Tryal's Curse 3.2

by Pompadour

Published August 25, 2015

In Tryal's Curse--Novel~

~1303 words


‘Open the door!’ Inspektor Luin called up. The figures draped in black all nodded sombrely. Evian gulped and nodded back. 

He was down the stairs and standing by the door in a heartbeat, although not before reaching into his pillowcase and stuffing a small something into his pocket with the Round Object. He cast Simon a quick glance as he erased the protective engarvments on the door—the cheap kind that you could just paste on and they would turn to ink within seconds.

When he opened the door, Inspektor Luin spat in Evian’s face. He had been wary of his companions, the Royal Rifle Crew, while they stood outside, but now he was facing Evian Threshold—a lowlife, a commoner, a not-endorsed-personally-by-royalty piece of scum. Evian’s expression did not flicker from impassive, but his eyes blazed with challenge. He bowed his head and when he raised it, his face wore a mask of polite curiosity.

Once upon a time, Evian Threshold had sparred with warriors and great men; he had fooled and acted and done both brave and stupid things. He would not be a nervous wreck. He would not let himself be found out. When he spoke, his voice was clear and strong.

‘How may I help you, Inspektor Luin?’ Evian asked. His pocket was weighing heavily on him—both in conscience and in actuality, but he shook the feeling off. Luin surveyed Evian with contempt and pushed his way into the Office before replying. The seven cloaked men did the same, the top of their black caps brushing the wooden rafters.

‘You are aware as to why I am here, Mr …Threshold, is it?’ Luin pulled a photograph from his pocket and looked at it, then smiled. ‘Yes, Mr Threshold, thirty-one years old, has worked at the Local Relations Office for the past ten years—perhaps an apprenticeship before that, if I am correct, judging by the state of your uniform; the knees of your trousers are wearing away in an alarming fashion—and you are mostly responsible for secretarial and cleaning work even now.’ He slid the photograph back into his pocket. ‘Your collar is crinkled; you have circles under your eyes that show you have not been sleeping well—of late or is this a regular thing?—but you stand with the tense attitude of a man who has something to hide.’

Evian held his head a little higher and smiled back at the Inspektor. ‘You are mostly right, Inspektor, but I am a man that hides nothing. Contrary to what you have … discerned so far, I am under no stress, no duress, and I sleep fine. You will find that it is mostly when someone is asleep—that they do not open the door at once.’ He moved towards the cupboard in the corner, eyes sliding over the orb-filled shelves before pulling out a tin of biscuits. ‘Tea?’ he asked. ‘Simon here would offer you some coffee, but as you can see, he’s out of it.’ Evian gestured to his coworker, who was, indeed, slumped over the front desk. He snored loudly.

Luin growled. ‘No—no thank you; we are here—’

‘To search the Office?’ Evian asked quietly. ‘I would presume you have come to inspect me, but I am not all that important.’ He laughed shortly. ‘Besides, you have brought these lovely … gentlemen … with you, and I am assuming they would not be out at this time were you not here for something— crucial.’

‘Your tongue,’ Luin said sharply. ‘Hold your tongue, Threshold, or I will think about arresting you for impertinence.’ He signalled to the men standing behind them; Evian noticed that all of them wore a black star on the brim of their hats, and were tall, and had the same slate-grey, emotionless faces. How peculiar, he thought. The king is hiring foreigners.

He stood watching, arms hanging limply by his side, as the seven men spread out. Some of them tore down the maps that were pasted on the walls—maps of Adreitus the Office had collected over the years: some convex, others plain, and the kinds that were heavily inked and intricate. Evian bit down on his lip as he watched one of the seven tear a gaping hole in the middle of Syti on the largest map, the one that he had recently drawn over and updated with a cartographer’s pen. He moved forward to stop them, to say something, but Luin stepped in front of him, tongue clicking impatiently.

‘Tell them to be careful, Inspektor!’ Evian said. ‘Please—it’s our work—’

‘Quiet,’ Luin said. ‘This is necessary. And I hardly think you are in the position of making any requests.’

‘Why—if I may ask, is this necessary?’ Evian asked with forced politeness.

Because,’ Luin replied, with the air of explaining something to a dimwit, ‘the Blacksmiths are gathering followers.’ He looked up from his clipboard, on which he had been scribbling something furiously. ‘It’s a classic trick, pretending to play dumb, Evian Threshold. You know what we’re looking for.’ He turned the clipboard and raised it to Evian’s face. He blinked at the crest Luin had inked there, the trademark sign of the Blacksmiths: an axe and a crossbow crossed diagonally, one over the other.

Evian raised his eyebrows. ‘You think—you think we’re helping the Blacksmiths?’

‘Not at all.’ Luin began to scribble down quick notes on his clipboard again. ‘I do not think anything. It is merely that your Office may be affiliated with the Blacksmiths of Orn, and we cannot risk that.’ Luin’s turned his back to Evian, gaze sweeping over the room. His head caught the light off one of the orbs; the light bounced back. Evian stifled a laugh, biting instead on the inside of his cheek.

He shifted uneasily, from foot to foot, feeling suddenly awkward and worried. Luin’s men moved from the walls to the shelves and began to juggle the orbs in their hands. A few of them fell to the ground and broke, their blue light fading to an angry yellow. Evian cried out in outrage.

‘You’re messing with the—’ Evian winced as the orb began to shriek loudly—‘the network! All our saved messages from the locals, they’re—’

CRASH. Evian’s cries were drowned out by the orbs shattering against the ground.

‘Inspektor!’

A complaint has been lodged against Mr Beit of Twenty One Street, East Syti…’

‘…dragon-hunter uncle, tormented by delusions…’

‘…assistance requested; kindly dispatch a safety team for pruning and planting…’

‘Inspektor Luin!’

Evian stomped forwards and laid a hand on Luin’s shoulder. His reaction was so sudden, so unexpected, that he yelled—Luin grabbed Evian’s arm and threw his across the room. One moment he was flying over Luin’s head; the next he was in a heap against the ratty old sofa in the corner. Conveniently placed, Evian thought. He got up and rubbed his head. His shoulders felt light, all of a sudden.

Evian’s eyes widened. When Luin had tossed him across the room, he had somehow managed to grab hold of his coat. He turned it upside down now and everything Evian had hidden there fell out of his pockets.

A compass. A bag of sweets. A pencil. A fancy card.

And an orb with the Blacksmith’s seal on it.

Everything seemed to freeze suddenly and acquire clarity. Evian could feel his heart throbbing in his chest, the sweat gathering along his hairline. Simon snored loudly in the corner, his flabby face firmly planted on his desk. Luin’s face was contorted with rage and the Office was lit up with colours, spectacular blazes of whites and yellows and blues.

Slowly, it seemed to Evian just then, he got to his feet.

Then everything became hazy again—he was out the door and running down the street before he heard Luin scream.

‘Threshold!’ 

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · Mar 2, 2016

Hullo! I figure I'd better stay in practice even if I can't officially tortoise this month so here I am again.

Specifics

1.

‘Open the door!’ Inspektor Luin called up. The figures draped in black all nodded sombrely somberly. Evian gulped and nodded back.


2. The Inspektor got his words inside out in the last chapter and I wondered if that was going to be a speech pattern thing, if perhaps he had difficulty with language or something but he's speaking perfectly now. I think that probably needs to be addressed because people don't normally get the order of the letters wrong in their words.

3. Evian's emotions shift a little quickly in this chapter so it's hard to place a mood on it. I think it might be that he reacts to being worried by feeling hysterical?

4.
Evian stomped forwards and laid a hand on Luin’s shoulder. His reaction was so sudden, so unexpected, that he yelled—Luin grabbed Evian’s arm and threw his him across the room. One moment he was flying over Luin’s head; the next he was in a heap against the ratty old sofa in the corner. Conveniently placed, Evian thought. He got up and rubbed his head. His shoulders felt light, all of a sudden.


Overall

I liked this part better than the last but I'm still not an Evian fan. It seemed quite predictable that he'd turn out to be helping the Blacksmith's and I'm not sure what emotion to feel in regard to that. I'm not really afraid for him and he seems to get away too easily! Surely the inspektors have done this before and would have left a man at each entrance/ exit? I got the impression that this isn't their first raid so that seemed too easy.

I also feel like Evian acted foolishly when he provoked the Inspektor. Yes, it was in defense of his work and he gets bonus points for that, but I think I would understand him better if he had tried harder to shrink into the background.

The switching view points between looking through the Inspektor's eyes and then Evian's makes this a little jarring. I think it's best avoided in a single chapter and the narrative tone is still a little inconsistent, but other than that this is a smooth read.

All the best,

~Heather

User avatar
GoldFlame
Review
GoldFlame wrote a review Review · Dec 3, 2015

Heya! (This review may be in shards because I wrote it over the course of several weeks, so erm, beware of canines.)

Additional note: After this chapter I'll skip to the present ones; 3's definitely a bit early in the novel and your style's changed from here, although I might return at a later time. (Other note: This review's probably going to be short and unhelpful, as your writing's ascending toward flawless.)

thirty one years old


Should have a hyphen squished between "thirty" and "one," in case you miss it on your revisions.

perhaps an apprenticeship before that, if I am correct, judging by the state of your uniform; the knees of your trousers are wearing away in an alarming fashion—and you are mostly responsible for secretarial and cleaning work even now.’
‘Your collar is crinkled; you have circles under your eyes that show you have not been sleeping well—of late or is this a regular thing?—but you stand with the tense attitude of a man who has something to hide.’


This part had a few holes (but kudos for creativity). It's trying slightly too hard to paint Luin as an intimidating character.

- "Of late or is this a regular thing?" tasted extravagant, and "that show you have not been sleeping well" could easily be inferred; "in an alarming fashion" felt awkward; "if I am correct" tried to pile onto Luin's obnoxiousness and make him seem cleverer, but it did little of either.

Well-executed run-ons indicate a fast train of thought, which was the narrator's purpose, but it only resulted in a theatrical extravagance and blotted out Luin's coldness.

- All of the deductions are a bit simplistic-ish; it'd be much more intimidating if Luin went for microscopic details. And the thing with Sherlock Holmes is that the deductions often possess multiple layers, where Lestrade will observe a drop of blood on a table but Holmes will conclude that the serial killer placed it there intentionally.

(^To be picky. The reader's supposed to be intimidated by Luin, and the deductions feel elementary, my dear Watson for that purpose ... and now I'm in the mood to read/watch Sherlock Holmes, egh. *steeples fingers and exhales dramatically*)

- "Something to hide" is an enormous jump from "tense attitude." It feels like an opinion that was squashed after a bunch of facts, so maybe "of a man suffering severe stress" as a replacement? (Sibilance is delicious.)

It was a fantastic way to introduce Evian and stamp him in the reader's head, though, and you receive hints that he's going to blossom into a major character. Evian <3

(Something else--irrelevant-ish--is that it reminds me of the beginning of "The Raven." Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary ... suddenly there came a tapping...." I'm not exactly sure where the lines in the poem are torn off, but the connection here felt really oddly vivid. Maybe it's because I'm receiving similar atmospheres, or maybe I just paste a nostalgic mood onto everything. I had this image of the Inspektors, dressed in black, representing ravens, which are commonly associated with being messengers; and Evian in his "chamber," startled over the intrusion, and Simon as Lenore, absent, scarcely present, fading from Evian's mind as the Inspekravens consume his attention, until Evian escapes into fresh air.)

these lovely … gentleman


Typo--forgot to make "gentleman" plural here.

I think you did a pretty good job of crafting suspense and spinning a dark atmosphere, even though it's compensated for with lighthearted dialogue. The conclusion with the orb felt melodramatic, but assuming the piece was intended to possess a casual undertone?

(Threshold is a wonderful surname for a fantasy, by the way, and it fits Evian so well.)

maps of Adreitus the Office had collected over the years: some convex, others plain,


Convex is a bit of a oddly unique term here to describe maps, like it exists for the sake of existing (unless "convex maps" is a common term and I'm being idiotic; I thought the word only concerned bulging surfaces and mathematical functions, but does it have another meaning?).

And I hardly think you are in the position of making any requests.’
‘It’s a classic trick, pretending to play dumb, Evian Threshold.


Just re-check these pieces of dialogue; they're a bit awkward-sounding. Inspektor Luin's voice tends to jump around.

Reiteration below:

TC feels a bit like a quilt of contrasting fabrics; even just from one chapter half to another, there's a reshuffle in tone, style, and atmosphere. The narrator keeps trying to drape over the jumps with changes in perspective, but that doesn't accomplish much apart from distancing the reader and shaping the novel into a checkerboard--including when the shifts are intentional.

It'd be great if some characters sported really terse dialogue, for example, to contrast with the smooth, flowy voices that dominate. I can taste the characters' differences, but they're more legato than staccato.

The plot's delicious. Arlene running away last chapter was an amazing move, I think: isolating her with another character to increase their memorabality (memorableness?). And the whole raid, and Inspektor Luin, and the Blacksmiths. :D

And dat endinggg.

Just maybe pouring slightly more focus on structure, though? The events and viewpoint-rotating don't quite measure up with the pace. I'm also having difficulty distinguishing the exposition from the rising action, and the character motives are a bit foggy; the atmosphere and tone don't entirely run parallel to each other.

I love Evian so much! There was something about this chapter that really ensnared me, and you have the amazingest, flowiest style and the most wonderful description.

Keep up the epicness!

TheCrimsonLady wrote a review Review · Sep 27, 2015

Aaannnnd... onto the next chapter, since I'm review-battling!
Down to the grindstone we go.

Nitpicks first, as always.

Spoiler
He cast Simon a quick glance as he erased the protective engarvments on the door—the cheap kind that you could just paste on and they would turn to ink within seconds.

Nooooo, not again. Say it with me, Pomp, engraaaaavements. Not engarvments. *shakes head*

Spoiler
He had been wary of his companions, the Royal Rifle Crew, while they stood outside, but now he was facing Evian Threshold—a lowlife, a commoner, a not-endorsed-personally-by-royalty piece of scum.

Even though that makes me hate Inspecktor Luin, the last part is also hilarious, although I think you can remove the 'personally'. It's.... rather wordy as is. I can't think of how to say that. When you chain words together with hyphens, keep it as short as possible.

Spoiler
The seven cloaked men did the same, the top of their black caps brushing the wooden rafters.

This is a very nitpicky nitpick. But what did their hats brush, the top of the doorway or the ceiling? Because I'm definitely picturing a very high ceiling. If it is the ceiling, mention that it is low (although that may just be me).

Spoiler
‘Tea?’ he asked. ‘Simon here would offer you some coffee, but as you can see, he’s out of it.

Wait, wait, why can't he offer them coffee himself? I mean, does only Simon know where the coffee it? If you really want to bring Simon into it, mention that Simon would do it, but he's asleep.

Spoiler
‘Hold your tongue, Threshold, or I will think about arresting you for impertinence.’

The fact that he's only thinking about arresting Evian for impertinence kills the threat. Downright destroys is. Just say 'will arrest'. It's not like you've portrayed Luin as patient.

Spoiler
Luin’s face was contorted with rage and the Office was lit up with colours, spectacular blazes of whites and yellows and blues.

Wait, what's lighting up the office? Does Luin suddenly have magic? Is it the orbs breaking?

Spoiler
Slowly, it seemed to Evian just then, he got to his feet.

Reads oddly. Try 'Slowly, -or so it seemed to Evian just then- he got to his feet.'

End of nitpicks, yay!

Onto the rest, aye?

Plot first. The plot definitely picks up here, but I think you can cut a bit of the description out here and there and make one part with parts 1&2. That's just my opinion, though, and it's certainly not annoying to read, so leave it if you wish. I think it's perfect how you describe the ransacking of the Office (what a simple, yet imposing name!) Also, I don't think you need to bring Simon into it.

Lovely descriptions, as always. I especially liked how you described the orbs- they let the reader understand what they are and describe them wonderfully. I do wish you had more made up words, but only because they're so fun to read and discover. That's not actual criticism, simply a comment.

Good character development, and I liked being in Inspecktor Luin's head at the beginning. In fact, I liked it so much that I think you can do it in other chapters and more in this one. It definitely heightens the tone I think you're going for when you switch between characters' heads.

Darling Pomp, I have no more for you.
Happy Review Day!
~Rora

User avatar
steampowered
Review
steampowered wrote a review Review · Sep 4, 2015

Hello, steampowered here for a review! I’ll just get straight into it, shall I? :3

He was down the stairs and standing by the door in a heartbeat, although not before reaching into his pillowcase and stuffing a small something into his pocket with the Round Object.


Ooh. Wouldn’t the Inspektor order searches of the workers, just in case one of them happened to be hiding something? Would they really think to check, of all things, a pillowcase? Wouldn’t Evian be in much greater trouble if they found something on his person, than if they found it somewhere else? Or is it so important he’s less concerned with getting in trouble for it and more about keeping it safe?

‘You are aware as to why I am here, Mr …Threshold, is it?’ Luin pulled a photograph from his pocket and looked at it, then smiled. ‘Yes, Mr Threshold, thirty one years old, has worked at the Local Relations Office for the past ten years—perhaps an apprenticeship before that, if I am correct, judging by the state of your uniform; the knees of your trousers are wearing away in an alarming fashion—and you are mostly responsible for secretarial and cleaning work even now.’ He slid the photograph back into his pocket. ‘Your collar is crinkled; you have circles under your eyes that show you have not been sleeping well—of late or is this a regular thing?—but you stand with the tense attitude of a man who has something to hide.’


Ooh, Luin’s definitely a bit of a Sherlock. So he’s not just arrogant, he’s smart too. Great bit of showing and not telling here, by the way.

And an orb with the Blacksmith’s seal on it.


Gee, this was predictable. I have the feeling Evian isn’t that bright, otherwise he’d have left it in the pillowcase…

I’d write more but Squall always seems to cover the other things I pick up on (and I don’t really want to reiterate what’s already been said in previous reviews) so these are just a few little things I spotted. Um, and *waves magic wand* hey presto! Your work (apart from 3.1, think) is now out of the Green Room! :D

Sorry these were such bad reviews, but it’s hard to rip apart something you enjoyed reading. If you still don’t hate me after this, feel free to tag me when new chapters are published! :P

User avatar
Squall
Review
Squall wrote a review Review · Aug 30, 2015

Hey Pomp, it's time for round 3!

I think I should start off by saying that I actually quite like your imagery in this chapter. You did a really good job of setting up a place that's quite desolate and eerie in the middle of the night, and it raises intrigue to the reader as to Evian would live in such a place. Even better is the juxtaposition of the silence with the abrupt knocking of the policemen, suspecting Evian of committing a crime. That juxtaposition. Definitely one of the better written chapters in the novel so far.

You are right though. Although there's more things happening here than in chapter 2, it's pretty bland when the inspectors show up. I think it's because there's just no tension or excitement in the scene whatsoever, and it reads more goofy than it should have been. It's hard for me to pinpoint why that is though.

I think that since we are introduced to Evian in this chapter, we know little about him as his character or what he's hiding, so when the inspectors come, we know it's a raid, but we don't comprehend why Evian is desperately hiding something and is trying to repulse them. I think you need to slow down the pacing more and focus more on Evian's character when it is quite and he's alone. A person with a guilty conscience wouldn't just be snoozing way so easily I think, he would be more alert and paranoid. You have to establish who Evian is as a character and why he is living the way he is now so that when the inspectors come, we can clearly see that Evian doesn't want the police to know what he's been up to.

Another reason is that you have to consider as to whether this is an inspection, or a raid. Now, Luin brought back up in the middle of the night and it looks like they are ransacking the office. That looks like a raid to me. In a raid, the police officers would actually have their weapons out and aggressively knock on the door that they have a search warrant, and if you don't open the door in time, they'll knock it down and storm the house. They'll be shouting "Royal Rifle Crew, search warrant!" and "Get on the ground! Get on the ground now! Hands behind your back!". They'll detain you and put handcuffs on you. Point is, they wouldn't humour you with the details of the raid, and there wouldn't be this banter between Evian and the Royal Rifle Crew, because they are the ones in control.

Basically put, Evian shouldn't have time to be snarky and think of smug things of the Royal Rifle Crew, because if it is a raid, it is just a sudden torrent of confusion and chaos.

If this is instead an inspection, then Luin should only have 1-2 for back up at most, and you wouldn't want juxtaposition, but a more suspenseful and a slower paced chapter instead. I guess it would make sense for some banter in this case, but there should also be some mind games and the fear of getting caught happening as well.

I also notice that you seem to rely on a satirical prose quite a lot, but do keep in mind that it doesn't always work for certain moods and situations (such as this) and you would need to adjust your style to fit the situation more.

I think that's all I'm going to say. Overall though, it's not bad for a first draft, just needs to have more research done in regards to how police raids/inspections are conducted so that it doesn't feel bland, and you need to spend more time making us understand as to who Evain is as a character, what he is hiding, why that is a problem and so forth.

Additional comment: Oh yea, don't forget to show more of your surroundings! Even though an office may not be the most exciting place, it does help provide some idea of what a character is like and what they've been doing.



If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.
— Jane Austen