If I wasn't certain that I was dying, when I woke up to a pain that felt like someone separated the top of my head from the bottom and was slowly pulling them apart with my brain caught in the middle, unwilling to go with either half-- I was now, as I sat hugging the chamber pot close to my chest, retching. Itani was kneeling behind me, as she had been for an hour, holding my hair back.
I sat back, groaning, hugging my stomach with one arm. She stroked my hair down, murmuring sweet nothings to me. "There, there, Miss. You'll feel better soon enough."
"No. I'm dying." I moaned as a pang ran through my stomach once again
"You're not." She murmured.
"I feel like I am."
"I'm sure you do." She answered, standing up and moving to my windows. She jerked the curtains open wide, ignoring my groans of protest as the sun assalted my tender eyes. "But you'll feel better soon. You've surely rid yourself of all the wine you drank, by now."
"As well as a kidney and my spleen." I complained, closing my eyes against the bright light, clutching my middly tightly, wondering how many organs could be retched out before I actually would die. "My stomach will come next. It got caught in my...my throat that last time."
She chuckled softly. "Quite an active imagination you have there, Young Miss."
I grasped the edges of the pot, as a fresh wave of nausea hit me, and I retched into it.
I sat back a few moments later, groaning, and glanced at Itani, squinting. "Nope. I was wrong."
"Mm?"
"My liver went next, not my stomach."
She laughed as she knelt behind me again and began combing my hair. I sat, working to calm my stomach and slow my breathing-- as Itani worked to weave my hair into a braid. As she finished, my stomach was starting to feel stronger. I stood and walked to the window. I quickly shut the curtains, before flopping down on my bed.
~~
There was a knock at the door. I couldn't be bothered to move. I glanced at Itani out of the corner of my eye, and saw her glare at me flatly, before she opened the door and peeked out at whoever stood outside.
"Ran-- oh. Where's Rana?" Char's voice.
I bit back a sigh. I didn't feel like talking to him. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, not right now.
"There." Itani pulled the door open a bit wider and stepped back. "Don't think she's takin' visitors, though."
"Okay." Char murmured, nodding to Itani as he walked in anyways. Wyl was right behind him.
"Come on, Sleeping Beauty." Char said, a bit too loudly, making all three of us cringe. He continued, far more quietly. "Up and at 'em."
"No."
"It's already lunchtime." Wyl sat down on the edge of my bed, and his head appeared over mine. "You plan on lying in bed all day?"
"Yes." I grumbled. "I don't feel well."
"Aw, don't be such a girl."
I glared at him, trying not to gag as my stomach churned. "I've got a perfectly valid...reason."
"You do not." Char cut. "I was drunker 'en you."
"Hrm..." I rubbed my throbbing head, pulled half-way from my self-pity by my friends. "But you didn't spend your morning vomiting, did you?"
"No." Char agreed, drawing out his 'o' as he grabbed my arm with one hand, shoulder with the other. Wyl grabbed my other shoulder. "But I've told you a hundred times. If you'd just vomit when you're drunk, you won't retch all the next morning."
"What are you--? No!" I protested half a moment too late. They pulled me up to a sitting position, and then beyond, forcing me to my feet. They pushed me across the floor, half-shoving and half-carrying me, as they forced me toward the door. "No, no, no. Stop! Put me back."
"No can do." Char wasn't sympathetic in the least, as they continued to push me across the floor. I tried to dig my toes into the floor, to stop myself, but the wood was worn smooth, and I just slid.
"I'm only here a few days out of the year." Wyl stated. "And you scarcely ever travel to other parties-- so you've got to be a proper hostess while I'm here."
"Go host yourself." I grumbled, as they dragged me past Itani, who still held the door open.
"Itani! Help! I'm being abducted!"
"Have fun, Young Miss." She twittered, waving to me before closing the door behind us.
Some help you are.
"I don't feel good." I pouted.
"Then let's get you sobered up."
~~
A pitcher of juice squeezed from bitter oranges, and a few herbal remedies from the physicians, and we were good to go. We'd hiked up into the glen until we were out of sight of the palace or the mansion, then collapsed under an ancient oak. We stretched out to rest in the shade it provided, Char to my right, Wyl to my left. My head rested on Char's shoulder, my eyes closed.
"Feeling any better yet?"
"Mm." I cracked an eye open to look at Wyl, as I considered his question. I did feeel better; but I still felt like complaining."My head is still throbbing...though I don't feel like I'm about to vomit up something important, anymore."
"So...that's a yes?"
"Yes." I agreed, nodding as I sat up and stretched my back. There was no point in being too much of a killjoy. "Yes, I'm much better."
"Good."
Wyl stood up, gesturing for us to follow him, and began hiking deeper into the glen-- further away from home. I sighed, watching him go. I really was in an impossible position. Go home-- and get abducted by your friends; or go with them willingly. Either option ended with me many miles from my home, in a secluded wood, with two men. That would look poorly, if anyone happened upon us.
"Come on." Char held his hands down to me. I took them and let him pull me to my feet.
I wasn't very concerned with images.
"Okay." Holding on to one of his hands, I started up the steep incline, leading him behind me.
~~
"It's not proper--"
"Like you care about--"
"As a matter of fact, I--"
"Don't be such a girl."
"I am a girl!" I snapped, stamping a foot, tired of that argument being used against me.
"You're scared!"
I glared up Wyl, drawing myself up to my full height. "What could I possibly be scared of?"
"I don't know, who are you scared of?" He countered.
"I'm not scared."
"Prove it." He held my sword out ot me. My eyes flicked down to it, then back up to his face. I wasn't scared. I didn't feel well; and I certainly didn't feel like sparring. But one could not let a challenge go unanswered.
"I will." I pulled it out of his hands roughly, and walked on to the flat. "Just don't come crying to me, if I hurt you."
As I turned back toward him, I found him grinning smuggly. Without waiting for him to finish gloating, I tightened my grip on the hilt of the training sword and leapt toward him. I wouldn't let him get off as easily as Char did. They'd fought, half-heartedly, for a quarter hour before Char threw his sword down and said he felt poorly, and so forfeited-- causing Wyl to harass me for a match.
I didn't spar to pass idle time, as Char often did. I fought for blood, more or less literally-- and he was only barely able to throw his sword up, blocking mine, before it would've knocked him in the head.
He stumbled backward a few steps. Without giving him a chance to recover, I advanced on him, bringing down two blows over my head, and one towards the right-- each of which he blocked with more trouble than the one before. Finally he was to the edge of the flat.
I swung another overhanded blow, struggling to get it high enough to come down on Wyl, whose head and shoulders towered over me; now that he'd regained his footing and stood to his full height. He blocked the blow, twisting his blade so that it was difficult for me to free mine-- and stepped forward, giving me a shove.
I stumbled back over a small dip in the ground, and tripped over my own feet.
The instant I landed, I rolled to the side. The dull thud of his wooden sword striking the ground where I laid moments before sent a shiver down my spine, unlocking the adrenaline buried somewhere within me-- adding to the momentum that carried me on to my feet.
Before I could recover my balance, he swung his sword at my middle, forcing me to jump backward. I stumbled, hopping as I tried to regain my balance, as he quickly advanced on me. He took another pass at me, this time his sword aimed a bit lower than my belt.
I dove over the blade, landing heavily on my right shoulder and rolling. I cringed, feeling my wooden sword beneath me as I rolled, it's tip digging into my chest. I leapt to my feet, swearing, rubbing the sore spot on my chest with my left hand, as I threw my blade up in a block with my right.
There was no time to think about my form. No time to evaluate his attack; no time to form a counter strategy. There was just enough time to block his blade, before it would've landed across my ribs and left a nasty bruise. Just enough time to block each of the subsequent blows, each of which came faster and with more ferocity than the one before.
A blow aimed at my hip-- another at my shoulder-- a third came over my head. I blocked each, twisting to the side after the last block, using the momentum to carry my blade around, toward his exposed middle. He blocked, flicking the tip of his sword, forcing me backward.
He whirled around on me, stepping forward with each strike, forcing me back as I blocked. I quickly found myself at the edge of the clearing, with nowhere left to retreat-- as he brought his sword down over my head. I lifted my sword to block, but didn't have the strength to throw him backward.
My arms trembled under the weight of his blade. I moved my left hand, slightly, bracing my right wrist as it threatened to give out. "Might as well give it up, Rana."
"You wish." I grunted, my temples pounding with exertion.
My left hand slipped off my the sweaty wrist it was resting on, and my right wrist, too weak to hold the weight, buckled. The blades came toward my face. My left hand quickly recovered its grasp on my right, and I, barely, managed to stop the blades with a grunt.
I felt a body, hard and warm, against my back. I started to turn as strong arms wrapped around me, a man's hands grasping my own. The man's chest blocked me from turning around, as he pried my left hand off where it clung to my right, and firmly pressed it to the hilt of the sword-- then moved my right hand nearer to the butt of my sword. Leverage. "Who--?"
The man shoved me forward, forcing me to take a step nearer to Wyl. The man behind me kicked my foot forward, so that my toes were behind Wyl's ankle, then pushed against my shoulders with his chest, forcing me to take another step forward. Wyl stumbled backward as our blades came toward his face. I lifted my foot, hooking it behind his ankle-- and Wyl fell flat on his back.
The man gave me a swift push, and pressed the tip of my sword into the center of Wyl's chest. Wyl didn't try to get up. He just lay on the ground, panting, glaring at me. "No fair. Two on one."
The man turned me loose, and I turned to see who it was.'
"An old man and a little girl." Aldik snorted, as he stepped around me and reached his hand down to help Wyl up. "But mostly the little girl."
"I would've beaten her if you hadn't intefered." Wyl grumbled as he took his Aldik's hand and pulled himself up. He tossed his sword down by the bundles.
"I didn't interfere, I educated." Aldik picked up Wyl's sword and pressed it into his hands. "You've both just learned a new technique. Practice it."
"Oh, uh, I...am...tired, and..." Why grumbled, most of his words lost under his breath.
"Oh, you poor dear." Aldik rolled his eyes. "Quit whining, and let me see you spar."
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not?" Aldik asked, obviously not caring what his response might be. "Are you afraid of sparring in front of me, or are you afraid that the little girl will beat you again?"
"I'm not afraid of anything."
Except for sparring in front of Aldik. I smirked.
"You look afraid." Aldik crossed his arms. "So you'd best show me that you're not."
Wyl opened his mouth to answer, only to shut it again and glower. Wyl already lost the argument, and he looked close to admitting that he did. It was impossible to win, when you were arguing with Aldik. I didn't know why he and Char always tried.
"Either show me you're not scared, or tell me what you're scared of. Are you scared of the little girl? Is that it?"
I frowned. I knew that Aldik enjoyed referring to me as the little girl, especially when he was comparing me to a boy, but I wasn't nearly so fond of it. It was an easy way for him to motivate my friends-- if they knew that I'd done something, or could do something, then they wanted to as well. It went from a chore to a game, as they tried to beat me.
"I'm not scared of Rana."
But I found it rather difficult to make them fear me, when Aldik insisted on referring to me as the little girl.
"Good!" Aldik said, a bit too brightly, as he pushed Wyl toward me. "I've already been watching you from the underbrush for quite a while, so you don't have to worry about me either. Reset."
I frowned harder. I knew why Wyl didn't want to spar again. I didn't want to spar again, for the same reason. It was a matter of pride. Aldik was the War Chief; the best swordsman in Algnes-- and possibly in all the kingdoms. One wasn't eager to display her ineptness in front of him.
"Aw, Rana. Don't tell me you're scared too."
I started, looking up to find Aldik staring at me.
"I...of course not." I shrugged. I never enjoyed it when Aldik evaluated my form, though I knew it was necessary. He couldn't teach me if he couldn't see my weaknesses.
"Good." Aldik nodded. "Begin."
My fingers wrapped around the hilt of my practice sword a bit tighter as I lifted it, and waited for Wyl to attack. He didn't. He was still standing with his fingers barely grasping his sword, glaring at all of us like he wasn't sure what to do, but didn't want to admit it.
I stepped forward, bringing my sword around on his left side. He threw his sword up in a careless block, deflecting my blade. I spun around him as quickly as I could, and made a pass at his side. He turned, barely quickly enough, and blocked.
He twisted his blade at the last moment, taking a pass at my side. I blocked quickly, easily, focusing on my form. He brought his sword down over my head. I threw up my sword to block, remembering the feel as Aldik positioned me the last time. I straightened my arms a bit more and stepped forward, sliding my foot behind his ankle before giving him a shove.
He lifted his foot over mine, and hopped backward, regaining his balance. "That trick only works when the man you're fighting isn't paying attention."
"True of any move," I grunted, as I took a pass at his legs with my sword.
As he landed his hands found my shoulders and gave me a push, knocking off my feet. I instantly spun in a circle, my leg extended, and cleaned his legs out from under him. I drove my elbow into his side as he started to fall on me; rolled to the side.
I rolled back on top of him the instant he landed, jerking him onto his back, pulling the tip of my sword up so that it rested on his collar bone. He stopped short, as he was trying to dump me off of himself, and glowered. I tightened my grip on his tunic with my left hand and smirked. "One on one, this time."
He narrowed his eyes. "Get off me."
"Rude." I realized that I was, in fact, lying on top of him. My right knee was digging into his abdoment, my shoulder resting on his chest. I flushed, suddenly embarrassed, and scrambled to my feet. "Sorry."
He grumbled something.
"...I still won."
He grumbled again, impossible to understand. I smirked. "Can't believe you let the little girl beat you..."
"I wouldn't be too eager to gloat, if I were you." Aldik said as he tapped my upper chest with his finger. "You'd have stabbed yourself, when you rolled over your sword."
I felt the smile drifting from my face, as I put a hand to my chest. I unbuttoned it one hole further, and looked down at the mark. A small area, not quite as large as the fingernail on my pinky, was scraped raw. "Yeah..."
"We all make mistakes." Aldik clapped me on the shoulder. My eyes drifted down to the wooden sword he now held.
"Oh, no." I muttered under my breath.
Sparring with Wyl was one matter-- it required only enough focus and strength to fend off a man whose father refused to let him be trained until he was nearly thirteen. He was only slightly better than I was.
Sparring with Aldik was an entirely different matter. He required every speck of focus, endurance, and strength that I possessed-- and, even then, we both had to take care to be sure that he didn't hurt me. It wasn't a task to be taken lightly. Not a task for one with a hang over to undertake.
"Oh yes."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello again
You wrote it perfectly, and described the actions well, so I wasn't seeing them as actions but I could actually imagine Wyl and Rana carrying them out!
I liked this chapter a lot. It wasn't a proper action scene, but fairly close to one. I didn't even know I like sparring scenes until I read this one
I agree with what Blackwood has already said with this first paragraph. Good ideas, needs to be redone. But I shall leave that to him. A little nitpick for you here:
""Oh, uh, I...am...tired, and..." Why grumbled: Wyl I think you mean.
I'm actually finding it very difficult to pick faults in this, which is good. I liked the ending to the chapter, especially the "Oh yes." It was a clever ending, and slightly humourous, so that was good.
Hm... Rana knows she shouldn't be sparing with a group of boys in a clearing. And yet she'll unbutton her dress? Maybe she just feels for the mark? Or maybe I am miss interpreting that sentence ^^
I'm going to stop dragging this out, because this chapter was well written, and I believe it to be the best so far! In my opinion the chapters just keep getting better and better. Let me know when you post more chapters on my wall or something, and I shall definitely read them!
Deanie x
Fabulous, I really enjoyed how you put the sword fight as the one thing that fills out her emotion and skill. The names, the attitude, the drunks at the start, all give this story character with small amounts of humour pointed in small directions in which amused me.
The things you could improve are that you start most sentences with 'I'.
Try using verbs as a starting word, and only use I when most needed. Also, try using, at the start of the sword fight, short, sharp sentences to bring up the suspense - For example - Thud. Wyl's sword hit the ground, meters from my body. Swoosh. Swords clinking as I blocked swiftly. Crack. As my sword connected with Wyl. - You see, brings a tad more suspense into it, more excitement, hooks the reader to see the end result.
I liked your adjectives, there weren't any repeats that dulled the story, and you did extremely well! Wonderful story, thank you.
Ohhhhhhh Wow. I just got punched in the face by your opening sentence. And unfortunately I don't mean in a good way, princess. I know we have had a discussion before and I mentioned that you had extremely large openings but this is just overwhelming. I know this is chapter four and isn't the start but still, try not to stuff so much down your readers throat at once. Also it is very badly phrased. Good ideas, but the words just keep running and make no sense at all.
Here is my re-phrase:
I wasn't certain I was dying when I woke up. The pain felt like someone had separated the top of my head from the bottom and slowly pulling it apart; my brain caught in the middle, unwilling to go with either half.
I was certain now, as I sat hugging the chamber pot close to my chest, retching. Itani was kneeling behind me, as she had been for an hour, holding my hair back.
As crazy as that first paragraph was, the writing takes an enormous leap after that and is quite pleasant to read for a while, it drew me in.
What is a middly? Do you mean middle?
Ok so you keep using all of these --- things when proper punctuation is far more acceptable. Its not even properly correct, you have done it hundreds of times all the way through, its really annoying. In a normal book they either have them only a few times in the entire book if they even have it at all.
Other than that i like all the rest, nothing more to complain about as of yet.
I think this is good. It has good character names, excellent vocabulary... I like the fantasy-adventure element to it. Not sure if you've read Percy Jackson but if you have, you might see the comparisons - if not, read them, I think they'd capture your attention. The names of the characters got me interested at one, Wyl and Aldik, et cetera... I found it a very interesting read. The book title is what caught my attention especially so well done for that!
Keep up the good work, focus entirely on putting 110% into your efforts. Nice work!! ~ Lozzanator