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Young Writers Society



Tryal's Curse 18.2

by Pompadour


The conference room was not a large room, by any standards, but the furniture was arranged artfully enough to feign airiness in a space that would have seemed, otherwise, to be small and cramped. The walls slanted ever so slightly, and the cabinets seemed to be moulded along the lengths of the wallpaper. Evian did not have the time to observe the changes that had overridden the conference room since the last time he had been there; Aidan at once grabbed him by the elbow and steered him towards a chair. Council members occupied every available surface: vampires sat on the table, on the windowledge, and one or two Ixisters, with brightly coloured facial hair, even sat on the floor. The casual way with which the majority of the room surveyed Evian's entrance made him feel like he was intruding on a party. But in a party, Evian reminded himself, such stoic silence does not serve as the main course.

He felt awkward as Aidan introduced him, and stared at his hands all the while, only looking up to nod at each person as they greeted him. Aidan's 'friend', Leath—the vampire who had held Evian's hands behind his back and slammed him into the wall at the inn—met him with odd enthusiasm. Evian gave him a strained smile before he drifted away.

Evian was glad when everyone's attention shifted away from him. The discussion resumed. It was not the kind of seamless discussion Evian would have expected from the vampire council—rather, the Ixisters and vampires huddled in various groups. They all appeared to be arguing about something, but about what, exactly, Evian could not grasp.

Aidan sat down on Evian's right and leaned over to whisper in his ear. 'We're having an informal discussion right now. Topic of debate's the Blacksmith uprising.' He spoke to Evian in a familiar way, as if he were not a stranger, but someone he could trust. Evian immediately decided he disliked him. The vampire was not an idiot, he knew, but Evian's trust was not so fickle as to lead him into believing Aidan was his friend.

Nevertheless, the mention of the Blacksmiths aroused his curiosity. The chain around Evian's neck seemed to burn against his skin; he resisted the urge to tug at it.

'The Blacksmiths?' he asked, in what he hoped came off as a casual tone-of-interest. Aidan's eyebrows hitched upwards on his pale face.

'You've taken history lessons, yes?' His eyes widened in sudden mock realisation. 'Wait—you haven't. My apologies,' he said smoothly. 'I often forget exactly what I have read in people's minds. Although'—he rested his elbows on the chair's back and ignored Evian's suddenly sullen expression—'it's not really your fault your knowledge is not as extensive as others. I believe spending your teenage years on a pirate ship wasn't all that conducive ... er ... not that that matters.'

He looked slightly ashamed of himself, and Evian could not resist commenting: 'I think shamefacedness is the most human I have seen you.'

Aidan's expression once more shifted to one of mild amusement. He waved at an Ixister on the opposite side of the room, who seemed to be beckoning him towards their group. To Evian, he said, 'Vampires are just as human as humans are—both of us, are, after all, hybrids of the same race.'

Evian's lip twitched. 'And here I thought all vampires shied from being compared to humans.'

Aidan laughed a deep, rumbling belly-laugh that caused some people to look at him disapprovingly from the other side of the room. Someone thrust a velvety-looking, plumed hat in his direction. He picked it deftly from the air and, on the off-chance that the wearer might throw it back at him, placed it on Evian's head. Evian was sure that it clashed violently with his hair, and he would not have minded if it did, but he hated feeling conspicuous.

He was already being thrown enough curious glances as it was. What could warrant such attention? he thought.

But he could not dwell on the matter. Aidan, now with a completely serious face, continued: 'Only idiots shy away from being compared to other races. And vampires are not idiots. I admit that humans are not without their ... defects'—Evian harrumphed in protest—'but vampires are not as pure-blooded as Vagnar II—you do know who he is, don't you? Vampire general from the first three-way war—would have liked to believe.'

'We're all by-products, impure, yes, I get it,' Evian said. 'But Blacksmiths?'

'Also impure.' Aidan smiled lazily. He leaned back in his seat and rapped at its side with is knuckles. His eyes acquired a faraway look. 'We are all inclined to prejudice,' he said, 'but I believe that where Blacksmiths are concerned, this prejudice cannot be classified as an unfair judgement ... but as a fact. To put it simply...' His eyebrows puckered. 'Blacksmiths are evil.'

He lapsed into silence, and Evian took that moment to note that the rest of the room's chatter, too, had been lulled into a gentle quietude. A tall figure swept up from her seat in the corner of the room. A spangled shawl was draped over her shoulders; she made her way through the crowd as though her walk was unimpeded by obstacles in the shape of flesh and bone. She seemed to float, almost. Evian watched as she approached the large, ovular table he and Aidan were currently seated at. As she neared, Evian realised with a jolt, who she was. She radiated the same aura of power as she had in the station as Syti, but here it was ... calmer, somehow. As though it had been watered down and placed in a jar, like a calmly burning candle instead of a wildfire on a windy night.

Evian's foot began to twitch; he leaned back in his seat almost instinctively, trying to hide behind the large, fat Ixister who sat next to him. Aidan noticed his efforts, and laughed, but Evian was too caught up in trying to make himself obscure to care.

'She's the heir to the throne of L'amar,' he hissed at Aidan. 'I met at her at the station—she's vile—what is she doing here?'

Aidan's perpetual look of amusement shifted to confusion. 'Oh—she's not—'

'I am not Princess of the L'amar,' the woman said. Her clear voice carried across the room. Evian's gaze snapped toward her. She smiled at him from where she stood; her eyes crinkled into tiny slits and she pushed her hair away from her face. It shone black and blue and white in the artificial light that filled the room. 'I am her mother, the vampire king's second wife, and I would be surprised if he even knows I am alive.'


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Sun Oct 02, 2016 3:53 am
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GoldFlame wrote a review...



Hello!

I didn't originally intend to review this, but I wanted to pause before consuming more chapters and scribble some thoughts down and um, warning for illegibility

You're taking fantasy cliches--councils, artifacts, sorcery, races forming an alliance against mutual evil race--and placing a spin on them. It's embedded with satirical moments to undercut the moments when it regards itself seriously, and ahh, it takes so much talent to execute what you're doing and I can't spill sufficient gushing for my admiration--and I suck at giving compliments and not sounding sugarcoat-ish, um--but I was going to make a point about undercuttings? Something's a bit offbeat. The novel possesses a visible arc but it doesn't hugely arch; it's one chapter stacked on another, revealing more expositionary stuff as things progress, and I feel disoriented in the fashion of not-that-it's-confusing but the pace is jumbled.

The vampires remind me of Tolkien elves, proud and elite. It draws from the traditional Dracula--the way you discuss genealogy and history, and the sort of supercilious "mere human scum" vibe--yet has a touch of warmth. I also appreciate that you never lingered too much on appearance.

On the other hand, though, I'd appreciate more stuff distinguishing them as vampires. This chapter felt filler despite hosting a major event, lack of detail being compensated for with body language and Evian's thoughts. It was dark and lighthearted, dark and lighthearted.

'Vampires are just as human as humans are—both of us, are, after all, hybrids of the same race.'


Yo. The timing of this line. :D

Evian was sure that it clashed violently with his hair


This reminds me of that scene where Harry got Ron a Chudley Cannon hat for Christmas and regretted how violently it clashed with Ron's hair. haha <3 But this piece felt a bit out-of-place, and I'd recommend clipping or sticking in a transitional sentence?

feeble reiteration:

Positive traits undercut with negative and vice versa. Evian flips between vulnerability and macho-independent-sharp-tongued; Aidan's initially cold and marble but ends up adopting a sort of easy sociability where his emotions are observable through his countenance, and ellipsis-ness. It occurs more on a subconscious level than on a conscious level, I mean--on a conscious level, your writing skills baffle me; your description transcends diction and syntax and there's just something so refreshingly original about your style, and your pieces are always enjoyable. (Maybe dehumanizing the characters when possible and exaggerating their defined traits--partly so that the humor feels more wholesome, instead of just there when convenient for flow--leaning less on body language, as well, since the body language gets to be in excess.) For instance, below:

history lessons, yes?' His eyes widened in sudden mock realisation. 'Wait—you haven't. My apologies,' he said smoothly. 'I often forget exactly what I have read in people's minds. Although'—he rested his elbows on the chair's back and ignored Evian's suddenly sullen expression—'


The effect's a bit less when taken out of context, but erm, the body language was tedious to read and contributed little to humor or flow or character development (i'm so sorry).

It's also incredibly potent stuff; it steals attention from the dialogue. The dialogue ends up being peripheral.

Also, the *ooooh, burn* moment here isn't as sharp and satisfying as it could be. It tapered off a bit with "I often forget [...] minds," and his voice flickered between sophisticated and simple, from the "my apologies" to the "wait—you haven't."

I think that with emphasizing flaws and strengths equally, the characters become less authentic? And the dialogue is well-written but not distinctive to each; there's something preventing it from thickening, and I don't have much difficulty viewing it from an objective perspective and I'm spewing a lot of harshness, wow. I like Aidan. Cool guy. He's meant to seem friendlier here and that comes across.

TC is a gorgeous guacamole of quirky humor and complex character relationships. I'm eternally grateful for you starting it back up again ^_^
hopefully this wasn't off-the-mark
not to be one of those people who deprecates themselves for validation. Sorry for dumping so much triviality on your doorstep; I hope I can provide more solid feedback in the future. for now I shalt continue to gobble more chapters =D

- your friendly neighborhood Pygmy Puff




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Thu Feb 25, 2016 7:02 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Haaiiiiii :)

Specifics

1. Ooh it's a continuation of the last part, there's some chance for more action yet!

2.

The conference room was not a large room, by any standards, but the furniture was arranged artfully enough to feign airiness in a space that would have seemed, otherwise, to be small and cramped. The walls slanted ever so slightly, and the cabinets seemed to be moulded molded along the lengths of the wallpaper.


Unless you meant the green fungus kind of mould? I'm not sure if that really works as a description though and it creates confusion since molded feels like the more appropriate word.

3. Was Aidan the person who went to fetch him before or was that someone else? I feel like we need to know where he is and why he didn't call Evian to come in. I also might be mixing this up with a different chapter as I thought it was Elborn who got called away but that could have been something different and I keep mixing those two up anyway because of the names starting with e. I had this same issue with Robert Jordan's books though (like nearly all his female character's names begin with vowels: aviendah, elayne, egwene, elaida, alana etc.) so it could just be me! I've also got to stop trying to rename Evian as water. Sorry. I have a problem with name association :p

4.
He felt awkward as Aidan introduced him, and stared at his hands all the while, only looking up to nod at each person as they greeted him. Aidan's 'friend', Leath—the vampire who had held Evian's hands behind his back and slammed him into the wall at the inn—met him with odd enthusiasm. Evian gave him a strained smile before he drifted away.
I think odd is the wrong word here as you're using it to mean unusual, rather than to say that the enthusiasm was of an odd nature. Does that make sense? I think unusual or unexpected would read more smoothly.

5.
'The Blacksmiths?' he asked, in what he hoped came off as a casual tone-of-interest. Aidan's eyebrows hitched upwards on his pale face.
I think 'tone-of-interest' is a little odd - you could use 'casual tone' and that makes sense.

6.
He looked slightly ashamed of himself, and Evian could not resist commenting: 'I think shamefacedness [Do people actually use this word? I'm not sure how it's pronounced or how to read it and I'm struggling a bit with staying in story when I try to read this line of dialogue. Maybe you could use 'ashamed' instead?] is the most human I have seen [This sounds awkward. I think it would flow better as either 'I've seen you' or 'I have ever seen you'.] you.'


7.
Aidan laughed a deep, rumbling belly-laugh that caused some people to look at him disapprovingly from the other side of the room. Someone thrust a velvety-looking, plumed hat in his direction. He picked it deftly from the air and, on the off-chance that the wearer might throw it back at him, placed it on Evian's head. Evian was sure that it clashed violently with his hair, and he would not have minded if it did, but he hated feeling conspicuous.
What colour is the hat? I don't know what colour Evian's hair is either but I'm presuming your other readers will so what colour is the hat to clash so awfully?

8.
'Also impure.' Aidan smiled lazily. He leaned back in his seat and rapped at its side with his knuckles. His eyes acquired a faraway look.


Overall

Evian's not so smart, huh? If I wanted to go unnoticed, I would not start talking about the very person I was hoping would avoid me xD

So I like this chapter! I think it would be interesting to have more description of the location or even a little more of the vampires but that may be because I cam in late and I don't know whether to imagine dracula style vampires or something more modern.

I think I like Aidan despire or almost because Evian doesn't. There's something about him that's fun and quirky and honest-seeming though I'm sure he's hiding plenty of his true nature as well. I'm not sure if I'm meant to like him but I thought I'd let you know!

The chapter ends on a cliff hanger again. Maaaybe it would be nice for them to resolve their conversation a little more before you move on? It's a good revelation but I think exploring what that means or how Evian feels about that would be a better end to the chapter. It doesn't have to be much - just a few lines of his reaction/ winding down so it feels less like a slightly over dramatic ending.

See you tomorrow ;)




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Sat Feb 20, 2016 8:32 pm
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steampowered wrote a review...



Hello Pomp, steampowered here for another review on your wonderful work! (After this review, I’m all caught up for the time being, which is nice) So I’d better get started!

walls slanted ever so slightly


This is a really small point, but do they slant inwards or outwards? I feel like simply stating that the walls slant doesn’t actually add much to the description because it doesn’t give the reader a clear enough picture. Just my thoughts though.

The chain around Evian's neck seemed to burn against his skin; he resisted the urge to tug at it.


Hmm, Evian.

hybrids of the same race


Err, someone say hybrids? Of the same race? What’s the original race, or did I miss something? (I’m kind of hoping I haven’t… that would be embarrassing… whatever it is, I’m hopeful that this will be explained more later)

Anyway, great chapter ending. I like how informal everything is – I was expecting something really formal and stilted, with Evian being cross-examined by a bunch of unfriendly vampires, so this was a pleasant surprise.

Whew, I think that’s me caught up on the reviews, at least for the time being. If I ever don’t review in future, it might be a good idea to give me a prod or leave a request in my thread if you have the time. I can’t ignore requests in my thread, after all. ;)

But yes – this has been great so far, and I really do mean to review the rest! Since I’ve reviewed eighteen chapters so far, I feel like I’m in for the long haul. So, feel free to prod me if I forget (or more likely am simply too lazy) to review the rest. Best of luck with your novel, and I look forward to seeing the completion of the project, considering the amount of work you’ve put into it so far. :D

Keep writing!

-steampowered-





"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
— Lewis Carroll