Never Ending Darkness- Chapter Four

by Shady

Published May 14, 2014

E - Everyone Violence

In Early Works

Kyanna Rosenfeld

It was still dark when I woke to Father calling my name. I groaned and rubbed my face, my body achy and sore, protesting the fact that it was already being called upon to move again. The headache still lingered from the previous night, and I could see the blood-red colored marks from Mikaelson’s fingernails decorating my forearms. Today wasn’t going to bed fun.

“Are you awake yet, dearest daughter?”

I tried to judge by his tone how long he’d been trying to wake me up. He didn’t sound very annoyed, but scarcely called me “dearest daughter” unless I was nearly in trouble. I stopped trying to figure how annoyed he was. Instead, I drew a deep breath and rolled out of bed, muttering something at him that was unintelligible even to me.

Clumsily I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and struggled into the old outfit I wore to do the morning farm chores. I started down the ladder, but slipped on one of the lower rungs. A moment later I found myself sprawled across the hard wooden floor. I blinked groggily, glaring at the treacherous ladder for a long moment before I grunted and pushed myself back to my feet.

“Are you alright?” Father’s voice sounded slightly amused.

“Fine.” This early in the morning it took far too much effort to give anything longer than a one word answer. I started toward the door, rolling up the sleeves of Father’s old flannel shirt that hung around my shoulders, far too big on my small frame.

“As full of sunshine as ever, I see.”

“There’s no sun in sight.” I glared at his outline, only barely visible in the flickering candlelight. I never understood why he was always so happy in the mornings. I stumbled into my boots, half-falling against the wall as I did, then started outside, muttering under my breath but being sure I was loud enough he could hear. “I hate morning people.”

Arlonn Rosenfeld

The door shut loudly, a final protest before she started her chores. I chuckled softly, shaking my head. It never ceased to amuse me how much she grumbled in the mornings. She never grumbled about her chores or the soreness that must constantly be in her body from the long hours she worked, at least not to me, but it was a daily thing for her to grumble about morning and morning people.

I moved my hand, feeling the items around my chair until I came to my weaving supplies. I picked up the partially weaved basket from the night before, and finished the piece I’d already started. I needed Kya to tell me which orders my colors were in before I could do any more. She should be back in soon.

I sighed as I realized what I was thinking and rubbed my face. It was frustrating to be so dependent on my daughter. I missed the days when I had use of my own eyes, and didn’t have to rely on Kya to lay all of my work out for me; missed the days when I acted like a man and cared for my baby girl, instead of the other way around.

I shook myself, trying to stop pouting, wondering why a wave of self-pity suddenly washed over me. Pouting was something I didn’t allow in my children, and it was a habit I didn’t intend to take up. Besides, I’d decided a long time previous, shortly after I was injured and my baby girl had to take my place in the mines, that I’d be happy for Kya, even if I couldn’t do anything else for her anymore. Poor Kyanna, forced to take care of our farm lest the king should seize it and force us into the streets, and forced into the mines to save my life.

I cringed to think about it. Sometimes I wished God would take me home; I was sure that me not being around as a burden would lighten her heavy load. If I was certain that the despot king, may he die tomorrow, would allow her to stop working once in his bloody Imperial Mines once there was no male in the household, I would have quickened the process of me going to glory. I shook my head again, closing my eyes tightly. Happy. Be happy.

Kyanna Rosenfeld

The sun was risen enough by the time I exited the barn I could see without a lamp, even though I still couldn’t see the sun itself. I rubbed my face again, mostly awake now, and walked back to the house, toting the eggs and milk I gathered. I walked into the kitchen, glancing toward Father’s chair. His eyes were closed, which usually meant he was thinking.

I swallowed, setting the things in my arms down. “Um…”

He opened his eyes, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “Yes?”

“I’m going to go check on Auron now.” I grabbed the mending out of the crate I kept it in, and I continued quickly before he could argue. “I really need him to start mending this shirt I accidentally got a hole in the other day.”

There was a moment’s pause, and I saw Father’s brow crease in a disapproving frown. He grunted, then nodded his head slowly. “…Alright, but be careful. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you what would happen if a soldier saw you.”

“Yes sir.” I murmured, grabbing a loaf of bread and starting out the door once more. I shut the door softly behind me, and carefully looked around the clearing that surrounded my house. There were large footprints in the soft dirt below me, and the crates were still scattered about—but there was no soldier to be found. I started up the hill.

Auron Rosenfeld

A twig snapping nearby my hideout pulled me from my slumber. My breath caught, chest tight, as I strained to hear what was outside my hole. I swallowed hard, heart racing in my chest as my imagination was suddenly awake and active. The soldiers found me. I was going to be thrown in prison. My family was already imprisoned. I was going to—

“Auron.” A whisper reached me as a shadow passed over the small opening of my home.

I recognized the owner of the voice. I scrambled out of my dugout as quickly as I could. “Kyanna!”

“Shh,” She chuckled, hugging me tightly. “How is my favorite brother today?”

I smiled, even though I knew she really didn’t have a choice but to pick me as her favorite. “I’m okay, but you scared me last night. Why didn’t you come? What happened? I thought I heard something—“

“Long story,” She interrupted, not unkindly. “But I’m here now, and that’s all that matters.”

“…Right.” I agreed slowly, as I finally released her from my hug.

“I brought you food.” She said, holding out a glorious loaf of bread to me. I smiled again. My stomach was so empty and sore. “And mending.”

I was happy to help with the mending too. I wasn’t the best at sewing, and it was certainly something I wouldn’t pick to do—but I was still glad I could do something to help my sister. She was doing so much for me. My eyes flicked across her, and landed on the cuts on her arms. “What happened?”

“What? Oh, nothing.” She tugged at the sleeves that partially covered her forearms, trying to cover the marks.

“What happened to your arms? Was it a soldier?”

“Yep.” Her voice was utterly devoid of emotion as she gathered up the small basket that I’d weaved the previous day along with the materials I didn’t use. “But don’t worry about it. I’m fine. Really.”

I frowned at her. I knew my sister. She was never fine when she said she was, especially not when a soldier was involved. She was just too prideful to admit when someone hurt her. “Was it my fault?”

“Of course not, don’t be daft.”

I frowned, looking down. She was also too kind to tell me when I caused her to be hurt. She always took the blame, whether it was her fault or not. Whenever I made the soldiers angry, however I did, I still wasn’t quite sure what I’d done, she came and made me this hideout and told me it was her fault that the soldiers wanted me.

“Auron.” She said, firmly grasping my shoulder. I looked at her hand. It was dirty and cracked, evidence of the abuse she put it through each day. It also seemed huge. Her fingers could have wrapped all the way around my upper arm if she wanted. She was constantly getting taller, and stronger, and prettier—and I was still the same, sickly, scrawny kid I was when I was eight. I looked up at her.

“It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.” I smiled weakly, wishing that were true. She patted my back reassuringly. “Just eat and finish mending. You’re a huge help to me, Aur. I really appreciate everything you do.”

“Yeah.” My voice was so soft I could barely hear it.

“I need to go now,” she said. Back to the mines. I threw my arms around her waist and hugged tightly, wishing she didn’t have to leave me. Wishing I could be the one leaving her with mending to do, while I went to work in the mines. When I get bigger and stronger, I’ll take her place.

Jareth Ainsley

Coal dust was sticking to every surface by the time we managed to emerge from the mouth of the cave. My clothes, my hair, my skin—Kyanna’s clothes, and hair, and skin. I looked her over and shook my head, sending a small poof of black dust into the air. The coal-covered baggy clothes she wore looked ridiculous on her small frame.

She looked at me innocently and smiled, pointing to my cheek. “You’ve got a bit of dust…everywhere.”

I gave her a half-hearted smile, knowing she’d keep trying to amuse me until she succeeded.

“Yeah, bad joke, I know, sorry. I’m tired.” She smiled apologetically.

“Yet you’re still happy.” I turned and started toward the office.

She was close behind. “Yep.”

I rolled my eyes as I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to brush out some of the coal dust before I went inside. “Well, you can take your happiness and go on home. We’re done for tonight.”

“Are you sure?” She asked sweetly.

I pulled my filthy shirt off and turned to look at her, using the balled fabric to wipe some of the coal dust from my arms. She looked as exhausted as I felt, her eyelids drooping despite her efforts to look energetic. “I’m sure. Go home, go to bed.”

“Yes, sir.” She said, nodding. She wasn’t heading to bed, and we both knew it. She was going to go back to her place and start working again, like she always did. I nodded my goodbye to her, and turned toward a basin of water I kept outside my office, as a preliminary bath before I went inside.

She turned and started walking away, but I heard her sweet voice singing softly as she left. I stopped splashing to listen. “Your love never fails, it never runs out, it never gives up on me. Your love nev—” Suddenly I couldn’t hear her voice anymore. I turned around, frowning, wondering why she’d stopped so abruptly.

She was nowhere in sight. I started toward the building on the corner, fearing what could be starling enough to make her stop singing mid-phrase. While I was still a dozen strides from the edge of the building I heard a loud thump, then the entire shed shook like something was thrown against it, hard.

I quickened my pace, hurrying to get around the side of the small building. My chest was strangely tight, my breath coming with far more difficulty than it should have. I hesitated when I saw what laid before me. Kyanna, pinned against the building by a soldier, a second soldier standing nearby. She was glaring up at them even though she looked tiny and scared.

“You’ll tell us where you’re hiding that brat.”

“Over my dead body.” She spat.

“That can be arranged.” The soldier holding her hissed, as he slammed her against the wall once more. I cringed at the sound her back colliding with the building. I started toward them once more.

“Mikaelson.” The second soldier said sharply.

The one holding Kyanna looked up at the other. “Sir?”

“That’s enough. We’ve got something better coming for the brats anyway.”

Kyanna frowned, suspicious, as her eyes flicked between the two of them. The first soldier, Mikaelson, smiled cruelly but released Kya. “Sir.”

She glared at both of them for a long moment, before doing a stiff curtsy and starting toward her farm once more. She was limping slightly, but seemed mostly unharmed. I glared at the soldiers, hate welling in my chest once more. I wished the king and his soldiers would all go die in a fire somewhere, and leave me and my friends alone.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
DudeMcGuy
Review
DudeMcGuy wrote a review Review · May 27, 2014

Hi Shadow,

Here with another review!

A few things first:

rolling up the sleeves of Father’s old flannel shirt


Good description, but "flannel" feels out of place in this world. (One with old Kings and such). Maybe you could try something else here?

Moving on... The first paragraph of Arlonn's perspective uses the word "grumble" too much. (Like Deanie said) You could mix in a "whine" or "complain" in there to mix it up.

Besides, I’d decided a long time previous, shortly after I was injured and my baby girl had to take my place in the mines, that I’d be happy for Kya, even if I couldn’t do anything else for her anymore.


This sentence is too long (4 commas!). The information about Kya having to take her father's place in the mines is something that we already know from the previous chapters. So you could just have
"I decided shortly after my injury that I’d be happy for Kya, even if I couldn't do anything else for her anymore."

Given this is the 4th chapter, "after my injury" should be all that is needed for the reader to understand the context.

If I was certain that the despot king, may he die tomorrow, would allow her to stop working once in his bloody Imperial Mines once there was no male in the household, I would have quickened the process of me going to glory.


"may he die tomorrow" is great, great character building right there. The bold part is confusing. I think you should cut the first "once" and it would read a lot better. Also, "quickened the process" sounds a little too robotic for someone talking about dying.

The sun was risen enough by the time I exited

"was high enough".

I recognized the owner of the voice. I scrambled out of my dugout as quickly as I could.

Kind of awkward phrasing here. Just cut the bold. Although it sounds cool, it just doesn't read well because of "owner" (It's his sister after all). I would also combine both sentences with "and".


OK, so I liked this chapter as well. It got off to a rocky start though IMO. Switching from Kya to Arlonn and back to Kya was awkward. I feel like there wasn't much going on in terms of the plot in that first part with Kya. I think you could actually cut it and give us all of her grumbling from Arlonn's perspective.

This would make Arlonn's part longer and also give us more insight into him. He probably knows her well enough to know that she isn't a morning person. So you could give us that scene in his perspective and then continue the chapter as is. That's what I would do/try. Kyanna's second part should also be expanded as well. In fact you could try writing all three of those sections under one character (preferably Arlonn I think) and see how that works out.

Because right now they are so short that it makes them hard to stand out on their own/ contribute to the plot.

The chapter got better from there though, and the Kya-Aur part was my favorite section of CH.4 You captured their relationship well here through Auron's eyes. I really enjoyed the whole chapter, but this part especially. Finally, Jereth was a good contribution to finish up the day/chapter.

This was a good chapter, if a little rough in some places. But I'm wondering when things are going to start to change or if Kya or Arlonn are coming up with some kind of plan to change their situation. Their plight has been well established over these introductory chapters, but I haven't really gotten an Idea of what 's to come. They're in a terrible situation, but there isn't really much hope or foreshadowing here of how they can turn things around.

Interested to see where things go from here... (And always happy to read :) ).
-Dude

User avatar
TimmyJake
Review
TimmyJake wrote a review Review · May 21, 2014

Sorry it took me so long to get here! Nargals stopped me on the road. It was a perilous journey!

Nitpicks, first!!! Aren't you excited? :D

blood-red colored marks


I think scratches would be more appropriate here than marks.

Clumsily I pulled my hair back into a po


I think you mean, I clumsily

I moved my hand, feeling the items around my chair until I came to my weaving supplies. I picked up the partially weaved basket from the night before, and finished the piece I’d already started. I needed Kya to tell me which orders my colors were in before I could do any more.


Three sentences in a row begin with "I". Its easy to fall into that, but also easy to pull out. Try alternative sentence openings.

Comments on story

So there weren't many nitpicks to go through. Good for you, and good for me! :D You really know how to pull them out before posting, something I can never manage.

I wasn't expecting that soldier, Mikaelson, to be the culprit again. He always seems to be the one hitting and bullying her around. Maybe Jareth should take an axe to him someday.

The father, oh I love her father. He is so awesome. Has no eyesight, nothing, and yet he still manages to find good in the world. Has to! Otherwise no one will find anything to see worth living in the world. He is my favorite character, I think.

I am still a little puzzled by Jareth. He does seem to care somewhat... But its almost as if he doesn't know what to think. Of Kyanna, of himself, of the soldiers. He hates them, but doesn't seem to know what to do to stop them--yet. I think I see an important role forming in him. :)
Keep going strong!
~Darth Timmyake

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · May 14, 2014

Hey Shady!

Ooh another chapter. This one was nice because we got to see Auron again and you briefly mentioned the reason why Kyanna had to be working in the mines and on the farm (thank you for that <3) I liked this chapter, although I didn't find it as strong as your other ones. I tried to think of why this was, but I think it's down to the emotion in it. We don't get to hear much of it, because it's more so what they are doing in this chapter. One place where I would've really liked to see it was when Jareth caught the two soldiers messing Kya at the end of the chapter. From what I've read it seems like he gets there and just stands nearby, which is enough to ward them off. But he should be angry, and upset. Maybe you should mention how he was restraining himself from beating them up, but he knew what the consequences of hitting a soldier would be. It would then almost make that last sentence in the chapter less surprising and more befitting seeing as the anger was mentioned earlier.

Auron is so cute <3 His nickname is Aur, right? I thought maybe it might sound better as Auro... I don't know why, that's just my opinion :P

Today wasn’t going to bed fun.


A mini typo here.

Clumsily I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and struggled into the old outfit I wore to do the morning farm chores. I started down the ladder, but slipped on one of the lower rungs. A moment later I found myself sprawled across the hard wooden floor. I blinked groggily, glaring at the treacherous ladder for a long moment before I grunted and pushed myself back to my feet.


So this was something I had never experienced with your writing, but I guess because this is a chapter mostly filled with actions - whatever the character is doing all in first person, I found there were a lot of sentences with 'I' at the beginning of them. It can be hard to change this but perhaps add more thoughts or dialogue to it. Otherwise it looks a bit repetitive and can get boring :/ And we don't want that!

how much she grumbled in the mornings. She never grumbled about her chores or the soreness that must constantly be in her body from the long hours she worked, at least not to me, but it was a daily thing for her to grumble about morning and morning people.


We hear the word 'grumbled' a bit too much here for my liking. Synonyms needed?

Poor Kyanna, forced to take care of our farm lest the king should seize it and force us into the streets, and forced into the mines to save my life.


This sentence got a bit confusing because there were so many 'forced's in here. I would suggest synonyms again or rephrasing the sentence. Other than that though, this was really needed and appreciated here.

“You’ve got a bit of dust…everywhere.”


This seems like something I mention a lot on YWS to various people :D If you want to use full stops like that, there needs to be a space in between the two words or you are unintentionally connecting them. So...not like this. But really... like this!

I am sorry this was so short >.> I am seriously tired and wondering how much sleep I can get before school. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Deanie x

Shady replied · May 14, 2014

Thank you! <3



I’ll paraphrase Thoreau here... Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness, give me truth.
— Christopher Johnson McCandless