Tryal's Curse 17.0

by Pompadour

Published February 1, 2016

In Tryal's Curse--Novel~

Chapter Seventeen: 
Blacksmith

Arlene's hands grappled at the stone wall as she fell. Her nails slid along its cool surface and she cringed, drawing her fingers inwards to curl up in her palm. Colour slid in from the walls, splashes of bright purples and blues that seemed to wash underneath and around her. Her hair flew behind her, stark red even amidst the melee of artistic overabundance. Bits of it stuck to the back of her neck, sweaty and matted with dust. The rush of cool air froze her face, so she wanted to gasp and breathe at the same time, but found that she was capable of doing neither.

The slide was endless, looping down along the side-tunnel like a meandering waterfall. Her frock gathered up between her legs, the slide's metal surface cool—yet oddly burning—against her skin. Her ankles stung. Her arms lay flat against the slide, too, outstretched slightly, as if she was caught in the mid-motion of making a snow angel. Every now and then, her hands would graze the tunnel wall; it was an odd combination of gems and rough stonework, all positioned with meticulous precision.

She wondered, dimly, who would have taken the time to build such a thing.

A scream was constantly lodged in her throat, which had started to ache very badly. Arlene found that screaming helped. It was how she had dealt with her distress—it was a security blanket of sorts, because she could not yell, or punch, or cry. She was a frazzled heap of aching bones, a cesspit of tiredness. Sleep was so very appealing; she wished she could close her eyes and descend into a comforting darkness--faint, even, but her nerves were all much too ablaze to grant her that desire.

She wondered where the tunnel was taking her. Even farther from Quixa, I bet, she thought sourly, trying in vain to ease herself into a more comfortable position.

Hours passed by--perhaps minutes, but Arlene had lost track of time long ago. Her thoughts drifted to the Meare, to Elborn, to Garnet and to Prince. She thought of Lira, the girl who had gotten into her head, the girl she knew so well that she could have been her sister. Shoulders hunched up, Arlene crossed her arms over her chest and exhaled. She needed to talk to someone, despite her thoughts being a strange assortment of wild, whirling nonsense. 

Pushing at the barrier that she had sensed during her last talk with Lira, she focussed on the other girl's thoughts. Lira's head was calm, for the most part, balanced and logical, but Arlene knew that she had suppressed a lot of cynical, bitter thoughts from surfacing during their ... head-chat? encounter? She wondered what one would call it.... Despite her mind-connect with Lira, Arlene did not know how the other girl had gotten to Adreitus. And now that she had felt Lira's misery swoop across the rim of her own mind, Arlene thought that she did not particularly want to know, either.

But she needed to talk to her. Talking to Lira had made Arlene feel more grounded, safer somehow. She wished for a moment, as the topaz-and-granite of the walls swished past her, that she could have shared this connection with Elborn. Maybe he could have helped her somehow. She gritted her teeth. What did fate know about its own choices, anyway? she thought angrily. How could it be so sure its choices were right?

Arlene knew she should be glad that she hadn't died, at least, but it was hard to be grateful for anything when you were rushing down a spiralling metal tornado toward the unknown.

'C'mon,' she hissed between her teeth, reaching out to Lira. Mind-reading, Arlene had discovered, was like unwittingly leaving inky fingerprints across paper when you didn't mean it. Other people's minds felt like grease, slipping in and slipping out, as fleeting as time, faster-paced and more confusing to navigate through than the Meargro caves. She felt and prodded in her mind with an invisible hand, searching frantically for the link, the connection that would enable her to talk to Lira again. 

But she found nothing. It was frustrating, and she could have groaned with dismay when her mind touched ... not the slippery feel of another's mind slipping like an eel from between her wrists, but a cold, stone wall.

The barrier between her mind and Lira's was up again.

Arlene stuck a fist into her mouth as she tried to spit out some hair that had gotten onto her tongue. She felt dizzy, hunger pangs gnawing at her stomach. Tears streamed out from her eyes, running down her cheek and pooling along her collarbones. For the first time in a long time, Arlene let herself cry, her shoulders shaking violently--she didn't even wince as her shoulder blades clashed hard against the metal of the slide. Her nails gripped into the skin above her elbows, digging in hard enough to draw blood. 

'Owhh,' she said, drawing her knees up and curling her arms around her legs as she lay.

She yelped when she lifted her head slightly: the shimmering gems that made up the side-tunnel's walls had begun to glow brighter. If she tilted her head upwards--just a tad--she could see an exit. It was close. Arlene drew in a deep breath. So close, like a gaping mouth that opened up and breathed a blinding light into an otherwise-darkness.

She laughed as she neared it, glad that something could swallow her up and take her away from this endless cycle of pain.

Her feet hit solid ground, and she got up unsteadily, trying not to trip over her own feet. She held her arms out just as she fell--her forehead crashed into the ground and her vision was marred with blotches of neon. It was hard to see. She sat up again, breathing hard. Her forehead was wet--she didn't know if it was sweat or blood, and she was not keen on finding out either.

When she stood up again, the world slid around her like a speck of light in a glass orb, swirling round and round her until she wanted nothing more to fall asleep and never wake up again. The cave the rock slide had led to was brightly lit, torches dancing in brackets along the rugged walls. Arlene wondered if this was Quixa's cave, and debated if she ought to continue walking to the right, or to the left. But as the torches seemed to blaze brighter and brighter, and the tiredness pricked at her eyes, and her organs curled up inside her body and pleaded for her to rest, all thoughts of Lira, and of her nightmares, left her mind....

She thought she registered dimly the sound of heavy footfalls before she fell asleep, but later, she would coin it to being a product of her own imagination. When she woke up a little while later, she was alone; when she curled up against the cold tunnel wall, she was alone. But something jarred her into abrupt consciousness not soon after.

The first thing she saw was a set of broken chessboard teeth leering at her. Instinctively, she knew she had come out into the wrong place.

His breath was hot and sticky against her face; it smelled like years of decomposition and frog mucus. Arlene blinked furiously, her eyes watering. She shuffled back, pressing her back into the wall of the cave. Her gaze travelled up to the strange man's face--he was huge and broad-shouldered, but his eyes were like tiny slits of light in an otherwise huge but empty room. His face was made of nothing but layers--layers and layers of wrinkled flesh that ended at his chin, each of them making a staircase down to the collar of his faded once-poppy-red overcoat. He smiled widely at Arlene, and the staircases stretched out on his wide face. His long, white braids swung in front of Arlene's face.

'H--aargh,' Arlene said, screwing her face up as she looked at him. 'Do you--do you know where...' she stammered, her throat feeling dry and flaky. 'Are you Ixister Quixa?' Despite herself, her voice came out as a squeak; her courage shrivelled to the size of a fly.

The man laughed, and his laugh sounded like the strangled cry of a man being led to the gallows. The sound echoed loudly, reverberating off the walls of the long, narrow cave that seemed to spine into forever. Arlene shielded her face with a hand, wincing as the man's braying sprayed her with spit. She thought he would never stop--his face was horribly contorted as he carried on and on, laughing as if the world depended on it. Arlene shuffled to the side and got to her feet, but the man's laughter had mellowed to silent fits of mirth. His shoulders shook as he turned to look at her with a gaze that was cruel, biting, and impeccably shrewd.

'I am not Quixa,' he said. 'That weasel of a man knows nothing--is nothing compared to what I am. My name'--he stood up straighter, until the top of his head brushed the ceiling of the tunnel--'is Blacksmith Tenor. I am the last Blacksmith.' He grinned, holding his head higher, looking down at Arlene over his large, bulbous nose. 'And you know this, do you not?'

Arlene shook her head.

'No?' The man's eyebrows furrowed. 'But never mind. You shall know. I am keeping you. You can be my new daughter,' he crowed. 'My own died of asthma twenty years ago. Didn't like the caves. But you'll do--yes, you'll do just fine.' He patted at his thigh, where a dagger was tied--sheath-less--to his belt with a piece of stout rope. 'Follow me,' he said to Arlene in his booming voice. Turning around with more agility than she would have expected him to possess, he walked down the tunnel, heading into a passage to their right. Arlene loitered, fiddling with the hem of her dress--which was now more of a patchwork quilt than a dress, really. She jumped when she heard the Blacksmith call out to her, and hurried into the passage behind him.

They walked on for half-an-hour, along a straight path that opened, finally, to a set of badly-built wooden stairs. As they ducked into the tiny alcove and went deeper than ever into the Meargro caves, Arlene swore that even the stalactites parted to make way for the Blacksmith's large head.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2016

Boy am I sleepy! Which I realise is not what you want to here but I'm super psyched to be here to review as well?

Specifics

1. Do we really need another chapter on falling? It took me a moment to realise this was Arlene falling in a new place and that you hadn't gone back in time but I'm still not sure you need it. The descriptions are nice so if you're really eager not to lose it, you could slide this between some of the earlier chapters when Malkolm was tracking the fall with his looking glass and have this as a description of the first fall or adapt some of it as such? It's hard not to skim read it when it comes at this stage in the story because it feels repetitive.

2.

She wondered what one would call it.... Despite her mind-connect with Lira, Arlene did not know how the other girl had gotten to Adreitus.
This feels a little awkward. We're in Arlene's head and she doesn't have a name for it so for the narrator to then call it the mind-connect in the next line is jarring. It would be smoother to assign it a name which Arlene has invented since we're currently in her head.

3.
Her feet hit solid ground, and she got up unsteadily, trying not to trip over her own feet. She held her arms out just as she fell--her forehead crashed into the ground and her vision was marred with blotches of neon. It was hard to see. She sat up again, breathing hard. Her forehead was wet--she didn't know if it was sweat or blood, and she was not keen on finding out either.
There's a couple of surplus words in this paragraph - the just which could be cut to give a smoother flow and the 'either' at the end. There's more emphasis without it.

4.
She thought she registered dimly the sound of heavy footfalls before she fell asleep, but later, she would coin it to being a product of her own imagination. When she woke up a little while later, she was alone; when she curled up against the cold tunnel wall, she was alone. But something jarred her into abrupt consciousness not soon long after.


5. This chapter gets interesting toward the end! I wonder if we couldn't have more of Arlene's thought process though - why does she follow the Blacksmith? Is it in the hopes that she can convince him to show her a way our or because that's better than standing still and she can hopefully get away from him later?

Overall

I'm not sure what emotion I'm supposed to be feeling in his chapter and Arlene's change a lot throughout as well so I felt it a bit hard to be fully immersed. I liked the end and the introduction of the Blacksmith but I also thought it was a little abrupt and I want to know Arlene's reasoning for following him. Maybe she's just that exhausted but I'd personally be telling him that I need to sleep. If he disagreed and threatened me with something sharp then fair enough but I'd want to at least suggest that sleep would be nice.

There's some good reflection going on in this chapter but I'm really waiting for some big action still! You've come close a few times and ended on cliff hanger-ish endings but not followed through yet. If you leave it too long, the suspense will be entirely gone by the time we get there. Like we left Elborn having just been called away or something and we've not gone back to him yet. People will put your book down between chapters so there could even be a few days between them reading the cliff hangers and getting the answers. Try not to do that too much.

See you at the next chapter!

~Heather

User avatar
steampowered
Review
steampowered wrote a review Review · Feb 20, 2016

Hello, steampowered here with a review!

ERMAGAWSH IT’S THE BLACKSMITH. And he’s taken Arlene to be his daughter. Ew, I feel so afraid for Arlene. He sounds like a really nauseating character… but hey, it ties in with the bit about the village that burnt to the ground and the kid with the fire magic, so hopefully we’ll see some interesting things through Arlene’s eyes.

What happened to Prince though? Please don’t tell me he’s out of the story completely… I really want to know what happened to him after he got into the chariot!

I’m kind of surprised by Arlene’s lack of emotional response to this guy. He seems to me to be a terrifying kind of person, but aside from a bit of nerves when they first meet she seems to go along with it without that much resistance. I understand she’s probably emotionally drained from all that’s happened to her, but even so I feel like a bit more of an emotional response is in order.

Also, just a small point, but how come he lives down in these exact caves? Isn’t Quixa, well, kind of a bit too close for comfort?

Overall, another strongly-written chapter which ends in a bit of a cliffhanger as we wait to see what will happen to Arlene next. I didn’t see any obvious grammar errors so no real worries there (also, I don’t really like nitpicking if I can help it as I don’t feel like I’m helping much when I leave a grammar review)

And I think that concludes my review. Off to review the next chapter!

-steampowered-

User avatar
GoldFlame
Review
GoldFlame wrote a review Review · Feb 10, 2016

Back again! I'm going to start with the negatives and end with the positives. (Also, heads up in advance for a technical review, which I'll try to compensate for with a non-technical review later--feel free to take everything I say with a grain of salt.)

She felt dizzy, hunger pangs gnawing at her stomach.
The cave the rock slide had led to was brightly lit, torches dancing in brackets along the rugged walls.
Arlene let herself cry, her shoulders shaking violently


I'm guilty of this:

Absolute phrases tacked on with independent clauses, exceeding the independent clauses in length, as a shortcut for incorporating complex imagery/character-setting information.

A small-scale instance of information-dump. Readers are naturally inclined to gloss past absolute phrases, to dismiss them; we seek initiators, not reactors. So I read and didn't absorb. Then I kept imagining the narrator exclaiming, "Now that we're on the subject...!" in a loud voice in place of the commas distinguishing the phrases (and I'm delirious on work--weird falsities keeps leaking out where I don't mean it to. Further warning >.>). Also applies to the standard dependent clause, participial phrases, appositive phrases.

Here, as in the case of a dependent clause:
A scream was constantly lodged in her throat, which had started to ache very badly


This would be much more effective broken apart into multiple sentences. The flow-snagging was deliberate, but the dependent clause snagged the flow to a point that the flow snagged. (Also, dangling modifier alert, and I'd check with the misuse of "constantly," the proximity of the two adverbs, and the intensity of the verbs. Try eliminating the "very" and restructuring the sentence from there.)

she thought sourly,
Her thoughts drifted
For the first time in a long time, Arlene let herself cry,


There's an absence of transitions from one emotion to the other; one second she's desperate and distressed, and the next she's irritated, and the next her mind is set rigidly on a motive, and the next she's mellow.

The narrator's describing Arlene's emotions with such flavor and zest that he's desensitizing us, bleaching her emotions.

Also reflecting on the tone: Bits of the writing style indicate that it's supposed to be lighthearted, other bits indicate that it's supposed to be detached and objective, and still other bits indicate that it's supposed to be heartstrings-tugging.

Her nails slid along its cool surface and she cringed, drawing her fingers inwards to curl up in her palm.
Colour slid in


Redundancy: slid and slid. I'm also not fond of the "her nails" sentence, as it dives into much more detail than is necessary--thinking for the reader, as if they're incapable of concluding the "curl up" from "fingers inwards."

The opening paragraph contains a lot of parallelism, in terms of sentence structure, and I keep staring at it. The parallelism dances on the line between parallelism and redundancy--but even if the parallelism contributed great things to the flow, it'd feel irrelevant.

The parallel structure constructs this nonchalant tone, which contradicts Arlene's intense emotions, further bleaching her emotions.

even amidst the melee of artistic overabundance.


Trivial, but I'd recommend another adjective instead of "artistic" to keep things from wandering into extravagant murkiness.

sweaty and matted with dust


Trivial again, but "matted" is basically a synonym for "entangled" (when it's used in "matted with dirt," it's describing how dirt is woven-poofed throughout the hair, and I can only imagine dust flaking over hair in a thin layer).

Much of the description could be fiddled with, I think. I'm going to end up sounding ten times harsher than I mean to, but it's not a problem exclusive to this chapter; there's a tendency for juxtaposition and over-extravagant adjectives/adverbs and such. Even minor things like "cool air froze her face." The narrator gets away with it because the way you weave clauses together is breathtakingly poetic (not to mention the fact that you're a sensory-detail goddess). The long sentences...
She was a frazzled heap of aching bones, a cesspit of tiredness.
Tears streamed out from her eyes, running down her cheek and pooling along her collarbones.

...don't always accommodate the situation. The opening sentences could be trimmed down considerably. Pieces of burnt crust.

Writing's golden rule: never use two words when one can do. My main impression is extravagance, as though most of the imagery exists to be intimidating; half of it can be severed and the narrator would communicate the same message. And I'm not just discussing excessive adverbs/adjectives, but also entire paragraphs. (It was a huge mistake to lump all my critical points together--bluntness unintended.)

The first four paragraphs could be condensed into one and achieve a better effect, I think.

Talking to Lira had made Arlene feel more grounded, safer somehow. She wished for a moment, as the topaz-and-granite of the walls swished past her, that she could have shared this connection with Elborn.


the feels <33

The Arlene-Elborn subplot intrigues me so much.

Just quick reiteration: Check verb usage. "Swished" (swish'n flick) feels strange in conjunction with "grounded" and "topaz-and-granite." I'm not happy about the topaz-and-granite interjection in the first place, actually, even though it does keep us tethered to the situation.

This backstory also feels tossed, not properly incorporated, which I've rambled about in previous reviews so I shalt refrain from expounding.

Mind-reading, Arlene had discovered, was like unwittingly leaving inky fingerprints across paper when you didn't mean it. Other people's minds felt like grease, slipping in and slipping out, as fleeting as time, faster-paced and more confusing to navigate through than the Meargro caves.


Technical: "Unwittingly" and "when you didn't mean it" is redundant.

This smells afterthought-y. The narrator might've intended a stream-of-consciousness interlude, but the interlude was popped in too suddenly and written too deliberately to feel stream-of-consciousness. It's also composed of several major ideas--inky fingerprints, grease, Meargro caves--which all clash with each other and send me spiraling; they're hung on a strand of phoenix feather.

Also, grrr with the excessive similes and metaphors. How'd you enjoy it if I treated them as cheap as leprechaun gold, sneezing them all over my review

I'd just recommend cleaning up this description, clarifying, trimming, elaborating at necessary points, all that stuff. Lining up the imagery. The Meargro caves reference startled me (Meargro's a difficult word to get your throat around, and a really awesome name.).

If you wrote a thirty-page-long section dedicated to describing Arlene's thoughts/perceptions of mindreading, I'd honestly gobble it up, haha.

She yelped when she lifted her head slightly: the shimmering gems that made up the side-tunnel's walls had begun to glow brighter.


Colon capitalization rules vary, but generally, if there's a single clause or a word or whatnot ensuing a colon, the first letter should be lowercase; if there are multiple sentences ensuing a colon, the first letter should be capitalized. (Is it the same in British-English? I couldn't find a concrete source, so I'm not sure?)

Anyway, colon capitalization rules aside, I think a colon feels awkward here. I'd avoid an M-dash because when they're used to bridge independent clauses, often, they look like a semicolon substitute, and they just contribute a bunch of awkwardness in general (check throughout). Maybe restructuring?

'That weasel of a man knows nothing--is nothing compared to what I am.


The dialogue is wonderful and authentic and delicious. I can hear real people talking, real people exchanging colloquial phrases, real people stammering and stuttering. The M-dashes create delectable pauses. The italics are on point. I adore the interjections.

It just all feels ... identical, in which I keep receiving the same voice. There's an overlapping quirkiness, formality, cutting-back-into-previous-thought-but-being-careful-to-avoid-redundancy. The only truly distinct characters in dialogue, I feel, are Arlene and Lira; there's something that distinguishes their femininity.

I love the characters as pieces of art (unnecessary brutality up ahead), but I'm finding it difficult to buy into all of them as genuine people. Each one's development is acutely dependent on body language/dialect, with the result of body language and dialect not feeling distinctive to each character.

Also, on dialogue technicalities, and I never thought I'd have the chance to say this because dialogue-breaking is what you're supposed to encourage writers to do: The dialogue breaks occur too frequently. It's like the narrator's trying to accommodate the reader's short attention span without realizing that he's shaping their short attention span. He musts maintain some degree of linearity. Roald Dahl (is awesome) writes adult short stories that're 90% dialogue, but you don't even take notice because the dialogue's so engaging--and 40% of what makes the dialogue engaging is the fact that it's cut from the narrative, and the reader can just blaze through it without having to restructure their thoughts every few sentences. There are obviously the occasional interjections to prevent the piece from becoming a script. Other than zat, howevers. (And Douglas Adams, and Anne Shirley's rambling dialogue, and much classic literature.)

Not that I'm discussing this chapter, specifically, but vague point for revision.

'My own died of asthma twenty years ago. Didn't like the caves.


Asthma's a chronic condition, not a disease/infection, so this part read a bit oddly to me. (Or maybe I just found it weird for the nonchalant way the character stated it. Either way, it's not a significant issue; feel free to ignore.)

OKAY
Now that all the horrible technical nitpicks are over with.

You're a genius when it comes to subconflicts. You've woven this amazing net of mini-arcs while still managing to stay on top of the main arc, and that's beyond admirable; each new episode of Tryal's Curse, I can expect something completely new and creative. I have a difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that this is a first draft and that you went into TC without having the entire novel sketched out inside your head. It reads so ... intricately layered. Mregh.

It's difficult to choose a favorite character because their personalities and motives vary so much, and I feel, despite reading all of this, that I've just barely gotten swept up in the wind of the novel and there's so much more amazingness to come. I shalt refrain from deciding for now. But I like Arlene. And Lira. And Evian. And Kelm. And Malkolm.

Man, the Blacksmith gave me chills. There's something huge in store and I'm slightly terrified XD

The way the puzzle pieces are fitting together...

You definitely handled the telepathy amazingly, and you're surreal when it comes to building atmosphere. Keep up the amazing work! I hope my technical nitpicks weren't too much, because there's a huge amount I love about this novel, and I definitely plan to stop focusing on so much technical stuff in later reviews <3

*scrambles to read Chapter 18*

<333 your reviews are freaking fantastic



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