Tryal's Curse 4.2

by Pompadour

Published September 16, 2015

12+

In Tryal's Curse--Novel~

~2057 words


Evian was fully expecting to collide with someone as soon as the door shut behind him. The Hawkstead Inn was forever close to bursting with people, even during work hours. The last time he had been here a vampire had decided to chuck the contents of his suitcase at him. Evian had nursed an unsightly bruise for days after that, and had explained it at the Office as a ‘clumsy accident on his part’. He smiled slightly at the memory—Evian Threshold was hardly, if ever, clumsy

But tonight, Evian was not met with drunken staggers. He did not happen to fall face-first into the middle of a brawl, nor did he have his ears serenaded by the dulcet tones of people cheering people on over something he did not understand.

No—tonight was highly unconventional in this respect:

Evian Threshold was met with surprise.

Inside the Inn, it was mostly dark and mostly quiet. 

Evian shifted slightly on his feet; there were only a couple of people standing beneath the archway that led into the main room, talking amongst themselves in low voices. One of them wore a fine, blood-red cloak; it burned Evian’s eyes just to look at it.

The men continued their conversation steadily, not breaking eye contact with one another, as if they were in a battle not just of wits, but of gazes. They remained unperturbed even as Warren pushed past them; they simply stepped out of the archway and into the hall. Warren turned his head towards Evian and silently raised a hand in his direction. Wait, his glare said. Evian scowled at him.

Warren delivered a prize frown back. Then he turned on his heel and disappeared into the dark of the main room.

Evian leaned against one of the oak-panelled walls, trying to organise his thoughts from the medley they had fallen into. But it was useless—his thoughts were circuitous, always ending with his worries about Edith, or wondering how on earth he was going to get the Orb back. Because he had to get it back; it was unthinkable that he not try, even. Evian shifted uneasily, wiping his hands on his pyjama pants. He could not specify the moment he had realised that the Orb was this important, or even why it was all that important. He just knew, that was all.

He diverted his gaze—and his thoughts—to the men standing beneath the archway. They were speaking quickly, their mouths forming strange words—a language, Evian thought, from the old Vampire legions. Róndian, perhaps, or Paerish, or some other obscure tongue the likes of which flooded the historical texts in all the schools these days. He attempted to listen in on the men’s conversation. The men, he gathered, must be vampires—their words curled around their tongues too easily, like music, while the language of men was coarse and hard. At best, the language of men could be smoothed with sandpaper, but even then the bumps in the tongue would forever remain.

Besides that, both men also had rather pointy, furry ears—and fangs. Either those were extremely realistic costumes, Evian thought drolly, or they were vampires.

He was inclined to think it was the latter.

Evian’s stamped his foot on the ground impatiently and crossed his arms over his chest. He wanted dearly to follow Warren, but he had a feeling that stepping into the tavern was not the wisest choice. He would attract too much attention, in his current state. But—Evian looked at the door again through which they had entered—he felt much too … exposed here. What if someone happened to enter the Inn—a messenger? The Crew—Luin himself? Evian couldn’t stand the thought.

And what about Edith? What if Luin decided that instead of searching for Evian, it would be more appropriate to kidnap his wife?

The hallway was lit dimly with lyte-fixtures—it would be madness to have torches in a building made largely of wood—and the harsh shadows sweeping across the room looked even more menacing in the low light. Evian fiddled with his fingers, drumming them against his leg. Once more he cast a wary glance at the vampires. What was taking Warren so long? Before his common sense could chastise him, Evian walked through the archway.

This time, unfortunately, the vampires noticed, especially because Evian attempted to shield his head with his hands as he passed by. It could also be because he reeked badly of sweat and gutter water, but in order to preserve Evian’s dignity, it is best not to comment.

Perhaps it would be necessary to state that Evian also found the vicelike grip on his arm rather frightening. His instincts told him to run, but logic told him that he couldn’t—not unless he particularly wanted the vampire to tear his arm off.

The vampire in question leered at him. ‘We were talking,’ he said, the sentence sounding oh-so-very-odd on his tongue, as if it had cost him some effort to construct it. His ‘r’s rolled into forever; his ‘t’s sounded like ‘d’s. Evian would have laughed at the vampire, were he not afraid to.

Instead, he gulped. The vampire’s fangs looked even larger up close, and his eyes were yellow, and his gaze was piercing, and—ow— ow! Evian’s arm burned where he touched it. He looked up at the vampire, focussing on his nose instead of his eyes, and said,

‘My sincerest apologies. I didn’t know how to get past without offending you—if I may pass?’

He cringed inwardly at his forced politeness, but exhaled with relief when the vampire’s hold on his arm loosened. Evian moved a step forward—almost immediately, the vampire’s burning hand was once more pressing into his flesh.

‘You are Evian Threshold?’ he asked, stooping slightly until his eyes were level with Evian’s own. His pupils dilated; the yellow in the vampire’s eyes flashed, and Evian felt a faint pinprick of pain at his temples. ‘Leoth! By the arms—restrain him!’

Everything escalated from there.

Evian didn’t know when—how—where—all he knew was pain, bright, flashing, an endless stream of pain hurtling through every cell in his body. He was on fire—the fire gave way to sudden chill—then, fire again, burning, massive; his bones were pillars. He could feel the floodgates of his mind giving way: memories broke free of him like water horses, rearing, neighing, until every feeling and thought he had ever experienced was not his own. The vampire held Evian by the throat; his companion grabbed Evian’s arms as he thrashed and flailed. A sharp, piercing scream was emitting from his mouth—but it was a scream Evian would never know or remember. He was far too trapped in himself to register anything—the crunch of wood, the cries of the vampires, their hisses … it was all beyond him.

Evian was floating. He was flying. He was tumbling through the severest kind of agony that was.

Re-living his worst memories had not been on Evian’s to-do list that day.

One second he was being tossed around in a sack, twelve years old again, hitting his head on the wooden walls of a luggage compartment. He was frightened; he was scared; he was bleeding. He called out for his mother and sisters. But nobody came—until a sudden burst of light washed over him and once more, he flew.

He tasted antiseptic. He tasted blood and brine. A pirate ship. Fog. So much fog. Evian mind-flapped in it, wishing it would all go away. He was fifteen years old, swabbing decks. Fifteen years old, being cuffed on the ear for something he didn’t do. Fifteen years old and starving thin. Evian had forgotten what the S.S Rebble had done to him, forgotten what it felt like to have every inch of your body blackened and covered with bruises. He had forgotten—and as the yellow-eyed vampire pressed deeper into his mind, he remembered. The pain of his thoughts, of the vampire’s presence in his mind, the tangle of arms and limbs that were his and someone else’s and fighting and screaming—all ebbed away.

Evian felt, suddenly, like he was caught within a dream…. To the vampires, of course, Evian’s dreamscape did not matter; they merely snatched fragments of Evian’s past as he tumbled through it again. One of the vampires held Evian’s arms behind his back—the other searched his mind for all the information he needed. He flicked his wrist as though sorting through stacks of paper, yellow eyes gleaming. It was lucky that the Inn was mostly empty. As it was, it was nothing out of the ordinary for men to be brawling in a pub—even if the brawling was not in a physical sense.

A young servant girl eyed the trio by the archway and wondered where her master had gone, before scurrying away to find him. Meanwhile, the vampire continued rifling through Evian’s mind.

Inside himself, Evian screamed.

When he was twelve years old, he had been smuggled to a different country and sold as a slave. When he was thirteen, he ran away, and found a job on a pirate ship. When he was fourteen, he had nearly died and been used as a shield in a mutiny. He still had a scar running along his back, a thin, spiraling thing that had been too shallow to cut him through, but was the result of an amateur being handed a rapier. When he was fifteen, the ship had been set on fire. On fire—on fi—i—i—re. He remembered the cries of the sailors, the crude swears, the yells as insanity throttled the crew’s last bit of good sense and cast it aside like a dead snake.

The ground underneath Evian broke open. He was drowning—drowning slowly—then faster, as the vampire flipped through his memories. These memories of pain were unneeded—they caused him as much misery as they did Evian. The vampire’s eyes narrowed, his jaw tensed, the vein in his temple throbbed and his ears flicked back and forth in irritation. Evian Threshold’s eyes were wide as he peered into them, wide and black and overwhelming like the vast expanse of sea that dominated his mind.

The vampire shared Evian’s thoughts—and at that moment a terrible fear gripped both of them, as they discovered that Evian was unconscious in his memory of fire and pirate ships.

And it was a fact that unconscious peoples could not swim. A bubble grew inside Evian’s chest, a bubble that was cold and filled with vacuum. The black expanse grew until it was as thick as oil.

Then—it cleared.

A tight knot formed in Evian’s mind, a knot of safety and stability; a firm hand gripped his own. He was pulled—up, up, up—onto a life raft. The vampire only caught the barest glance at a face—the same face Evian saw as he drifted into consciousness, and into unconsciousness again.

A girl with copper and yellow hair. Brown eyes. A scarf plastered to her forehead.

The vampire smiled. He stilled the image in Evian’s mind.

Then he let him go. 


When Evian came to, the first thing he noticed was splintered wood in his hair. He looked up—he was slumped on the ground. He didn’t remember how he had ended up there, so he rubbed his head. A red … something … fluttered into his vision. Wincing, he reached up and plucked at it, his arms feeling like they were made of broken bits of brick tied together. As he dangled the red something in front of his eyes, he realised what it was.

A strip torn off a fine, blood-red cloak. Evian sat up quickly, turning his head to the door just as it snapped shut, but not before he caught a crimson glimmer swishing off into the night. A thought formed in Evian’s mind; it carried wild urgency, dancing in bold letters across his mind. It was a thought that belonged not to him, but to a yellow-eyed someone—it echoed in Evian’s head, over and over again, in a foreign accent that rolled over ‘r’s and pronounced ‘t’s like ‘d’s:

Come to the House on the Hill when need may be. Ask for Aidan.

We will be waiting for you.

Then, the presence vanished, almost as though it had been whisked away. Like a bat, Evian thought, being carted away by the wind’s wings. 

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · Mar 8, 2016

Its been a busy few days, did you miss me?

Specifics

1.

Evian was fully expecting to collide with someone as soon as the door shut behind him. The Hawkstead Inn was forever close to bursting with people, even during work hours.
I think the use of 'forever' here detracts from the flow. Dropping it would make the line punchier.

2.
Evian Threshold was met with surprise.
I feel like the follow up on this needs to be sooner. It's too slow in reaching the surprise element and the plot feels like it's plodding.

3.
Evian leaned against one of the oak-panelled[Should be paneled.] walls, trying to organise his thoughts from the medley they had fallen into.
I'm not sure medley is the right word here. A medley is already organised in fact painstakingly so.

4.
Evian’s Evian stamped his foot on the ground impatiently and crossed his arms over his chest.


5.
Instead, he gulped. The vampire’s fangs looked even larger up close, and his eyes were yellow, and his gaze was piercing, and—ow— ow! Evian’s arm burned where he touched it. He looked up at the vampire, focussing focusing on his nose instead of his eyes, and said,


Overall

This is a good chapter! I'm still not an Evian fan but it's nice to see some backstory and it helps me to sympathise with him and to understand that his tough life might have led to who he is. I think the chapter had a bit of a rocky start with a little too much pre-amble but once we met the vampires it then moved perhaps a shade too fast. I'd have liked to see more dialogue before they invade his memories. While I know they don't need him to tell them anything, from what I saw of vampires later they like to talk and they like to play games with people and this seemed much more suddenly violent. I also wonder why they feel so safe to do this in a public place? Why don't they take him somewhere else first? Why doesn't someone stop them?

That's all for now!

~Heather

User avatar
Apricity
Review
Apricity wrote a review Review · Jan 31, 2016

ahoy, I'm back. I don't have much to say with Evian's chapters, I really like him as a character partially because his life is one that interests me and he's just adorable in general. I didn't review the previous chapters because there wasn't much I could say, one of the major problems I had with this chapter was with the vampires and Evian's backstory.

So it seems that Evian and vampires aren't the best of buds, except we're never told why they're not the best of buds. Are they the same vampires that Evian had a past with or were they a different sort of vampires? Their touch burn? If so, why? The introduction of the vampires were ok for me, it's a pub for all manner of folks but the way they intercepted Evian just seemed a bit out of the blue. If they did have a history with Evian, maybe a little bit of foreshadowing? AND WHO IS THIS EDITH, IS SHE THE GIRL THE VAMPIRES WERE LOOKING FOR? Sorry for the caps, I'm dying with curiosity.

The mind reading I feel was somewhat rushed too, it was a tumble of noises and senses but what bothered me was actually the way Evian's backstory was portrayed so blatantly. Thankfully there wasn't a lot of it so it wasn't an info-dump but at the same time, I'm sure you could find another way to get the information across without spelling it for us. It's really interesting, and I think you could probably exploit his fear of fire and drowning a bit more too. I'm guessing that after a mind reading, the person being read doesn't remember that they've been read? Like Queen said, I think it'd be good just to see a bit of Evian's reaction to it before he receives the message. And where did Warren go?

The overall pacing of this chapter wasn't bad, but at the same time it felt a bit rushed. The moment Evian stepped into the pub I was like, 'whoa, whoa, what happened.' And whilst I'm on this I think I mentioned this several chapters back, but wouldn't the pub be a good place to clue us in on this world? If there are vampires here, then are there other supernatural creatures? What kind of land is this?

Sorry about this juggled, short review. If you've got any questions, fire 'em at me.

-Hir

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TheCrimsonLady wrote a review Review · Sep 27, 2015

I'm ba-ack! Aren't you glad to see me! I'm winning my review-battle. (Christ, I hope you read my reviews back to back or you'll be so confused.)

Nose to the grindstone we go with nitpicks.

Evian was fully expecting to collide with someone as soon as the door shut behind him.

This isn't strictly a nitpick, but.. wait. Wait. Isn't he stark naked? And Warren (the inn's owner) just takes him in there through the front door? What about business? That's never good for business. Even though there aren't many people there... still. Still.

The last time he had been here a vampire had decided to chuck the contents of his suitcase at him.

Comma before 'a vampire'. Also, that's an unclear usage of a pronoun- did the vampire chuck the contents of his own suitcase or Evian's?

Because he had to get it back; it was unthinkable that he not try, even.

The part after the semicolon reads oddly; perhaps you could delete the 'even'. Or you could say 'not even try'. Neither is better than the other, but both are better than what you've got.

Evian shifted uneasily, wiping his hands on his pyjama pants.

So.. he's not stark naked? *plot holes*

At best, the language of men could be smoothed with sandpaper, but even then the bumps in the tongue would forever remain.

This makes a very loose, metaphorical sort of sense, as I'm sure you've intended it. I don't believe you need it, though- your narrator lingers on what seems to be nothing more than an unimportant character (species?) trait for too long.

Evian’s stamped his foot on the ground impatiently and crossed his arms over his chest.

Evian's? Evian. *grammar typo*

He wanted dearly to follow Warren, but he had a feeling that stepping into the tavern was not the wisest choice.

What? This isn't the tavern? Why was he expecting singing and such, then, in the beginning? Set the scene better- as of now, I'm extremely confused as to where Evian is.

What if Luin decided that instead of searching for Evian, it would be more appropriate to kidnap his wife?

When a government official does it, love, it's never kidnapping. It's arresting, or taking. Never kidnapping.

The vampire held Evian by the scuff of his collar; his companion grabbed Evian’s arms as he thrashed and flailed.

What? WHAT? Evian definitely does not have a shirt. He doesn't. He took it off. Warren never gave him one. I'm sane.

On fire—on fi—i—i—re.

Wh... why the hyphenation and repeating?

Like a bat, Evian thought, being carted away by the wind’s wings.

Although the personification would be appreciated in any other place, since bats already have wings, it's just... odd. I think of the bats being more in control of themselves that you depict.

End of nitpicks.

Aaaaah. Aaaaaaaaaah. That scene with the vampires. That was... beautiful. You give us wondrous backstory in the form of torturous vampires. I was eager for it to keep going, but happy when it ended. I think (for the first time, like, ever) that it can be more fragmented at that part, though, since it is inside Evian's thoughts. It also didn't make any sense that Evian saw the girl- I thought he only saw painful memories? I'd have it cut off right at the drowning.

Moving on- I would've, liked to see more of Evian's reaction to the note before you ended this part, simply because it'll be out of order if you mention it in the next part. The rest of your tone was fine, although the omniscient voice only really appears during the middle of the chapter- I would've liked to see more at the beginning (I won't mention the end since it's just Evian's thoughts.) Beautiful descriptions, and where you did use the omniscient voice- perfect. Just perfect.

Nice introduction of vampire into this world, both int his part and the last. I was happy to find out their features and how the sounded- now I'd like to know their social status. Are they equal to humans? Above? Below? You can show us this through your narrator telling us what Evian does- or doesn't do (i.e. is he supposed to bow or show deference).

That's all I really have.

See ya in a few!

~Rora

I forgot he wasn't wearing a shirt. D: *slams head on desk and chastises self for stupidity*

Vampires are, in actuality, equal to humans, unless they're royalty. Unfortunately, having fangs equals fears and hatred, and vampires versus humans racism are two themes I hope to explore (at least at surface level) in the novel.

I should catch up on your novel this week. D:

Thankyouuu<33!

User avatar
steampowered
Review
steampowered wrote a review Review · Sep 20, 2015

Hello, steampowered here for a review! Sorry I’m a bit late with this. *narrows eyes suspiciously* Where have all the other followers got to? Anyway, onto the actual review:

The last time he had been here a vampire had decided to chuck the contents of his suitcase at him


Sorry, but what does this mean? Do you mean the contents of Evian’s suitcase, because I thought it was the vampire’s suitcase and I just got confused. :/ I mean, what would a vampire carry in a suitcase? Bottles of blood or something? I’m not really sure…

had explained it at the Office as a ‘clumsy accident on his part’.


Since this is a quotation, I would put ‘clumsy accident on my part’ but that’s just my personal opinion.

Evian Threshold was never, if hardly, clumsy.


Don’t you mean, “hardly, if EVER”? I understand you like to create a certain degree of humour and quirkiness with your style, but I feel like this doesn’t read very well.

One of them worse a fine, blood-red


Dare I ask if you’ve been proofreading this, Pomp? ;) I think you meant to say, “wore”.

Evian didn’t know when—how—where—all he knew was pain, bright, flashing, an endless stream of pain hurtling through every cell in his body. He was on fire—the fire gave way to sudden chill—then, fire again, burning, massive; his bones were pillars. He could feel the floodgates of his mind giving way: memories broke free of him like water horses, rearing, neighing, until every feeling and thought he had ever experienced was not his own. The vampire held Evian by the scuff of his collar; his companion grabbed Evian’s arms as he thrashed and flailed. A sharp, piercing scream was emitting from his throat—but it was a scream Evian would never know or remember. He was far too trapped in himself to register anything—the crunch of wood, the cries of the vampires, their hisses … it was all beyond him.


*laughs evilly* I love it when this sort of stuff happens… a bit of mind-torture is always fun to read about.

And it was a fact that unconscious peoples could not swim.


Haha, I love this bit! Although… shouldn’t it be “people” rather than “peoples”?

I really like the fact I now know more about who Edith is, and I’m looking forward to reading on. Again, I have no idea who the protagonist actually is in this novel and I have no clear idea of what the actual plot is (I think I said this in my last review) but I’ll just go with it for now. Keep writing!



In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
— Robert Frost