Tryal's Curse 1.1

by Pompadour

Published July 18, 2015

In Tryal's Curse--Novel~

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~2244 words


Chapter One:
A girl is lost




Everyone in the valley called it the Mountain.

It rose like a tooth, an incisor among other incisors, until its peak faded from view. The sun dipped over the sky, casting harsh shadows along the valley, as if the Mountain were a giant umbrella. By late afternoon, however, it would be a chunk of charcoal-black against a horizon that stretched out into forever.

The Mountain was, after all, a special mountain, and being a special mountain it had to look at least slightly intimidating. On the gentler slopes, tufts of grass and vegetation balanced the otherwise rocky topography. Clouds gathered like feathery nests along its crest. A red house was built into its side, a gleaming house with a ceramic-glazed roof and windows that were never washed unless it rained. But what made the Mountain special wasn’t simply its general mountain-like qualities, nor the red house that was carved into its side—because that is unimportant, when all’s said and done—but the man who was currently struggling up it. He was short and plump and had worn a receding hairline to work for the last decade.

This man, it can be gathered, was important, and not just because it has already been stated once that he was so. He was also, in fact, the proudest man in the Meare: a sweating, complaining, disgruntled heap of a man—but a proud one all the same.

His name was Elborn Radagel (although he would have happily told his name to anyone who asked, even if they happened to be a hooded figure with fangs whom he met on the street). And although he was a clever man, he wasn’t very wise. Anyhow, we are not here to dwell on Elborn’s faults. Rather, the story begins with his qualities, for of his faults we shall hear enough; but of his qualities he shall never let us hear the end anyway, so why bother resisting, eh?

Elborn Radagel was a remarkable man.

He also happened to be the village Meka, the man in charge of keeping the real world and the magical world intact. As such, he could claim with the utmost conviction that no one else in the Meare had seen or built as many odd things as he had. Wind-catchers, shoes that tied themselves, engarvments that surpassed those even the snobby city Mekas had discovered…. Oh yes, Elborn thought to himself proudly, any Ixister would be lucky to have him for a companion. He walked up the slope towards Kelm’s cottage, cloak flapping around his shoulders, and smiled as he saw the Ixister’s bright red roof burning in the haze of the afternoon sun. It was hot yet, although winter would soon set in, and Elborn felt in his bones that today would be a good day. The sun was shining. The sky was a clear blue, the kind that made Elborn think of the colour of his favourite waistcoat, and everyone else in the Meare think of the sea. From where he was now, he could see his village, the Meare, and it was a splendid sight, the wind-catchers he had erected standing tall against the strong mountain breeze.

And in his pockets was the message he was meant to deliver to the Ixister. Elborn patted at it and grinned. He was eager to get it to Ixister Kelm, because it was likely that the letter was almost as important as he was. And if that meant hiking up the mountain, Elborn thought, then so be it. He had seen and done worse, after all. And he began to list down his numerous talents once more, this time by way of song. (Note that not all of these assumed talents were necessarily true.)

‘Elborn Radagel, forty-two;
there’s a whole host of things that he can do.
From riding rentai to dragons, in a pinch,
he’ll read to you the markings on a red-crested winch.

Aha!’ And he clicked his heels together in glee.

Beaming, Elborn reached the end of the mountain path. He lifted himself up onto the slab of rock on which Kelm’s cottage stood, thinking happily of how pleased the Ixister would be. But as he raised his hands and took hold of the door-knocker—a large, brass creature—he gasped.

Even Elborn Radagel had never met an unfriendly door-knocker before.

‘Ouch!’ he said as it bit down on his hand, its sharp, bronze teeth piercing a hole in his gloves. Quickly, he retracted his hand and took a moment to glare at the offending creature. It glared back. Steeling himself, Elborn once more raised a hand towards the heavy, oak door—the injured one, because he had a feeling the door-knocker might try to bite him again.

It did. The creature snapped at his glove and tugged it off his hands, its onyx eyes glimmering. Elborn sputtered, outraged.

‘I like that glove!’ he said. ‘It’s what makes the other one useful.’ He held out a (bare) hand. ‘Give it back,’ he demanded.

The door-knocker obliged, and Elborn was disgusted when a soiled piece of leather made contact with his face, greasy and dripping with saliva. Gingerly, he peeled the glove from his forehead. It squelched.

‘Hello, Elborn Radagel forty-two,’ the doorknocker tittered, grinning at him with its sharp, gleaming teeth. ‘Would you like to knock?’

‘Indeed I would,’ said Elborn crabbily. ‘I’m here to see Kelm.’

‘I’m afraid Master Kelm is indisposed.’

‘Indisposed?’

‘Indisposed,’ the doorknocker affirmed.

‘I’m afraid,’ Elborn said, gnashing his teeth, ‘that I don’t entirely understand you. That probably isn’t your fault, though; you must be new. I’m the Meare’s Meka, and Ixister Kelm’s friend. The last door-knocker,’ he said bitingly, ‘would have told you as much. Nice fellow he was—opened the door the moment he saw me and never made any excuses not to.'

'And I'm afraid,' the door-knocker drawled, 'that the previous door-knocker is also indisposed. You'll just have to come back tomorrow.'

Elborn smiled tightly. ‘I have a letter that needs delivering. If you refuse to open the door, I will knock it down.’ The door-knocker scoffed and drew its long bronze wings closer to its snakelike body. Elborn cocked his head at the vile thing, trying to piece together exactly what kind of creature it was supposed to be. It looked nothing like the Rentai he had seen during the days of his apprenticeship, whilst working in the Meka mills down south. But what else could it be, with its narrow, sloping wings that extended the entire width of the door, and the rounded head? It stared at Elborn suspiciously, its mouth beaklike and half-open (as was the Rentai’s particular characteristic) although it made the door-knocker look like it was gawping at him. The Rent, Elborn knew, had many names. Flamehurler. Fierelord. Agchiel.

But right now its chief name was ‘Bloody-beast-that-won’t-open-the-door’.

Elborn thought the name fit perfectly, for such a clumsily hewn creature.

He kicked at the ground in front of him, wincing as clods of dirt hit the fancy brickwork. He wished his foot had instead made contact with the heavy oak door. More specifically, he wished he had exchanged his boots for one of Garnet’s heels before leaving the house, so that he could carve a hole in the wood. It was already rotting nearer the ground anyway. He’d be doing the Ixister a favour by destroying his door. Would that count as breaking and entering? Elborn thought, giving the now-yawning door-knocker his best glare.

Perhaps.

Did he even remotely care at this point?

No. But it didn’t matter anyway, he fretted. The Meare was at the foot of the mountain—a half day’s hike if you were quick on your feet and had enough provisions. Elborn had neither of those, nor was he of the temperament to return to the village for a dratted heeled boot with which to break down the door.

Improvise, Elborn, he told himself. You’re not village Meka for nothing.

‘Fine,’ he said to the door-knocker. It had started to doze off and opened its left eye.

‘Fine what?’ it asked blearily.

‘Fine, fine,’ Elborn said. ‘I’m leaving. Just let Kelm know—whenever he ceases to be indisposed—that I came by to deliver a letter from King Trent (which is a very important letter by the way, urging his immediate attention), and that it would do him good to get a new door-knocker.’ Haughtily, he adjusted the green-tasseled cap that had been slipping down his head, and turned his back towards the door. ‘Have a good day!’ he called over his shoulder. ‘I’ll be back in half a year so with the royal summons. The King won’t be half-pleased, as I said, but it can’t be helped.’ He bit back a smirk as he saw the door-knocker flap its bronze wings in agitation. Walking towards the edge of the slab, he looked back at the house, as if bidding it farewell. The unwashed windows seemed to leer at him, their sides stuck fast and impossible to open, and the red walls seemed orange in the afternoon haze.

Elborn raised his hand to his head in mock-salute, then swung his feet over the rocky slab and onto the path below. In his mind he composed a song, a marvel of devilish satire that revolved around door-knockers, but barely had he opened his mouth to sing that a powerful Force yanked at his feet. It was unlucky for Elborn, really, that his mouth had been open, because as he was pulled backwards he swallowed a clump of dirt. He was sure his cloak would be covered with grass stains. He groaned.

‘Elborn Radagel!’ he heard, over the whoosh of Ixistence magic and wind, and the tingling feeling of grass in his ears. This person sounded nothing like Kelm, who had a deep, throaty, rich voice unlike any that Elborn had ever heard. This voice was … different. It, too, was throaty, but it was not Kelm’s voice. Oh, no, thought Elborn. It was not Kelm’s voice at all.

He was dragged across the floor quite unceremoniously before being hurled in front of the red house once again. This time, Elborn raised his eyes not to meet with the onyx ones of the door-knocker, but the glittering blue ones of … someone else. Elborn’s pale eyes widened. It was a boy. He had yellow hair and a nasty smile. A silver cloak was thrown upon his shoulders, one that swept rather carelessly to his feet; both the boy and the cloak looked rather vain, in Elborn’s opinion.

‘You’re who?’ asked Elborn, straightening up and brushing the dust off his cuffs.

‘Ixister Malkolm,’ said the boy, still with the nasty smile. ‘I’m Ixister Kelm’s replacement.’

Elborn’s mouth fell open. ‘Replacement? This is the first I’ve heard—I mean—I’m the village Meka, why did Kelm not tell me himself? And when did this happen?’ he demanded, jumping to his feet.

‘Fifteen minutes ago,’ said Malkolm easily. ‘I understand you came here to deliver a letter, Elborn Radagel?’ He stretched out a pale—but badly scarred—hand. ‘As Kelm is currently unavailable, I think it belongs to me now.’

Elborn’s fists tightened. He drew himself to his full height, which was still only three-quarters that of the boy, and spoke in clipped tones: ‘It is Ixister Kelm’s letter. No one else’s. I am here to deliver it to Kelm or to no one at all. And let me remind you, boy,’ he said indignantly, ‘that I am the village Meka and ought to be treated with more resp—’

Malkolm waved a hand and Elborn’s mouth filled with feathers. He coughed and hacked and tried not to swallow. The Ixister smirked.

‘If it is Kelm the letter belongs to, then you should probably get it to him, shouldn’t you?’ He placed a hand on the doorframe, his tall figure blocking any entrance Elborn would have had to the house. Inside, it was dark; the bricks were not glowing as they usually were in their ethereal state, nor were the lyte-fixtures turned on. Elborn wondered how Malkolm had walked down the hall in that kind of darkness, although, he admitted to himself glumly, there were plenty of things that he still didn’t know about Ixisters. Like where Kelm had disappeared to, for instance.

‘I’m meant to—delivering—’ He pulled a handful of feathers from his mouth, accidentally swallowing one in the process. ‘Ugh. If you could tell—me—’ he lisped, ‘where Kelm is, maybe I co—ould. Bud as far as I know, an Ixister is meand to serve an endire lifetime in one place. So unless he’s dyind, or seriously ill, I can’t see why…’

Malkolm waved his hand again. This time, a small bird sat on Elborn’s tongue. He spat it out and glared at Malkolm. The Ixister's face was impassive as he surveyed Elborn curiously; he nodded at him. Leaning down until he was level with the Meka, Malkolm said, ‘Come with me.’ Three precise words, uttered with the utmost precision. He was not lying. 

Another thing Elborn had learnt at the mills was this: A true Ixister cannot lie. 

With a flourish, Malkolm turned and walked into the house, silver cloak billowing around him in a non-existent wind. The walls along the hall began to gleam.

Elborn followed. The door shut behind him with a snap, causing him to fall inside rather ungracefully.

Behind him, he swore he heard the door-knocker titter.

Comments & reviews · 11
User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · Feb 28, 2016

Boy is this gonna be weird... I'll try not to cheat and lean on my knowledge from later chapters!

Specifics

1.

He was short and plump and had worn a receding hairline to work for the last decade.
I'm not sure about the last part of this description. Until now the picture is very rural but somehow the phrase 'to work' suggests something industrial and city like. If it was 'to the fields' or 'to the blacksmith's forge' then I'd think nothing of it but work conjures up my own work-place.

2.
This man, it can be gathered, was important, and not just because it has already been stated once that he was so. He was also, in fact, the proudest man in the Meare: a sweating, complaining, disgruntled heap of a man—but a proud one all the same.
I don't like the first sentence - it feels too repetitive and in the reader's face. The first time you told us he was important was clever because you had that huge description of the Mountain and then told us that this one small man was more important than any of that. Having this line spoils it.

3.
His name was Elborn Radagel (although he would have happily told his name to anyone who asked, even if they happened to be a hooded figure with fangs whom he met on the street).
I'm not sure about this line. I can get that you're trying to hint he doesn't act important despite being important but some important people love to tell others their name and as a general thing, names aren't something which people try to keep secret? Yet the phrasing seems to suggest they should be.

4.
The sky was a clear blue, the kind that made Elborn think of the colour of his favourite waistcoat, and everyone else in the Meare think of the sea.
Love this line! It adds good description and characterisation, all rolled up into one neat bundle.

5.
And in his pockets was the message he was meant to deliver to the Ixister. Elborn patted at it and grinned. He was eager to get it to Ixister Kelm, because it was likely that the letter was almost as important as he was. And if that meant hiking up the mountain, Elborn thought, then so be it. He had seen and done worse, after all. And he began to list down his numerous talents once more, this time by way of song. (Note that not all of these assumed talents were necessarily true.)
I don't like the side note at the end of this paragraph. I'm also wondering at what point in the novel the narrator's tone changed from being heavily colloquial to the more observational tone which is later. But I'm also pretending I don't know that.

6.
Beaming, Elborn reached the end of the mountain path. He lifted himself up onto the slab of rock on which Kelm’s cottage stood, thinking happily of how pleased the Ixister would be. But as he raised his hands and took hold of the door-knocker—a large, brass creature—he gasped.
What kind of creature? If it's something he hasn't seen before perhaps beast would work better? That also gives a more negative connotation. Nevermind - looks like there's plenty of description of it now xD I like the door knocker's dialogue - very fun.

Overall

I love Malkolm's introduction at the end, though I wonder if Elborn's observation that Ixisters can't lie should come earlier. Like at the part when Mal says he's Kelm's replacement. That would be the first point when the reader might question if this boy is lying and a good time to set them straight.

Generally it's a pretty fluid chapter. I think Elborn is maybe a little less indignant than he should be when talking to the Ixister but at the same time the kid's got magic so I guess even the proudest of people would know when they've run out of luck. Either way, it was fun to see him humbled but I'm also not cheering for Malkolm. This means I don'e like either of the characters you've introduced yet but I liked the door knocker and enjoyed the tone of the chapter so I'd be willing to read on for now. Eventually there needs to be a character I like (by which I mean a character I would not want to suffer) and I'll try and judge if the book goes too far without that happening later.

All the best,

~Heather

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BluesClues
Review
BluesClues wrote a review Review · Jan 31, 2016

Okay, so I love the talking door knocker. Not least because the conversation between Elborn and the door knocker reminds me of the Fairyland books by Catherynne M. Valente. (They are fabulous and if you haven't read them I recommend doing so.)

The main thing I had an issue with was Elborn's characterization. It seemed inconsistent, mainly because of this line.

He was also, in fact, the proudest man in the Meare: a sweating, complaining, disgruntled heap of a man—but a proud one all the same.


So here we have that he is a sweating, complaining, disgruntled man. Which we could take one of two ways.

1. Since it's almost the first thing we're told about him (other than that he's proud), we could take it to mean he's this way in general, which is how I initially took it.

2. Since he's walking up a mountain, we could take it to mean that he's sweating, complaining, and disgruntled at this moment in time.

Either way, it kind of clashes with how happy he seems to be as he's hiking up the mountain, singing, beaming, etc. Because if he's a grumpy sort in general, he should probably be grumpy about hiking up a mountain. If he's grumpy because he's hiking up the mountain...he's already grumpy, so what's with the singing and clicking his heels together and such?

It felt better once he was arguing with the door knocker, because that seemed to fit.

So suggestions:

1. Cut the line about him being a sweating, complaining, disgruntled heap of a man.

2. Keep that line but cut him singing and beaming and grinning and otherwise looking perfectly content with the world.

3. Keep that line and the singing but cut the smiling and beaming, and maybe show that he's singing to try and cheer himself up/make the journey go faster/because it just makes him feel better to think about how marvelous he is (which fits with him being super-proud).

That's all I've got for you! I enjoyed reading it. I may or may not read further, but we shall see. I just loved the argument with the door knocker so much.

Blue

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Apricity
Comment
Apricity commented Comment · Nov 12, 2015

I'm going to leave a comment here to show that I'm going to stalk Tryal again but due to amount of reviews you've received on this chapter, I don't think I have much else to say. <3

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Persistence
Review
Persistence wrote a review Review · Sep 15, 2015

Hey, Pompadour!

I must say, I enjoyed the entire length of this! I have seen parts of later chapters, so I know that you like to stretch out the plot and add tons of descriptions. In 1.1, however, in addition to the copious description, you have a steadily progressing plot. Maybe this is because you describe the scene gradually as Elborn does certain actions, thus ensuring that it is a visually stimulating experience. I am almost always against heavy description, but here you have drawn really close to a balance between it and action.

The worldbuilding is done through narration, as opposed to dialogue, but it is not an information dump, so it makes for an easy read. Perhaps it started a bit slowly, but it gains a good pace later on.

The three characters are well-written, one could clearly notice the differing patters in their behaviour, and I think that having a diverse palette of characters is what we all strive to achieve.

The ending (final sentence) was great, really. Very cinematic. Probably something that could serve as an example for how most scenes should be ended.

My only regret for this part of this chapter is that I did not read it sooner. I hope this review helps with further chapters. Keep up the great work!

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GoldFlame
Review
GoldFlame wrote a review Review · Sep 3, 2015

Heya! Sorry about the lateness. >.>

(Fantasy's a bit out of my comfort zone, so there may be some general obtuseness or an inability to articulate thoughts--feel free to correct me on stuff and things.)

Everyone in the valley called it the Mountain.


It's like those scenery shots of New Zealand in LOTR, where the Fellowship is trekking through mountains or riding horses or observing the landscape from a cliff; they're completely pointless other than to provide filler. And I understand you want to establish the setting, but the narrator's dramatic single-sentence paragraph--Everyone in the valley called it the Mountain--doesn't lock in with the fact that the rest of the piece is primarily character introductions.

Even LOTR spends the majority of its energy on worldbuilding, where the characters serve as the audience's windows into Middle Earth. I'm gathering this doesn't, and I'd recommend decreasing the sensory detail and setting a tone correspondent with the rest of the piece; I'd love for Elborn to steal the first paragraph, especially.

Fluency:

1) The narrator starts off with "everyone" but neglects to identify who "everyone" includes. Instead, they discuss the Mountain and the sky and a house built into its side and then shift the focus to a solitary individual. We know the Mountain's magnificent and breathtaking, but why's it specifically called "the Mountain"? And who's "everyone"?

1.5) That description of the house is perfection. Unwashed windows <3

2) Single-sentence paragraphs give a really strong effect, and I'd recommend combining them with other paragraphs when possible--minimize to maximize.

3) You've been popping iotas of humor into the mountain description, but it's full-blown humor when it comes to Elborn. You also had this ... not necessarily YA, somewhat non-romance romantic feel to the first paragraphs, and Elborn's intro possesses the tone of a fairy tale; then after that, the piece is lighthearted and targets character interactions. It all feels very jumbled.

Watch out for the interjectory/parenthetical/slices-into-the-middle-of-a-thought phrases; they fluctuate. They're also key to identifying the tone shifts.

3.5) The story jumps from one thing to the next without addressing the previous thought: everyone, mountain, plump man. The reader keeps having to restructure their thoughts to accommodate.

4) (I'm cringing saying this because Elborn is awesome but) His opening description doesn't intrigue me. It reads as that typical quirky, foolish character. Maybe if the narrator focused on smaller details, as opposed to generic things like hair and body frame--not that the intro should lean towards physical appearance, because I'm happy with the amount of emphasis you put on that.

And regarding his name--it's a bit difficult to swallow, with the abundance of consonants. The letters tend to bounce around in your mouth.

I noticed a general lack of monosyllabic names, or names that don't possess unique consonants:
- Elborn Radagel
- Ixister Kelm
- Ixister Malkolm
It prevents them from developing a rhythm, which is crucial for names to stick in the reader's mind; people don't think Harry Potter when they say Harry Potter. Or, um. (I can't write today. >.>) My eyes also had a bit of confusion with Meka and Meare, but maybe that's just because I've been staring into blue light for a long time.

6) When a character's foolish, he/she is usually written as a minor character and provides comic relief; establishing their foolishness before their intelligence is a huge mistake, because it can make us discount his intelligence.

Also, show dominates over tell; the foolishness is both shown and told, while the intelligence is only told. Elborn read a lot like a minor comic relief character and I had to work to remember that he was clever and important.

5) There's a lot of breaking the fourth wall, and it feels unnecessary, like it exists for the sake of existing. Breaking a wall within breaking the fourth wall--the reader's torn out of the narration for no justifiable reason.

—because that is unimportant, when all’s said and done—


This is when the tone first began to shift.

Anyhow, we are not here to dwell on Elborn’s faults. Rather, the story begins with his qualities, for of his faults we shall hear enough; but of his qualities he shall never let us hear the end anyway, so why bother resisting, eh?


More tone-shifting, more breaking the fourth wall and spiking up the story's progression. We never really receive evidence of this statement, either; the narrator's implying that he's an egocentric and likes to boast, but he just seems very Bogden/Arthur Dent/Arthur Weasley/Bilbo-ish in the rest of the chapter, foolish and kind and humble (aside from the song).

Elborn patted at it and grinned.


Maybe the narrator intended comical undertones, but this action just seems really cued and precisely located.

The backstory's also starting to feel like an info-dump at this point, becoming a bit tedious to read. Maybe clipping some sentences and breaking the paragraphs into smaller pieces?

‘Elborn Radagel, forty-two;

there’s a whole host of things that he can do.

From riding rentai to dragons, in a pinch,

he’ll read to you the markings on a red-crested winch.

Aha!’
And he clicked his heels together in glee.


This threw me off, mostly because of the tone shift, and the fact that it didn't seem to lend much besides try to establish Elborn's character. (I'm finding it difficult to elaborate and emphasize my point, because of my writer's block, but the tone shifts were a huge recurring issue and I'd definitely recommend restructuring a few sentences and paragraphs, playing around with phrasing.)

Nitpickish stuff: Something in the second line that interrupts the rhythm--maybe clipping "there"? I'd also recommend replacing "he'll" with "he can" in the fourth line, to highlight that we're discussing his capabilities.

It kind of reminds me of His eyes are as green as a fresh-pickled toad. XD And I kept thinking of Yubaba and The Monsters Book of Monsters at the doorknob scene.

He held out a (bare) hand.


I understand the meaning behind the parentheses--the humor they contribute--but they still feel a bit excessive.

‘Indisposed,’ the doorknocker affirmed.


This conversation is just <333 I need to frame it. The chemistry between Elborn and the doorknocker is beautiful.

(I just noticed this, though: you hyphenated doorknocker in some places and didn't in others.)

I've noticed the narrator keeps trying to slice in reflections, though, in random places just to maintain dialogue fluency. Like Elborn wondering what the door-knocker was. It feels very awkward and abrupt, out of nowhere. More tone shifts.

And he gained a really Bilbo-esque tone here: "Good day!", "I'm afraid I don't entirely understand you", and bits like that. I kept reading it in Martin Freeman's voice.

King Trent


This was probably a weird coincidence, but King Trent's a secondary character in the Xanth series. (I squealed when I saw his name; he was one of my favorite characters. Although the series has been getting progressively weirder and more wrong ... and I stopped at the seventh book. I dunno if I should recommend it to you. XD)

A silver cloak was thrown upon his shoulders, one that swept rather carelessly to his feet; both the boy and the cloak looked rather vain, in Elborn’s opinion.


Malkolm is officially my favorite literary character. Yes. Just keep a watch out for passive voice and redundancy; the word "rather" was repeated.

Moving on, I like how this chapter's laid out. We're introduced to Elborn and the spotlight doesn't stray from him; exits ensue entrances so that the story's cut in bite-sized pieces. And your writing's amazing, as always. I love how the dialogue tags were distributed, especially. There's a bit of blurring between the characters' voices, but writing distinctively in first chapters is difficult--as long as the reader's able to distinguish the characters.

Your style's so fluiddd. The sentences just really wove together well; I can't seem to stress that enough with your works. (And sorry about this review's shortness/harshness/choppiness--I made the mistake of trying to write words after I'd just returned from school. This piece was such a wonderful read. <3)

Submit Chapter 4 soon!
~Flame

<3 You are fabulous.

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steampowered
Review
steampowered wrote a review Review · Sep 3, 2015

Hello Pompadour, steampowered here! I bring you one shiny review, as promised. (I was originally going to just read this and only review the chapters that are currently stuck in the Green Room, but then thought, why don’t I review this as well?)

So I read this through, and wow. Just wow. I’ve read some amazing things on YWS just today, which is starting to make me doubt my own writerly abilities somewhat… Anyway, I loved it and I’m really not just saying that. It was humorous, it was creative, it was quirky, it was fabulous. And the only thing that’s stopping me from reading the other chapters straight away is that I really ought to slow down and review, so here goes. :D

It might be quite difficult for me to criticise this since I enjoyed reading it so much, but I can definitely tell you what you’re doing right. Your descriptions are fantastic, your characters are compelling and you have a marvellous writing style that instantly got me hooked. The only thing I wasn’t so keen on with regards to your writing style is the number of narrative inserts such as those in parentheses or between dashes. It makes it kind of quirky and humorous, but it also jars somewhat. I’d suggest you use this in moderation. :D

Also, you have some great worldbuilding going on here and Malkolm is brilliantly nasty. I’d better stop rambling and crack on with a few little nitpicks I noticed, since I couldn’t see anything wrong with the plot:

This time, a small bird sat on Elborn’s tongue.


Is this literally a small bird or is it a figure of speech? Did he really have a bird in there, or did Malkolm just conjure rather more feathers than before? I’m assuming it’s the former, but I was slightly confused.

Malkolm said, ‘Come with me.’ Three precise words, uttered with the utmost precision. He was not lying.


I might sound stupid for saying this, but this doesn’t seem like something that could be a lie. Do you mean, he didn’t have some ulterior motive in mind, or that he could be trusted?

Um, and that’s all I seemed to pick up on. Hopefully this review was of some help (yes, I know. I’m late to the party) and I am really looking forward to reading on. Keep writing! :D

TheCrimsonLady wrote a review Review · Jul 29, 2015

Hey, Pomp!

Finally, I've gotten around to reviewing this. *I'll get to chapter two, I promise*
So, let's start on what I believe will be a very, very long review!

I love your opening line. It's dramatic, captures the reader, and the description after that is magnificent.

The first thing- other than your opening line- that hit me was the style of the narration, and I must say, it has the perfect balance of children's book-y and mysterious to be the perfect fantasy narrator. Even though 3rd person omniscient narration isn't very popular anymore, I think it goes magnificently with the tone you've created.

A few sentences I thought could be improved, though not all- or even, perhaps, any- are grammatically incorrect:

A red house was built into its side, a gleaming house with a ceramic-glazed roof and windows that were never washed unless it rained.

Using the word 'house' twice in one sentence reads a bit oddly, somehow. Maybe just remove 'a' and 'house'. I have a sneaking suspicion you added the independent clause later or put together two sentences...

Tell me, what exactly are engarvments? That confused me, since I thought you meant engravements, but... I'm not sure even that's a word.

The sky was a clear blue, the kind that made Elborn think of the colour of his favourite waistcoat, and everyone else in the Meare think of the sea.

The second think, I think, can be avoided to make the sentence flow better. Indeed, you could ever consider cutting out the phrase 'in the Meare'.

You’re not village Meka for nothing.

Alright, what confused me here was that when you talk about the Ixister, it's the Ixister, not Ixister. And Meka, I feel, should have the same rule, so consider adding a 'the' before 'village' in the above sentence.

Just let Kelm know—whenever he ceases to be indisposed—that I came by to deliver a letter from King Trent (which is a very important letter by the way, urging his immediate attention), and that it would do him good to get a new door-knocker.

The part in the parentheses, if it is being said, should not be in parentheses. Asides are alright for the narrator, but not the characters, in my experience.

In his mind he composed a song, a marvel of devilish satire that revolved around door-knockers, but barely had he opened his mouth to sing that a powerful Force yanked at his feet.

While (the second time) 'that' may have been used as such a few centuries ago, it seems too outdated in it's usage here. It only serves to confuse your reader- perhaps replace it with 'when'.

It was unlucky for Elborn, really, that his mouth had been open, because as he was pulled backwards he swallowed a clump of dirt.

A comma after 'backwards', love.

He groaned.

Unnecessary, short, and choppy. Perhaps removing would be best?

Behind him, he swore he heard the door-knocker titter.

Ah, you had everything until your very last word. To me, 'titter' connotates uppity nobles, embarrassed teenage girls, and the like. The door knocker strikes me as decidedly different from that. Perhaps choose a verb like cackle, or chuckle, snicker.

End of my nitpickiness. You made it! Onto characterisation.

As far as Elborn goes, the narrator seems amused and sympathetic enough with him that you get- I think- the perfect image of a jolly, rather self-involved- middle-aged man across. Phrases like 'marvel of devilish satire' coming from the narrator perfectly define Elborn. You make him likable, and quirky, and a well-rounded character in a matter of sentences. *applauds*

I also liked reading the small part at the end with Ixister Malcolm. I'm not too inclined to dislike him- he makes me laugh, instead. Your description of him as a boy makes me think of him more as quick-tempered and a teensy bit overusing of his power (my grammar there...), and let's face it, Elborn is annoying- in a good way, of course.

You draw the reader in perfectly to this world with your heightened description at the beginning and a little more throughout. Your imagery, as I've mentioned before, is fantastic, although I do wish you would describe the inside of the Ixister's house a bit more, too. It's the only part that goes mostly undescribed. Yes, Elborn isn't really concentrating, but he isn't your narrator, is he? *is jealous of descriptive abilities* Your introductions of everything are great, and I wasn't confused at all, ever.

Finally, at the very beginning, you throw in one line where the narrator breaks the fourth wall and speaks to the audience/reader directly, in the present tense.
But what made the Mountain special wasn’t simply its general mountain-like qualities, nor the red house that was carved into its side—because that is unimportant, when all’s said and done—but the man who was currently struggling up it.

I love it. I think it's perfect, but I could only find one such instance in this entire chapter, and if you're going to break the fourth wall once- and especially so early in the chapter- maintain it. Try doing it again when Elborn meets the new Ixister, maybe.

Your plot, finally, is going lovely. Great opening line (as I've said three times previous), and great ending, too! It's at that place where it's not quite dramatic enough to be called a cliffhanger exactly, but is still dramatic enough to make me want to keep reading. Overall, a lovely chapter, with very few problems to it.

Best of luck (and I look forward to seeing this week's chapter).
~Anne

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elcuidador
Review
elcuidador wrote a review Review · Jul 26, 2015

an incisor among other incisors
Teeth are paired in one's mouth, comparing one to it's pair would be a stronger comparison in my opinion, but to compare it 'among other incisors'.. It just doesn't work for me, comparisons are meant to be simple and straightforward unless your intention was the opposite.
casting harsh shadows
'harsh' shadows? I do not like this word choice, but then again, you're the author. Do you mean solid/black shadows or harsh being long-stretched? It's vague.
feathery nests
I like this.
A red house was built into its side, a gleaming house with a ceramic-glazed roof and windows that were never washed unless it rained.
House is mentioned twice in this sentence unnecessarily. If it was a 'gleaming' house, is that because of the ceramic glazed roof? Having very dirty/dusty windows should make the house look anything but gleaming.
because that is unimportant
Replacing unimportant with insignificant would sound much better.
He was short and plump and had worn
'He was short, plump and had worn' I'm not sure if this is on purpose but too many 'and's.
and not just because it has already been stated once that he was so.
Was this stated before? It's either I missed the prologue or missing something completely different.
His name was Elborn Radagel (although he would have happily told his name to anyone who asked, even if they happened to be a hooded figure with fangs whom he met on the street)
The 'although', to be frank, makes no sense in this sentence. "Although Elborn said this, he did not really mean it." Action and something to contradict the action.
but of his qualities he shall never let us hear the end anyway
After reading this sentence and then read 'Elborn Radafel was a remarkable man' makes me think that the narrator is Elborn himself, if this is unintentional, I suggest a rephrase.
Wind-catchers
I suggest you add a sentence somewhere in the paragraph explaining what wind-catchers are for those readers who do not know. 'shoes that can tie themselves' sounds very magical and led me to thinking those wind-catchers we're normal either considering Elborn was into very odd stuff. Others that understood the term would actually like to read about it, just to get the author's view on it.
It was hot yet, although winter would soon set in, and Elborn felt in his bones that today would be a good day
This sentence seems jumbled up to me, I think deleting the 'and' before Elborn would fix it, that might not be what you're trying to say though, so a rewrite would be preferred.
And in his pockets was the message
Starting a sentence with 'And' can sometimes work, but a paragraph? I do not think that works properly, I feel left in the dark, as if something happened and I did not notice. You maybe trying to make the reader feel this on purpose, if so, clever.
Even Elborn Radagel had never met an unfriendly door-knocker before.
I like this, made me smile.
and towards the heavy, oak door—the injured one,
Injured? I thought it was just a pierced glove, maybe mention blood in the previous sentence.
He’d be doing the Ixister a favour by destroying his door. Would that count as breaking and entering?
'He'd' He would. Narration is so much nicer when it's formally written. 'Breaking and entering' is such a modern phrase, it does not really fit a world where magical creatures are used as door-bell.
It had started to doze off and opened its left eye.
It dozed off? Mid-conversation? Or was that an equivalent to a sigh, or are those creatures just very tired? This is confusing... Or am I just asking too many questions?
pale eyes widened. It was a boy. He had yellow hair and a nasty smile.
Pale eyes? Yellow hair? Pale as in color or emotions? And how about blond hair instead of yellow?
silver cloak billowing around him in a non-existent wind. The walls along the hall began to gleam.
I know this is part of the narration but, is the silver cape what made the walls gleam because of the reflected sun-rays coming in through the open doorway? Isn't it too hard for Elborn to even notice these details? Did he even notice it? If so, mentioning this would be nice.

Above are all the nitpicks I thought were worth pointing out. There are little to no grammatical mistakes and that's nice to see on here once in a while. I have ignored the format because I have seen you mention in a reply to a previous review that you're using 'British' format which, sadly, I am not familiar with. Your style of writing started off one way and progressed another, I honestly preferred the latter style. It seemed to fit together very well and keep the reader more engaged with what's going on in the story. The beginning though was somewhat choppy because I personally did not enjoy some of the word choice, lack of surrounding (nature, environment) descriptions, and the teenage-style-narration.

You seem to be deeply in love with 'and's and 'but's to start off your sentences. It works for a while, it's nice to keep add that type of sentence before the end of something, to further the suspense but you'd just overdid it ten too many times, literally. I did not point them because I was hoping you meant to do this to creature this childish vibe throughout the story, but if not, you should seriously reread this a loud because it would help understand what I mean.

The story itself was interesting. I felt in the dark from the start till mid-way through the story because it had little descriptive language in what are important factors of the story, such as the door-knocker and the MC himself kept my imagination limited. I very much enjoyed Malkolm as a character and I think you portrayed him in a great way, I cannot say the same about your MC though.

All in all, this was a tough read at first because of your writing style and unappealing descriptions but as the story kicked off, it got easier to read and tag along with. I normally notice people start off very well and tend to decline as the story progresses but in your case, it's the complete opposite. Thanks for asking me to review this, I needed to get back in the game. Good luck with the rest of this tale, I look forward to checking out more of it in due time.

-Ahmed

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Virgil
Review
Virgil wrote a review Review · Jul 26, 2015

I'm already hooked by the first sentence, mind you, I review while I read in chunks. The first paragraph is just, really well done, it makes me want to read so much more, I devoured the descriptions in the first paragraph.

I just already love the descriptions you give me, you give me descriptions I want to read, it doesn't even feel over-described, and, this is a lot of description, which I usually would want to skip over, but I just want to read it all because it paints a picture in my mind.

I love the way the man is described in the beginning, it isn't like, "The man had barely any hair, his name was blah blah blah." Rather, it gives me a taste of your writing style.

And I see magic, yay!

I do need to point out, the paragraphs are rather long, which makes it harder to read, like, when, " He walked up the slope towards Kelm’s cottage, cloak flapping around his shoulders, and smiled as he saw the Ixister’s bright red roof burning in the haze of the afternoon sun."

Like here, you could have made a new paragraph at he, but I have to point out some things other than the greatness, otherwise it wouldn't be a review.

‘I like that glove!’ he said. ‘It’s what makes the other one useful.’ He held out a (bare) hand. ‘Give it back,’ he demanded.

I love this line, it made me laugh out loud, which rarely happens, but, just because he talks about making the other one useful made me laugh for some reason. Being humorous is hard in writing, props to you!

There are some grammar errors that I see, but I don't feel like pointing them all out, I dunno.

The doorknocker is just, fun to read, it's unique so far.

I wonder how old Malkom is, just a young boy or is he older?

I don't like the cliffhanger.

In all, I love your descriptions and the characters are unique, the concept is fun so far, I like the story, I hope my review wasn't too painful!

Malkolm is pretty young for an Ixister. I haven't decided on his age myself, so let's just say he's somewhere in his late teens.

Thanks for reviewing~

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Apricity
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Apricity commented Comment · Jul 20, 2015

Please remind me until I review.

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ThatAndalite
Review
ThatAndalite wrote a review Review · Jul 18, 2015

Ugh, such a cliffhanger - I want to know more! ;_; But it was amazing. I loved your writing style, but one thing bugged me - why were you using apostrophes instead of quotes for speech? Other than that, it was y'know, amazing. I loved the grip of the text, and the draw of each of the words. I loved the humor involved and the involvement of Elborn. The characters are each so unique, too - I can't even begin to rant about them!

Thank you for your thoughts! :D

(The apostrophes are actually single quotation marks: I'm using British format. ^^)



And on the pedestal these words appear:/'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;/Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'/Nothing beside remains.
— Percy Bysshe Shelley