Violence

Brother Dear-- Part One

Ryker Arrington

The barroom was alive with opportunity. I grabbed my drink off the scarred wooden bar and strode through the smoke filled room, toward the pool tables. I coolly leaned up against the pool table where the man arranging games stood. I swished my brandy around in the glass. “I want to play.”

“You do, huh?” His eyes travelled down my body, obviously trying to evaluate me. My eyes flicked across his poorly groomed appearance. If he didn’t have his ball cap cocked to the side I would’ve dismissed him as just another lower class blue collar worker. But he obviously thought he was tough. “How good are you?”

Skilled. I mentally corrected his poor grammar. I was certain by the time half an hour passed he would no longer be wondering if I was good— most were of the opinion that I’d been sent from Satan himself at that point. I lifted a shoulder. “Nothing spectacular. I just have fun with it.”

“Yeah?” I focused on the man’s face, frowning. People who continually spoke in questions were tiresome. “Well we play for money.”

“That’s quite alright,” I answered with a nod. “I’ve got that, too.”

“Yeah?” I nearly sighed. “Let’s see it, then.”

I pulled a twenty out of my pocket. “This enough?”

The man hesitated a moment, glancing at his friends for some sort of affirmation, before taking my money. “Sure, why not? It’s your first game. Show us what you’ve got.”

Not a chance. I grinned and inclined my head. “Let’s do this.”

They set up the billiard balls, staring at me when they thought I wasn’t watching. The man who took my money obviously thought he was much tougher than he really was. They all did. Everything about them gave the impression of insecure little boys who were desperately trying to convince everyone that they were in charge of the bar. I picked up a pool stick and walked back toward the table, waiting for one of the punks to break.

I leaned over the table when it was my turn and carefully calculated an angle that would send my ball close to the pocket but not actually go in. I shrugged, offering a sheepish grin, and walked to where I’d set my drink. I took a drink as I watched the man who made the first move, a boy who looked barely old enough to get into the place that wore a skull bandana, made several more moves, sinking a ball in a pocket with each move.

He was good. I was better. But he didn’t need to know that, yet. I ordered another drink and stepped forward for my turn, feinting surprised delight when I sank one ball in the corner pocket, then sighing with a mock frustration as I made the next ball bounce off the wall. The boy stepped forward with a cocky smirk and sent several more of his balls sailing into pockets around the table.

I downed another glass of brandy and frowned. Mr. Skull would win in a few more moves, if I didn’t do something now. I looked at the arrangement of the balls on the table. I could’ve easily won the game. Instead, I carefully sent the eight-ball into one of the pockets. I cursed. They laughed.

“Wanna try again?”

I stood up, forcing my jaw to jut out in my feigned anger, my eyebrows laced together. Look at how stupid they all are. They think I did that by accident. Idiots. I pulled another twenty out of my billfold and thrust it at the man taking money as Mr. Skull collected each of the balls and put them back in the starting formation. A few moments later he’d broke and then sank several of the solid colored balls into the corner pockets.

I took another drink of the brandy and stepped forward, a throbbing in my head. I looking at my next shot from several different angles before I finally leaned forward and made my move. I grinned victoriously as I sank the ball, again pretending like I wasn’t expecting the ball to go where I told it.

I walked around the end of the table and repeated the process, sinking another one of the striped balls, carefully forcing myself to pretend like it took great effort. “I’m getting warmed up.”

“Mhm,” Mr. Skull said, bored. “Just take your next shot.”

I frowned at him but turned back to the table. I took a deep breath and made another shot, scratching the surface of the table and sending the cue-ball off in a fury of uncontrolled energy. I glowered as I stood. “You threw me off.”

“You’ve got nothing to throw off,” he scoffed.

I walked back over to yet another drink I’d ordered, part of me wondering how many drinks I’d had before I started. I was already far more drunk than I intended to be. The pleasant humming was starting to turn into a whir that was clouding my thoughts and making them run together.

I pulled my watch out of my pocket, frowning when I saw how early it was. It wasn’t even nine o’clock yet. I rubbed my face. I’ve got to make my move soon, or I’m going to be too drunk to actually win one of these games.

As soon as the game ended I pulled my wallet out and started toward the man taking money, flipping through the large bills I’d gotten from the bank just for this purpose. “I demand a rematch!”

“Haven’t lost enough money yet?” He scoffed.

“Too much,” I pulled five one-hundred dollar bills out. “All of my drinking money. Not good.”

“What’s that, then?” He looked at my money.

“Rent,” I slammed it down on the edge of the pool table he stood next to. “Can you match it?”

Mr. Skull hesitated a moment then smirked. “Sure, why not? I’ve beat him twice. I’ll do it again.”

He and his friends all pulled out their wallets and pooled together their money until there was an equal amount of money lying next to mine. I downed another glass of brandy and stepped forward just after Mr. Skull broke the arrangement of the billiard balls. I leaned over the table and sank two of the solid colored balls into the same hole with a single motion. I walked around the table and sent another ball into a corner pocket.

I glanced up with a smirk, watching with satisfaction as the discomfort in the room grew. They were starting to realize what was happening to them. It was too late, now. I easily sank each of my solid-colored balls and would’ve sent the eight-ball sailing into the corner, but the brandy was taking its toll.

I sighed and stepped back for Mr. Skull to take his turn. By the time he was finished, all that remained was the eight-ball. I didn’t intend to let him win again. I took a deep breath and leaned over the table. A moment later the eight-ball was in a pocket, and I was walking over the money and quickly gathering it up. The men fixed me in glares and began to circle around me. “Fair’s fair.”

“That weren’t fair,” Mr. Skull snarled.

“You’re just sore ‘case you…” I rubbed my head, wishing it would stop hurting. “You lost.”

“You tricked us,” the money taker glared at me, hard.

“Nothing in the rules says I can’t lose a few games first, if I choose,” I forced my head to clear so I could think. I wasn’t drunk enough to be past my ability to reason.

“It’s common decency.”

What would you know about decency? You’re a bar rat, nothing more. I’m not going to feel bad about taking advantage of you and taking your money. You practically offered it to me on a silver platter. I looked around for leverage as the circle started constricting around me. “Common decency? I just gave you forty dollars. I thought that was decent.”

“Then you took it back, with over four-hundred dollars attached.”

I smirked. That was all they needed. Suddenly two of them charged me at once, Mr. Skull rushing in at my left side, one of his little friends coming straight at me from the front. Quick as a flash I spun the right, grabbing two abandoned drinks and throwing them in the faces of the men chasing me. I snatched a pool cue off the table and turned in another circle, using the momentum as I brought the cue down over Mr. Skull’s head.

I quickly backed up, smarter than to let them get me cornered, and grabbed a bar stool that I stumbled in to. I picked it up and chucked it at the mob that was advancing on me, knocking the money taker off his feet. His friends wouldn’t be dissuaded. “You don’t want to do this.”

Still they advanced, dead set on getting whatever sort of revenge they felt they were entitled to. I rolled my eyes and walked over to another pool table, my eyes landing on the billiard balls. I smirked and grabbed several and chucked them as hard as I could. Three men fell, knocked out cold, before their friends doubled up on courage and decided to rush me.

I felt my eyes go wide as I saw four men charging toward me. I turned and ran away as fast as I could, retreating into the dining area of the bar, bringing the fight with me. The money changer picked up a bottle and threw it at me. I ducked under it. I cringed when I heard it shatter not far behind me. Not the wall. I slowly turned around.

A bald man who seemed nothing short of seven feet tall rose off of his bar stool and turned toward me. He flexed, his muscles bulging, making the tattoos on his bare arms dance. I took a step back. “That wasn’t me.”

He stepped forward, his glare fixed on me, a low rumbling growl coming from somewhere deep in his throat. I quickly stepped back, just out of his reach as he tried to grab me. I ducked under his fist as he stepped forward again and took a swing at my head.

I slipped from between them as the biker’s his fist made contact with the face of another man who seemed to be about twice my size, dragging him out of his chair. He was on his feet in a second, slamming the biker into the wall. So much ending the fight and slipping away before the cops show up.

I focused every speck of attention I had on trying to make it out the front door alive. Between the men I’d hustled and the biker who thought I’d smashed a bottle over his head, I seemed to be targeted on both sides—not to mention the stools that came dangerously close to my head, even if they weren’t specifically aimed toward me.

Finally I reached the door.

I yanked it open and slipped out into the cool summer night, shutting the door firmly behind me. I closed my eyes, leaning against the wall next to the door, taking several deep breaths as I tried to calm myself. My head hurt. My face hurt. My hands hurt. Everything hurt. I gently reached up and felt my cheek. It was already swollen. I bet that’s going to leave a nasty bruise… I sighed.

“Ryker Arrington…” My name was followed by a loud sigh. I opened my eyes. The local police captain was getting out of his cruiser, half a dozen other patrol cars in the parking lot. He quickly crossed the short distance that separated us. “Couldn’t get away fast enough?”

“I believe this is your fastest response time yet,” I answered, trying my best to offer a charming grin. I already knew what was coming.

“I believe the bartender has learned to call early, when he sees you getting near the pool tables.” He pulled a set of cuffs off his belt and held them up. “And I believe you know what to do now.”

I sighed and took the cuffs as he held them out to me. I snapped one of the cuffs around my left wrist, then stepped forward as Captain Fortier put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me toward his cruiser. I waved my right hand behind my back carelessly.

He cuffed it to my left hand, then pressed me up against the cruiser. I spread my legs a bit further, resting my face against the top of the police car. I closed my eyes, waiting for him to frisk me. “Ryker, I’m arresting you on charges of disturbing the peace and disorderly conduct… and whatever other complaints materialize when I walk inside,” the captain said with a sigh. “Would you like me to read you your rights?”

“Mm… No. I’m too drunk to care right now,” I murmured, still leaning against the cruiser.

He swatted the back of my head. I opened my eyes resentfully. He pulled me around and fixed me in a glare. “I swear, Ryk. It looks bad when I have to arrest you a few hours after you help us with a raid.”

I lifted a shoulder. “Still too drunk to care.”

Comments & reviews · 5
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Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Tue Feb 24, 2015 12:00 am

Hi Shady!

When you tagged me to read part three I kind of noticed that I hadn't read any of this yet, so I am here to change that! I hope you don't mind me being so late to the party ^.^

I thought this was a pretty solid beginning to a story! I had a few issues with it which I will mention later. But first I wanted to say how much I liked your first sentence to this. The line about the bar being filled with opportunity. It made me curious to know what Ryder would end up doing. And he was definitely a trickster. One question I have is whether or not he got the money in the end? You never mention him swiping it from the pool table or whatever, so I don't know if that drama was for nothing or not. Another thing I liked so much was how his character reminded me of you. Someone who wanted to correct their spoken grammar and also got annoyed with him constantly answering in questions? Yep, that has Shady written all over it xD Which makes me think he is going to turn into a wonderful character.

Speaking of character... I liked this chapter, I really did. But as a first chapter, it presents us with a fun situation which is interesting to read about but shows us very little about who Ryder is on a level that is deeper than an outside one. We get to know how he likes to correct people and that he is a trickster - but that's just about it. And I wanted to know a bit more about him after reading the chapter, or at least get a better grasp on his character. So I was a little bit disappointed in that element. Maybe you could make it show that we get to learn a bit more about him throughout this? It could be in banter as he is playing, or it could be in his thoughts about things he had done previous to arriving at the bar? I do get the impression that we will know more about him in the second chapter, but I wanted it here as well.

Another thing that I think could use a bit more focus here would be setting. I found it pretty hard to picture the bar and the pool table where they were. At the beginning you start with a good description of the bar table and the way it was scarred... giving those intricate details made me think setting would have some more focus. But it didn't, and that was a bit disappointing. If you run through this again I would add some more descriptions. You don't need to drop them all in one place, but gradually weave it into the story. Explain that the man was leaning nearby a window and what Ryder could see outside of it as his eyes focused there instead of giving the annoying man all his attention as he set up the game. Describe the pool table in a bit more detail. The moment when he is leaning forward, eyes on the ball to hit the precise angle... freeze that moment and show it to us through wording. And most of all, when he is running through the bar to escape these boys, I definitely needed a better grasp on what everything looked like and where it was.

You mentioned that the guy he first talked to obviously thought he was tough. We gather that a little from the way he speaks. But don't forget to show us as well. What is there in his expression and the way he is standing that gives off the vibe that he thinks he is better and above the others. Is it something in his eyes, or the way he is looking down on Ryder? Again, this probably ties in with the above about description. I wanted to be shown more through your words.

I grabbed my drink off the scarred wooden bar and strode through the smoke filled room, toward the pool tables. I coolly leaned up against the pool table where the man arranging games stood. I swished my brandy around in the glass. “I want to play.”


You repeat pool table twice, pretty close together. In my opinion you could easily say 'I coolly leaned up against one of them' instead, to evade repeating the word. Another thing I notice when looking at this, is that after such a great first sentence this was a bit disappointing. All I really got was the 'I did this, I did that, and then he speaks.' I wanted less a list of his actions and more... something in between. So maybe this is where you could insert more character or descriptions, something though! :)

The man with the money obviously thought he was much tougher than he really was


Only moments ago you already mentioned that he thought he was tougher than others. It's almost as if you're repeating it in case we didn't get it. I don't see it as necessary.

“Well we play for money.”


You've had a lot of nitpicks so I will only pull this one out (I hope no one said it yet) but there needs to be a comma after the first word.

I will get to the other chapters whenever I can! I am curious to see what happens at the police station. I kind of loved his attitude at the end there with the police - it's obvious he has been in these situations plenty of times before...

Deanie x

User avatar
Masquerade
Review

Hello ShadowVyper! I am Masq and I shall be reviewing your writing this fine review day.

Well, firstly, I really enjoyed reading this. It didn't have a super unique plot, but I loved Ryker's voice, his attitude. It made it really entertaining to watch him scam the other pool players. His internal dialogue was amusing as well. Well done on all of that.

I didn't find much as far as technical issues in here, though here is one bit that I thought was phrased a bit awkwardly:

a boy who looked barely old enough to get into the place that wore a skull bandana


One thing I think you could tweak to make it better is the pacing. Particularly when the fight starts. The beginning was fine, I thought, but I think speeding up some of the pacing during his escape could make that bit more exciting.

Overall, I thought it was a great piece. And I loved the little hint you slipped in at the end about Ryker working with the police. It probably wouldn't have been very hard to make this a standalone piece, but by slipping that detail in you opened up a whole new set of questions about Ryker and what his relationship with the police is. Now I want to find out what happens next!

-Masq

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TimmyJake
Review

Timmy heeere :3

Don't expect me to find any technical issues with this piece, Shady. There is basically nothing for me to talk about in that side of things. Or anything, really - unless just gushing counts. If so, I have a lot to talk about. ^^ I still hate you This is the first story I have seen from you in quite a while which hasn't contained an inkling of fantasy (or perhaps the first ever o.o), but went right into the more normal side of things - sort of. This guy isn't your average dude walking the street. He smart. During this chapter, I enjoyed his game he played with the other guys there, fooling them all along and playing with their egos while he bide his time. And then when it really counted, he actually played the game and took all their money. And he's already had some... dealings with the police. o.o This guy is a perfect character to talk from, because he has so much to him. And this story is going to be loads of fun, especially due to his voice. I like his internal dialogue, which seems to only show itself when he's making a fool of someone or sharing some of his shameful awesome trickery with the reader. Which I love. :3 Just enough internal dialogue, but not too much. *pats* You did good on that score.

There were actually only a few things I was concerned about while I read through. I think, to make it easier for you, I will give them randomly just hand them out as they fall in the story. So, let's go. :3

The man who took my money obviously thought he was much tougher than he really was. They all did. Everything about them gave the impression of insecure little boys who were desperately trying to convince everyone that they were in charge of the bar.


That is one big pile of telling, and in many cases, I would say it's fine and just built that way for the rest of the story - kept neat and tidy. Not too much attention to it. Okay. But in this part of the scene, the introduction it all, and where we meet the characters for the first time? We need more. So like everything about them gave the impression.... Um, what is everything? To a reader, everything is nothing - unless you show them what you mean. The part about the bandana around the kid's head was perfect, and that was something you could have used more throughough. Things like that to build your characters as we meet them. Another example of not enough would be when the narrator said the moneytaker obviously thought he was much tougher than he really was. What told Ryker all this? Ryker strikes me as a person who notices things, notices everything. And he's very detailed. Like where he corrected they guy's improper grammar. Almost OCD, even. So he would explain why he thought so. Perhaps his hands were soft? Or he walked with a purposeful strut, and talked loudly and acted big? Just tweak that part and see what you can do. ^^

One more thing I would do less often and try to avoid falling into in future chapters (YESYOUARECONTINUINGTHISONENOISNOTACCEPTABLE) are your sentences. Not necessarily the content, but the structure. So many of them, and I would even venture to say most of them throughout, start with I did this or at least have I did this inside the sentence. There are so many other ways you can express character actions, and using I so often becomes distracting and isn't going to be tolerated in these quarters. Nope. Nada. So just try to keep your sentences beginning with alternative openings, work on weeding out the I did this throughout the chapter (read through and see how often they fall). Basically, just little stuff that should be kept a careful eye out for in future chapters. :3

They were starting to realize what was happening to them.


The two instances of passive voice make the sentence awkward and clunky. I would just take one instance out, probably the first and replacing it with started, and the sentence would flow nicer.

hem as the biker’s his fist made contact


One too many words in his there? heehee

I cringed when I heard it shatter not far behind me. Not the wall. I slowly turned around.


I thought about this part for so long. >.< So the one guy throws the bottle, and it shatters against another guy's head? So, there are two possible answers from me on that. 1) OUCH, throwing a bottle hard enough to break it would reaaaally hurt. Or, 2) they build bottles that light and thin? o.0 I have yet to decide which of those two I actually think, but this part tripped me up while reading. Because every liquor bottle I have ever handled has been very heavy and very strong. The lightest would be a wine bottle, but something tells me those guys weren't heading into a bar for some fine living. They was lookin' fo booze. So perhaps touch up on that? The bottle doesn't have to shatter, and it also doesn't have to hit the big tattooed dude on the head. That would be the migraine of the decade. >.<

So that ending tells me that Ryker has something big going on with the Police (although like I know what is meant by "raid". heh) I am thinking he's got something going with them (no duh, Tim. go to the head of the class), but I am clueless as to what it is. >.< Which is what you wanted to achieve. Chapter two, here we come! Because you have a lot of answers that need questions - or, um, vice versa. And they seem to be friends, too. I have never heard of a cop swatting a prisoner on the back of the head, so there's got to be something going on there. This next chapter is going to be exciting, and you are going to write it I am going to have to wait patiently.

Be sure to ding me, as always. Love to read further. <3
~Darth tIMMYjAKE

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lydia9
Review
lydia9 wrote a review · Thu Jan 08, 2015 9:20 pm

Hi, ShadowVyper! Lydia here :3

I think the fact that Ryker acts dumb at first adds a lot to the depth of the story. It definitely made me like the narrator immediately.

I love the use of the word "alive" in the first sentence. It definitely drew me in.

In the first paragraph, "smoke filled" should be hyphenated ("smoke-filled").

I would change the phrase "the man arranging games" to something more specific. It will be worth more to the reader if you say something like "a tall, wiry man with a tattoo of a falcon on his wrist and a sideways ball cap perched atop his wild hair." (just as a random example) because it will give them a mental image of the scene and draw them in more.

In the second paragraph, I would change "obviously trying to evaluate me" to "evaluating me." Otherwise, you are wasting unnecessary words.

I would say something other than "My eyes flicked across his poorly groomed appearance." "Appearance" isn't really the right word.

“Yeah?” I focused on the man’s face, frowning. People who continually spoke in questions were tiresome. “Well we play for money.”
I was confused about who was talking here. Clarify.

"The man who took my money obviously thought he was much tougher than he really was. They all did. Everything about them gave the impression of insecure little boys who were desperately trying to convince everyone that they were in charge of the bar."
Why? What shows this? Is it the way they stand, or perhaps their expressions?

Where it says, “You’re just sore ‘case you…” I rubbed my head, wishing it would stop hurting. “You lost," it should say, "cause" not "case."

"I felt my eyes go wide as I saw four men charging toward me."
It's better to simply say "My eyes went wide as I saw …"

"making the tattoos on his bare arms dance"
Good description--very well done. However, I don't understand why this man is upset.

"The local police captain was getting out…"
I would take out the word "local" here. It seems unnecessary.

I love how much you show through the police captain's reaction to the whole thing. The fact that he isn't surprised in the least shows a lot about Ryker's character.

Also, I love Ryker's sarcasm. I am very curious about the whole thing, but in a good way--I'm not confused or anything. I would definitely read on!

Hope this is somewhat helpful to you.

-Lydia

Hello!
First off let me just say your story totally drew me in and I LOVED it! I read the whole thing eagerly from the very beginning. I really want to know more about Ryker. Especially after what the cop said! but I'm getting ahead of myself.

“How good are you?” Skilled. I mentally corrected his poor grammar."
I liked this little piece of dialogue. I always like characters who are way smarter than they let on.

"People who continually spoke in questions were tiresome."
Very true.


When you were describing the people in the bar you kept telling the reader that they looked like they thought they were tough. You didn't really show us though. We only had a little description in the beginning and we were told the boy was wearing a skull bandana. I wanted a little more description about what they looked like, how they moved around the table, things like that.

"I pulled my watch out of my pocket, frowning when I saw how early it was. It wasn’t even nine o’clock yet."

This part I felt like it didn't give the reader the information it was intended to. We don't know what time he had entered the bar so knowing it before nine didn't enrich the story. Perhaps if you had added, "I had only been here for half an hour." We don't really have a clear time line of the story or how long he had been drinking.

Also we were never told how many friends were at the pool table. When the bar fight happened it kind of felt like people where materializing just for Ryker to get knock out or get past.

“I believe this is your fastest response time yet,” I answered, trying my best to offer a charming grin. I already knew what was coming.

“I believe the bartender has learned to call early, when he sees you getting near the pool tables.”
I chuckled at this part. It's my favorite line of the story!

Those are really the only criticisms I have. I loved everything else about it! Like I had said earlier, when the cop said he had helped them with a raid I was even more enticed to know Ryker's story. It had a good beginning that made you want to keep reading and an end that made you want to know what happened next.
Great job!



u can't have villains exist just 2 b villains
— ShadowVyper