The librarian glared daggers at me as my phone went off. I quickly silenced it, slinking behind a shelf, out of the line of her murderous gaze, before I checked the number. I frowned, slightly, when I saw my sister’s number on the screen. She rarely called me.
“Leah?” I answered the phone quietly.
“Ariya?” She was out of breath.
“Yeah. What’s wrong?”
“They’re here.”
“Who is?” My heart started beating faster, as I started moving toward the door of the library.
“The…what’s their faces? The guys who killed Mama, they’re here.”
I jogged through the door, and starting across the parking lot. “You’re sure it’s them?”
“Completely.”
“Lock the doors.”
“I have.”
“Hide.”
“I am.”
“Okay… well… stay quiet. I’m on my way.”
“Please hurry, Ri. I’m scared.”
“I know. I’ll be there in a minute.” I hung up the phone, breaking into a sprint, leaping over a fire hydrant and dodging a tricycle that a little kid had left partially on the sidewalk.
I cut through the lawn of a grumpy old man, barely avoiding his vicious little dog as it tried to bite me, and dove through the hedges, fighting with the sharp twigs and leaves that scratched my face and pulled on my hair and jacket. As soon as I was free of the hedge, and running across a vacant lot, I dialed our Uncle Diehl’s number.
By the time he answered the phone, I’d bailed over the chain link fence on the far end of the lot, and was panting.
“Ariya! How are you, my dear?”
“We need your help.”
“What’s wrong?” his voice was instantly concerned.
“Joey. Leah just called me, she said his thugs are at our house.” I cut around a couple walking down the street, holding hands and making eyes at each other.
“Where are you two? Are you safe?”
“I’m on my way to the house.” I ducked under a low hanging branch, as I cut through the corner yard.
“You’re going to the house?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re not. Stay away from there.”
“Leah is there.” I grunted as I struggled over a particularly tall privacy fence, and fell on my face on the other side. I fought off the overeager dog that slobbered all over me, as it came running over to play, and struggled to my feet.
He cursed. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I’m not leaving Leah.” I let myself out through the gate.
“Fine. I’ll be there in a few minutes. Where are you now?”
“Across the street.”
He cursed again. “Watch yourself.”
“Yeah.” I hung up on him, right as multiple gunshots went off in my house. I couldn’t breathe. My chest was too tight, my heart beating too hard, for me to be able to catch my breath. I sprinted across the street, only to find the door to the house slightly ajar.
I threw my shoulder it, making the door slam into the wall as it flew open. I slid to a stop at the edge of the living room, looking into the kitchen, then down the hall, wondering which way I should go. I heard someone whimpering in the master bedroom, and the banging of someone looking through drawers.
“This way, Uncle Diehl.” I said loudly, pausing to listen. Everyone was scared of my Uncle Diehl. I figured the threat of him being there would be enough to scare nearly anyone away. The banging instantly stopped. “I’ll check the kitchen, you get the bedroom.”
I barely heard a muttered curse, followed by, “Come on.”
I quickly moved down the hallway, my hands tightly gripping my pistol, heart beating in my throat so hard I could barely breathe. I kicked the door to the master bedroom open roughly, my eyes quickly scanning the room. Leah was lying on the ground moaning; a figure was disappearing out the window. I lifted my gun and let off a round toward the window. It shattered the window.
I ran to the window, paying no attention to the broken glass that was scattered on the rug, and leaned outside the house. There were two of them, a tall, lanky white boy named Tyler and a short, stocky black man named Kadrick, the same two that killed my mother. I cursed at them and emptied my clip shooting at them.
With my last shot, I saw Tyler stumble forward. He grabbed his left shoulder, and I saw a bloody splotch appear on his shirt, a moment before he leapt over our privacy fence and I lost sight of him. I kept squeezing the trigger long after my pistol did nothing but click, staring at the spot that they disappeared from view.
Leah whimpering yanked me back to reality. I dropped the gun, my arms shaking, and fell to my knees beside my sister. She was lying in a puddle of her own blood, her chest covered in holes, blood dribbling from her mouth. “Ri.”
“Leah, I’m here.” I felt tears welling in my eyes as I pulled her into my arms. “Stay with me.”
“Ri, it hurts… it hurts so much.”
“I know.” Tears began dribbling down my cheeks, as I looked at her wounds. She wouldn’t make it. There was no way I could stop the bleeding. It seemed like she had a dozen wounds leaking blood, and the rug seemed to have already soaked up as much blood as I figured she had in her small body.
She was crying too. “Am I going to die?”
“You’ll be alright.” I lied, choking on my tears. I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth.
Suddenly I remembered the morphine I’d traded for earlier that morning. I felt for my purse, still hanging on my shoulder, and groped around inside until my hand found the syringe. I pulled it out, taking the cover off with my teeth.
“What’s that?” She asked weakly, her voice garbled.
“It’ll make you feel better.” I sank the needle in her arm and pushed the plunger down, until all of the drug was in her body. I massaged her arm a moment, to take away the sting of the needle. “Trust me.”
“I do…I trust…trust you.”
I willed myself to stop sobbing, but I couldn’t. I clenched my teeth, breathing heavily, wiping my tears on the shoulder of my shirt, because my hands were covered in my sister’s blood. I’ve got to try. I shrugged off my jacket and rolled it into a ball, zipper on the inside, and pressed it against my sister’s chest, trying to stop the bleeding.
With my other hand I found my cellphone and clumsily dialed the digits. I sniffed and held the phone to my head. “Nine-one-one, what is your emergency?”
“My sister.” I cried. “There’s blood everywhere. Help. Help us, please.”
“What happened to your sister?”
“She was shot… in the chest.” I wasn’t sure whether my arms or my voice was shaking worse.
“What is your location?”
“Four-four-one-three Mobilaire Drive.” I took a deep breath, trying to make my voice stop breaking. “It’s off route fifty-seven, south. It’s the last house on a dead end street. Please hurry.”
After answering a few more questions, I hung up on the operator.
“Ri?”
“Yeah, hon?”
“I don’t hurt anymore.”
“Good.” I smiled at her through the tears. “That’s good, sweetie.”
“…Ri?”
“Yeah?”
“…I can’t see anything… it’s been getting darker, and now I can’t even see you.”
I was silent a long moment, trying to make my voice strong, for her. “Don’t be scared.”
“I’m not anymore.” She moved her head slightly, rubbing her cheek against my jeans. “You’re here.”
“That’s right.” I stroked her hair. “I’m here for you.”
“Ri?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you going to stay with me?”
I nodded, tears dripping off my chin. “I’ll stay with you.”
“Promise?”
“I swear it.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I held her tightly for several long minutes. Suddenly, she gasped, her fingers grabbing a fistful of my shirt tightly. A moment later she fell back, limp, gone. “No... No! Leah?”
She looked so peaceful. So young. I pulled her even closer to my chest and sobbed. A lifetime later, our Uncle Diehl appeared in the bedroom. He squatted beside us and checked Leah for any sign of life. When he didn’t find any, he frowned and stood up. “Have you called the ambulance yet?”
I nodded, numb.
“I suppose they’re sending cops?”
“I figure.” My voice sounded strange, like it wasn’t my own. I felt like I was hovering above the room, looking down at the scene below me, in some horrible dream. This wasn’t real. I wasn’t covered in my sister’s blood. I wasn’t holding her cold, dead body.
“Alright.” Uncle Diehl moved around the room, quickly seizing all of the drugs and firearms he saw, shoving them in a trash bag. As he finished, we heard a siren in the distance. He listened for a moment before looking back down at me. “Ri?”
“Mm?”
“I’m going to go now.” I nodded. I figured he would. He usually disappeared any time the police came. He bent and kissed my forehead. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”
“Alright.”
-
I couldn’t quite remember what happened in the next few minutes, between Diehl leaving and me being interrogated. I knew that the local police showed up, and came in pointing their guns and shouting orders. They told me to move away from Leah, and when I didn’t, they tried to pull her away from me. I kept clinging to her, until an emergency responder calmly explained that he couldn’t help her until I let go.
A second emergency responder convinced me to walk out to an ambulance with him, where he looked over me and cleaned Leah’s blood from my face and arms. As soon as he finished, I remembered someone that they introduced as a Marshal handing me a clean long sleeved shirt and telling me to change. I did as I was told. As soon as I was finished, I stepped out of the back of the ambulance, where they told me to change.
As soon as I stepped onto the sidewalk, a large, harsh hand clamped down on my shoulder. I timidly looked way up, into the face of a police officer who was glowering at me. His hand grasped my shoulder so tightly it hurt. “I’ve got some questions to ask you, young lady.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Very good first chapter, you do a great job capturing the readers attention and holding it. I am immediately drawn into the plot and attached to Ri. It is a little short though an dis lacking in character development. This is however understandable given as it is only the first chapter.
I want to know what happens next.
Hey Shadow!!
Now I'm not going to review this. It's to hard, so it has nothing to do with me being lazy. I cant really find anythign big that needs changing. In my opinion I dont think that the transiton from the libary to the street was to vague. I think it was fine. Though there is something someone pointed out previously, how did she get a pistol? You didnt hint that her life could possibly be so difficult that she would need a gun. Then bam!! She has a gun!! It confused me a little.
This is an amazing piece I love it and cant wait to read more!! Hopefully you post soon *Crosses fingers*
^This has sort of unintentionaly turned into a review. Hmmmm.
Keep up the wonderful writing and I look forward to reading more of this adventure!!!
xx
~Neverland.
Heey Shady! I made it
I haven't read any of the previous reviews like I usually do, because I'm feeling lazy. So excuse me if there is some repetition.
Let's start with the story. I found it was a very good beginning, it was fast paced and it had a lot of action. And you started right out with a sad heart wrenching moment too, so I'm sure you've hooked all the rest of your readers like you've hooked me. You've got a great beginning and end to the chapter as well, right at the perfect moments.
I feel like I know Ariya a bit better already as a character, and I know some things about her Uncle too. What I don't know much about is the world she lives in, the more exterior things. What's her situation and setting? And why were these thugs after her mother, and now her sister as well? I look forward to having some of these questions answered soon.
But apart from that, the story was brilliant. A good flow. Although reading it sometimes it was a bit disruptive, especially at the beginning, because you have too many commas. Sometimes where they aren't needed. I'll give an example:
The librarian glared daggers at me as my phone went off. I quickly silenced it, slinking behind a shelf,[I would put a full stop here instead of the comma so that you don't have a run on sentence] I was finally out of the line of her murderous gaze, so I checked the number. I frowned, [no comma] slightly, when I saw my sister’s number on the screen. She rarely called me.
Juuust a suggestion. Other than that this chapter looked good on the technical front.
Repetition of the word change very close together here was noticeable. If you cut off everything from the last comma, that's perfectly fine as well. It doesn't really need to be there for us to get it.
I look forward to the next chapter! Please tell me again when it comes out, of if you continue your previous novel
Deanie x
Thanks so much. c: <3
I really like what you've got here so far. Like the others said, the transition from the library to outside is abrupt; I found myself thinking "why did she jump over a fire hydrant inside?" And I'm also curious as to when and where this is set? But other than those things it's great. I'm curious as to what happens next, and I can't wait to read the next part.
Hi Shadow!
This just suddenly struck me as odd. And I reread it again, and realized because in the previous sentence you said They "are" and here it's who "is". I guess a "who" should suffice. Just a nitpick.Quite an interesting premise you have here. I can see this becoming much better upon editing. So, anyway, comments that popped into my head while reading through:
Like what Faith said there, the transition from inside the library is abrupt. I see that you're trying to go for the hurried/sense-of-urgency and fast paced scene transition, but it doesn't work here. Also, jumping over a hydrant seems very cartoon-ish. I'd presume anyone running would run around it, shoving/excusing from other people who happen to be on the road.
The next para needs editing. Where you talk of the man's dog, branches etc. Again, it seems very action-oriented, but I think the sentences can be polished. It's like throwing a bucketload of events at the reader, things which should elicit some emotion, but it just goes on, without really creating the atmosphere of urgency. It seems like Ri's bad luck that all of this happens, but then, it's like yeah,okay, we're jumping over to the next scene.
[url]I sprinted across the street,[/url] This gives me an image of not an isolated house. It gives me an image of a few little houses; and neighbours should have been around. Or like someone about the area, considering that I didn't catch any implication that it was weird hours of the day.
Well. Woah. Gun shots! Up until now, I'd sort of imagine Ariya to be younger. This scene puts her at an older scenario. So, she know to wield a gun, eh. Pretty neat. This would make for good character development, IMO.
So, why did she not call 911 earlier? She seems cognitively present; yet she hadn't called 911 until after a while. She carries a syringe in her purse? Wow! So many facets to this girl. I'd love to know more of how all of this connects to who she is.
Quite a suspense though. Hope you post more chapter here.
Cheers,
Lava
Oh my gosh this is really good! Please continue to write you are great!
To ShadowVyper,
So far, I thought this was very very good. There are a couple of things I didn't quite follow. First, she was in the library and then all of a sudden she jumped over a fire hydrant and tricycle, which are outside. My thought was is how did she get there so quickly it was like blink change of scenery. Also magically a pistol appeared in her hand. How did it get there? So these are just minor things to look out for. While reading it brought up a lot of questions. Why did the two guys kill their mother? Where was there father? Why would the guys come back? How did she know there names? If she knew who they were why weren't they in prison? So this is very good in the sense of keeping the readers on their toes. I do think however they are questions that should be answered so if you decide to continue on I would see if you could maybe work answers to those in there. Very good job, I liked it.
-gottahaveFaith