp just enough to dig his fingernails into my shoulder just a bit deeper. Part of me wondered if the dragon might be a better option than staying with the general. I didn’t want to know what General Raheil could do to me.
A deep rumble made the entire party fall still as we reached the peak. Immediately in front of me was a steep slope made from jagged rocks which led down to a bowl-shaped stone area. On the far side of the small clearing a rocky cliff rose almost straight up, a narrow set of stairs on the far right side—the only way to escape from the bowl. At the top of the stairs was a small ledge which had a dark doorway behind it.
I took a shaky breath, my eyes surveying the area in front of me. I didn’t know what was through that doorway, but I was nearly certain I didn’t want to know. I definitely had no desire to face whatever it might be. I looked up at the general, and saw as much fear in his eyes as I felt. I swallowed hard. The very ground beneath my feet shook.
“This, princess, is where we part ways,” General Raheil shook himself, forcing some of the fear from his appearance as he glowered down at me. “Best of luck with the dragon.”
“You can’t do this,” I mentally kicked myself as I heard the tremble in my voice.
“Watch me.”
“You want me to face a dragon without a sword?” I forced the hardness back into my voice, even as my stomach felt like it forced itself into my throat.
“Not my problem,” he roughly hauled me closer to the edge.
“At least untie me.” My voice was back to pleading. At this point, I didn’t entirely care.
General Raheil hesitated a moment, seeming to consider, before yanking a dagger out of his belt. He brandished it in front of my face for a moment, pressing the tip against my cheek. I clenched my teeth, lifting my jaw slightly as I glared up into his eyes. A dragon might be able to unnerve me, but no Tyraennian soldier could.
He swiftly moved his blade, slicing through one of the ropes that bound my arms to my sides, then sliding his dagger back into its sheath. The next moment he gave me a swift push. Suddenly I was tumbling down the rocky incline, trying to protect my head, even though my arms were still caught by my sides. I grunted as I reached the bottom, even more bruised and sore than I was before, and panting.
Another deep rumble. If the dragon didn’t know we were here before, he certainly knew now. I swallowed hard, desperately trying to keep my composure, even as I felt it melting away. I was so light headed. I closed my eyes tightly. Suddenly memories flooded into my mind’s eye.
I was on the battlefield again. My uncle and his cursed sorcerer advisor were behind me. They pushed me down a short incline, threatening me with what would happen if I didn’t get back to the fight. Informing me that I was a selfish brat for wanting a day off from the battle.
“You’ve got a special gift,” my uncle said, as he glowered down at me from under his ugly crown. “Use it to serve your kingdom.”
Some gift it had turned out to be. It was one thing to train for endless hours until I was as good with a sword as any man I knew. It was something else to be forced into an unpaid mercenary servitude to your uncle. And it certainly was a different matter to go up against one of the Careasts that the Tyraennians brought to the battlefield.
The beast was as tall as a small building. With ugly yellow horns that curled out from its head and three beady red eyes that seemed to glow as they searched out the newest victim. The Careast before me had dark brown fur that was peeling in places, matted and knotted in others, filled with twigs and old bones. Its claws seemed to be longer than my arms, and it smelled worse than even the dormitory that the male soldiers stayed in.
I swallowed hard, forcing myself to stay brave. I had to be strong for my soldiers. They were always watching. If I wasn’t brave they would think that I was just another little girl—not a trained assassin. If they didn’t think I was fit for my rank, they’d tell the king. I didn’t need my uncle angry with me. I drew myself up, raising the tip of my sword, and approached the beast, glancing over my shoulder at my men. They were scared.
“With me!” I shouted, as I charged the Careast. “For Archania!”
“For Archania!” The soldiers echoed my cry, following behind me.
I fought for many long minutes, ducking under each attack the beast made towards me, desperately trying to find a weakness. Its chest was like thick leather—no matter how many passes I made, it never seemed to make any difference in the ferocity or speed the Careast fought with. I came up behind the beast, throwing all my weight at a blow that would thrust my blade up under its ribs.
Suddenly the Careast whirled around, hitting my unprotected side, hard, throwing me many yards to the side. I flew into a shield, then fell to the ground heavily. I groaned loudly, grabbing my back and writhing. Suddenly my blade was wrenched from my hands, and a rough hand was around my throat, jerking me to my feet.
I snapped my head around, clawing at the hand, as General Raheil lifted me up to his eye level. I felt my eyes go wide as I saw who it was. I hadn’t seen him since the last battle that I’d met him in—the one where I singlehandedly took out his son’s entire squadron and took his wimpy little son as a prisoner of war. We’d gotten a pretty penny for his return. I’d received a letter that detailed exactly what the general intended to do to me once he had a chance.
I grunted, twisting in his grasp, too sore to fight as hard as I would’ve liked. I was too weak. Too tired from the battle. Suddenly someone was wrapping a rope tightly around my wrist. I took a swing at the unseen soldier, catching someone on the jaw, but coughing as that put more pressure on my throat.
I tried kick the general, but his arm was too long, and I could barely reach him—much less inflict any damage. Suddenly he had a dagger pressed against the bottom of my jaw, a smug smirk on his face. He pressed slightly harder, until his blade cut me. “Oh, look at that… the little warrioress bleeds.”
I clenched my jaw, already panting. “Unhand me, swine.”
He laughed cruelly. “Oh no… no, I’ve got you just where I want you, now.”
I shook my head, flinching as the dragon rumbled once more, feeling tears welling in my eyes. The things the general had done to me were terrible. In the course of a day I’d been beaten numerous times, put in the stocks, and not allowed to get a single moment of sleep. I was beyond exhausted—yet I knew that the worst was yet to come. I still had yet to see what would emerge from the dragon’s den.
“So this is the terror of the nations,” a deep, scratchy voice suddenly filled the air, seeming to come from all directions at once. A fear gripped the very center of my being.
I took another shaky breath, my body trembling, as I turned my eyes toward the dark doorway. I pushed myself up to my knees, carefully shaking the ropes off of my shoulders, my wrists still bound tightly in front of me.
“Rikanya Valkizet, I’ve heard much about you.” My eyes flicked around the top of the bowl. I couldn’t see a single person. Even the Tyraennians had retreated to safety. I felt my breath catch in my chest. “You’ve got quite the reputation.”
Tears spilled onto my cheeks. Tears saved up from many years of hard training and harsher treatment. Tears hidden from my uncles and my commanding officers. Tears that I carefully refused to shed in front of General Raheil, unwilling to give him any satisfaction. Suddenly my dignity didn’t seem strong enough to keep them hidden for any longer.
“Yet I’m not impressed by what I see.”
I knew I wasn’t an impressive sight at the moment. I’d gotten a glimpse in a mirror just before we set out on the journey this morning, to come to this godforsaken mountain. At dawn I had dark circles under my eyes and hair sticking up in all directions. Then I’d made a march that stopped only twice, for the soldiers to eat, though I received nothing when they did. Now I was blubbering.
“The mighty warrioress,” the deep voice continued in derision. “In tears, and without her sword. What would your Captain say?”
I clenched my jaw, forcing myself to take a deep breath.
“Hmm?” The voice prodded.
“I am the Captain,” I snarled, desperately wishing my voice sounded fierce, just one last time.
“Oh, she is the captain,” the voice mused. “I’m definitely impressed now.”
I rubbed my face on the shoulder of my under-tunic, my armor having been stripped from me shortly after the capture, desperately trying to clear the tears from my face. If I was going to die, I wanted to go with honor. I clenched my teeth, lifting my chin slightly.
“Either eat me or don’t,” I summoned every last bit of courage in my body.
“But I like to play with my food a bit before I do.”
The trembling was suddenly much worse. My arms were shaking violently. I could barely breathe. I closed my eyes tightly, willing the tears to stop. Wishing that the dragon would stop toying with me. I’d been trying to brace myself for being burnt alive. I’d never imagined to be taunted by dragon-scum before I was.
The ground shook again. “You’re just a little girl.”
I lifted my chin a bit higher. “I…” I sniffed. “No I’m not.”
“You are.”
I suddenly had an idea, and decided to switch my strategy. If the dragon had himself convinced that I was nothing more than a young girl, I figured I might be able to feign innocence and convince him to let me live. “I assure you, most excellent dragon,” my voice broke slightly. I swallowed hard and continued “I am not nearly as tender or fat as a young girl should be. A magnificent dragon such as yourself deserves much better than my tough hide.”
There was a snort. The voice that followed was amused. “Are you trying to flatter me?”
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hi Shady!
I am late, I know, but I am trying to catch up on all the posts I missed out on reviewing when I had a lot of schoolwork in December! And this means this one as well. I don't think I have too much to say because Flite and Timmy are amazing and wrote so much great feedback for you. I will try to focus on things that they didn't mention, which is very little. I agree with them on most points as well, though, if that means anything to you xD
I think this was an interesting idea. Of course, leave it to you, Shady, to be writing about dragons and revenge through high up positions. I sense a trend like that in your writing ^.^ I loved the ending to this chapter and the way the dragon kind of toyed with her, and in the end the dragon seems to be responding to the banter. It's hard to imagine your life resting on a single conversation, and I imagine her heart is pounding and she is scared for her life. But she still shows herself to be strong and brave, not giving up where many others might have resigned to their fate. You've done a good job of building up this character's personality in just the first chapter! I understood why you threw in the flashback, it did help us to gather some more information as to why she is there. But I will give you some reasons later as to why we didn't need it (yet, at least.)
One thing I can't remember is her name. I don't know if it is even mentioned anywhere in the chapter O.o Sometimes it is harder to remember these things when we get to writing in first person. But everyone seems to refer to her as 'warrioress' or 'princess' when you could've easily slipped her name in there instead, just so we would know what it is. Only because it's odd to have nameless character
As I mentioned at the beginning of the review, the flashback to me seemed a bit needless at this point. I got the impression that in this first chapter, you crammed a lot of information in. It wasn't an infodump, not necessarily, but it was a lot of things that we didn't need to know quite yet. In my opinion it would be more effective if we found out why the General was doing this to her in snippets that were sprinkled all through the first chapter or chapters. That way you could start to give a bit of reasoning here, just so we know there is something longstanding between her and the General and he is not randomly condemning her to death by dragon. But not giving away the whole game at the beginning either, because it could help in the suspense. Here's another example below:
In that paragraph we have a whole lot of telling about her past and situation, and reading it I wondered why we were getting so much information. We don't need to know all of this yet! Slow down, we could find out some of it in the future, possibly, so that it is more gradual. If you exhaust the readers and the story too soon, I wonder how you would insert little bits of backstory in future chapters...
Another thing I would've liked in this chapter would have been to see more of her senses. I did get the sense she was panicked, but I am sure you could've played up her emotions a bit more. She is in a pretty tough situation. I see her crying, but what else should I be picking up? Can she feel her cheek resting against the cool stone underneath her, desperately trying to ease her breathing? Can she hear the rumble of the dragon, smell it's smell as it approaches, feel her hands involuntarily trembling at her side? Someone on YWS once taught me about how every single sense is important when it comes to the important scenes. Usually, us writers end up focusing on sight. But if you bring the other four into play as well, then you can get an emotionally and visually descriptive scene which shines. And I think her scene before she starts talking with the dragon could use some of that magic to make it especially special
Okay, we get a bit of repetition here. In fact, when it comes to wording this chapter had a few issues with it. We get 'at the rope' and then 'the second rope' almost immediately afterwards. How about making the second one something like 'together and the other pinned my arms down...' no more repetition! Secondly, you mention that it tightly bound her wrists, and then were wrapped so tightly... I am seeing a bit too much of the same adverb here. We need a new descriptive word, or a synonym!
I feel like we just saw the word incline in the previous paragraph. And through the previous one, didn't we already know she was going there, so it doesn't need to be said again at all?
Oh no, not the word tight again! I think that needs a bit of replacing there... let's pull out those thesauruses for some more synonyms of the word...
Tightening... I get the impression that you really like this word
Can you have a view appear immediately in front of you? I don't think so, because it would always be gradually coming into your eyesight point. So maybe you should look for a different word to begin the sentence with which makes more sense with the idea of a view being there.
For some reason I am being extremely picky today xD I think almost certain sounds better, for some reason. Nearly certain makes it sound like with enough time, they will be certain. Almost certain makes it sound like they might never be sure, for all we know.
I think there is a vital element to these sentences missing. And that is a mention of 'before I could do anything.' From the way this is written, in two separate sentences it gives me the impression that there is a slight pause or enough time in between his actions for her try attempt an escape. But by saying before she could do anything he gave her a swift push, then it makes it seem like she didn't even have an instant to act. You could even have him casually pushing her off with his elbow as he is sheathing the dagger just to show how quick the movement was, if you want.
And? She mentions this, but she is just telling us. In that moment I want to know exactly how she feels when she realizes the man who threatened her now has his hold on her. Is she scared? Worried that he will follow through? Thinking of her men dying around her? I wanted to know, and it made that statement seem a bit unfinished. It had the promise that more emotion was going to tag along with it, but then it didn't.
There is a repetition of the word 'yet' in both these sentences, and I think you could cut it from the second sentence easily. If you just get rid of the repeated word, the second sentence still makes sense.
I know you have tagged me in other chapters, and I will be reading/reviewing them all
Deanie x
Timmy here
I lost my hat in the Ueathe Mountains, in Therol. Forgive me for the delay. >.< I can't review without my hat.
You and your fantasy. It's a Shady trademark. :3 I love every story you give us here, and I have no idea how you manage to write so many different fantasy stories, and have them all end up completely unique from each other. o.o I sense a very similar voice throughout them, and the character's spirit is always there - just the main character you seem to chose each time - but the story and the plot is always so much different from the previous. You're gonna have to show me your magic someday. Perhaps an elixir? Or a special vitamin? I KNOW. You do a special kind of yoga. That has to be it. You need to show me this yoga stuff you do, or just point me out to the book on Amazon. Because I want to know your secret.
Oh, and thank you for putting the [title pending] thing in there. I almost died from reading the title. heehee
I want you to envision something. You're watching this movie, and you're just going along Nom Nom on your popcorn, while the character is about to be eaten by a dragon (random example, of course), and suddenly, you're transported in the middle of that to a different time - leaving the scene open and unresolved. So I am really just repeating myself here with what Flite said. The flashback scene seemed as though you wrote the chapter, and then went: "OH, I need more." and inserted some the memories to give the reader some past information, and the description of the dragon...which I would have preferred to have the full bit of that in the now - and not from the flashback. Remember that since you're writing a novel here, you have room to fill your readers in on all this background information. You don't, don't want to cram them with all the stuff they need to know in the first chapter, and you don't want them walking away with all the knowledge. This is the first chapter. Should I know who she is, and who she worked for, and what she ate for breakfast on Tuesday, on December 23rd, 1342? No, all that information is important, but pulling a reader into your story is even more important. And the first chapter is supposed to do that. If you've sucked your reader in the first chapter, then it's a success. Don't worry about answering all their questions - those are good. Ask many questions, and give them answers as you go along in the book.
adverb: tightly
adverb: tightly
adverb: immediately
roughly
mentally
swiftly
entirely
suddenly
suddenly
So I am just giving you a few examples of the adverbs I saw in this chapter (just pulling them out as I read, I stopped right at the flashback). A writing mentor once told me: "the road to hell is paved with adverbs" And that saying is absolutely correct. In many places, they weaken the sentence, and they're not tight writing. Sometimes they don't add anything (entirely care), one's like swiftly moved could be tightened and even changed into one word - like slashed. Instead of telling us they were wrapped tightly, you could show us how they were - digging into her wrists, cutting off blood circulation, where she couldn't move anything at all (impossible to even struggle, then). You know what I'm saying. Work with it. It isn't that adverbs are useless, but that more often than not, you can find a stronger word to put in an adverb+verb's place to make the entire sentence tighter.
I didn't like the transition into the flashback much, but I don't even know how to do one properly. >.< I gave up trying to transition smoothly from the different scenes, and epically failed when I did it. But work on the transition there, and perhaps you could give a reason for her "memories to fill her minds' eye". Besides her light-headedness. Have her see something, do something - anything which may spark a memory of her past, which would initiate the flashback sequence. YUS. Let's sound all sophisticated, too.
Another thing I am wondering now is: would the dragon really see her as a soldier at all? You say that she isn't wearing any armor or anything. So if she has no armor, has no sword, and he doesn't recognize her (seemed like she was a stranger), then he wouldn't think her a warrior, right? She would have to tell him. Just seems odd. But this is the first chapter, so you're allowed to have some un-answered questions roaming the dark. :3 They're good things. Makes me want to stick around to find out more.
Their conversation was the greatest. I like this dragon. Even if he enjoys having girls for lunch, he has a fun sense of humor. And she has an attitude and lots of spirit, as all your main characters do. :3 And you always put them in such trouble straight off the bat. >.< Which is perfect, and just the way you should be doing it. Yes, put her in trouble as soon as you can so the reader continues to be interested. Who wants to read a three-hundred and fifty page novel about a tea party, anyway? You always do an amazing job keeping things a fun read. ^.^
Ping me for the next chapter, because there will be another one. If there isn't, I'll kill you. Terribly sorry.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hm well, that was an interesting story indeed. And amusing, this is part one? It looks more like the start of a novella to me. xP. Anyways, I won't ramble on for too long, let's get straight into it.
I usually say the technical things first and do a summary, but I think for you. I will swap it around. You're obviously used to writing fantasy, you have a solid voice for your characters, your structure and the overall pacing. I like what you have here, in a very short amount of time, you've built up quite a strong character and a nicely constructed background. This seems more like the start of a novella than a short story (even if it is in parts).
I think you can do somewhat better with the description of the ropes here. You've repeated the the ropes were tight two times and by just saying that doesn't actually give the readers a very strong visual impact on exactly how tight the ropes are. Is the old show and tell again, showing red indentations on her skin or raw skin might actually be more powerful than just saying they were wrapped tightly.
This could just be me, however long minutes just doesn't seem to be the right term here. Long minutes...I don't even know what to think now. Are the minutes long, if so, how many were they? Did they escalate into hours or what?
This is the best. The conversation they had was just amazing, it was splendidly amusing. *is still chuckling*
I'm actually somewhat curious as to how the scene between the dragon and Rik would play out. I get the feeling though I don't think the dragon will kill her, judging from what I've read some far at least not before a good conversation.
As you can see, I don't have that much to say about this however there are two things I would like you to consider.
Firstly, is the battle scene in which Rik was captured by the General. I'm not sure what her gift was but it seemed to be the ability to fend of dragons better than most. And for this, she has trained many hours for it. If so, shouldn't she already know what most dragon's weaknesses are. I know not all of them is the same, but she should have a general idea as to how to strike and where to attack. In the battle scene, it seemed as if she wasn't experienced about the fighting and was just sort of winging it. But from her background, I think the battle should have been slightly different.
Also, some more information on the General, his background, who he is and why he wants her would also be nice. I got the general gist of things but don't quite understand his motive for capturing here. Therefore, I found the lack of context somewhat disappointing. The same ing goes with the dragon, you will probably be mentioning this in your later parts. But, providing the readers with some context would actually help us to get a clearer understanding of what's happening.
Secondly, the incorporation of the flashback. Frankly, I don't know much about flashbacks so I'm merely giving you a personal opinion here. I thought the flashback was rather forced into the chapter, you needed the flashback because you needed the background information. But it has just been slapped onto the page.
Word such as, 'memories suddenly appeared' is vey cliche for a flashback and it just makes the flashback extremely obvious. I think there should be just exposition before the flashback,a sentence or two that will lead up to it. The same thing with ending the flashback, if the dragon rumbled before why didn't she snap back into reality?
One more question on my part, the last sentence of the flashback really left me hanging. What did the General want with her?
Overall, I like this story a lot. You've got a good plot, nice characters and you know where you're going (background info and all). Gimme a ping when you update this, I'll come running.
If you have any questions, please feed free to PM me.
-Flite
What if you call this "Warrioress Of Tyraennian"? Would that be a good enough title? Also you should definetly write a part two because this was really good.