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Young Writers Society



Tryal's Curse 4.1

by Pompadour


1775 words~

Chapter Four:

A Girl is Found



Evian ran.

Past the tanner’s nook, past the apothecary and the cluster of general stores that were oh-so-general in their very existence—his feet became part of the city. He jumped over crates and barrels, his orange hair a clearly visible blur in the darkness. His eyes were black and haunted, his mouth set grimly, his hands pale flashes by his side.

When Evian Threshold was seventeen, people called him The Whirlwind, a human dragon that whizzed down streets and clambered onto terraces faster than people held the capacity to blink. The Whirlwind, the lone pirate, the wild breeze with feet.

Now, twenty-nine, Evian was still—still—a whirlwind, and it was not hard for him to soon leave the Office behind. He could hear the yells of the Royal Rifle Crew behind him, resounding in the night.

He was glad he could run, glad for the lightness of his feet and the full moon bleeding moonlight over his path. Glad that he knew Syti like the back of his hand. It was somehow a relief when he realised that he knew where to go, even when the earth seemed to slip beneath his feet and everything seemed to be lost. The Orb—lost. The map, the invitation to the Blacksmith’s meeting—lost.

Glad, Evian thought, gritting his teeth. I am glad.

A burst of wind tickled the back of his neck. He shivered, from the combined effect of the cold and Luin’s yell, an earsplitting ‘Threshold!’ that sounded too close—too close for comfort. He turned down an alleyway. Gutter water rose up to his ankles, but he carried on, barely noticing the wetness seep into his socks.

They were close, Evian could tell. He could hear the Crew grunting and splashing, and he sped forwards, jaw set determinedly. ‘Threshold, Threshold!’ they called, their accents strange and alien, their voices much too calm—as if to lull one into a false sense of security.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Up and over. Evian made his way along the labyrinthine mess of narrow streets, knowing the Eastside slums were the hardest place to navigate at night. The walls changed from dull to duller; rubbish heaps were the only thing blocking his path, and once, he had to jump over a pool of faeces. The tall alley walls seemed to compress him. Sweat trickled down his back and hung over his face in a glimmering sheen; the wind slammed into him every chance it got. It was cold. His heart was burning in his chest. He had to stop soon. He would have to catch his breath—

‘Halt! Halt!’

—but that meant the Crew would catch him, Evian thought. He had to get rid of them. He had to get home somehow—to Edith. But he couldn’t lead the Royal Rifle Crew there. Not to Edith. Although, he admitted to himself, Edith was probably more resourceful than him when it came to situations like this.

Besides, Evian thought, he already had a destination in mind. He sped up, turning this way and that. He wedged his way into a gap that ran between two buildings, relieved when he found it was not a dead end. Turning again, he found himself into another, narrower, alleyway. It was barely wide enough for two people. Evian stopped for a moment and collected his bearings; when he closed his eyes, the map in his head showed even clearer.

He opened his eyes again. The Crew were close; he could hear them grunting as they attempted to follow him.

But Evian was ten steps ahead of them (both literally and figuratively).

His legs pumped automatically now; rounding a corner, he climbed up a rickety staircase and onto a roof. Once at the top, he glanced back down. Sewer water reached the front steps of all the old, abandoned houses. Evian knew this was one of the older parts of Syti, the part that had flourished before the Fourth War of the Blacksmiths, but fell into decay once the Human-Vampire dynasty came into effect. It was dirty now--coarse, uninhabited. Evian smiled.

It was perfect.

He waited, until he was sure Luin’s men were close—closer—he could hear them, now, their cloaks slapping against their legs, their boots scraping against the ancient brickwork.

He unbuttoned his shirt and dropped it into the narrow street, glad when it caught on a pipeline. His shoes, too, were off in a flash. He hung off the edge of the building, swearing under his breath when his socks slipped on the terracotta tiles. 'Swords of a sickle,' he mumbled. He held his shoes suspended for a moment, fingering the laces. He bit down on his lip.

One, two, he counted in his head, twisting the lace nervously around his finger.

A shadow appeared along the narrow passageway, grunting and wheezing. A shadow. The edge of a boot.

Three. Evian let go of one shoe. Holding the other tightly in his fist, he was off, scaling the rooftops as nimbly as a cat.

Three streets away, he tossed the other shoe into the night. Grinning, he made his way along the old houses, wishing hard that they would not decide to crumble beneath him any time soon.

Goodness knew he had seen enough trouble tonight.

*

By the time Evian skidded in front of the Hawkstead Inn, his heart felt like it had stopped beating. A strange kind of numbness washed over him, lying heavily in the cavity of his chest. He gulped air down like water—water, Evian thought, panting—and embraced the exhaustion, savouring the chilly air when it tickled his dry throat. Laying his palms flat against his knees, he watched, with gross fascination, as sweat streamed off the end of his nose.

Silence pounded at his ears. Drum-like. Bizarre in its motions. Evian had never experienced a night in the heart of Syti as quiet as this one.

He looked back over his shoulder. The street lay empty, coiling down the hill like a snake. It glimmered every time the clouds drifted past the moon, in a way that was magical and all-too-calm, Evian thought, to be entirely real. At the bottom of the hill, the road changed from stone-paved to shale, and the old, decrepit houses looked like crumbly biscuits—not the appetizing sort, it must be admitted, but they were falling to bits in an incredible likeness of Edith’s baking.

Evian’s stomach rumbled. He clapped a sweaty hand on it, wincing as his wet hand came away wetter; he was glad he had gotten rid of his shirt earlier, otherwise it would be clinging to him like a second skin. But that was nothing—nothing, Evian thought, compared to how wet and slicked with blood he could have been had he been caught by the Royal Rifle Crew.

There was a sharp intake of air. Evian tensed.

It took him a second to realise that said breath had belonged to him.

Perhaps his mind was exaggerating the consequences a little. But then again, perhaps it was not, he argued. You never knew with Inspektors; Adreitus’ history was filled with their corruption, with cruelties and punishments they handed out simply for their own enjoyment. An odd feeling pricked at Evian's skin, almost like a mosquito had decided to wedge itself into it, and he rubbed a hand across the base of his neck awkwardly.

He was very glad he had decided to run.

He looked up at the Inn again, at its white, wooden walls and ungainly structure. For all the customers it attracted, the Hawkstead Inn was not build for the sake of aesthetics: it looked—and Evian was quite right in his judgements—like a boulder. It was even more boulder-like than it had been seven years ago, the last time Evian has popped by for a bout of business with the owner, Gale Warren.

He cast a quick look around him again, warily, searching for figures in black that should chance upon him in the night. The foreigners Luin had hired did not know their way around Syti well, which was very lucky for Evian, all things considered. They were, at this very moment in time, searching for Evian in the twisting, turning alleyways of the Eastside slums, splashing in gutter water and murmuring hisses in the night.

Evian, however, did not know this, and the stillness and serenity of the street tugged his senses in every direction, until every thought he conjured up was splayed and entirely dismal.

He wondered where the Royal Rifle Crew was now. He wondered if they would go to his home, to search for him there. He thought of Edith—unassuming Edith—and guilt settled like a cold snake in the pit of his stomach.

There was a sharp intake of breath again. His neck prickled.

‘Evian—Threshold, that you?’

Fear enveloped Evian—the kind of fear that seemed to claw up his oesophagus and left him feeling distinctly nauseous. He realised, somewhat belatedly, that he had been standing in the middle of an empty street for five minutes now, eyes idly tracing the pattern along the Inn’s wooden door. But the pattern had disappeared; in its place stood a heavy-set man with eyebrows that were bulkier than the rest of him, and thick, and forest-like. His eyes were shrewd, as was the slight turning of his mouth. He frowned at Evian.

Evian frowned back.

‘Aye,’ he said hoarsely. ‘It’s Evian.’ Silence hung between them like a curtain of flies. Evian could have sworn the air buzzed, if only for a moment. He cleared his throat. ‘I need your help, Warren.’

The bulky man shifted, his large hands patting down at his grey apron. ‘What is it?’ he asked, regarding Evian with a most suspicious look. Evian wished he wasn’t so exhausted; he would have dearly loved to knock that look off Warren’s face.

‘You owe me.’ Evian licked his lips. ‘I pulled a sword from your left leg, remember? Stitched the wound, too, and put up with your blathering for longer than any sane person would’ve, this side of the world.’ He licked his lips again and bit down on them, tasting blood as it seeped through the cracks. ‘You owe me,’ he repeated.

The larger man cocked his head at him. Then, growling under his breath, he motioned at Evian to follow him.

‘Come in, I s’pose.’ He looked at Evian over his shoulder. ‘Whirlwind,’ he added, before turning and walking into the building.

Evian smirked and followed Warren inside, pulling the door shut behind him. He breathed in the heavy scents that wafted across the Inn.

The Whirlwind, he thought. It had been a long time since he had heard that name.


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Thu Mar 03, 2016 11:58 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Specifics

1. I think the opening sentence would be nicer if it was a lengthy description of what the town looks like going by as a blur and ending with the abrupt short sentence after it. At the moment the sentence doesn't reflect the action because it's so abrupt and doesn't have that continuous feel of motion. I'm really fond of those kind of parallels.

2.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Up and over. Evian made his way along the labyrinthine mess of narrow streets, knowing the Eastside slums were the hardest place to navigate at night. The walls changed from dull to duller; rubbish heaps were the only thing blocking his path, and once, he had to jump over a pool of faeces feces.


3. So I'm not sure how removing his clothes and throwing his shoes makes it easier to get away? Maybe I've missed something - were they tracking him by those or something? It just seems like it's going to be harder to blend in and escape with no clothes and running without shoes is awful especially (I imagine) on a roof.

4.
He looked back over his shoulder. The street lay empty, coiling down the hill like a snake. It glimmered every time the clouds drifted past the moon, in a way that was magical and all-too-calm, Evian thought, to be entirely real. At the bottom of the hill, the road changed from stone-paved [Not sure on this - maybe stone slabs?] to shale, and the old, decrepit houses looked like crumbly biscuits—not the appetizing sort, it must be admitted, but they were falling to bits in an incredible likeness of to Edith’s baking.


5.
He looked up at the Inn again, at its white, wooden walls and ungainly structure. For all the customers it attracted, the Hawkstead Inn was not build built for the sake of aesthetics: it looked—and Evian was quite right in his judgements—like a boulder. It was even more boulder-like than it had been seven years ago, the last time Evian has popped by for a bout of business with the owner, Gale Warren.


6. I'm not sure if we should have both the explanation of how he used to be called Whirlwind and then the guy calling him it. The earlier part becomes a very forced setup.

Overall

Lovely descriptions in this chapter and while not a lot happened, I liked the stuff which did happen, other than some confusion about him removing his clothing. My only concern is that the Inspektor and his men are very bad at their job, which you seemed to establish in the previous chapter as well, but it means there's no cause to worry for Evian. Even if he was a more sympathetic character, I wouldn't worry about him and it doesn't create fear of the Inspektors. Which I know from later segments are meant to be cruel and scary people.

I think if Evian almost got caught or only escape being captured with the help of someone else then that would make this chapter more tense but other than that it was a fun read.

Speak again soon!

~Heather




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Thu Feb 11, 2016 4:28 pm
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Squall wrote a review...



Hello Pomp! Been a while since I reviewed this LMS eh? I had some time to spare, so I thought why not.

Now, twenty-nine, Evian was still—still—a whirlwind, and it was not hard for him to soon leave the Office behind. He could hear the yells of the Royal Rifle Crew behind him, resounding in the night.


Nit-pick here, but I would think that after so many years, he would be out of shape unless he exercises on a regular basis.

It was somehow a relief when he realised that he knew where to go, even when the earth seemed to slip beneath his feet and everything seemed to be lost. The Orb—lost. The map, the invitation to the Blacksmith’s meeting—lost.

Glad, Evian thought, gritting his teeth. I am glad.


Maybe relieved that he escaped, but he did lose some valuable items in the whole thing which 1. Hinder what he was intending to do and 2. Can possibly allow the Royal Rifle Crew to track him down.

Evian knew this was one of the older parts of Syti, the part that had flourished before the Fourth War of the Blacksmiths, but fell into decay once the Human-Vampire dynasty came into effect. It was dirty now--coarse, uninhabited. Evian smiled.


Err so what actually happened during that historical event?

Evian knew this was one of the older parts of Syti, the part that had flourished before the Fourth War of the Blacksmiths, but fell into decay once the Human-Vampire dynasty came into effect. It was dirty now--coarse, uninhabited. Evian smiled.


Not likely. If the police force in your world are any good at their job, not only will they start a search warrant at his place, but they'll also radio in for more men to expand the search perimeter and put up search stops at certain places around the city (though I guess that also depends on how high profile Evian is to the police).

Overall impressions:

Pretty decent chapter actually. I liked how you described the pursuit(how he felt, what was happening around him, even the minor details) without losing the fast paced and the tension of such a pursuit.

I think the only problems I have is just the logic behind the construction of some of the sentences given the context of the story (pointed out above) and how the police force operates in this world (Hint: They don't seem to be too good at their jobs).

So even if a squad of those police guys were just visiting his house just to ask him a few questions, I would think that they would at least carry their weapons with them. It's really strange that in their minds, they think that they would have a chance of catching Evian by just having a couple of dudes just run and play tag with him. There's like no strategy in what they're doing. They don't radio for back up, they don't have men try to cut him off at a corner or try to intercept him. If they had their weapons, they could at least threaten him that they'll shoot if he keeps running.

You might want to also show more of the police's point of view in the chase, not just Evian's. It's kind of boring to just picture some generic police dudes chasing Evian. In any good action scene, it's fun to see how both parties try to outplay the other and how they interact with what the opposition does as well as their surroundings. That's why I say you should develop the police more and have them employ more strategies and protocols in what they do.

Lastly, what's up with the whole vampire dynasty thing? What actually happened in such an event? How did the event alter some parts of the city such that Evian was able to take advantage of it and had a higher probability of escape? Saying that certain part of the city was decaying and abandoned isn't a convincing reason that he was happy the chase had reached that part of the city. If that part of the city was a complete mess and disjointed such that it's easier to lose the police, then I would have bought into it.




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Here for more.
Note: I've no idea why I've been spoilering, but I don't think I can fix that now. Those were meant to be quotes. *oops*
Anyway, let's do this.

Do I really need to say 'Nitpicks first?'

He jumped over large crates and barrels, his orange hair a clearly visible blur in the darkness.

I don't think you need to point out that they're large. You haven't described Evian as having a speck of magic, and I doubt you will. Saying that the obstacles are large makes it rather unbelievable, and it also makes it rather wordy.

Now, twenty-nine, Evian was still—still—a whirlwind and it was not hard for him to soon leave the Office behind.

Comma before the 'and', I do believe. I'm not sure it's grammatically incorrect, but it just feels like it needs a comma, y'know?

He shivered, from the combined effect of the cold and Luin’s yell, an earsplitting ‘Threshold!’ that sounded too close—too close for comfort.

I don't think you need two 'too closes'. One is enough- just end the sentence with 'sounded too close for (any) comfort'.

Gutter water rose up to his ankles, but he carried on, barely noticing the wetness seep into his socks.

Seep should definitely be seeping.

Evian stopped for a moment and collected his bearings; when he closed his eyes, the map in his head showed even clearer.

The 'even clearer' you have at the end of the sentence may be grammatically correct, but 'even more clearly' sounds better to me.

Evian thought, panting—and embraced the exhaustion, savouring the chilly air when it tickled his dry throat.

Um, no. Never have I met anyone who prefers cold air when they're breathing hard. As long as it's not too hot, warm air is best- cold air burns.

Silence pounded at his ears. Drum-like. Bizarre in its motions.

I know he's just finished with running and he'd be thinking stiltedly, but your narrator would not, and this is your narrator speaking. Make it less choppy and preferably one sentence.

He clapped a sweaty hand on it, wincing as his wet hand came away wetter; he was glad he had gotten rid of his shirt earlier, otherwise it would be clinging to him like a second skin.

Separate those into two sentences at the semicolon, and then change the comma before otherwise to a semicolon. Right now, the latter half of your sentence is a comma splice.

There was a sharp intake of air. Evian tensed.

Tsk, tsk. Short and choppy. Combine those sentences, love.

He cast a quick look around him again, warily, searching for figures in black that should chance upon him in the night.

'Should' lends an entirely different meaning to your sentence where you've placed it. You could say 'should figures in black chance' or, even better, 'might chance upon'.

They were, at this very moment in time, searching for Evian in the twisting, turning alleyways of the Eastside slums, splashing in gutter water and murmuring hisses in the night.

Perhaps say 'into the night?' It reads better, for whatever reason.

He realised, somewhat belatedly, that he had been standing stark in the middle of a naked street for five minutes now, eyes idly tracing the pattern along the Inn’s wooden door. But the pattern had disappeared; in its place stood a heavy-set man with eyebrows that were bulkier than the rest of him, and thick, and forest-like.

I think that's supposed to be 'stark naked in the middles of a street'. It doesn't make sense otherwise. How can a street be naked? Also, this is such a long sentence. Split it up, please.

The bulky man shifted, his large hands patting down at his grey apron.

Remove the 'at', if you please.

End of nitpicks.

Alright, onwards. Lovely characterisation of Warren and bits and pieces of backstory thrown in here and there. I think you hit a good balance of dialogue and description in this chapter- the pacing was perfect. You've improved with writing omniscient voice, but you can always do more. This chapter, I found, was a bit lacking. I've also noticed that you have a consistent problem with sentences that are either too long- or, for the most part, short and choppy. Look for that and work on it.

You description was lovely, but Evian does entirely too much thinking. I would think that a sort of mind-numbing fear would come over him- think back to the last time you were on an adrenaline rush. So less thought, I do believe. I also like the bits about Edith's baking- they were a sort of comic relief that had been lacking in this part. (I think you could use more comic relief, though.) You can also characterise Edith further. I'm assuming Evian doesn't have children; if he does, please have him think of them.

You haven't had any plot holes recently- nice, but if Warren knows that Evian is called Whirlwind, then wouldn't he greet him as such? The 'Whirlwind' seemed like much of an afterthought. It's not like Evian has described himself running, right? (Although, if they discuss that, that would bean excellent place to put it.) Right now, I think you should have Warren greet him as 'Whirlwind', though.

I cannot wait for everyone to come together! *rubs hands together excitedly*

I do hope I'm helping, pompsicles.

~Rora




Pompadour says...


Ahh, 'stark in the middle of the naked street' was supposed to be a metaphor--but it went haywire, obviously. XD I should get rid of that and avoid all the confusion, lol. (He just dropped his shirt in the gutter/slum streets, not his pyjamas. XD)

Also! Evian does not have children. Him and having children is actually quite an interesting story, in that it contributes to the plot and lets *certain things* happen, but it means spoilers for you so sshh.

Thank you for the wonderful review, lovely!<3



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steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review!

While I really enjoyed reading this, and I love the very unique way in which you write, I sometimes feel like your style is a little difficult to follow. For example, the long sentences and use of less commonly used words help to create that air of quirkiness, but I think it can make it more difficult for your reader to understand. This is just a suggestion, but I’d suggest toning it down just slightly so it’s a bit easier for the reader.

My other real criticism is that you have a large number of characters and currently I have no real idea of what’s going to happen. Every time the reader connects with a character, the viewpoint changes and I personally find it quite difficult to follow more than about two storylines at a time. I’m feel like I’m just reiterating what I’ve already said, but I don’t have any other criticisms / suggestions for the novel as a whole.

When Evian Threshold was seventeen, people called him The Whirlwind, a human dragon that whizzed down streets and clambered onto terraces faster than people held the capacity to blink. The Whirlwind, the lone pirate, the wild breeze with feet.


Hmm, interesting. It definitely raises questions about who Evian is, and what kind of game he might be playing.

the full moon bleeding moonlight over his path


I love this phrase!

An odd feeling pricked at the back of Evian’s neck, almost like a mosquito had decided to wedge itself into his skin, and he rubbed a hand across the base of his neck awkwardly.


Nitpick, but I feel like your repetition of back / base of neck is slightly awkward. Maybe “rubbed a hand across his skin”?

He breathed in the heavy scents that wafted across the Inn.


Perhaps you could describe the scents a little more in this paragraph? I immediately pictured an overwhelming smell of stale beer and sweat, but since you said “scent” it made me wonder if it was something slightly more fragrant. This is probably my only real suggestion for the chapter as a whole, since the rest are just nitpicks and generic feedback.

Overall, I’m enjoying reading this (and thank you for tagging me) although I’d really like to soon get more of an idea of where this is all heading. Once again, your worldbuilding and descriptions of Syti (I love that name by the way; I imagine it’s pronounced like “City?”) is pretty good! I’m very interested to find out more about Evian, and of course who Edith is. Keep writing! :D





Knowing too much of your future is never a good thing.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief