(2628 words.)
Chapter Six~
A comedy of not-so-much
Evian drummed his fingers against the armrest.
He tapped his feet on the ground. There were seventy-five candles on the shelf
facing him. Fifty of them were red and the rest of them were white, and around
seven of them had been reduced to waxen stumps. Evian concentrated on the
candles, then pinched the back of his hand in an effort to stay awake. Glass
ornaments littered the desk. He looked at those, too, then turned to eyeing the
rest of Warren’s office with both distaste and … fascination.
It fit his personality very well—gaudy trinkets cluttered every available
surface: large, purple, spangled,
glittering and … large, Evian thought, wincing. But most of the things—Evian
ran his hand across the large oak desk—were also old. There was a dash of
antiquated wonder in everything he laid his eyes on, so he was torn between
wanting to sneer at the expensive objects and just staring at them. It was like
looking at the sun, Evian thought tiredly, in that it both turned your eyes to
gorse bushes but was just so utterly fascinating to observe. Fascinating,
observe, bushes gross—everything seemed to turn into a giant splotch in his
brain. All that was left dancing across it was the memory of the night he had
been shipwrecked—shipwrecked, Evian remembered, for the first time. But it had
most certainly not been the last.
He was too tired to think. His mind was warped and his thoughts spun in
circles. He dragged his hand across his face and slumped back in his chair. It
had been a long night. After the vampires had left, Evian decided that it was
easier to just doze in the same spot they had left him in, and he had been
aroused most rudely by an angry Warren. Fifteen minutes of being yelled at and
watching Warren yell at the little servant girl—who looked startlingly familiar—Evian
was shepherded into Warren’s office. He
was waiting for the man in question, currently, and trying very hard not to
fall asleep.
He resorted to staring at his hands instead, twisting them in his lap. Outside,
the sun was rising, dull light sifting in through the crack in the curtains.
Soon, Syti would awake, and the morning workers would arrive at the Local
Relations Office. And then—then, Evian
knew, it wouldn’t be soon before half of Syti knew of his escape, and the Royal
Rifle Crew would hunt him down.
Something lodged itself in Evian’s throat—something large-ish, like a lump,
except it seemed to tear into his throat. A plank of wood he couldn’t swallow
down. A crow that insisted on flapping its wings against his vocal cords. He
was tired. His limbs were burning. All he wanted was to go to sleep and sleep
into eternity.
The door to Warren’s office creaked open. ‘And cover the hole with a tapestry—I
don’t want to see a single splinter when I come back, you hear me? Or you’ll be
sleeping in the cellar!’ A quiet voice, whittled and shrill, replied, ‘Yes,
sir!’ and Evian heard footsteps scurrying away down the hall.
The door creaked shut.
Warren stumped into the room, his footsteps heavy against the wooden
floorboards. Evian’s gaze followed him as he plunked a metallic teapot most
unceremoniously on his desk and pulled a couple of dainty—but dirty—tea cups
from the nearest drawer. He glared at Evian as he poured the tea out, and
continued glaring even as he stirred the sugar in—ten teaspoonfuls, Evian noted drowsily, but he was too tired to say a
word. The encounter with the vampires, too, had left him in a stupor. Details
of the memory swirled in his head, like tea, swirling tea, and he stared into his cup for a while, clutching it
tightly between both palms until they burned.
Warren slammed his hand on the table. ‘Out with it—what do you want?’
Evian scowled. His head hurt. ‘You don’t have to yell,’ he said. ‘Though,
incidentally, you’ve always been fond of—’
Warren slammed his hand on the table again. Evian jumped, spilling some tea on
himself in the process. ‘You run up to my Inn at three in the morning,' Warren snarled, 'demand
help, get into a scuffle with TWO—I say two—customers,
make a dent in my wall, and faint.’ He hissed ‘faint’ like it was synonymous to
‘tore the place down and left the flooring’. A vein ticked in his temple, and
despite Evian’s better sense telling him that riling Warren up was not going to help, he did it anyway.
‘Oh dear,’ he said, tilting the teacup in his hands and feigning great interest
in its contents. ‘Fainting—such a ludicrous crime.’ He looked up at Warren and
nodded at him seriously, then rubbed at the stain on his pyjamas. At this rate,
he would smell of everything vile that existed before the night was up.
Although the sun was steadily rising.
His head snapped up as Warren made a strangled noise in his throat, something
caught between an ‘Aaagh’ and a ‘Yegh’. Warren’s face was red and blotchy, his
dark hair bristly on his large head. He seethed, and one of his ham-like hands
reached out for an ornament on his desk—the largest one, a prism made of glass.
His hand stopped a bare inch from it; he curled it up into a fist and slammed
it onto the table again.
Evian quickly set the hot liquid on the table and scooted his chair back. Warren
inhaled deeply and rubbed a hand across his face, before continuing, and Evian
looked at him quite warily. When he spoke, his voice was calm—much too calm for someone who had been
yelling at him a while ago and cursing his great grandfather Holeridge, whose
name even he hadn’t remembered.
‘I ought to have thrown you out, you
know,’ Warren said. ‘Ought to have thrown you out and let the night snap you up
in its unforgiving jaws. Damn the binding oaths of piracy. Damn the bloody life
debts—I don’t care if you pulled a sword from my leg, I’d’ve survived without your help and I don’t bloody well owe you.’ He sucked in a
breath. ‘Do you know who those people were, Whirlwind?’ he asked, tapping his
fingers against his desk, his flowered apron a stark contrast to the greyness
of his face. ‘They were vampires from
Dret—from Dret—from the council of
vampire Elders that’s in cahoots with those Ixisters—do you know how much power
they once had over the monarchy? Do you know,
that as the king lies dying, it is they
who have the most influence over the country? You saw the red cloak—yeah,
you’re turning it between your palms right now—and if they come back here
because you offended them, I swear, Evian Threshold, you will be dead before
they can finish the j—’
‘I know who they are,’ Evian said. ‘I
know and they’re the ones who—who did something to me, some weird vampire
magic or something—it’s not my fault.’
He curled his hand tightly around the piece of red cloth, twisting a loose
thread around his finger. ‘Besides,’ he continued, ‘what with the parting gift
they left me, I doubt they’ll be returning.’ At Warren’s raised eyebrows, Evian
explained, ‘They left an invitation in my head.’
‘An invitation in your head?’
‘Yes,’ said Evian testily. He leaned
forward in his chair. ‘An invitation in my head. Have you heard of Mind
Searching?’ Comprehension dawned on Warren’s face; his beady black eyes lit up
with interest, although the expression on his face remained as hard and
unfriendly as ever. ‘I think…’ Evian held the strip of cloth to the light, as
though expecting it to exhibit sudden magical qualities. ‘I’ve been mind
searched.’
There was silence. Warren’s grip on the table edge relaxed. He sat down, and
reached for his tea cup.
‘I didn’t know that kind of magic was around anymore,’ he said, finally. He
stared at his hands pensively, his eyebrows wild, his forehead scrunched up
with worry. Then he smiled, in a self-satisfied way. ‘I don’t suppose we shall
see much of it, though, not if the Blacksmiths win the war.’
‘The Blacksmiths?’ Evian asked eagerly. ‘What about the Blacksmiths?’
‘Never you mind,’ Warren said. ‘I suppose you’re a monarchy dingbat, aren’t
you? But that’s beside the point—’ He looked at his wristwatch, a bulky thing
that was strapped so tightly to his wrist that Evian wondered for a moment the
struggle it must have taken for Warren to squeeze it onto his thick wrists.
‘Out with it—why are you here?’
Evian ignored his question. ‘What war?’ he asked. ‘The Blacksmiths—I’ve heard
about them.’ He chose his words carefully. He didn’t want Warren to find out
about the orb—about the suspicious circumstances in which he had bought it. But
he needed to get the orb back—this, too, he knew, although he could only
vaguely identify why he needed it. He
ran a hand through his hair, before continuing nervously: ‘I was in the market
the other day. Saw a couple of tinkers selling … things. They had this—this
orb.’ Evian winced. At the mention of the orb, Warren had straightened
suddenly; his eyes widened, and he looked at Evian attentively.
‘Go on,’ he urged.
‘I—well, I asked them what the orb was,’ said Evian. The words tumbled slowly
at first—then faster, like a river crashing down a steep slope. ‘And they said
it was an invitation to a council, a council for the Blacksmiths a month from
now—a month from then, which would be
… next week—yeah.’ His mouth felt dry. ‘Next week. And I asked them about the
Blacksmiths, because I’d only heard rumours, and—and those stories, of the clan
of Orn and how they lost to the vampire king, Dreidas, five generations back—you
know the one, don’t you?’ He paused, and Warren nodded, and the river crashed
and tumbled from his lips once more. ‘So anyway, they told me that one of the
great great grandsons of Blacksmith Tenor, that—I think he was the lieutenant
in the battles?—was trying to gather followers again, and that there was going
to be a meeting of sorts by the Meare, somewhere by the caves or—well, I’m not
really sure, but the orb had a map that you could tap into. It was like…’ Evian
attempted to draw in the air with his hands. ‘It was like a tunnel that twisted
and turned in strange directions. I wanted to go. I wanted to see this for
myself.’
‘And you’re aware,’ said Warren, ‘that the men could have been tricking you into
buying a pretty looking ball?’
‘I thought of that as well,’ said Evian, gripping the soiled material of his pyjamas between his fists. ‘But it had the crest on it. I
rubbed at it with oil, tried to write an engarvment on it—nothing worked, and
the crest was too—too real, as exact
and intricate as the paintings in the books. Then I spoke to it—the password,
the cart-owners said would work on it—and the orb displayed the message on the
wall. I nearly jumped out of my skin.’ Evian laughed nervously, a reedy, high, humourless laugh that turned into a groan halfway through. ‘And
tonight—last night, I don’t know—’ He
rubbed at his forehead, exasperated. ‘Inspektor Luin came. With the Royal Rifle
Crew. Found the orb. I ran. Came to you.’ He picked his now cold cup of tea,
then just as quickly placed it back on the table. ‘You owe me,’ he said. ‘I
gave you a succinct summary—and you owe me.’
Warren placed his fat chin on his steepled fingers. Evian waited for him to say something, but
for a while, no one spoke.
‘Yes, I do. It’s most unfortunate, I’m sure you’ll agree.’ He drummed his
fingers against the table in a most irritating manner. ‘What do you want? As it
stands now, you can either run, or … you can hide. Getting the orb back is out
of the question, at least currently.’ He stood up again and began pacing around
the room. He stopped by the window; a ray of bright light shone in through the
slit in the curtains. It illuminated the wrinkles on his face and Warren looked
… old, Evian realised with a start. Old and tired. But then he looked back at
Evian, the self-satisfied glint back in his eye. ‘I am of the position to make
you an offering, Whirlwind,’ he said. ‘You wish to run?’
‘Yes.’ Evian cocked his head at him. ‘Although currently—’ He gestured at
himself. ‘I’m not really … capable … of running.’
‘That does not matter. I own a compartment on the eight o’clock train—the Steeple. The trainmaster can be …
coerced into allowing me a private compartment, and I bought it off recently. I
use it to transport goods—antiques, to be precise. Do you follow?’ Evian nodded
to affirm that he did. Warren opened his mouth to continue, but Evian
interrupted:
‘You mean you bribe the trainmaster? Sorry—I mean…’ He hesitated as a dark,
angry cloud passed over Warren’s face. ‘Where did you say the train goes to
again?’
‘It passes through Treville, Durthnõt, then winds along
the Tehshian river past Ramble. It continues down to Dret and stops in several
places before that—here.’ Warren pulled a drawer open brusquely and handed
Evian a rolled up map of Adreitus. I’ve marked the stops. You have…’—he checked
his watch again—‘an hour to kill until you can leave for the station. Lira!’ he bellowed at the door. ‘That
girl—I swear she had better be done with the cleaning….’ He turned to Evian. ‘Lira
is my servant, bought her off last week from this person by the canal. It’s a
dodgy place, but it was an excellent buy,
if I do say so myself. She hails from Rek.
Across the sea. Imagine! She’s a
little slow with language, but she’ll be taking you to the station.’
‘You … you’ve imported a child?’ Evian asked, his mouth twisting with
undisguised disgust. ‘Isn’t that illegal? Moreover, isn’t that … wrong?’
‘She’s getting paid for working for me, isn’t she?’ Warren said. ‘Did I ask you
what the vampires saw in your mind?’
Evian tensed. He twisted around in his seat to glare at Warren. ‘That’s my business.’
‘And this is mine.’ Warren grinned. ‘Lira!’ he called again, and this time, a
little girl entered the room. ‘Open the curtains, Lira,’ Warren told her, ‘then
go get this man a fresh shirt and trousers from the servants’ haul. You will
not be doing your usual chores today.’ The girl nodded and moved towards the
curtains. Warren left the room.
Evian slumped back in his chair, rubbing
at his eyes with his knuckles, his thoughts once more swirling. He gazed idly
at the girl, feeling sorry for her. She was such a little thing, and she
reminded him of—no, Evian, don’t think
about Eleanor, he told himself. He wondered how old the girl—Lira—was.
Twelve? Thirteen? Eleanor would be half her age now, if she had survived.
He rubbed his hand over his face. Lira was struggling with the heavy curtains,
trying to pull them back with a sash. When she was done, she moved into the
light, and Evian froze.
Brown eyes. A green scarf tied around her head. Coppery braids, yellow nearing the bottom, peeked out from underneath it. Her face was a tangle of misery and worry.
It was the girl from his memory.
End of chapter
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Specifics
Because you're describing the location of the candles here, when you get to 'around' I'm thinking of the wrong meaning. I'm thinking you're about to tell us that around the candles there's a ring of wax or something. I think you need to use about instead so we know more immediately that you're talking about amounts.1.
Overall
Uh I don't have much to say about this chapter? I think it rolled very smoothly, I enjoyed the character and Evian is finally starting to show that he has a nice side. Plus I liked the twist on the story of the orb and that he's not actually a straight out supporter of the Blacksmith's. I think I allowed my knowledge of later chapters to influence my thoughts there but this works much better and makes me more interested in him.
I also like Lira's introduction and I think the world is starting to come along nicely. I'm still getting my head around all of your characters and think you might want to introduce one or two of them a little later down the line. Like, do we really need Arlene's view points early on or can we get it after she's been referred to as missing for a chapter or two? That might give us more time with Elborn, Evian, Malkolm and Kelm before we need to make room in our heads for her as well.
I have to admit that if I'm ignoring my earlier knowledge, I'd have mostly forgotten Elborn by now anyway. He kind of merges into Evian and it's easy to forget that he is actually a separate character who was introduced really early on.
Perhaps that will work out in the long haul but I found you switched a little too often in the later chapters as well if I'm honest.
All the best,
~Heather
I'm almost caught up to your poor GR chapters, I'll also keep this short seeing that what I want to say has been mostly said.
I don't really mind the POV switches, it's only been three so far. Malcolm, Elborn and Evian. (Unless I forgot one), but I could be biased since I tend to write my novels with various POVs (because they're always set in different worlds and I'm never content with just one protagonist.) You're doing a fair job of developing all of them so I'm not complaining, but what I do suggest is that you find a pattern of which chapter is who so that the readers know what to expect. (If you're already doing this, you can ignore what I'm saying).
There is a lot of information via dialogue in this chapter, and I lost my way through some of them. I don't need to tell you how to write dialogue, because I know you know how to write dialogue but you tend to favour these massively long paragraphs where a character says something and there is much contemplation that follows. A lot of thought-processing, I think you should cut those down to what is only needed. You can have them, but separate them into smaller paragraphs. But to be honest I think for most of these, just the dialogue along will be enough. For example:
If we nix everything after 'finally' and picked it up again at 'I don't suppose...' it won't be very different. In fact, I think it'll be even more powerful. Sometimes less is more, with the 'finally' in place you've already implied most of what follows. (Do we have to know about his eyebrows?) You can find similar patches like these throughout the chapter which tends to bog down the actual content.
And oh my god, Lira.
Hi there! I'm here to save your chapter from the clutches of the Green Room :3
I've read through the previous chapters so I'm all caught up. And let me just say, which I'm sure I've said before at least eighty times, your writing is so wonderful. I luv it.
I have to agree with steam. There's an awful lot of pov switches. It's all written in third person which makes the switches easier to follow, but sometimes I can't tell who the narrator is. Or whether you're writing omniscient or limited. Sometimes, mostly in the earlier chapters with Elborn and Kelm. I could really tell their close relationship from the first time they were face to face in the first chapter, so maybe the confusion comes from that. They both know each other well and can tell what the other would be thinking/doing? Just thought I'd throw that out there. It seems to be consistent enough though that we'll probably just end up getting used to it as we keep reading.
Looking at the stylistic aspects here, I see that you use single quotation marks for dialogue instead of double. I've seen both used so that isn't what sticks out to me. The problem I find is in places like this:
and
The single quotations are used here as well, but it's not dialogue. I'm not sure what the "rule" would be for this when you're using single quotations for dialogue. It does get a bit confusing at times. I was thinking that it was someone's dialogue. My suggestion would be to use italics instead, or double quotation marks. Just something that would separate the two.
Cliffhanger. Woo! Also that cliffhanger from the last chapter. Boy do I love cliffhangers.
In case that wasn't already obvious.I can understand leaving the girl's identity hidden for a dramatic reveal, but wouldn't Evian have at least noticed something about the girl before then? Surely this room isn't all that dark. He was at least able to tell that this girl was twelve or thirteen. I'm sure at that point he'd also be able to recognize some parts of her looks. It's a little hard to believe he didn't recognize her until the shades were open.
There's one thing I wanted to mention about the first chapter of your novel. (Yes I'm really going all the way back to that >.>) I didn't want to review the first one because this is really the only point I wanted to touch on. I can appreciate backstory, character development, details. However I feel like you overloaded us with that in the beginning. The first eight paragraphs could've easily been reduced to three or four. I understand that that's your style and you wanted to establish the pace of the novel, but it ends up being too much. The mountain didn't intrigue me. The long description and information doesn't seem important, especially reading on through the rest of this. Maybe it'll be important by a later chapter, who knows. Important enough to focus the first things the reader will read of your novel? Possibly not.
Also, Elborn's development is forced upon us at that point. All of his quirks are listed for us, taking away the fun of figuring out what kind of guy he is through his dialogue/actions/thoughts. Everything told to us in the narration was almost entirely proven in the scene with the doorknocker that followed. Why not take advantage of that scene and weave Elborn's development in there. It could easily fit between his dialogue. As smooth as the writing is at that point, I just don't think it works with the overall narration of the story.
Evian's story is definitely interesting. I can't wait to see what happens when his runs into Elborn's and that side of the story. I'll definitely be back to read more chapters ^_^
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello Pompadour, steampowered here for a review! I’m so sorry I didn’t get around to reviewing this (if I’m to be quite honest I thought I’d reviewed it, but it turns out I’d only read it) and I really will try and review more promptly next time!
Apologies in advance if this review is unnecessarily harsh. It’s honestly not my intention.
I think some of my feedback is going to be much the same as it always is. There’s way too much jumping around between the characters at the moment and I’m not really getting into the heads of Evian or any of the other characters. I’m not even sure who the protagonist is – I’m kind of hoping it’s not Arlene, because she’s being sidelined rather a lot at the moment and I don’t feel very much towards her. To be honest, I feel like I should be more emotionally attached to these characters, but the fact I have no clear idea of who the protagonist is really makes it difficult to put myself in anyone’s shoes.
Like I’ve also probably said before, your writing is a little convoluted in places. I’d suggest you try and change your style so you’re not using hyphens in every single paragraph. I used to have this problem with semi-colons because I thought my writing looked ugly without them, but actually, having more simple sentences makes it a lot more readable. Or perhaps, if you don’t want to do that, you could replace some of these hyphens with ellipses, brackets or semi-colons. I’ll throw in an example of where you could possibly remove a hyphen:
Perhaps this could be changed to:
or
Moving on:
Hmm, I thought this guy was tired.
I believe you meant to say “hall” rather than “haul”.
And I think that’s most of the stuff I picked up on. Sorry if this review seems harsh – I’m aware you’re probably more focused on trying to get the story written rather than how you write it, and I can’t find anything wrong with the actual plot. I just sure hope all these plot threads add up, or it might make your novel confusing.
You have excellent worldbuilding (at least in my opinion) interesting characters (although it’s not so easy to engage with them due to the number of major characters you seem to have) and some intriguing plot points, such as this mystery girl. I think it’s the mystery that makes me want to keep reading on rather than anything else, but it’s done the trick!
Feel free to PM me if you get stuck or if you need anything else reviewed. I promise I’ll read your other chapters soon.
Keep writing!