Skylar Arrington
The Captain of the police was surprisingly easy to trick. I mused about how easy it’d been to slip a few shots into his mug of beer, and how much easier it was to coax him into buying me a drink, as I helped him into the motel room and pretended not to notice as his hand wandered down my back.
I glanced around room. It wasn’t much, but it would do. I pushed him down on the bed. "It's okay. You'll be fine here tonight.”
“You’re a pretty little thing.” I sat down close beside him and stroked his scruffy cheek. He wrapped his arm around me. "Oh, if I weren't married..."
"What does that matter?" I cooed, running my hand down his chest, carefully calculating my every move. He was like putty in my hands. I'd get the photos I needed in an instant. "She doesn't need to know."
“She’ll… she worries.”
“She sounds like a buzzkill,” I murmured as I crawled into his lap, straddling his leg and kissing his cheek. The Chief looked down at my chest for a long moment, his hands slowly stroking my legs, before he caved to the temptation and ripped my shirt off. He kissed my neck for a long moment then buried his face in my chest. He was so drunk he didn’t even notice that I was taking pictures.
He quickly lost motivation. He managed to get me stripped to the waist and got his own shirt off with a little help, but didn’t make it much further before he laid back on the bed and cuddled up to me, burying his face in my hair. I snuggled into his chest then pulled my cellphone out again.
I crawled on top of him, pressing my bare chest against his, being careful that the angle didn’t actually show anything. I didn’t need nude shots of me floating around. I quietly stood up and got dressed once more, looking down at the middle-aged man who slept on the bed before me.
If I were a decent person, I would feel bad about playing with him like this. He was too stupid. I shouldn't take advantage of his idiocy. Not like he could help it. I didn’t care. I'd done worse. I grabbed a pen from table by the bed and carefully took his hand in my own, then wrote:
I'm 16, love
–Sky <3
I hoped he wouldn’t have a heart attack when he woke. I wanted blackmail to lord over him, not another murder on my hands. He'd be useless to me if he ended up dead. I didn’t like doing the dirty work when murder was involved anyway. I kissed his cheek then slipped into the peaceful night outside.
~ * ~ * ~
I walked along the dark sidewalk, enjoying the utter silence that enveloped me. Most people had long since gone to bed. All of the houses were dark. I took a deep breath, looking up at the star-spotted night sky so far above me. It was times like this that I really felt alive. The night life. That was where interesting people could be found.
I frowned as my phone started buzzing. I didn't like phone calls and I’d made sure that everyone knew that texts were a much safer way to reach me. Especially in the middle of the night. I was enjoying my solitary walk, and now someone was making it much less solitary.
"What?"
"Where are you?" Corbin, the man I'd been living with for a few months, demanded. He normally didn't care what I did, as long as I was around often enough for him to get his pleasures and give me his orders.Not that I usually did what he said.
"Where I told you I'd be," I glanced up at the name of the street sign in front of me as I pulled my pipe out of my pocket and fumbled for a lighter. "Near Holly Lane, a few streets down from the motel. I just left the cop. Why?"
"I'm sending someone to get you."
I took a long draw from the pipe.
“I think you might be in danger. Cohen ratted.”
I choked on the smoke. “What?”
“I don’t have details. I called as soon as I heard they had him.”
I slid my pipe back in my pocket, suddenly too distracted to care about getting high anymore. I rubbed my face, my mind instantly flying through the many ways he could get me in trouble and all the jail time I’d probably serve if he did. "I'm going to kill that bastard.”
“I’ve already got people on that,” he assured me.
"This is why you shouldn't let idiots work for you," I snapped, cutting down a side street.
"I know, babe, I'm sorry," he sounded sincere. "He won’t bother you anymore.”
“That’s not exactly going to help me now,” I sighed, looking around, desperately wishing there was something-- anything-- that I could use to my advantage. All I saw was a small neighborhood slowly morphing from dark houses to a darker forest. I
"Oh," Corbin cursed.
"What is it?"
Suddenly my beautiful, silent night was disturbed by the sound of sirens close by. I sighed rubbed my face hanging up the phone and sliding it in my pocket as I sat down on the curb. I figured I knew what he had to say. It was pointless to even try to escape now. I had very little interest in becoming a fugitive running through a forest. I had an image to uphold. Dignity was important.
Soon the abrasive flashing lights were hurting my eyes. I took a deep breath and buried my face in my knees as I tried to think of an alibi. As I tried to stay calm and pretend that my stomach wasn’t tying itself into knots. I was sunk, regardless of what I said. We all knew it.
I heard guns cocking and finally looked up. The chief of police's second in command was easy to spot, even in the dark, from exasperated way he looked at me as he stepped forward with a tired sigh. He could be worse about fretting over me than my brothers were. “Skylar Arrington."
“Howdy, Captain,” I nodded my head toward him.
"I want your hands in the air.” He said, obviously not in the mood to play. “Get on your knees."
"Is that really necessary?" I lifted my hands in the air. "We all know I'm a docile little pet. I wouldn't do anything."
"On your knees," he said a bit more firmly.
I rocked forward onto my knees with a dramatic sigh. An officer started forward cautiously, his pistol pointing straight at my head. I looked back at Captain Fortier. “Why do I always get such special treatment when I never fight back? It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.”
“Oh, shut up,” he snapped.
I looked at him a bit harder, curious at the cold edge to his voice. The officer near me took advantage of my momentary distraction, stepping forward when I wasn’t watching him and snapping the cuffs on my wrists, tightly, then pressing my face into the still-warm asphalt.
Rough hands moved down my body, quickly finding my pipe and lighter and taking them, but finding nothing else. A moment later two officers grabbed my arms and hauled me to my feet, then roughly pushed me over to the Captain.
“I swear, the Arringtons are ganging up on me tonight,” the Captain complained, glowering down at me. He sighed loudly when the officer dropped my pipe into his hand. “Really, Sky? Really?”
I lifted a shoulder. He slapped the back of my head, waving his hand at one of the other officers to read me my rights. The Captain pushed me into the backseat of his cruiser, warning me that he’d better not hear a sound out of me. Soon we were on our way to the police station that was becoming all-too-familiar to me.
~ * ~ * ~
Captain Fortier wasn’t in a good mood tonight. He leaned against the wall, arms cross, glaring at me as one of the officers took my finger prints and asked me a seemingly endless string of questions. His silent anger was worse than his lecturing.
“I’m still not quite sure what charges I was arrested on,” I tried to make him say something.
“You’re sure you want to talk about that?” He looked at me challengingly.
“Maybe not?” I’d learned that silence was often the best stategy.
“Maybe not,” he agreed. “Besides, the charges we had weren’t as bad as what we found.”
I looked at him suspiciously. I knew he was annoyed about my drugs. But he certainly wouldn’t be the most upset about them if he knew what else I was involved with. I couldn’t help but wonder why he’d arrested me in the first place.
“Oh, stop giving me that look,” he took a step nearer to me. “You know all the higher powers send me out to fetch ya, since none of them seem to be able to catch up.”
“Yeah,” I sighed. That was either really good or really bad for me. “Who is it this time?”
“Do I ever tell you that?”
“You could, you know,” I suggested, knowing fully well that he wasn’t going to tell me. He often arrested me and kept me in a cell for a few days, until some man in dark sunglasses trying to be very mysterious and intimidating came and questioned me.
“You could try behaving, for once.”
I smirked at him for a moment, wondering how long I was staying here. Sometimes they forced me to pose for a picture, sometimes they didn’t. It usually depended on if I deserved to be arrested or if I was only being detained for questioning. “You gonna take my picture?”
“No,” he barely glanced at me before hastily looking away, obviously wishing he were anywhere but here, having a conversation with me in the police station in the middle of the night.
“What?” I prodded.
“No,” he repeated a bit more forcefully, turning a frustrated glare on me. “We’re all very familiar with what you look like, Sky. God knows you’re here too often for us to forget.”
I smirked again. “Fine, then, which cell will it be this time?”
“Nope!” He put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me toward the door. “I’m afraid this is a catch and release sort of drill tonight.”
I glared at him over my shoulder for just a moment before another man caught my attention. Staggering down the hallway was a man who looked half-dead. His shaggy brown hair was disheveled and partly covering his swollen, bruised face. His blue eyes were small slits, barely open, glaring down at his scuffed cowboy boots. I recognized him instantly.
“Looks like you’ve had better nights,” I smirked. “Brother, dear.”
Ryker glared at me a moment then looked back down with a grunt. “Amazing observation.”
“You need a haircut,” I reached up and flipped his hair as he neared me.
“Too drunk to care.”
It wasn’t a hard puzzle to put together. “Get in another bar fight?”
“Talk later,” Captain Fortier pushed us toward the door. “You’ve got a schedule to keep.”
“Schedule?” I turned to frown at him as I pushed the door open. “You said catch and release.”
“That’s right,” he answered, walking through the door after us. “I caught, now I’m releasing.”
I followed his gaze to the curb. A small shiny black car was waiting for us, two burly men dressed in black suits standing outside of it, waiting for their catch. I rolled my eyes, looking back at the captain with a sigh. I almost wished he’d keep me. He smirked.
“Ooh, we’re in trouble now,” I said sarcastically, glancing at Ryker as I walked toward the car.
“Still too drunk to care.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey Shady!

I said I would be back, didn't I?
Yes! I am so happy to see that there are siblings in this story and that they are both the main character. Sometimes I have enough of that love interest switching point of view and would love to see more novels like this. And it seems like both these siblings are troublemakers, which means we could have a lot of fun with characters like this. I am looking forward to it ^.^ And already we get to see the banter between them, which made me smile. The title to the novel also already makes sense to me, which is another thing to make me happy. In general, this chapter made me happy to see where this is going so far! It seems like Skylar is a bit young to be doing the things she is, which makes me wonder how she got set up with all this business in the first place (that is, if she is actually sixteen. She could've been lying to bother the chief. If not, maybe clarify that this is her true age) and I wonder if she simply followed her brother into the business.
Whaa? I feel like we're missing out on the action with this paragraph! It seems to sum everything up and skim over it as if you simply wanted to get to this scene and basically disregard everything else. But wouldn't it be so much cooler if this was a little bit longer and we get introduced to her as the manipulative minx, seeing the way she manages to slowly get the Chief drunk and being to her will all the time? Personally, that is something I would like to see and if done right would intrigue me to know more about the character. Especially as this is the first time we are getting to meet her.
I did tell myself to stay away from nitpicks because it seemed like a lot of people had already covered that. But I did want to say that it was hard to know that it was him talking. Because you follow that tag with an I it makes it seem like it is her saying it. So I would advise you to have his dialogue tag attached to it before you switch back into narrative for a bit.
I didn't really like this paragraph so much
I wonder, why is she so scared of this police and feeling nervous about everything when she has escaped from the police before, from the way she is thinking about it? Or does she have a feeling that this time if she goes something worse might happen (as in foreshadowing) or maybe because of the guy who spilled the beans on her? I wanted to know her feelings behind that emotion a bit more.
Now this left me confused. She wanted to know why he'd arrested her, but seconds ago he asked her if she was sure she wanted to know why and she said no! That's contradicting and a little bit confusing... If she really did want to know, just have her say yes. I think you are trying to add some mystery here, but make sure her responses and speech match up to what she is saying.
I don't think there is anything more here for me to comment on. I have one more chapter to go until I am all caught up, so I better speed off and get to that one!
Deanie x
As "captain" isn't being used in a title here, I don't think it needs to be capitalized. A side note- perhaps you should name him, so we know whether it's the same captain every time?
I'd say the following sentences render this one redundant.
Might want to reword this to avoid starting one more sentence with "I".
I think you can get away with taking out "anyway" and starting the sentence with "besides".
One thing I'd like to know is her motive behind the note. Is she bragging about her age? Trying to get him in even more trouble?
Not bad; now it you just reword it a little...
Personally I'd nix those dashes. It's up to you, though.
What happened? If she's done this a hundred times, why the sudden loss of confidence?
Hello.
Haven't read previous parts. Just going off what I see here.
You have quite a lot of dialogue punctuation errors in here. I'd suggest proofreading and fixing them.
One thing that jumped out at me was how every single time you had dialogue, it started the paragraph. This gets really repetitive because you're reading down and there's a huge line of quotation marks on the right of the page, when there really doesn't need to be. Lines like:
Can very easily be flipped around to:
When you do this, you not only break up the line of quotation marks, but you also give us an indication of how things are said using body language. You don't end up having to give a bunch of description for how the words are said because it's already established partway because of the tag. While you're pretty good about tags being invisible, it'd be good to mix up your tags going before the dialogue periodically.
There's also a certain amount of stiffness in the action, where you mix emotions and actions together, but it can end up a little detached, especially when you get into dialogue. The dialogue ends up a little talking heads like, where there isn't much around the dialogue itself. It leads to the relationships feeling a little sparse.
Past that, I enjoyed this. The voice is pretty solid, the banter is enjoyable, and you have a certain amount of history already established. It just seems to need a little more polish and a little more flow to it.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Timmy heere :3
Your characters in your stories seem to be... original. I will give them that. xD They seem to be somewhat like a lowlife, but in many ways they don't venture towards that. It's hard to place them in any one category of person. I mean, neither of them seems to be the kind of people I would hang out with, but the still don't seem like bad people. Perhaps confused? You'll take us through their story and go through their character, showing us more what kind of person they are as we go. And starting off with your characters like they are now is a great way to begin, because it leaves plenty of room for character development. Which is amazing. :3 There is a lot you can do to them if they're already leaning one direction. To make them lean the other direction sometimes takes an act of God (or an act of a writer), so this will be fun to go through and read. :3
This sentence seems poorly structured. The first few times I read it, I thought that she had coaxed him into buying a drink as she helped him into the motel room. And I know that isn't right. See if you can make it more clear. It almost seems as though the beginning and the end of the sentence should go together rather than being separated by that big block of text in-between.
just missing a space there. ^^
The pipe seemed out of place. Not that she was smoking - that seemed in its rightful place in the story. But a pipe? The only people I have ever seen smoking a pipe are those old guy sitting at barbecues, constantly fixing them and re-stuffing them and just enjoying themselves while their pipe gives them fits. Or the people in the old movies. And it seemed odd that she just pulls her pipe out and begins to smoke, without having to stuff it with tobacco or anything else. Perhaps that part needs to be looked over? I think it would be easier and better with a cigarette rather than a pipe.
That would need a period rather than the comma you have there already. ^^
FINALLY. Now I know why you titled it like you have. Makes sense, now. The trouble-making brother sister duo? heehee
Another instance where you really should have a period after later. While I am not sure if it's the "rules" or anything, it reads a lot neater and makes the second part read smoother.
With this chapter, there isn't actually much to say. It's without a question the best writing I have seen from you so far, and the flow was phenomenal. But you know what was even better than the flow? Your characterization. I have never read a piece of writing which was this short but gave such a good and solid character over to the reader. When I read through this, I feel as though I know who Skylar is - all the way. Your characterization gave a super clear picture as to who Skylar was (their names are quite similar, and I like them both so much. :3).
Your first-person narration was perfect, and gave over the character and her voice very well. And there is some variation in the voice from character to character (although, if you wanted me to be very nitpicky, I could say you should work on making them more distinct), although their voices are quite similar. They are written by one person, though, so it makes sense. That's one thing I always have difficulty with - establishing a solid voice that changes with the character. While you have a very good and strong voice in these two chapters, they didn't change with the character. See if you can find lots of little things (like the usage of the internal dialogue with Ryker in first chapter) to set the two voices apart. You're doing well with that already, especially for only just beginning with their story, but I think you can do better. Just work at establishing a unique voice for each character as you go through the chapters. And, I don't know if it makes a difference, but Skylar's voice seems to have more thought inside it than Ryker's - although that might have been simply because there was less action and some breathing time in her chapter. Regardless, that could be something which sets her voice apart from Ryker's. More thought. More detail. Character profiles are a good thing to do to see what you can implement to achieve a unique voice, too.
Now I am just rambling, so I will leave you with what I have here. Not much to go off of for reviewing these pieces, really, but you've done an amazing job. ^.^
~Darth Timmyjake