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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
I feel like your linebreaks need improving in this poem. The whole thing is great and I really enjoyed it but your linebreaks were abrupt and turned it jaggard. For example:
This could alternate be written like so:
[b]When the words,
Flow freely,
from my pen,
Onto the paper.
It brings a smile,
To my face,
Knowing that they only
have to wait and be read.[b]
I also fixed the phrasing in the final line of that example.
The first line should be:
A phrase written,
in perfect solitude,
Anyway, have a nice day.
Hello ShadowVyper,
You've chosen a quite common subject choice for the basis of your poem. I have lost count of the amount of pieces of writing I have read about either (a) writing and how much the poet values it, or (b) writers block. To be perfectly honest, any writing about that subject choice is never as interesting anymore because it is such a common topic for writers. It's also quite and easy, if overwhelmingly emotional, topic for writers to base their writing on. Probably because writing is their passion and writing about it makes it almost double and passionate and strong. That's fine, but if you read many of these kind of works you notice a definite trend and style carried out throughout all of them. In short, it makes it feel like you're reading the same poem over an over again, except with a different writers name published at the bottom.
Despite the subject choice though, I really do think you have some talent with writing. The way you composed this made it seem almost melodious and the words seem to flow nicely, so I congratulate you on your choice of wording as it was very effective and each line seemed to flow into the next. Often with the layout you have used for a poem it can appear chunky or awkwardly structured but this didn't. With that said, make sure you do focus on structure next time, this format worked this time, but usually that wouldn't be the case. Just something for you to watch out for.
Now I have a few small corrections; grammar, punctuation etc.
"Knowing that they’ve
Only to wait and be read."
I didn't understand this part, I think you meant:
"Knowing that I've
Only to wait for them to be read"
Maybe that wasn't what you meant, but regardless, you need to change that part. It doesn't make sense.
"From my pen to the paper,
From my paper to the screen"
Honestly, I don't think you should include the part about the screen. I understand what you mean, but it's distracting because this isn't written in a modern style and references to technology stand out and appear odd.
My favourite part was the fourth stanza because it was more cleverly crafted and didn't directly refer to the writing more then how it actually affected you as a person:
"A phrase written in,
Perfect solitude,
Or whilst sitting,
Surrounded by a multitude."
Despite my criticism though I really did enjoy this poem. Your passion for writing is plainly evident, I just think that expressing it like this is too cliche and dull. I'm sure you have loads of talent so why not show the reader that, rather than just talking about how much you enjoy it, I can't wait to see more from you. Keep writing!
From EnchantedPanda
Hey! First of, apologies for typos or autocorrect. (touchscreens, hehe)
I always always always pick on the rhyme schemes. I do not like them, even when executed perfectly, and when inconsistent they practically drive me mad.
Just some personal OCD.
Anyways, on to the substantial par of the review.
In the firs sentence, all I could think was "Oh no. Oh God no. Comma overload like all hell has broken loose."
okay perhaps I'm being a bit of a drama queen... (; but seriously. It's in need of less commas. Here, I'll try this out real quick (It's getting really late so if I'm not making sense pm me and I'll clarify this.)
When the words flow freely
from my pen onto the paper,
it brings a smile to my face
knowing that they've only to wait
and be read.
Your stanzas and lines are short and commas at overused, but said from that I'd like to say just a little bit about the subject matter. the topic of writing is addressed far to often in writing, and I'd like to say that I'd like to see it a little les or presented in more original ways.
it's not a bad thing, just a beginner thing. (Wow, that sounds snobbish.) Anyways, I kind of tear this apart and I apologize if I sounds wayyyyyy harsh or incoherent.
Keep writing (and pm me for any questions)
-- Rylee