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Young Writers Society



Tryal's Curse 1.2

by Pompadour


Word count: 1642 words





The hallway was longer than it had been two years ago, and darker, and with fewer doors opening into its sides and on the ceiling. Elborn walked slowly, feet thumping on the carpet. He never dared walk fast in the hallways of the red house; it seemed irreverent somehow, and he was always afraid that if he ran, one of the doors would open and swallow him up. He scowled at Malkolm’s back—Malkolm, who was hurrying along the tunnel-like passage as if someone had pushed him.

Elborn gritted his teeth and searched for a suitable word in his head with which to describe the boy. Cunning. Proud. Frictionless—yes, that’s the word, Elborn thought, and that was how he would describe Malkolm later on, so that his wife (and soon, the village) referred to him as Malkolm Ir Frictionless, the Usurper-Ixister.

Elborn observed discreetly, as Malkolm glided along, the manner in which his cloak whooshed and flapped and struck the red-tinted brick. His nose was sticking up high in the air. Elborn wondered if Malkolm had enchanted it to stay that way, hoisted it up with an invisible string. It wouldn’t have surprised him if this were the case. He was the opposite of Kelm in every way, from his demeanour to the flippant way he used his skills. It was very irresponsible, Elborn thought severely, and privately he thought it was enough reason for Malkolm to be demoted to Sreya, the lower Ixister class.

That, and Elborn didn’t like him.

A feather tickled his throat. He coughed loudly. The sound echoed in the silence of the never-ending hall.

‘Hurry up!’ Malkolm barked to the passageway. Elborn growled.

‘Hurry up, of course I’m hurrying, hurry up he says…’ he grumbled, shaking the dirt from his cuffs. He stuck his tongue out at Malkolm’s back. At least he doesn’t have eyes at the back of his bloody head.

Elborn slowed his pace along the hall. Extending an arm, he brushed his fingers along the walls. Everything was different from the last time he had been here, two years ago. Then, Kelm had been obsessed with the sea, having visited it for Inspektion in the summer. He’d returned tanned and smiling, his eyebrows shaped like waves. The only thing Elborn had understood from Kelm’s constant rambles—over tea and biscuits, of course—was that it was very hot there. But, Elborn supposed, it must be beautiful as well. Kelm had draped the walls of the halls with seaweed, inlaid the carpet with seashells, and the black doors (that had the tendency to sprout in the strangest places) had been blue. Elborn had preferred the design, although his feet had ached terribly for days after his visit.

Or at least, he preferred it to the gaunt halls where Malkolm now claimed residence.

Not for the first time that day, Elborn wished he had kept in touch with Kelm. It wasn’t always necessary to meet the Ixister in person, because a strong Meka and a strong Ixister could share a bond without meeting for decades, and run a region without mishap.

No—Elborn was worried something might have gone wrong during the two-year silence. And he knew that if Malkolm was the new Ixister, things would not remain peaceful for long.

‘Elborn Radagel! Are you always this slow?’ A gust of wind blew down the hall and the doorknobs around Elborn all clattered and fell. He glared at the sliver of silver down the hall.

‘An Ixister’s job is not to move fast, boy, but to manage stressful situations with utmost calm,’ said Elborn, squaring his shoulders and crossing his arms in an effort to look (somewhat) intimidating.

‘The Meka’s manual, chapter four, page seventy, second line from the bottom,’ Malkolm sneered. ‘Surprised?’ he asked, when Elborn stiffened. ‘I’ve read through all the Meka scrolls in the mills and learnt everything from every book in existence. It might surprise you, but I’m a stronger Ixister than Kelm ever claimed to be.’ The silver cloak billowing once more, Malkolm walked on.

Annoyed and slightly put out, Elborn followed.

At last, they reached the end of the hall. Elborn had seen the large, wrought-iron door on his many visits … but this time it looked alien and unfamiliar, as if it had been touched by cold hands and the coldness had seeped into its every particle. Behind the door was a Door of Security, and behind that…

Kelm’s workshop. It, too, belonged to Malkolm now, Elborn realised. Walking towards the door, he gripped one of its ornamental bars. It was colder than the ice caps on the Froën Mountains.

Elborn suppressed a shiver. Malkolm however, smiled, and ran a hand across the door. It opened soundlessly, swinging outwards and hitting Elborn in the face. He yelped loudly and rubbed at his nose, which was now throbbing and red. ‘Second injury today!’ he said, indignant. ‘I am your Meka!’

Malkolm gave Elborn a condescending glare, the tips of his yellow hair burning pink. Instead of replying, he busied himself with the Door of Security, tapping at it in certain places. Elborn noticed that the Door had also changed: it was a blazing purple with silver specks dotting its length. The only thing that hadn’t changed about it was the fact that it didn’t have a doorknob, and the Ixisters’ Council’s insignia burnt on its surface, brightly as ever. A black rent entwined with a gold dragon—it was beautiful and frightening at the same time. Bending down, Malkolm puffed his cheeks and blew at it. Then he stepped back. Elborn stepped back, too, eyeing the Ixister warily. Who knew what new enchantment he had added to the Door?

Nothing. Elborn relaxed. The Door shimmered and disappeared just as it always did with Kelm. Malkolm swept inside, flicking his fingers at Elborn in a gesture to follow.

Once inside, Elborn’s mouth fell open.

‘You’ve destroyed it,’ he hissed, horrified. ‘If Kelm knew—if—he’s not here is he?’ He turned to Malkolm, who was perched on a tabletop, observing Elborn coolly. His lips curled upwards, like Elborn’s antics amused him. Cocking a head at Elborn, he said lightly, ‘Why would he need to be absent for me to redecorate?’

Elborn bristled. ‘You’ve destroyed it,’ he repeated vehemently. ‘Kelm’s workshop—it’s—it’s not supposed to be like this. I refuse to work with an Ixister that doesn’t respect his predecessors. I refuse—‘

‘Then don’t work for me,’ Malkolm said, staring Elborn down with his slate-blue eyes. Elborn’s hands curled into fists.

‘It’s not that simple,’ he growled.

‘Oh, but it is,’ Malkolm said, almost cheerfully. He stood up and walked towards another door set beside the one they had entered, a dull grey creation that was almost invisible in the granite walls. He opened it, revealing a series of wooden steps that led upstairs.

‘Stay here,’ Malkolm commanded. ‘I’ll take you to Kelm … after I check up on him.’ His tone was nonchalant, dismissive. Elborn could not detect even the slightest hint of smugness, or hesitance, and he knew that Kelm, whatever—however he was right now—was not being tortured.

It made him feel a little better to know that. Elborn nodded at Malkolm quietly; the latter raised a pale eyebrow at the Meka, but said nothing. Perhaps he was surprised that Elborn had submitted so quietly, but the truth was that Elborn just wanted to be left alone.

Malkolm left. The door snapped shut behind him. Elborn heard a lock click.

He stuck his tongue out at the door. Twice he had done that that day.

Arlene would be proud of me, he thought, smiling wanly. He wished his niece had agreed to accompany him up the Mountain; he could have used her spunk and quick tongue just then. Elborn sighed heavily and sat on the flagged floor. He looked at the workshop sadly.

‘Destroyed,’ he said to the empty room.

It did not reply. Under normal circumstances, it would have. The bricks had all been very sensitive while they were under Kelm’s care, and were prone to bursting out in song. Elborn remembered how irritating he had found their constant humming at times, but now he sorely missed it. He sighed again, to fill in the silence. The bricks seemed to stare at him, in their dull brown-and-grey hues. Everything about the room was dull brown-and-grey; it was no longer Kelm’s bizarre, wonderful workshop, blinking with the oddest of creations. Where there had stood Kelm’s latest project—the WAGON Elborn had crafted and brought for him to enchant—there was now a square sheaf of hardboard, all-too-ordinary and commonplace. The tapestries in royal colours, bewitching greens and yellows, lay in a tattered heap in the middle of the room. Elborn felt furious at the way Malkolm had piled them so carelessly—those were century-old tapestries, for goodness’ sake—and they were touching the dome. The dome was what Kelm used as a multi-purpose blackboard; sometimes it was a chimney, depending on the nature of his experiment.

Now, it was covered with dust, a thick layer that had wrapped itself on the empty tabletops and chairs that were scattered across the room. A mourning, heavy dust. It seemed to sigh.

‘Dust, dust,’ Elborn said to himself. ‘If Kelm is not reinstated, the Meare will be dust.’

Already, he could feel the Ixistence-Meka bond breaking. This was not good, Elborn thought, not good at all. Soon, things would start to go wrong. Machinery would break apart, the village’s defenses would weaken…. It scared Elborn Radagel more than he liked to admit, and Elborn never liked to admit anything as lowly as that.

He hugged his knees, feeling old and withered. Slowly, he began to sing.

Elborn Radagel forty two…’

But his heart was not in it.

‘I wish you were here, Arlene,’ he said to the bricks. ‘I wish you were here.’


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Sun Feb 28, 2016 12:22 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



I may just have time for this chapter as well before I go play laser questing. Let's find out!

Specifics

1. Is two years ago the last time Elborn came here? I had got the impression that he'd seen Kelm a lot/ recently when he was surprised that the Ixister had been replaced. That's fine if not, just thought I'd throw my mild surprise in here in case it should have been obvious.

2. I love the description of what the hallways looked like two years ago after Kelm's visit to the sea but I wonder if Elborn is worried about his friend. There's no hint of that so far. I mean, everything suggests something bad may have happened to Kelm but Elborn is irritated rather than anxious. That could be his personality but if so it makes me dislike him more, while the paragraph on what the place used to look like and how Elborn liked it even though it made his feet hurt made me think there might be something nice about him.

3. Ah so he is worried that the peace might be broken but not worried about Kelm himself?

Overall

It's nice that Arlene gets a mention already and that does soften me toward Elborn, as does his outrage over the destruction of Kelm's property. This part does a much better job at getting the balance of his likability right. However, you're already dropping the colloquialism of the narrator from the first section so either you need to go back and remove some of that from the earlier part or you need to feed a little more into here. My preference would be the former since I've read the later chapters and that kind of tone isn't really evident at all.

This is a very smooth section and I thought it worked well. My only disappointment is that I don't like Malcolm. Not even in a 'that's an interesting character' way. He's not even clever in his meanness, which I thought he rather was later on. Now he just seems like a rather petulant boy with too much magic for his own good. It's a subtle difference but it's there and it makes me think that if I was first introduced to him like this, I'm not sure I'd warm up to him as much as I have in the later chapters. In contract, Elborn is proud and haughty but his trying to trick the door knocker was clever in its own way and he at least gets the emotional credits for his outburst. Which is something Malcolm will never get credits for because he's always closed off with his feelings from what I've seen.

Anyway, I'll be back later today!

~Heather




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Tue Nov 17, 2015 1:12 pm
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Apricity says...



*leaves a cookie and moves onto the next chapter*




Pompadour says...


*noms cookie*



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Mon Sep 28, 2015 10:38 pm
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GoldFlame wrote a review...



Heya!

Nitpicks and then overall thoughts:

Elborn walked slowly, feet thumping on the carpet.


"Feet thumping" feels a bit extraneous; it doesn't contribute new information or strengthen the atmosphere. You also started with a description of the hallway, then cut to Elborn and his thoughts, then cut to Malkolm, then cut back to Elborn with his opinions of Malkolm; and I kept expecting it to return to the hallway, but the spotlight just vaulted around.

Extending an arm, he brushed his fingers along the walls.


So here it sort of returns to the hallway? But there's a huge shift from "he stuck his tongue out" to "brushing his fingers."

The narrator dropped loads of weight on body language. I think the purpose of that was to string sections of the story together, but transitioning was the only thing the body language supplied; it wasn't distinctive to the characters and cut through several chains of thought. Maybe clipping a few pieces and placing less emphasis on transitioning--sometimes jump-cuts suit the flow.

Frictionless—yes, that’s the word, Elborn thought, and that was how he would describe Malkolm later on, so that his wife (and soon, the village) referred to him as Malkolm Ir Frictionless, the Usurper-Ixister.
It was very irresponsible, Elborn thought severely, and privately he thought it was enough reason for Malkolm to be demoted to Sreya, the lower Ixister class.


The backstory feels a bit raw, like those chunks of garlic you sometimes get in rice dishes or cooked leafy vegetables. It's also difficult to remember, the way "Sreya" contrasts with the harsh, angular words you've been using for the other proper nouns; my brain's instinct was to glance over it. ("Sreya" is gorgeous, though; it's so liquid and just glides over your tongue.)

Also, some issues I'm receiving from the beginning:

- It's difficult to see this as a continuation of 1.1. In 1.1, there wasn't opportunity for the reader to become acquainted with Elborn's thoughts; the tone was detached, in a way that served the exposition well. Now the narrator's including loads of internal dialogue and character reflections and backstory.

- 1.1 was hinged on quirkiness, so I sort of received the impression that 1.2 would be the same. But the narrator decided to start pouring emphasis on the plot instead. Just as we're introduced to Elborn and Malkolm, we're thrown into their world and problems and the narrator stops directly addressing us; there isn't any breaking of the fourth wall in 1.2. It felt like abandonment, like a contract was broken.

- The characters seem a bit clay-ish, pressed into a mold and baked. There's witty dialogue and body language to try compensate for that, but I'm having difficulty connecting. The quirkiness almost translates aggressive.

He stuck his tongue out at Malkolm’s back. At least he doesn’t have eyes at the back of his bloody head.


In the exposition, usually the most effective way to communicate the characters' personalities is through action, as that sort of stuff brands itself into the readers' skulls. The internal dialogue here doesn't really give me a feel of Elborn's character, and it might improve the flow if it was clipped.

Inspektion


This feels a bit jagged with the "k" in the middle of the word, and I'm trying to figure out a way to pronounce it that isn't "inspection" (for when TC becomes an audiobook that's voiced by some famous celebrity and people end up accidentally writing "inspection" in their fanfiction. Yes.).

Elborn observed discreetly


I'm heading out of chronological order because a few paragraphs in, I really started to notice the adverbs, so I went back to the beginning to look for more. Not that I'm against the adverbs, but just keeping a bit of an eye on them so that they don't interfere with the flow.

‘You’ve destroyed it,’ he repeated vehemently.


Elborn's initial reaction felt pale and watery and gray, directing me to the assumption that the workshop's state isn't a huge deal, but then the rest of the piece is dedicated to describing what a destroyed workshop means--"If Kelm is not reinstated....--which conflicts.

Also, these references to Arlene that pop out of nowhere. Arlene would be proud of me. It's obvious that the narrator's setting us up for something; what occurs in the next chapter is predictable. I guess this is a first draft, though, so a few beats are bound to be skipped ... just smooth out the structure a bit, maintaining a straight line with the plot and conflict, and this'll clean itself up.

a square sheaf of hardboard, all-too-ordinary and commonplace


"Hardboard" sort of jumped out of nowhere, a unique type of wood--I read it as "cardboard." I'm also uncertain if you can apply sheaves to wood? I think the definition is a bundle or a paper collection, and an individual sheaf would suggest a page. I might be entirely wrong; the two words just didn't lock in my mind.

Other overall thoughts:

- 1.1 conveyed character emotions through actions and breaking the fourth wall, and 1.2 conveyed it through character reflections. The humor's still here, which is good, but the story's significantly heavier; there's contrast between the azure skies and the dust and dankness, and Elborn's pining over how changed Kelm's become. (When Elborn learned the state Kelm's workshop had descended into--so many feels for him, gah.) Flickering from brightness, to bubbling hatred, to despair.

- The sentences tended to be on the lengthy side. Not that you aren't capable of pulling long sentences off, but the fluency stumbled in some places--difficult-to-swallow clauses and concepts that didn't connect. Lots of stuff was suspended in jelly, like Elborn's scathing thoughts toward Malkolm, the backstory, and the body language description: "He scowled at Malkolm's back." I'd just recommend conducting a quick sweep of paragraph breaks and phrasing.

That said, though, I actually prefer this to 1.1. I sympathized with Elborn, outraged at what Malkolm had done, and the references to Elborn's niece made me curious to learn more about her. This is a great stand-alone; it doesn't mesh with the previous, entirely, but it's well-paced and the atmosphere's well-crafted.

TC is the type of novel you prefer to just gobble instead of picking apart. I had so much difficulty writing this review, which is probably evident by its short length and incoherence. I also wrote the nitpicks out of order and I hope I shuffled them into the right slots--if not, I might come back and edit later. Tryal's Curse is a wonderfully amazing read, gah.

Onto 1.3! Keep being amazing~




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Fri Sep 04, 2015 8:48 am
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steampowered wrote a review...



Hello Pompadour, steampowered here for another review! (I did say I’d review the later stuff, so I kept my agreement)

I’ve noticed this is a continuation of the same chapter, of course, but I was wondering who the protagonist was going to be in the later chapters. Is it Elborn, or Malkolm, or someone completely different? Just something that occurred to me… I suppose I’ll find out soon enough!

(I want more of Malkolm! Please, please let him come in later… he’s my favourite!)

Once again, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece and unfortunately (or fortunately, even) I struggled to find anything really wrong with it. Nothing jumped out at me as a major plot hole. As another reviewer commented, I did feel like this scene drags slightly and maybe it could be shortened. As much as I like this, I felt my attention wandering slightly as I wondered when something else was going to happen. However, your style, your characters, your descriptions and basically everything I liked about the first section still stands. :)

Apart from that, I’ve got a couple of very small nitpicks:

Twice he had done that that day.


Eh, feels a bit clunky and it kind of jars, especially the direct repetition of “that”. Might it be better if it was rephrased?

Where there had stood Kelm’s latest project—the WAGON Elborn had crafted and brought for him to enchant—there was now a square sheaf of hardboard, all-too-ordinary and commonplace.


Just a tiny nitpick, but why is wagon capitalised?

Probably a useless review, but I suppose the more reviews the better, right? *scurries off to review the next part*




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Mon Aug 03, 2015 10:26 pm
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TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



And I'm back for part two! Also, you should note that I was freakishly eager to read this. :P

Aww, not as much description in this chapter. But that's okay, you didn't really have much new stuff to describe. Whatever you did do, though, was lovely.

Nitpicks, anyone?

Frictionless—yes, that’s the word

I, quite honestly, have no idea what frictionless even means. I don't even think it's a word- inventing words is fine, but only when you explain them or they're self-explanatory. When applied to a person's character, this is decidedly not self explanatory.

Elborn observed discreetly, as Malkolm glided along, the manner in which his cloak whooshed and flapped and struck the red-tinted brick. His nose stuck high in the air.

The latter sentence reads as a fragment as it is now. You have two options; you can add an 'up' after the 'stuck' or you can combine the sentences.

Elborn wondered if Malkolm had enchanted it to stay that way, hoisted it up with an invisible string.

The latter half of the sentence (after the comma) somehow sounds odd. I don't think you need that second 'it', and perhaps adding the words 'as if' before hoisted might improve it. Also, great pinch of characterization in that sentence!

A feather tickled his throat. He coughed loudly. The sound echoed in the silence of the never-ending hall.

Short, choppy sentences. Tsk, tsk.

Malkolm left. The door snapped shut behind him. Elborn hurt a lock click.

Short and choppy, again, but I think the 'hurt' in the third sentence was supposed to be a 'heard'.

End of nitpicks, as far as I can tell!

The first thing that stuck out to me in this chapter is the 3rd person limited you have going on. I might be mistaken, in which case, make it more clearer. If I'm not, then I think you'll have to change one of the chapter parts to match the other. Personally, I like the omniscient better, but in the end, you are the author.

Onto characterisation. I quite like what you've done with Malkolm here. He's annoying, stuck up, yet still somehow likeable. *hopefully, that was intended*
Elborn's tongue sticking out- twice, not once- proved to be quite unbelievable for me. For one thing, he seemed rather prideful and pompous in the previous chapter, and no matter how much stress he is under, I can't see him losing that stuffy-old-man persona of his, which is just what sticking out his tongue does. This niece of his- Arlene- is nicely introduced, although there might have been a better time to introduce her.

Now.... plot and pacing. The scene in the hallway proved to be just too long. It started feeling a bit unrealistic. It was a great way to round out Elborn's and Malkolm's characters, but I think you could do that skillfully elsewhere. (Your descriptions, as usual, though, are magnificent.) However, I did like the change in Kelm's workshop- I hope it'll be important later. (Nice foreshadowing, by the way, at the very end.)

Overall, great job. *off to part three, then*
Keep it up!
~Aura




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Sun Jul 26, 2015 8:19 am
ChimeraMania wrote a review...



First in foremost.

‘Hurry up, of course I’m hurrying, hurry up he says…’

I kind of feel as though you should take out the first hurry up here. Since he's mumbling this to himself.

He glared at the sliver of silver down the hall. (Nice word usage here.)

‘You’ve destroyed it,’ he hissed, horrified. ‘If Kelm knew—if—he’s not here is he?’ He turned to Malkolm, who was perched on a tabletop, observing Elborn coolly.

Did Malkolm cut Elborn off here 'If Kelm knew-', if so then where the second if is at, you need that and the rest in a new paragraph.

‘Second injury today!’ he said, indignant. ‘I am your Meka!’

Which one is the Meka? Elborn? 'Cause you said Malkolm is a Ixistence. Yet here, I'm guessing, Malkolm said the injury part.
See you need to separate who says what or otherwise you'll confused your readers.

He hugged his knees, feeling old and withered. Slowly, he began to sing.

‘Elborn Radagel forty two…’

But his heart was not in it.

How did he hug his knees if he was still standing? Let us know when he change positions or we (your readers) might come up with weird scenarios like I just did.
After the last line, I feel as though you should add 'so he gave up.'

Overall, even though I didn't read the first part, I agree with Atsmai. I don't feel it's missing anything, but in all honesty I'm not interested in the story anymore. If that makes since. It doesn't seem strong enough on it own. I like the ending, I like the childishness, I like the feel Elborn has towards Malkolm, yet you need something more. Like I said it's not missing anything, but something needs to be added. I really hope that makes since, cause that's basically how I'm feeling.

Prove me wrong, keep writing and I might come back to read it.

(I hope that doesn't sound harsh)
~Sharrae out, tottles




Pompadour says...


Thank you for your thoughts!

I've introduced Elborn as the Meka in part one of this chapter, and because it was Elborn whose face the door hit I think it's safe to say that the ''injury'' dialogue is his.

Also:
Elborn sighed heavily and sat on the flagged floor.


Paragraph 31 if you missed it.

The reason this chapter might seem incomplete is simply because it is. It's mostly a link between parts 1.1 and 1.2, since the complete chapter in itself would be too long to post in one go.

What is it missing? Is the narrative too heavy? Does it seem like filler? Does anything strike you as unnecessary? What makes it weak/what do you think should be added to make it intriguing?

And it isn't a harsh review at all. ^^



Pompadour says...


*parts 1.1 and 1.3, whoops.



ChimeraMania says...


Well it does seem a little bit like a filler. You mentioned the bond between Ixistence and Meca are strong and what not. But how far does this bond go. I need more detail there because there are so many different bonds to distinguish from.
Considering I haven't read the first part yet, which probably has a lot more information in it.
With Elborn, I first got to gist that he's suppose to be the serious type, leader most likely. To see him act childish was quite funny. Ixistence's a suppose to bring peace/calm, yet Malkolm seems....different. I have a feeling of where this story is going and Malk and Elb seem great together, yet again I go back on the bond thing. If Malk is Elb's Ix, then does they mean they have a different bond from the one other Ix-Meca's bonds are.
Ah I remember that part now, sorry I had read future down that Malk looked at Meca, and it got me confused because I didn't know which one had said 'I am your Meca, earlier on, even though (somewhere in this brain that has been fighting me tonight) I knew the Meca was Elb all along. <- That was probably very confusing.
Anyway. Just make sure you clear up who's speaking when because readers can get thrown off if you have two people speaking in the same paragraph.
The narrative, at the moment, isn't heavy at all. The descriptions are perfect. Everything written is necessary, I feel, to tell the difference between Eld's feeling towards Kelm and Malkolm.
On another note, in all honesty. Only YOU will know when this is missing something or needed to be added fully. Remember that. Reviews help, but at the end of the day, YOU are the unique writer who MADE the story and we're along for the journey.
I hope there are some more downs in these two peoples journey. It really is funny to see his childish side. Keep with that as well.
Hope this helps too.
Oh and thanks, I didn't want to sound harsh, making people sad or mad at/because of me pulls at my heart strings.
Anyway, good luck.



Pompadour says...


Hm. I'll work on making the relationship bit a tad clearer.

As far as the bond between Malkolm and Elborn goes, Malkolm is Elborn's newly-appointed Ixister, so the bond between them is currently very weak. Malkolm has replaced Kelm (who was Elborn's previous Ixister). Seeing as Ixisters are only replaced when they are either dying/are dead, Elborn fears that Kelm is very sick. Malkolm is taking Elborn to visit him and find out what's going on.

Malkolm and Elborn are awful together; that's what Elborn is worried about. And the story isn't focused on them getting along, but I hope to focus on the consequences of them /not/ getting along, if that makes sense.

Elborn is proud and bratty, yes. XD

Thanks for clarifying! ^^



ChimeraMania says...


That does make since. I shouldn't have thought of it in the way that it's about them getting along. The fact that it's the total opposite of what I thought, I might just read more. (But you'd have to send me a link for when you post it or otherwise I'd forget to check.)
You're welcome. Thanks for this information.



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Persistence wrote a review...



I feel obliged to say that I have not read part one of this chapter.

That being said, I am still capable of reviewing this part.

I will not evaluate the story, since there are more than just a few ways in which it can progress.

However, I do have several things to say about the delivery. But, first let me point out some things you have overlooked:

-In the first paragraph: "less doors" You mean "fewer doors". "Less" is an attribute of uncountable nouns (less sugar, less water), while "fewer" refers to countable nouns (fewer snakes, fewer trains, fewer doors)

-Eighth paragraph: "tan and smiling" I think you meant "tanned and smiling".

-Eighth paragraph bottom to top: "it was no longer Kelm’s bizarre wonderful" wonderful... what? You may have written it but deleted it by accident. Or maybe you had written something else, but when you changed it you deleted more than what you meant to.

Next, I would like to point out that part two started really slow. It is perfectly OK to have a lot of descriptions of people's feelings and their environment, but not at the cost of action! By action I do not mean fighting or violence. I mean doing something, anything that stands out. Maybe a sentence about him looking at a funny painting on a wall, or moving around an obstacle on the ground, or even talking! Dialogue is great to increase the flow of the story, it also portrays the characters' feelings, excluding the need for you to explicitly tell the reader what they are feeling, and adds to those characters' development.

I have seen to many people do just that - they tell what the characters are feeling, instead of showing it through facial expressions and other body language.

"He was always afraid", first paragraph, maybe "he always feared" would have been more suitable? You used the verb "was" too often in that paragraph, and using another verb instead every now and then is one of the best things you can do to give a smooth, natural flow to your stories.

And one more thing: You should avoid making your narrator use contractions. Third paragraph, "It wouldn’t have surprised him if this were the case." It would sound so much more serious if you said "It would not have surprised him..."

Again, I have not read the first part, but the things I pointed out are universal, and could be implemented in any work of fiction.

I really hope this helps!




Pompadour says...


Thanks for the review! I think this chapter part turned out slow because the last chapter was leading up to this, but I'll try to incorporate some more action in the next instalment. Where it lies right now, this part is kind of like filler (I have no excuses for this, just that I needed to turn this in haha).

This was helpful! Edits have been made~



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Sun Jul 26, 2015 2:43 am
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Virgil wrote a review...



The end and start of the chapter just doesn't feel strong like chapter one came off with its great start, but I will continue reading.

I think it was pretty childish of the main character to stick their tongue out at Malkom, but that shows more of the character, so I like it, it shows he is sometimes childish.

This chapter just doesn't feel as strong as the first, though the atmosphere is what I really like about the chapter.

I dislike Malkom. Not because he seems evil, but because he isn't that strong of a character to me, I honestly prefer your writing of the doorknocker than Malkom at the moment, I dunno, maybe there's something more to him.

I am still liking the descriptions and how I can imagine the story while I'm reading pretty easily.

I have to make this connection, but, Malkom kind of seems like a Zuko in the beginning episodes of Avatar The Last Airbender if you've ever seen it.

I remember saying from my last review that Malkom may not be the protagonist, I wonder if Malkom and Elborn have to work together on something? I'm not sure.

This was a pretty slow chapter, I definitely prefered chapter 1, but that doesn't mean I didn't like it, keep up the good work!




Pompadour says...


Malkolm is a meanie. I might be the only person who actually likes him. XD And Malkolm doesn't really classify under either protagonist or antagonist: he'll be wavering between the two as the story continues.

Thanks for the revieww!




There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
— Arthur C. Clarke