Chapter
Three~
Evian Threshold
~*~
It was past midnight in Syti and the Local Relations
Office was silent. It had closed at dusk, for outsiders, but for the night-workers
it had only been an hour since they retreated to their beds. The shutters were
closed. The doors were bolted and covered with engarvments to keep people out.
Someone rapped at the door.
It did not look like a very special place, the Office, being both shabby
and old. Somehow, it carried the
appearance of a building that has been wedged in the wrong place, at the wrong
time. It was a sore on clear skin. A brick among tiles of marble. It was a
weird place, that was what the shoppers
said, with their heels clacking against the cobblestones and their noses stuck
in their Orbs as they sent messages to who-knows-where-and-why.
However, it is also
to be said that, being a weird place, the Local Relations Office
reserved the right to attract attention.
To its right was a Post Office with gleaming windows and to its left, a Print
Shop. The Office’s wooden sign, which consisted of the letters ‘LRO’, swung
lightly in the wind. It creaked. The rest of the building did, too.
The someone rapped at the door a little harder.
A cold wind passed by, its jowls quivering, obviously in a hurry to get from
someplace here to someplace there (and to other places in between). It did not
notice the ancient building—for it was more than five hundred years old, if
that has not yet been mentioned—or the way it seemed to sigh as the wind
passed. The pot plants lining the pavement sighed as well. Their leaves
whispered
sekrets.
Despite the creaking, and the sighing, and the whispering, Evian Threshold felt it was a quiet night. He tossed and turned in his bed, in the apartment above the Office, blankets twisted around his legs. It was hot. He was in the middle of a dream. He did not get up, but dozed, dimly aware of yelling and the kicking of heavy boots against wood.
Yes, Evian’s
subconscious thought placidly. It was as quiet as it could be in a sprawling
city filled with strangers, as quiet as it could be when the nearest bar was
seven hundred footsteps down the street.
Let it be established once again, for posterity.
It was a quiet night.
Until the someone ceased rapping and ‘BANG!’ed
at the door of the Local Relations Office with all the tenacity of a rogue
rent. It was an exceptionally rude someone, thought Evian, still half-asleep. An
exceptionally
loud someone. He
pressed a pillow over his ears and held tight onto his dream, his subconscious muttering
and irritated.
Evian did not know this, but this someone was Inspektor Luin Sheal. He was, in
addition to being rude and loud, also exceptionally bald. He held a clipboard
to his chest and was flanked by seven odder-looking men, all dressed like the
night in wild flight. Inspektor Luin’s eyes were protuberant and searching; a vein pulsed in his temple as he rat-tat-tatted on
the door.
‘Localis Relations, open up the door! I am Inspektor Luin and I have with me
the Yoral filer—I mean, beg your pardon’—the protuberant eyed man threw an
apologetic glance at his companions—‘the Royal Rifle Crew, as sent by King
Trent to search all suspect areas in Adreitus. Open up!’ And he rat-tat-tatted a little harder. When the
lights inside the Office did not turn on, he kicked the door with a
fancy-booted toe. He yelled again. He cursed and threw a tantrum.
Then, he noticed the bell. He wondered why he had not seen it before and, somewhat
sheepishly, he pressed it.
The door began to vibrate strangely. Luin backtracked, clipboard digging into
his chest. The edges of the door glowed—it was like strange Ixister magic, Luin
thought, and his mouth hardened into a thin line. Almost immediately, the thin
line gaped open, as music blared from the bell and it began to sing. It sounded
like this:
‘There is a STRANGER at the door,
so come, so come and see!
There is a STRANGER at the door, you dwellers,
so open the door—so open the DOOR!’
Luin hissed; his clipboard fell to the ground; his fingers dug into his
ears. In the apartment above the Office, Evian Threshold hissed, too. Black
cracks appeared along the corners of his dream-world. He pulled the covers over his head and
grunted.
‘Nyeeeh…’
If there was something that irritated Evian Threshold more than paperwork, it
was an interrupted dream.
The doorbell continued to sing. Evian huffed and sat up. ‘I’m up! Quieten!’ he
said. The doorbell ceased its singing and Evian slumped in bed again, rubbing
at his eyes with the corner of his downy pillow. His eyes fluttered shut again,
and as they did, Luin chose to deepen the dent in the front door with his boot
again.
BANG!
‘Up! Up—I’m up!’ Evian cried. He stumbled out of bed and looked around for his
overcoat. It was dark in the room. Very dark, so that the furniture and the
shadows—everything—looked like hulking, distorted logs. Evian felt his way
around, carefully, making sure not to stumble over the uneven flooring. His
hand curved around a chair’s back and … something soft draped over it.
Coat, his sense of touch informed him
stoutly. He picked it up and threw it around his shoulders, not even bothering
to button it up. The coat was important to him. The coat was the one item he
had to have on him if the visitors were the people whose arrival he was
dreading. Raiders. Inspektors. Evian’s imagination went wild. He took in a deep
breath and shook his head.
Not raiders or
inspektors,
he thought. Customers.
They must be customers.
‘Don’t see why Simon couldn’t have opened the door,’ he muttered, inching
towards the door as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He walked down the
passage and towards the stairs.
At the top of the stairs, he paused. This pause was an extremely important
pause, because, unbeknownst to Evian, his sloth-like movements were making the
Inspektor—and his seven companions—rather impatient. The Inspektor kicked the
door again and swore. Evian winced.
It wasn’t odd to have customers coming at this time of night, because
complaining was a job unrestrained by the natural order of night and day. But,
Evian admitted to himself, it was rare. And after the raids down at the East
End of Syti, he had been especially paranoid during his night shifts. He
quickly felt in his pockets for what he had hidden there. The heavy, round
object met his searching fingers and he relaxed, if only slightly. He had to
check first before he let them in—whoever they were, wherever they came from.
They
could be Inspektors and they could take objects of a potentially hazardous nature from him.
Evian tapped at his chin, thinking, eyes
darting downstairs every now and then. Pale blue light flooded the lower level—the
workplace; it was the light the inactive Orbs gave off, when the Complaint
Network was dozing. His brow furrowed.
‘Simon,’ he whispered, peeking over the banister.
‘Simon.’ His coworker, stationed downstairs, didn’t reply. Evian
growled in his throat. He was probably asleep. The idiot. He could probably
sleep through an earthquake, Evian thought grumpily, and then wake up and
demand to know why everything had shifted place.
Evian shifted uneasily. Door or no? he thought. No or door?
This was frustrating.
The doorbell rang again. Evian made a strangled noise at the back of his
throat. Mind made up, he stalked back to his room.
Once back in the familiar darkness, he walked towards the crack of light issuing
from the space between the shutters. Throwing the window open, he shivered as a
blast of cold air smacked him in the face. He blinked furiously, then stuck his
head outside to see who had rung the bell.
He was met by a sight that turned his feet to ice. His knees clattered
together. Eight faces had looked up when he had opened the window, seven faces
gaunt and grim, and one face that made him feel both queasy and like he wanted
to laugh. The face that made Evian queasy was currently contorted in rage. It
was, however, not the face, but the gleaming pate atop his head that caught
Evian’s attention. He had never really seen a bald head that shiny before. He
gaped at it for a moment before shutting his mouth, hoping he just looked more
surprised than shocked.
Inspektor Luin from his Highness’ High Commission of Searching and Identifying
Suspicious Objects, glared up at him.
Evian blinked. Twice.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Tryal's Curse 3.2Points:
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Time to meet Evian? Don't mind if I do ^^
I’m not sure what a rogue rent is but one meaning of rogue is the silent assassin type, especially in fantasy settings, so that seems at odd with the loudness.Specifics
1. I haven’t mentioned this earlier because I was wondering if I was mostly being influenced by having read this in the wrong order but I’m not fond on the word engardments or how its been introduced. It sounds like engarvments but without the smoothness/ elegance that word has and it feels like a poor copy. I also don’t know what these engarvments look like, other than that you draw them with a special pen. I don’t know if they shine, if they’re on top of an object or actually engraved into it (though the name suggests the latter) and they don’t sound pretty. I’m not sure if they’re meant to but I thought it was about time I mentioned how much that word bothers me! The same goes for ‘sekrets’ which seems to have needlessly been renamed.
2.
3. I’m not sure why the inspector needed to be referred to as the ‘someone’ before. That feels a bit gimmicky and unnecessary. It works well when the someone turns out to be a someone the reader already know and you’re going for the surprise element but the revelation that it’s the inspector doesn’t hold any shock factor. I also think you can’t go from him banging on the door to ‘rat-tat-tatted’ which is suggestive of a softer sound.
4. The characters feel a bit samey so far and all react to frustration by kicking things/ being louder. I think you need to add a contrasting character. Someone who instead is calm and collected. It doesn’t have to be a main character but a range would be better and would help your characters not all blend together. There hasn’t yet been a male perspective where the character hasn’t been easily irritated or mumbling and grumbling! Which I think makes Arlene my favourite character by default (not going off what I know of them later).
5. I’m not sure what the difference between surprised and shocked is in this instance?
Overall
This isn’t my favourite chapter to be completely honest with you. And that’s okay! The writing style was smoother and closer to that which you have in the later chapters with less interruptions or outside observations – definitely a plus – but the characters felt like a repetition of those we’ve already had or at the very least not defined enough to get a feel of them. The main character trait displayed seems to be a mix of irritation at things going wrong and general grumpiness. The inspector shows a flicker of variety in his apology to the people with him but it’s not enough to set him apart.
I also thought the waking up scene took too long and it was a lot of waiting for something to happen for nothing to happen so far. Maybe the next part of this chapter will make up for that but I think you could have built the same level of tension with fewer delays.
All the best,
Heather
You'll be getting very sick of me by the end of tonight, I'm back again.
You'll discover that I'm someone who doesn't like padding very much (even though I do it all the time, I'm such a hypocrite.) I think you should start the chapter with the sentence I've quoted, it's a much more powerful start and also sums up all the excess paragraphs. I think you should keep the banging of the doors as that is important, but everything I think you can omit.
I don't have much to say about this chapter, your writing has certainly improved from what I've read in 2.2. It's much clearer, precise and has a wider variety of syntax than previously shown. Or perhaps Evian's just a good character to work with hmm? I like him, he's interesting and he's also written well. There is a good balance of showing and telling here coupled with enough information about him so that the readers don't feel lost but not too much so that it's boring. What I want to see is actually more of more Evian actually is. He lives in a household yet we haven't seen any of the other members, aren't they sleeping too? Shouldn't they have been woken up by the bell? I'm also curious to know more of Evian's reaction when he saw Luin from that window (though to be fair watching him wake up was very amusing). But I'm guessing we'd be seeing more of Evian in future chapters.
Another thing that popped into my mind as I was reviewing this was that you haven't told us much about the world this novel is set in. Maybe it's not the right time and the right place, but I'll just plant the idea into your head. Setting is important in fantasy because it gives the readers something to cling on, a place is important because it provides the context and atmosphere of where your character is. Just food for thought. TC like Goldie said is amazing for a first draft, so these notes you can keep for when you do come back and revisit it.
-Hir
Heya!
I'll just brush over the technical stuff quickly:
This can be unhyphenated (Link thingy on when to hyphenate compound words. The meat of the article is toward the end, and it's a bit general, but I found it helpful).
I think I mentioned this in an earlier review--the names span across a huge spectrum of consonants. "Ixister" and "Malkolm" and "Meka." I'd be fine with it as long as the names correspond to their specific regions, but I'm not receiving much of a pattern; the syllables feel like they were pulled out of a hat. The "k"s in sekrets and Inspektor are also a bit clunky, and I keep reading "engarvment" as a misspelling of "engraving."
They might just be placeholder names, but something small to think about when you're revising?
"To keep people out" is a bit redundant, as the reader receives it from "bolted." The narrator might've been trying to explain what engarvments were, but engarvments have been mentioned before and the introduction of them just feels out of place.
I'd recommend cutting down on some of the italicization; it can become aggressive and doesn't lend to the tone.
Same thing with the parentheses--they don't lend much to the tone. The humor doesn't have any purpose here, and the parentheses just snagged on the fluency.
A major shift in tone here. The sections that break the fourth wall tend to be a bit wavery.
I'm being nitpicky, but "banged" feels cleaner and easier to chew than "'BANG!'ed." Bang is just a common onomatopoeia in general, and there isn't a necessity for it be written in all-caps, even if the all-caps expresses emphasis.
...Typo? I'm probably just being ignorant, though, so feel free to ignore me. Erm.
Sheepishness indicates humility, but he was just throwing a tantrum in the last paragraph, like he possesses anger management issues. The change of mood felt a bit abrupt.
Another small inconsistency--an ellipsis used in conjunction with "stoutly."
I'd recommend an "s" after the apostrophe, just for rigid grammar correctnessness.
One thing that's definitely improved since the beginning--which also applies for the following chapters--is that the tone shifts have decreased and the style's become steadier. The plot, the characters, and writing really solidified, and I read this without realizing I was near the end until I got to the last word.
I don't have much to say, seeing as this piece mostly serves as an introduction to 3.2. I guess that the flickering between perspectives is confusing; I don't have the opportunity to get attached to any of the characters, and you might've fallen victim to the misconception that each perspective is longer than it actually is. But TC's amazing, and it's a first draft, and I shouldn't waste time babbling about structure. I love that you're spacing out the plot with character introductions and sub-conflicts.
Evian's a nice character, open with expressing irritation. There isn't much evidence of brainlessness here--his current of thought mirrors Elborn's and Malkolm's--but this piece made him neutral enough that he has the potential to be sculpted into anything.
I just have an issue with Inspektor Luin. He definitely mirrored Elborn and Malkolm, and it made me long for a non-comical character who wasn't fatuous, who wasn't so openly flawed. I think you're relying on the characters' roles in the novel to shape their development--characterization's a manual process, though; writing all of them as quirky is a watery substitute for catchphrases, distinct mannerisms, dialect, voice, etc. The character interactions also feel a bit stale, especially when the characters' personalities are hinged on them. Maybe switching perspectives less often? This might help open room for depth and for figuring out each characters' voice.
Sorry about the short and jagged review--I'm working on a bit of a time limit. Keep writing amazingness!
~Flame
Hallo, Pompsicles! More revewing, yay!
It had closed at dusk, for outsiders, but for the night-workers it had only been an hour since they retreated to their beds.
The doors were bolted and covered with engarvments to keep people out.
It was a sore on clear skin
Their leaves whispered sekrets.
Despite the creaking, and the sighing, and the whispering, Evian Threshold felt it was a quiet night.
Until the someone ceased rapping and ‘BANG!’ed at the door of the Local Relations Office with all the tenacity of a rogue rent.
Evian shifted uneasily . Door or no?he thought. No or door?
The face that made Evian queasy was currently contorted in rage.
So, today's review day, so let's get down to business, shall we?
You know the drill, nitpicks first.
Spoiler
That sentence is so convoluted, I read it at least five times. I think what you're saying is that it stays open later for night workers, but it's very confusing. Re-writing that sentence is your best bet.
Spoiler
I'm not sure I've heard of engarvments. Engravements, maybe?
Spoiler
It's rare that I ask you for more description... but more description. Dark, festering sore on pale, clear/ivory skin just sounds... more storybookish, which fits the tone you've set so far here.
Spoiler
Took me a bit to figure out that that was supposed to be secrets. I think italicising secrets is good enough.
Spoiler
No 'and' before 'the sighing', I think. It reads oddly.
Spoiler
The beginning is odd. Try '...until' or 'At least, until'.
Spoiler
Oh... oh, dear. Did your space bar attack you?
Spoiler
Rather than 'the face that made Evian queasy', try 'the latter'. Less wordy and repetitive.
End of nitpicks, hurrah!
Alright. Your pacing was fine, even though much didn't happen in this chapter. Your description of Evian's internal thought processes and the amazing foreshadowing made it feel almost short. (Yes, I know it's just part 1). I love the way you introduce Inspecktor Luin and Evian- very nice characterisation. Still, I think maybe you can describe somewhat less in this chapter. More dialogue- whether murmured aloud, to be a soliloquy, or to the inspectors, would be nice. Your balance is... rather off.
I think that you should perhaps make it more clear that this is a different place than both Arlene and Elborn are, since I wouldn't have caught that. It almost feels like Elborn and the rest are arriving in Syti, which certainly isn't it.
Talk to us more about what would happen to Evian if he were to be caught with the thing. I think his fear, inside, and deliberations, would provide more foreshadowing/mood than nearly the rest of your descriptions and your narrator speaking. Speaking of your narrator, excellent third person omniscient writing!
THE SINGING DOOR.
CHAPTER, CHAPTER, CHAPTER
~Rora
Hello, steampowered here for a review!
So first of all, while I’m enjoying the general style of this, it feels very Game of Thrones because of the constant chopping and changing of characters. I just feel like this is becoming confusing for me, and I can’t quite get into any character’s mindset (or at least when I manage it, I almost instantaneously find myself being yanked out again by the arrival of a new character) So yes, that’s probably my first real criticism of the novel as a whole. Too many characters each with their own “viewpoints” (viewpoints doesn’t seem to be quite the right word, but I’m sure you know what I mean!)
Hmm, Evian’s interesting. Evian Threshold – that’s quite a quirky name too. The only thing is… er… where I’m from Evian is a brand of spring water, so it sort of made me think of that. But anyway, I quite liked him, and I was rather amused by the impatience of the Inspektor. It’ll be interesting to read on and find out what’s going on!
Nitpick, but shouldn’t that be “who-KNEW-where-and-why”?
Another nitpick, but errr you seem to spell things unconventionally for the heck of it, and it grates slightly. I’d suggest you just leave odd spellings to people’s names, titles and places, and not give spelling fanatics like me a headache.
The singing door made me laugh. A lot. It doesn’t rhyme, but maybe that made it funnier.
So yes… I’m aware I’m probably being quite harsh, but like I said before all my original praise still stands, and yeah, if you never want to talk to me again after I’ve ripped all your work to shreds I understand. Er, one section left (for the moment) so I guess I’d better go and see if I can help shift it from the Green Room!
It was "an" exceptionally rude someone
That's all I got...gosh, I do not want to know what your stories are like when you do like them, because this would be one of my top notch jobs. Well, then, hmm, off to see if I can find more than two letters wrong with the next chapter.
-lau.