Tryal's Curse 21.1

by Pompadour

Published March 13, 2016

In Tryal's Curse--Novel~

Chapter Twenty-one: 
Running

Silence settled in the room like a thick fog. Evian could feel himself drowning in it, bleariness inundating his senses. Everything suddenly seemed so much stiller, and he was reminded inexplicably of the moment Luin had caught him out in Syti. Was it possible to run, now, from danger? What would the Blacksmiths do if they found him in the company of vampires? Moreover—what would /he/ do if he found himself in the company of Blacksmiths? Was joining them an option anymore?

He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. If only he could run. Somewhere far, far away, where he could be alone—but for the ocean's salty kisses, for the feel of seaweed tickling his spine.

For as long as the silence lasted, Evian stood still, eyes closed. His hand had somehow found its way to the doorframe—then his shoulder, until he discovered he was completely leaning against it for support. Edith, he thought. Lira. He opened his eyes abruptly, ignoring the harsh light as it pierced his vision. He saw that the council had quietly gotten to work. Pedra stood directing them—telepathically, it seemed—and a semi-transparent, greenish screen was hovering above the table's polished surface.

It was a map of Adreitus. Evian gazed at it in wonderment. Clouds wafted above the screen itself, looking like wisps of dragon-breath; the fields and meadows looked as though sheets of cloth had been spread and tucked over one another. While Evian had observed enough oddities during his teenage years, he had never been so close to magic in its pure form. Suddenly, he felt suffocated by it. The orb, Lira's powers, the vampires ... this. He clutched the side of his head; his legs began to shake violently, and he hid his face in his sleeve as he struggled to breathe.

He had to get out of here.

Aidan turned away from the window, letting the blinds drop over it. His face was grave as he crossed the room toward Evian.

'You have to take your family and get out of here,' he said, in a low voice. 'Knowing the Blacksmiths, they'll be here any moment now.'

'Arrowroad is—' Evian began, but Aidan cut in before he could continue.

'Safe enough. We can't issue an evacuation, but the mayor's sent some folks to tell the townsfolk to barricade themselves in their houses—in their basements. You have to leave.' He gripped Evian by the arm, steering him out of the room.

'When—he didn't—I was here, the mayor didn't say anything,' Evian said indignantly, wrestling out of Aidan's grip. Aidan stood in the doorway, his lips pursed. Behind him, Evian could see the mayor—his bald head shone like a copper coin in the light and he was engaged in quiet conversation with Pedra. Both of them looked considerably ruffled, but while Pedra was at least maintaining some semblance of calm, the mayor was visibly shivering. He looked as scared as Evian felt. 

'You're a bit out of it, Threshold,' Aidan said. 'Stop panicking. C'mon.'

-

Arrowroad was a small town, but one surrounded by tall walls—fortifications from days of old, when it had served as a military base. Even after diminishing in importance, from a thriving populace to a place regarded with only vague interest, the town had been a respite for the king and his family. And so years had passed, but the strong walls and heavy gates had never been felled. Evian was hoping that these walls would finally serve their purpose—but they were old, and he did not feel that one could put his faith into ramparts and parapets.

It took them barely two minutes to reach Evian's house, with Evian leading and Aidan following close behind. Moonbeams sifted through the clouds, settling gently onto the roofs of the houses. Evian's house was a rather small affair; grapevines covered the stretch of the walls, hiding the peeling yellow paint from view. Several shingles were missing from the roof and chunk of wall looked like it was dripping in tar—a strange, black substance had been rubbed over it.

Evian saw Aidan eyeing it and quietly said, 'Edith's an artist.'

He nodded. They hurried toward the house, and scarcely had they reached the door that it swung open. A woman with long, curly dark hair stood in front of them; she had a bag slung over her back and numerous sweaters tied around her waist.

'Evian!' She sighed in relief before enveloping her husband in a hug. 'I sent Tom home,' she said. 'And we—shall we be off?' Pulling herself away from Evian, she caught sight of Aidan.

'Hel—oh,' she said uncertainly. Her brow wrinkled, an odd mixture of curiosity and fear settling itself in her eyes. Her gaze travelled toward Aidan's head and her hand moved involuntarily toward her own ears; unlike Aidan's, they were not large and pointy, or covered in bat fur. She shook her head.

'A vampire?' she asked, and Aidan nodded. Her face broke out into a sudden smile. She laughed and held out a hand for Aidan to shake. 'My word, Evian! Vampires—I thought you detested vampires!'

Evian coughed. 'Never mind that, Edith—where's Lira?'

'Inside,' she replied. 'I'll go get her.' She gestured at the men to stay outside. 'Be back in a flick—don't want to wake up the neighbours.'

But before they had taken a single step, Lira scampered out of the door. Edith nodded at her, before moving to lock the door. She slipped the key into her brightly-patterned tunic and adjusted the strap of her bag. Lira was clutching at another bag and wearing what looked to be one of Evian's overlarge sweaters—but in the darkness, he could not tell. Her eyes glimmered with alertness as she smiled at him—it was quite a contrast to the tired, bedraggled girl she had been but a few hours ago.

There was a sharp intake of breath from Evian's side—he tilted his head to see that Aidan had stiffened visibly, his facial muscles pulled taut, his eyes settling with something akin to joy on Lira's face. His gaze darted toward Evian in silent questioning. /Is it her?/ he seemed to be saying. Evian gave him a cursory nod in confirmation, before moving to take Edith's bag from her. She batted him away.

'It's fine—I've got it. The cart,' she said crisply. 'It's been prepared, I borrowed a couple of horses ... we'll leave out the back gates and be halfway to Alteria by morning. Evian...' Her gaze flitted toward Aidan. 'Your friend...?'

'Will be joining you.' Aidan said, a finality in his tone. 'We have to leave. Forget the cart, we'll take the horses, barebacked if they're not saddled—it doesn't matter. Come.' He gestured at everyone to follow as he moved to walk down the road. Everyone else followed in his wake, Edith looking slightly miffed at how a stranger had taken control of the situation.

She gnashed her teeth together, her hard gaze settling on Evian as they walked. 'Evian,' she hissed, moving forward to grip his hand. 'I don't think...'

'Edith.' Evian grabbed her by the shoulder. 'That man's a vampire,' he said urgently.

'No, really? I noticed.'

'No—the Blacksmiths, they're coming for Arrowroad, and—'

'Aren't you supposed to be happy about that?' Edith whispered loudly. 'The mayor issued a notice; Josiah came and informed me, so I got ready to leave, but ... I figured you might not want to.' Moonlight struck her face, throwing its planes into sharp relief. She looked tired and angry, the bags under her eyes like purple half-moons. 'Don't you want to? Stay? I can never forget, Evian,' she said, and her voice was thick with agony. 'I can never forget, and you were there, how can you possibly—'

'Edith,' Evian rumbled, 'don't you guilt me into this—don't, please, just don't make her a part of this. I've made her the reason for all my mistakes, and I can't ... do that here.' He shook his head, before lowering his voice to a whisper and muttering, 'I'm not happy—they might hurt us, and I'm not so sure anym—'

'Hurry!' Aidan called back to them, over his shoulder. He had broken out into a run, his feet thumping against the ground. 'Hurry!' he said, and this time his voice sounded strangled. The silence in the town was deafening, the houses grim in their sameness—like hulking black hills that cast shadows over the prim, straight roads. Evian automatically looked around for Lira, but she was already running ahead.

He tugged Edith forward, trying to ignore the dread that settled within his stomach like a heavy weight. It was hard to think of war when the entire town was in a state of lock-down; it was harder to imagine fire and plundering than it was to see faces in the dark. Evian felt like a coward as he ran—when he had let go of Edith's hand, he didn't know, but he felt alone, insignificant, and just plain selfish as he and his company turned down alleyways and headed towards the town gates. 

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Morrigan
Review
Morrigan wrote a review Review · May 29, 2016

Hello, Pomp~ I'm here to rescue this from the Green Room on this fine Review Day.

Overall, I really liked this. You do a nice job incorporating the physicality of characters into the piece, and the dialogue feels nice for the most part. There are a few places that seem off, but I'll talk about them in a moment. This was really easy to get into. The language is modern, but clearly illustrates setting and the intensity of the situation.

There are only a few things that I can suggest for you to change.

He had to get out of here.
I suggest you cut this standalone line, especially because the other character says the same thing a few lines later. I don't think it does anything for the piece. We can already see the stress in the character, and it feels redundant.

his bald head shone like a copper coin in the light and he was engaged in quiet conversation with Pedra.
This is a bit of a nitpick, but because this is connected to another clause with a dash, I think it should be in a different tense. I'm not sure, though; I'm just going with what feels right to me, so make the final decision yourself. It would feel better if you said "his bald head shining like a copper coin in the light as he engaged in quiet conversation with Pedra."

/Is it her?/
I'm not sure why you use slashes to denote this, especially because you use italics later in the chapter. I suggest you put this in italics, but maybe I'm missing some kind of special function that they have within the novel.

The cart,' she said crisply.
Because "she said crisply" is between two related lines of dialogue, there should technically be a comma after crisply, instead of a period. Sorry for nitpicking c:

It's been prepared, I borrowed a couple of horses ...
In that whole section, I think that dashes would be more appropriate than ellipses. Of course, that could be due to personal bias as well. I hate ellipses. I feel like they make a character sound weaker. However, if this is your intention, go forth. To me, though, they make her sound less decisive.

I really enjoy your descriptions of setting, especially the section where you say,
the houses grim in their sameness.
The setting adds to the air of urgency in this chapter. Nicely done.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!

User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · Apr 9, 2016

Next chapter!

Specifics

1. I'd love to have more of Evian's thoughts on joining the Blacksmiths because I don't feel I understand his position there. Does he still think they are good people or does he want to join them to get away from the vampires?

2.

It was a map of Adreitus. Evian gazed at it in wonderment. Clouds wafted above the screen itself, looking like wisps of dragon-breath; the fields and meadows looked as though sheets of cloth had been spread and tucked over one another. While Evian had observed enough oddities during his teenage years, he had never been so close to magic in its pure form. Suddenly, he felt suffocated by it.
The first line here is redundant - the following description shows his reaction much better than that sentence could and having the sentence blunts the description somewhat.

3.
Several shingles were missing from the roof and a chunk of wall looked like it was dripping in tar—a strange, black substance had been rubbed over it.


4.
He nodded. They hurried toward the house, and scarcely had they reached the door that it swung open.
I think you had a sentence like this in the last chapter and I meant to say then it should be 'than it swung open'. That's the way it's normally phrased. Or you could use when but it has to be a word which relates to a period of time.

5. I think Edith needs to go get any provisions which have already been loaded to the cart. I'm guessing she has packed more than one bag for her and Evian - I'd probably have more than one bag just for me, especially if I was initially planning on taking a cart. Or at least say that she's going to - that seems the more imminent action than berating your husband about something which happened years ago.

Overall

This chapter has a good pace toward the end and it feels like we're finally going to get a big event. I like this novel but as it currently stands you have more filler chapters than climaxes and the plot feels like it's still early stages but you're on chapter 21! It may be that you need to condense your character list at some point or focus on a smaller group earlier on and then include others as the plot heats up. Or have some characters' stories climax earlier to keep the reader hooked.

That's something to think about at the end though and like I said, this chapter feels like the plot is moving somewhere and that's a good thing!

The start of the chapter moved a bit slower but it didn't last too long so that's okay and I think we do need a close to the scene with the vampires so it was an appropriate start.

All the best,

~Heather



I exist as I am, that is enough
— Walt Whitman