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140,812 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Burying what deep within?
I love this line, however you need punctuation at the end with a comma and also the next line where you write 'A' should be 'a'.
This doesn't fit because you just said it was a CD and now you are describing a live performance.
Overall great job I like your interpretation of music.
You used lots of capital letters where you are not supposed to. You should fix that up.
i love the topic, and your wording of the whole thing. especially about the country music part lol. but i really liked how you told how music can effect anyone based on what kind it is. how music can take your breath away or give it to again, how it can give meaning, and how it it carry us into a different world if we choose to allow it. i also liked the part where you said how some singers sound, or how they want to express their song in what ever emotion. its very well written good job
Hey Shadow,
I like what this piece is trying to say - that music is powerful and can influence us, and the emotional quality of music too. How music can be relieving and sooth us in our times of stress and struggles, and how music can be a way to express and vent out emotions - all of this too, can be found in poetry ^-^; so in many ways as a fellow poet, I can relate.
The only thing is that while this is a narrative that tells us all of the above - it doesn't exactly present an experience, which is the thing that poetry should always aim to do; and it doesn't quite have a lyrical quality or beat to it, which is the thing you'd want out of music. I am actually rather grateful though that you didn't try to rhyme - and while I am liking the shorter lines - the short lines get bogged down when you have a poem as long as this, so in the end, you end up right where you started. I would rather have a few longer lines communicate an idea better, than a whole bunch of shorter lines that don't communicate as much. It's not to say that I prefer my poetry short or anything - I LOVE long poetry - but each line, each word has to say something different, for that is the nature of poetry - poetry is a medium that aims for finding Truths. In your case, you speak about the Truths of music and the experience that listening or even writing music can achieve - but you have to present this Truth by being precise and clear- otherwise, you're just left with a bunch of haze and confusion and that's the opposite of what you want Truth to be.
Another suggestion I have for you is to write through images and metaphors. Just like where in prose you would hear "Show, don't tell" - so in poetry, we must also show an experience and create an experience in the reader - rather than tell them it is so. Rather than telling the reader, "Music moves us" - try to create a melody or lyric that can evoke emotion, so that the actual poem (with musical elements!) will literally move the reader and evoke emotions in the reader c: In this way, you pack more punch for your word and your poem becomes more powerful and more memorable.
Let me know if you have any questions or would like to chat this one over.
~ as always, Audy
Alright. Your title was what brought me here in the first place, I expected a little more imagery and emotion in this poem but I'm sorry to say I didn't see that as much. I'm not sure if this is a freestyle poem or an ABAB rhyming style, because it seems to switch between them all for me.
"The artists, singing,
Pouring their heart out,
Up on the stage,
In front of us all."
You're using "artists" which is plural, then this should be "Pouring their hearts out".
"Admitting the hurt,
Showing us pain,
What great bravery,
When they get up again."
"Admitting the hurt" Doesn't sound right.. "hurt" should be changed.
"Showing us pain" The word showing is too simple, it should be changed too, depends on what you think though.
"The beat can be harsh,
When the words that come
Are angry, a knife in the back,
And revenge is all they want."
This stanza has its meaning all over the place. The beat is only harsh when the words said are angry? A knife in the back is kind of a cliche.
"When the words that come" The word 'come' doesn't fit there.
You talk about the genres Country and Rock in your poem and you seem to explain them from your point of view, but what is this explaining? From what I'm reading you seem to split Rock into two sides? An angry and slow beat? Correct me if I'm wrong.
"The beat slow,
When the song is
Full of hurt, wrongs done,
A friend could do so much."
Overall, I think the words 'beat' and 'hurt' are overused. This poem needs more revision and some minor tweaks and a totally rewritten ending stanza, because I think it's way too cliche. Sorry for the harsh comments, but I'm just commenting on what I read.
~Toe