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Young Writers Society



Tryal's Curse 8.1

by Pompadour


Chapter Eight~

Climbing the Steeple





The Syti Central Station was mostly empty when they arrived. It was an old station, the oldest in all of Adreitus—but business had shifted from Syti to Tanka seven years ago, and now it was rare for crowds to come milling in before nine o’clock. Thick boughs stretched overhead, leaves peeping from between the wooden rafters; they arched magnificently over the track. Long ago, people said, nymphs had been cursed here, turned into trees that curved up—higher, higher—and when King Nurr came into power two hundred years ago, he had commanded for a railway to be constructed through the tunnel of trees. 

But whether the story was true or not, the fact remained—the Syti Central Station was a beautiful place.

Evian, unfortunately, could not entirely appreciate it. His head—along with every bone in his body—felt like it had been tossed into a rabbit hole and spat out on the other side of the world.

Sunlight streamed in through the spaces in the ceiling, the wooden passage that led into the waiting area seeming to sway around them as they walked. Discs of light fell at Evian’s feet, flickering every time the ceiling fans whirred, growing dimmer and brighter in a way that made his eyes hurt.

He was confused—very confused, still dumbfounded at the realisation that Warren’s slave girl was the same person who had helped him onto a life raft some fifteen years ago. But how was she still the same age—shouldn’t she be as old as him now, or older? He had openly stared at her as she went around the room doing her tasks, before realising how utterly rude he was being. Since then, however, he had been unable to look at her. Her face constantly danced in front of his mind, but he had never remembered her before, not once in fifteen years. Was she important in some way? Why had the vampires frozen her face in his mind? She reminded him of Eleanor. He could not remember anything about her besides—had he talked to her, all those years ago? What had happened next? Evian’s memory after the shipwreck was a huge blank; all he remembered after that was arriving at Lacknurst, a village by the sea, although how he got there was a gaping blank, too.

He inhaled—a deep, shuddering breath. The box he was in smelled of dust and boot polish. Candles were stacked around him, around his feet, a couple clutched in his palms. Thin sheets of paper were above his head. Whenever Evian moved, they rustled.

He had never been more uncomfortable in his entire life. Once more he thought anxiously of Edith, trying not to wince as sweat accumulated between his shoulder blades and streamed down his face. His neck itched. He wanted to cough.

Instead, he remained quiet, trying to get his bearings. They were in the waiting room, he assumed, because the trolley had stopped rolling and he could hear the girl, Lira, breathing heavily from behind him. When Warren had informed him of what she had to do, she had stared at him, slack-jawed, then stared at Evian, then stared back at her master as though unsure she had heard properly. Warren had repeated his orders for good measure, and Lira had nodded unhappily, but gone down to the station without complaint.

Really, though, Evian thought, he was the one who ought to be complaining. He was the one sitting in the box, wasn’t he? Although it was the best idea they could have come up with, and he was glad for it. He remained quiet, counting the fingers on his hands—ten in total, how very shocking—and listened closely for any footsteps. The train they were catching—the Steeple—was due to leave at eight o’clock. Evian supposed they had around fifteen minutes left. Behind him, Lira clicked her tongue impatiently, her foot pattering rhythmically against the ground. Evian tried not to fidget.

Two minutes passed by. Then—as Evian’s eyes began to close, he heard the click of heels against the wooden floor, and his eyes snapped open.

Lira’s eyes nearly gaped out of her sockets. She stared at the approaching woman, who was a mix of beautiful and frightening, her eyes darker than her hair—black, the kind you could lose yourself into and forget every inch of your being. Fangs jutted over her lower lip, so white that they made her pale face look grey in comparison.

She looked at Lira and smiled. Lira felt a shockwave pass through her; her hands thumped on the top of Evian’s box, and he felt it, too. This woman was dangerous. She was not the trainmaster, either. He was sure of it.

When she spoke, her voice sounded clammy, like cold stones beneath jaded flesh. ‘You are a slave girl, child? I can see the sash tied around your waist.’ She bent lower, smiling at Lira, who averted her eyes and shuffled backwards. The woman laughed, a delicate, fragile laugh unsuited to someone who was so cold in demeanour. ‘Come now, don’t be afraid.’

In the darkness of his box, Evian rolled his eyes. The poor girl, he thought. The poor, poor girl. He tried not to fidget, but he dearly wished he could help Lira in some way.

Instead, he clenched his teeth and listened.

‘I am heiress to a large fortune, my dear,’ the woman was saying. ‘Heiress to the throne of the L’amir, the Princess’—she made a fancy flourish with her hand—‘of the Vampire Clan of Adreitus.’ She grinned; her teeth were very evenly set, bright and sharp. Her fangs appeared to glimmer dimly, and grow longer—before, they reached down to her collarbones and now—now they were like tusks. Elephant tusks, thought Lira.

She shivered involuntarily, stepping back and behind the boxes. The woman laughed again. Lira wondered, blearily, what exactly was so funny, but she didn’t find out; the woman grabbed her wrist.

‘I have been searching for a child— a slave girl, and you fit the description perfectly, my dear. Our kind have been searching for you, I can offer you everything … everything your girlish heart has ever desired.’ Lira gaped at her, eyes wide and untrusting. She tried to pull her hand free, but the woman merely tightened her vicelike grip on her. It felt like she was trying to mark her, somehow, mark her skin with a glaring purple bruise—or perhaps create an indentation in the bone.

‘Let go of me,’ Lira croaked, her voice harsh with underuse. ‘Please—I have to deliver for—for my master—’

‘Never mind that, child,’ the woman persisted, her eyes flashing impossibly dark, until Lira felt like the great gaping black holes would swallow her up. She couldn’t breathe.

‘What is your name, child?’ the woman asked, her voice frostlike, her hands clammy and white on Lira’s own. Lira shook her head violently as a way of answer. She tried to pull her hand back, digging the heels of her work shoes in the dirt.

The woman’s grip tightened further. She tugged Lira forward, still smiling in a manic way, as if this was how she employed all her servants. Lira cried out in pain as the woman twisted her arm. An unidentifiable force seemed to well up inside her, as the woman continued to manhandle her, tugging at her hair and dragging her along the floor, towards the track.

The station was still largely empty, the smoke swirling too thickly around them for anyone to see them properly in the gloom. And even if they did, Lira thought angrily, they would never be able to tell that there was something odd about it. Just another disobedient servant girl with an irrational fear of trains, she thought. The anger, the unfairness of it all—she had never wanted to be here—rose up her throat, burning like bile. Her eyes spat vitriol. Her teeth chattered and her ribs heaved and her heart seemed to be like a shutter—now clanging against her lungs, now shrunken to the size of a raisin. She felt unsteady on her feet. Her wrists were numb; her scalp ached from where the woman had grabbed her.

Lira was, in simple words, angry. So she did what most people, in a fit of rage, do best.

Lira yelled.

The result of that simple, girlish shriek was incredible. The woman—the heiress of L’amir, Lira thought viciously—let go of her, her mouth parting with slight surprise. Lira fell to the ground with a thump.

Startled, she realised that the woman was now lying five feet away from where she had been originally standing. She didn’t remember hearing her crash onto the ground, now in a most ungraceful heap at the feet of an old, blind woman who whacked at her side with a wooden cane.

Lira’s palms burned. The area around her feet was singed slightly and her toes, too, felt warm. She jiggled them, glad when they scraped the material of her black shoes.

Slowly, she stood up. The woman, too, stirred, her black hair covering her face and getting caught in the feet of uncaring passengers as they boarded the train. It was as if they couldn’t see her.

The woman sat up. She looked confused, cradling her head with her hand. Laughing lightly, she rose to her feet. Lira held her breath, not daring to scarper, not daring to move at all.

The woman turned and walked away, her hands brushing the dirt off her black dress, her hair an inky blob as the smoke swallowed her.

Lira watched her willowy figure disappear. 


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Sat Mar 19, 2016 5:01 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hullo again! I think I'm not so far off from where I started now which is kind of strange because I felt like I joined somewhere in the middle of the story before but at the moment I still feel like it's really early on. The characters haven't moved far from home and I think that's because you have a lot of them. I'm not sure if that matters - just an observation!

Specifics

1. I think you can't use 'they' in the first sentence of a new chapter, especially when you have so many characters. I need to know as early as possible whose chapter this is. Or at least I like to :p

2. It seems strange that Evian doesn't dismiss the notion of Lira being the same person who saved him fifteen years ago immediately due to her not being old enough. It would be more logical for him to wonder if the girl was some relation of hers and to be interested in discovering more about where the girl came from and who her family are. I feel like this is too 'dun, dun it's going to turn out to be Lira who saved him - isn't that exciting?'

I'd be more interested if the character was dismissive of it or at least tried to apply rational explanations which will later turn out to be impossible.

3.

He remained quiet, counting the fingers on his hands—ten in total, how very shocking—and listened closely for any footsteps.
I'm not sure I understand why he counts his fingers. It seems like an odd nervous reflex to have, if that's what it is, and I'm sure having him count something else could be used to add more to the setting. Like maybe he counts the buttons on his shirt and sees one is missing?

4.
When she spoke, her voice sounded clammy, like cold stones beneath jaded flesh. ‘You are a slave girl, child? I can see the sash tied around your waist.’ She bent lower, smiling at Lira, who averted her eyes and shuffled backwards. The woman laughed, a delicate, fragile laugh unsuited to someone who was so cold in demeanour. demeanor ‘Come now, don’t be afraid.’


5.
‘Let go of me,’ Lira croaked, her voice harsh with underuse. ‘Please—I have to deliver for—for my master—’
Should this be hoarse instead of harsh?

6.
Startled, she realised that the woman was now lying five feet away from where she had been originally standing. She didn’t remember hearing her crash onto the ground, now in a most ungraceful heap at the feet of an old, blind woman who whacked at her side with a wooden cane.
I'm not sure the old woman and the cane are necessary. This feels like an attempt to be humorous but it comes during a rather serious/ dramatic scene so it feels out of place.

Overall I find it interesting that the vampire lady laughed at the end and how unfazed she is makes her seem like a scarier character so nice job there.

The only thing I didn't like about this chapter was the point of view switching which was really jerky. We were seeing things through Evian's eyes and then quickly switched to Lira but I think this whole chapter could have been from Lira's point of view without losing too much. Or from Evian's with him wither looking through a gap in the boards from inside the box or just going off sound to decide what might have happened.

Everything else seemed pretty solid!

~Heather




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Sat Feb 20, 2016 12:15 pm
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steampowered wrote a review...



Hello Pomp, steampowered here with another review!

Overall, I thought this was a really well-written chapter and I’m really enjoying the book so far. Weirdly, now I’m in the swing of things I don’t find the character changes so annoying. We have Arlene, we have Malkolm and we have Evian. And they’re all really awesome and interesting characters (although Malkolm’s my favourite) – I’m interested to see how Evian is going to link in to the rest of the plot, though.

The one thing that immediately struck me was – how big is the box Evian is in? Some idea of dimensions might be nice.

Disks of light fell at Evian’s feet


Since you tend to use British spellings, I’d recommend you replace “disks” with “discs”.

The box he was in smelled of dust and boot polish


You do a really good job of describing the box, and unlike a lot of writers you don’t forget to mention the smell.

Once more he thought anxiously of Edith, trying not to wince as sweat accumulated between his shoulder blades and streamed down his face


From the way this reads, it’s Edith who’s trying not to wince. I’d replace the bit where the two clauses join with “anxiously of Edith, and tried not to wince”.

Lira’s eyes nearly gaped out of her sockets


This sudden head-hopping irritated me. I feel like you should put a scene break (a line of asterisks or whatever) in here, because Evian can’t see what Lira is doing. Also, “gaped” out of her sockets? Why not “fell” or “popped”?

I think most of what else I was going to say has been picked up on already, so I won’t waste your time by reiterating another reviewer. Which is why my reviews are so nitpicky… Sorry about that! :D

Keep writing!

-steampowered-




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Fri Feb 12, 2016 7:55 am
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Apricity wrote a review...



I'm back for another long overdue commentary/review. There are several thoughts that went around my head as I read this. I'll address the one that has been nagging me the most.


I think in this chapter, instead of going third person limited you went for third person omniscient or something like that. Because before, we could only get the thoughts of Evian but now we're getting both Evian and Lira? This was confusing for me because I kept on trying to separate who was who, was it Evian who was seeing Lira (but if so how could we hear Lira's thoughts) or was it vice versa. But then again, we also get to hear Evian's thought. Argh, my head. Or did you switch halfway through the chapter, because that seems to be what has happened here. Switching POV halfway through a chapter is something I highly discourage purely because it can be extremely confusing and instead of getting a nice whole picture, we're getting jagged, incomplete ones. In here, the transition was sort of chunky and it sort of jolted me out of whatever I was reading and I had to go back and reread it again.

The second was this

he Syti Central Station was mostly empty when they arrived.
Is this Lira speaking or Evian speaking, if Evian is in a box (I have no idea how he'd fit in a box unless this box you're referring to is a carriage). But say if he is in a box, how big is that box, and how can he see? It's been quite a while since I've read the last chapter but I don't think it was Evian's POV. So are there any holes in this box, otherwise how would he know that has arrived at the station. He appears to have seen the vampire woman quite clearly, so I'm guessing that the hole is at least 5cm - 10cm long. I guess I just want some more details as to Evian's whereabouts because all I know is that he's in a box and Lira's driving him somewhere. There are some train of thoughts in which Evian tries and reflect on Lira's relationship with him. This I like since I can see why Lira might be so important to him, I'm hoping I'll see more of this later on.

Then there's the vampire woman. I'm still unsure to what status vampires have in this world of yours. Mainly I just have some suggestions for that scene, it seemed strange that she backed off so easily after she had been searching for Lira for so long. I couldn't get a good grasp of her personality, usually when people search for someone for so long they either go violent and make sure they get the victim or get the victim to trust them. If she did extended research on Lira, wouldn't that also mean she knows about Lira's ability (whatever that is) so why didn't she approach Lira with more caution?


‘I am heiress to a large fortune, my dear,’ the woman was saying. ‘Heiress to the throne of the L’amir, the Princess’—she made a fancy flourish with her hand—‘of the Vampire Clan of Adreitus.’


I'm also slightly iffy with that part, why would she disclose herself to Lira. Would Lira be impressed by this status, or be scared? It'll usually be the latter, if she is smart I think the logical way would be to either use her vampiric powers or to take Lira by force. So why did she just walk off so easily, is she scared she doesn't appeared to be scared. Was this just a test to test Lira's ability but even so, I still don't understand why she would back off. She seems ruthless just moments earlier, persistent to take Lira with her. What exactly did Lira do to her that was so bad that she backed off.

I'm sorry I must have repeated myself a billion times but the ending scene just frustrated me a bit because I felt confused, I was expecting some confrontation or at least something to sink my teeth into. But what I encountered seem to be something very light. I guess keep this in mind, it's partially because you haven't mentioned Lira was being chased. Usually when characters are constantly chased, they'd be more or less aware of it or you as the author, needs to give the readers that sense of chase before introducing the chaser. Otherwise we go, 'oh...there's someone chasing her now? But why?'

For example in Robin Hobb's Fitz & The Fool trilogy, Hobb spent a good half of the book telling us why Fitz's daughter/son was being pursued so when we finally saw the scene it made sense. (There was a twist) but you get what I mean.

However, I really like Lira's character. She's very wholesome, all your characters are in a way and I can't wait to see who Lira really is and her role in TC. I'll get to the rest of your chapters soon. And of course, if you have any questions please feel free to ask me.

-Hir


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Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:04 pm
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey Pomp! C:

You'll have to bare with me; I'm far more confused than normal due to hopping in for a review at chapter eight and also because I'm just really confused lately in general.

I'm reading along and I keep expecting something really quirky to happen, because when I've read your stuff before you have this delightful way of making things seem so retro- that's not quite the right word at all... but they just always are so interesting and odd, which I mean in a good way. But it also occurred to me that that's almost a selfish (again I'm trying to find the right word) way of me to think because you can write whatever you want. I don't even know if that made sense. I guess what I'm saying is... I'm still thinking there's going to be some quirkiness, but I'm also coming to terms with the idea that not everything written by you has to be quirky!

He remained quiet, counting the fingers on his hands—ten in total, how very shocking—and listened closely for any footsteps.


I really like this line.

Vampire Clan of Adreitus.


I know this is probably incredibly nit-picky, and of course it's COMPLETELY your choice, but I just thought the name for this... organization of - I'm guessing vampires - could be a little more interesting, or creative. The "of Adreitus" adds a bit of mystery (for me at least since I don't know what Adeitus is) and interest, but other than that it might benefit from something less obvious than "Vampire Clan". Then again, it might not even be FOR vampires so who am I to say anything?

I think this work feels a bit too formal to me. Maybe that's just me, but I get a feeling that everyone's in suits and they're all very busy and only bother lending their time to "important" people- which is fine, of course, especially if that's what you were going for. But it can get a bit dry if there isn't a whole lot of excitement happening in one form or another. But then reading it again I'm not sure if it's a problem or not.

Sorry for this odd review, I hope it's somewhat helpful! I'm confused what it's about, but it seems to have something to do with vampires- which I'm looking forward to seeing what you'll do with. I'm not exactly promising that I'll follow this yet but I might, because I am curious to see where this is going! Keep it up!!!

-Holy




Holysocks says...


Let me clarify. I'm not saying this piece WASN'T quirky, I was just saying it felt a bit less quirky than you normally write- maybe, and that's completely fine. C:



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Mon Feb 01, 2016 10:40 pm
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Vervain wrote a review...



Hey, Pomp! Same deal as last time, I haven't read most of this, so I'm going into this semi-blind—hopefully I'll have more criticism on this chapter than I did on the last one, haha!

Let's see. One of the first things I noticed is that you're using em dashes a lot in this chapter; I'm guilty of that, too, but it doesn't seem to fit fluidly into your prose here as it does in other places. You're using em dashes where other punctuation would fit better—which leads to a stilted feeling in the prose. (See that?)

And I know it's really tempting to use dashes all the time, because they do tend to create a more dramatic feeling or more of a separation between two clauses, but the fact is that I found myself paying more attention to the em dashes than the description in the first bit of this chapter, and you know I adore your description. I just hate to see good prose bogged down by punctuation addictions, you know?

I praised you for smooth transitions in POV in your other chapter, and I did mean it there, but here it feels a little clunky; I don't feel the natural transition as much as I did with Arlene and the lot, and it feels a little forced in the omniscient voice.

Your prose in general feels a little stilted in this chapter; you have a lot of repetitive syntax, which usually works with your writing style, but here feels dry rather than whimsical middle-grade like I'm used to reading from you. Maybe it's just a product of this being an LMS chapter and thus "I must write it or else face the consequences", feeling a little forced or what have you, but this just doesn't seem to fit into your writing style as well as the other chapter did.

Well, whatever writing bug this chapter has, it's nothing that kept me from enjoying the plot. Of course your characters intrigue me, and you know I adore what you do, so keep writing!





I say, in matters of the heart, treat yo' self.
— Donna, Parks & Rec