Hello!
I didn't originally intend to review this, but I wanted to pause before consuming more chapters and scribble some thoughts down and um, warning for illegibility
You're taking fantasy cliches--councils, artifacts, sorcery, races forming an alliance against mutual evil race--and placing a spin on them. It's embedded with satirical moments to undercut the moments when it regards itself seriously, and ahh, it takes so much talent to execute what you're doing and I can't spill sufficient gushing for my admiration--and I suck at giving compliments and not sounding sugarcoat-ish, um--but I was going to make a point about undercuttings? Something's a bit offbeat. The novel possesses a visible arc but it doesn't hugely arch; it's one chapter stacked on another, revealing more expositionary stuff as things progress, and I feel disoriented in the fashion of not-that-it's-confusing but the pace is jumbled.
The vampires remind me of Tolkien elves, proud and elite. It draws from the traditional Dracula--the way you discuss genealogy and history, and the sort of supercilious "mere human scum" vibe--yet has a touch of warmth. I also appreciate that you never lingered too much on appearance.
On the other hand, though, I'd appreciate more stuff distinguishing them as vampires. This chapter felt filler despite hosting a major event, lack of detail being compensated for with body language and Evian's thoughts. It was dark and lighthearted, dark and lighthearted.
'Vampires are just as human as humans are—both of us, are, after all, hybrids of the same race.'
Yo. The timing of this line.
Evian was sure that it clashed violently with his hair
This reminds me of that scene where Harry got Ron a Chudley Cannon hat for Christmas and regretted how violently it clashed with Ron's hair. haha <3 But this piece felt a bit out-of-place, and I'd recommend clipping or sticking in a transitional sentence?
feeble reiteration:
Positive traits undercut with negative and vice versa. Evian flips between vulnerability and macho-independent-sharp-tongued; Aidan's initially cold and marble but ends up adopting a sort of easy sociability where his emotions are observable through his countenance, and ellipsis-ness. It occurs more on a subconscious level than on a conscious level, I mean--on a conscious level, your writing skills baffle me; your description transcends diction and syntax and there's just something so refreshingly original about your style, and your pieces are always enjoyable. (Maybe dehumanizing the characters when possible and exaggerating their defined traits--partly so that the humor feels more wholesome, instead of just there when convenient for flow--leaning less on body language, as well, since the body language gets to be in excess.) For instance, below:
history lessons, yes?' His eyes widened in sudden mock realisation. 'Wait—you haven't. My apologies,' he said smoothly. 'I often forget exactly what I have read in people's minds. Although'—he rested his elbows on the chair's back and ignored Evian's suddenly sullen expression—'
The effect's a bit less when taken out of context, but erm, the body language was tedious to read and contributed little to humor or flow or character development (i'm so sorry).
It's also incredibly potent stuff; it steals attention from the dialogue. The dialogue ends up being peripheral.
Also, the *ooooh, burn* moment here isn't as sharp and satisfying as it could be. It tapered off a bit with "I often forget [...] minds," and his voice flickered between sophisticated and simple, from the "my apologies" to the "wait—you haven't."
I think that with emphasizing flaws and strengths equally, the characters become less authentic? And the dialogue is well-written but not distinctive to each; there's something preventing it from thickening, and I don't have much difficulty viewing it from an objective perspective and I'm spewing a lot of harshness, wow. I like Aidan. Cool guy. He's meant to seem friendlier here and that comes across.
TC is a gorgeous guacamole of quirky humor and complex character relationships. I'm eternally grateful for you starting it back up again ^_^
hopefully this wasn't off-the-mark
not to be one of those people who deprecates themselves for validation. Sorry for dumping so much triviality on your doorstep; I hope I can provide more solid feedback in the future. for now I shalt continue to gobble more chapters =D
- your friendly neighborhood Pygmy Puff
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