~1978 words
~*~
Let
it be clarified here and now: a hungry wabbit is anything but comical-looking.
This one, in particular, was especially
not
comical-looking. Its tongue lolled
around, licking the cold night air. Spittle dripped down its chin.
A wabbit is a creature of the night, Arlene remembered. It is six feet tall when standing at its full height and will chase its victim until they either die of exhaustion, or are tired
enough to be caught.
The swirly writing from her school Texts swam before
her eyes. Vainly, she attempted to suppress the information, but it rose like a
tide and seared at the forefront of her brain, until she found herself silently
mouthing the words:
Wabbits are incredibly common in Northern
Adreitus, and widely feared.
A wabbit is easy enough to identify, with
its long, ribbon-like ears and coat of mucous across its hard shell. Its eyes
are razor sharp, large and black, and its teeth are even more so. Hare-lipped,
wabbits are known for slicing through their prey with their poisonous fangs
(which have been described by the renowned Seretian poet, Robart, as: ‘pitch
blacke night in colouring and darker even in what they reap; they cast me, in
what may, forever fitful sleep’).
Arlene had never hated her incredibly good memory as much as she did then.
Words swam across her brain, swamping her, swallowing her whole. She could feel
another scream rising in her throat, shrill and sharp, like a kettle that has
begun to screech after being left on the stove for too long. Her lungs caught
on fire. Fear ballooned in her chest: a strange kind of fear, the kind that
mingled with excitement—excitement?—and
panic. Arlene would have inspected
this odd feeling with more vigour, had it not been for the fact that she was
firmly rooted to her spot, paralysed.
It is advised for one to never directly
instigate a wabbit. If, however, unforeseen circumstance arises, one must not
panic.
‘One must not panic,’ Arlene recited to herself. ‘Not panic, not
panic—don’t panic.’ She raked in a deep breath as Prince and the wabbit ran
full throttle up the slope towards her. ‘Don’t … panic,’ she said, her vision
beginning to swim.
It is a sad truth to accept, but accepted it must be that Arlene Randerfort,
although especially bright, and especially level-headed, panicked in this
rather trying situation. It was not something that occurred very often, because
Arlene always found a way out of problems, but the issue appeared to lie within
the fact that she was entirely too scared to think. The wabbit was hurtling towards her at a speed of something
fast, and her senses were all abuzz and aflame and a million other things that
could not be conjured into words, but streamed into a singleness that
overpowered her every action. Her mouth sagged open, but Prince was fast
approaching her, fists bobbing up and down as he ran, like boats on troubled
waters. He grabbed her by the wrist and spun her around. Arlene stumbled. Unperturbed, Prince dragged her along with
him while her feet struggled so as not to trip over themselves.
‘Run!’ Prince cried again, exasperated. ‘Get your head on the right way and run!’ He continued dragging Arlene along
and she obliged, skittering behind him and—
He stopped at the edge of the wabbit hole Arlene had just climbed out of. He attempted
to side-step it.
Arlene crashed into his back.
They fell.
Later on, Arlene would find herself cursing this moment, not simply because it
was so very vivid, but because it involved falling very hard on the ground. It
also involved an uncomfortable tangling and untangling of arms and legs, and
backing up against the wall of the wabbit hole, and harried breaths as the
unfortunate pair realised they could very well be killed. This realisation was
not a new one, by any means, but it seemed to weigh more heavily on them as a
pair of glittering eyes peered at them in the darkness.
The wabbit appeared to cackle, a high-pitched, broken noise escaping from its
wide mouth. Up close, it was terrifying, even more terrifying than the clumsy
illustrations and blurry Hollusions Arlene had seen at school. The air around
her seemed to heat up alarmingly; her nails dug into Prince’s arm. She looked
at him, knowing his expression and her’s were very much the same at that
moment: wide-eyed, pale, and breathless.
‘Do something,’ she whispered. The wabbit was sniffing the air, its cord-like
ears slapping the edges of the hole. Slowly, it began to paw its way into the
hole, its sticky feet gripping onto the slimy walls in the most disgusting
fashion.
‘What?’ Prince gasped, cheeks burning like red beacons in the dark—no doubt
from all the running. ‘It’s been—chasing me—can’t—do what?’
‘Sword, you
idiot, sword,’ Arlene
said, slightly more able to string together a coherent sentence. She wondered
for a second where Prince had gotten the sword from, but dismissed the thought
almost immediately. Now was not the time for such ponderings. Prince sucked in
a deep breath and reached for the sword. His sweaty fingers slipped on the
guard and he cursed, tugging at it harder
‘Hurry,’ Arlene hissed, her dark eyes
focussing intently on the wabbit’s progress.
The
wabbit, upon cornering its prey, will slow down as it chooses a path of attack.
Researchers argue that wabbits do this as to intimidate their prey, although
this could also simply act as a form of entertainment for them—
‘Yeah, Arl, I get that, thanks,’ Prince snapped. ‘Not the time to spew your
vast knowledge at me.’ Arlene stopped talking abruptly—she hadn’t realised
she’d been speaking. ‘I—ugh, I can’t get this sword!’ Prince said, rubbing his
hands furiously on his fleecy tunic. 'Akiel,'
he swore, ‘it’s close—akiel.’ He fumbled with his belt. ‘It’s
jammed—jammed in the ... scabbard—we’re
going to die, bloody heck, we’re going to die—Arlene—’
‘Shut up!’ In the darkness, Prince’s amber eyes were like copper coins—and,
Arlene thought, they looked as though they were about to fall out of his skull
any second now. Quickly, she pulled Prince to his feet and backed into the
corner farthest from the hulking wabbit. Her shoulders pressed hard against the
slimy wall, its solid surface anything but reassuring. She hoped the wabbit’s
large, heavy paws would not land on one of the boots she’d stuck into the wall—they
were the only way they could climb out of the hole … if they lived.
No, don’t think that way, Arlene, she thought, shaking her head. Her eyes
followed the wabbit as it stepped completely into the hole, taking up at least
half of it. Not daring to breathe, Arlene gripped Prince’s hand tightly. He
winced. Seconds ticked by, and Arlene’s grip on his hand grew firmer, until she
felt she had cut off the circulation in Prince’s entire arm. His face was
pallid and green, his hand once more fiddling with the sword belt. Arlene
pushed her hand past his and curled her fingers tightly around the grip of the sword.
She waited until the wabbit had ceased sniffing at the air, its ears gripping
the sides of its already wide mouth. Its fangs gleamed at them like a
lamplight. It edged closer, until every shaky breath that Arlene took was hot
and stank of manure. Still she gulped for air, knowing she needed it. Still she
waited until the wabbit moved in—closer, closer…
An instant before it pounced, Arlene’s fingers deftly unbuckled the sword belt,
one hand still tight around the sword’s hilt. With a loud thwack she launched the sword at the creature, catching it in the
eye. It groaned—and Prince yelled—in surprise. Nimbly, Arlene moved past the
wabbit and unsheathed the sword. Her hands were trembling; the sword was heavy,
and her muscles ached, but she held it poised, waiting for the wabbit to charge
at her.
Another thing Arlene had learned at school was to never mess with an angry
wabbit.
But, she reasoned with herself, most lessons were to be disposed of anyway,
soundly and swiftly. She did not flinch as the wabbit turned to glare at her,
cackling—this time out of sheer rage. She glared back with more courage than
she actually possessed. The wabbit hissed, claws digging into the dirt, its
body gleaming in the moonlight.
It cackled and it charged.
Arlene raised the sword above her head and struck out at the wabbit, succeeding
only in slashing it across the face—too
quick, Arlene—and had to keep herself from stumbling as she avoided the
wabbit. One of its ears grazed her across the shoulder and she cried out in
pain as it made contact. The sword clattered to the floor; the belt lay too far
away, still at Prince’s feet.
Prince’s feet.
Prince. Arlene had completely lost
track of him. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him, a grey figure bobbing
against the wall behind the wabbit. He was tugging at something. Arlene wanted
to call out to him—yell at him to help—but
her mouth couldn’t form the words. A faint prickle of anger rushed through her
body. But then the wabbit snarled and snapped at her, and she tensed.
Her left arm felt numb and heavy. Her
vision was swimming again, black beetles crawling in from every which way. She leaned
down to pick the sword up as the wabbit inched towards her again—like this was
some stupid game, thought Arlene angrily, like it was
fun to tire her out before the monster struck.
She had barely raised the sword again that something struck the wabbit from
behind.
It was a boot. And it crashed straight through the wabbit’s head, its
dirt-covered, sharp-as-knives heel glimmering
in Arlene’s line of sight like a brilliant
something that was hardly mundane. A laugh escaped
her mouth—shocked laughter, as Prince let out something resembling a war cry—and the heel went straight through the wabbit’s mouth.
It took a second for both children—and the wabbit itself—to realise that it was dead. As such, it also took a while for the unconscious wabbit to slump to the
ground with the realisation that it had been killed. And it took a while for both
Arlene and Prince to breathe normally, whereupon they hugged each other and
laughed.
Climbing out the hole after that was easy. Prince stuck the sword into the wall
and jammed the scabbard onto it—rather clumsily, but both of them made it up
without cutting their feet. Once out, Arlene took a shaky breath. She smiled at
Prince, who was slimy, and sticky, his white-blonde hair sticking to his
forehead in clumps.
‘Well,’ she said, when she’d found her voice. ‘You’re late.’
He laughed. ‘I’m not.
You lost your
way.’
‘Yeah, but—look, take me to Ixister Quixa now. Please.’ Arlene looked at Prince
beseechingly.
His eyes widened. ‘Now? But your family—’
‘If I go back now, Prince, I’ll get
into trouble. Who knows how long I’ll have to wait until I can run away again?
If I’m going to get into trouble,’ she argued, ‘I might just as well make it
worth my while.’
‘So you just want to get into tons more trouble instead?’
She nodded jerkily. ‘You know why I’m going there,’ she said shortly. ‘You know
about—the nightmares.’
‘I do know,’ he admitted. His shoulders sagged and he frowned at
the ground. Looking up at Arlene, he met her determined eyes. He sighed.
‘C’mon,’ he said,
and began to walk down the slope. When he turned to look at her, Arlene saw the
fatigue weighing down on him—it was in his posture, in the way he dragged his
feet.
‘Prince,’ she said, just as his eyes rolled into the back of his head.
He then proceeded to slump over in a dead faint.
End of chapter
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Leap-day review! These things can only happen once every four years so you should totally be pleased to be getting one. Or something to that affect...
Specifics
1. I can't tell if you want us to find the wabbits funny or not? I'm not going to be able to take them seriously with that name anyway but even the description of them not being funny isn't very serious?
2. If Arlene knows how to use a sword then why didn't she take it from Prince earlier? That part feels a little too 'lucky' at the moment.
3.
4.
Overall
I'm not sure why Arlene couldn't have told her family about the nightmares and asked them to take her to see someone. I guess it's probably that thing people do of making a mountain out of a mole hill, but it's not very visible in the text at the moment.
This isn't my favourite chapter, mostly because the falling in the hole for the second time felt very stupid and the having the sword and Arlene knowing how to use it and how to pull it out of the scabbard smoothly felt too convenient. This blend wasn't really working for me and I'm having a hard time in general taking the Wabbit as a serious threat but it's not funny enough for this to be a comedy sketch.
Your descriptions and the fluidity of your writing were great as always but I didn't enjoy the conflict here and the characters seem to come second place to the Wabbit.
See you at the next chapter!
~Heather
this was good
Heya!
Redundancy: "in particular" and "especially."
You seem to favor appositive and parenthetical phrases, which are great for fluency; the jaggedness justifies any rough sentence structure. Used excessively, though, they'll affect the narrator's voice and give humor a bitter taste. (You're probably tired of hearing technical nitpicks, so I'll try to be short and stuff, but linear sentences are easier to stomach and convey information better--abundances of appositive/parenthetical phrases tend to give the subconscious message that they're concealing something.)
It also felt a bit direct: the italicization and breaking of the fourth wall.
Still, though, it serves as a nice transition from the last segment, and that's hard to pull off when you're working from a cliffhanger. I definitely prefer it to the previous opening paragraphs.
The narrator emphasizes that wabbits aren't comical-looking, but this description definitely reinforced their comicality.
So Arlene's intelligence extends to an eidetic memory, which is a bit typical and overdone. It's like a writer justifying a character's weirdly detailed diary entries with hyperthymesia. I can't buy that she suffers sudden attacks of information-overflow, especially since they don't seem to be triggered by anything in particular; they just float into the story when convenient.
There's also some contrasting images with "tide" and "seared"--one large and liquid, another small and fire.
Technical: "in vain" instead of "vainly," maybe?
Kind of trivial, but I think that it'd look better if it was trimmed: "or succumb."
Article consistency: insert a "the" before "coat." And if you're describing a cleft lip when you wrote "hare-lipped," the hyphen can be dropped.
Predators with poisonous fangs generally kill their prey by biting them, and I'm guessing in a world of magic and fantastical creatures that venomous, fanged animals aren't that mythical a concept. It's also unclear what the narrator's describing--the killing? the eating? The word "slicing" seems to just serve as a flashy garnish.
Some slight rewording, maybe, to maintain the professional tone: "Wabbits are known to kill their prey by [...]"
This paragraph's structure feels a bit off: several pieces of figurative language gummed together.
If a kettle's been left on the stove for "too long," that implies that all the water's boiled away, which means it wouldn't be screeching--the screeching signifies that the water's ready for use. So it could just trim down to "like a screeching kettle."
You don't necessarily pay attention to the shape of a scream rising in your throat, either; it's superfluous detail. I'd love for the narrator to illustrate Arlene's panic through clipped phrases and carefully-balanced description.
No necessity for a comma here.
Heh. Hitchhiker's reference. (Or maybe I'm just looking too hard and this wasn't intentional at all, but either way, it made me smile.)
She registers as bright, but I'm not receiving hints of levelheadedness. Also, the definition of levelheadedness covers the ability to stay calm in trying situations, so there's contradicting information.
This sentence felt over-extravagant, as well--deliberate passive voice that really didn't lend anything.
I'm not sure what this is called--softeners? de-intensifiers? But I'll refer to it as creamers, because I always think of it like diluting the bitterness of coffee.
It's sort of a term for phrases along the lines of "along the lines of" and "sort of." You're supposed to eliminate them in writing, as they're excessive and dull whatever message you're trying to communicate. I found a lot scattered through here.
"Appeared to" is one, and "rather" makes a frequent appearance. Used moderately, creamers can contribute to the tone, but "would find herself" definitely feels unnecessary.
"Especially" isn't a creamer; it's used a lot, though, as an adverb modifying an adjective. It snags the flow. And "simply" and "merely" and those types of words.
Another example of a creamer, but this time the length of a sentence; the future flashback doesn't lend anything except to provide the reader a transition into the next paragraph.
The images don't really line up; cackling is a deliberate sound, and "escape" implies that it ... escaped. Streamed involuntarily from the wabbit's mouth.
Agreeing with Steam, this felt convenient, especially since the narrator acknowledged it in their own story; if less emphasis was placed on it, his possession of the sword would be easier to accept.
Forgot a period after "harder."
This felt a bit clumsy, both the incorporation of Arlene's information flash and Prince's irritated reaction--a cliche dialogue exchange.
Slowing down acts as a form of entertainment? This was a bit oddly worded--maybe "savor," instead? I'd also recommend replacing "act" with "be" to clear things up.
The M-dashes felt choppy, which I guess was the point--but the choppiness felt choppy. I think breaking the sentence off after "scabbard" would help mend that, maybe just eliminating the "we're going to die" part entirely.
Contradicting images: "pallid" basically means white and pasty, like Count Dracula.
This feels like a stretch, and especially considering all the other similes about light.
"Hardly mundane" feels a bit excessive.
That was some huge emphasis on wabbits, a creature Arlene just happened to encounter in the wild. It's setup for a reappearance, but reading the chapters in order, the whole chase felt unnecessary and drawn-out. I found it easy to forget Arlene's purpose.
Still, though, I loved this chapter--in some ways, I even found it superior to the previous ones. There was a lack of tone shifts, so it read smoothly; the atmosphere stayed consistent; the characters stayed consistent; and in general, it was just a really enjoyable read. I received Arlene's youth at the same time I received her intelligence.
Agh, their victory was so satisfying.
Onto 3.1!
Pomp! It's review time!
I really and truly hope that that wasn't an attempt to make it scarier to your readers. It just made me laugh more. (Also, nice omniscient narrator tone!)You know the drill, nitpicks first.
Aaaaah, that description. Still, you've got two short, choppy sentences. Combiiiine.
That paragraph of writing you've got in italics describing wabbits? (That name, I cannot get over it). Put more of Arlene's thoughts in the middle. Normal people don't think in blocks of text, and it reads rather unnaturally there.
You either need an 'an' before unforeseen or change the sentence to 'circumstances arise'.
Oh, yay, the third person omniscient is beautiful in this chapter! You finally found a good balance. Idea: Maybe have the narrator spew some of the information about wabbits?
Unnecessarily wordy. Their expressions would suffice in place of his expression and her's.
Perhaps change 'solid' to 'sticky'? Or delete the 'slimy' in front of 'wall' and say 'its slimy surface'. I say this because 'solid surface' after saying that the wall is slimy is... less than clear. O, perhaps, change solid to unmoving. That makes it all better again.
End of nitpicks.
You've got a lovely chapter here, and I adore that fight sequence. Positively realistic, and quite clear, with perfect pacing. More description can't hurt, especially about the wabbit. You have so much information about it, it's hard to process. So use simple adjectives; razor-sharp ears, gleaming, hungry eyes, etc. etc. etc. Capiche?
Speaking of sharp ears, I was somewhat confused when the wabbit's ear cut Arlene. I'm sure you've described wabbit's ears as sharp before, but I don't remember. So perhaps describe the ear as sharp, or with spikes on it, or... er... however it's supposed to be. And in the fight scene, how does Arlene get the sword to unstick? I mean, just because you take the sword belt off doesn't mean the sword comes out. More description, please.
Speaking of description- well, aside from what I've pointed out already- you described their reactions very well, and very realistically. I especially loved all the little things you described after they fell into the hole- Arlene's nails, Prince's face... you get the idea.
I do believe that's all I have for you. Your writing style in this chapter has been by far the best.
WRITE, WRITE, WRITE.
~Rora
It was initially going to be called a droalag or a wrot, but when I was writing I thought 'wabbit' ... and it stuck. XD
<33 Thank you for this! Very helpful review as always~
Hello, steampowered here for a review! This was great, but I noticed a few little issues with this.
o.o I strongly advise you rephrase this. Like, get rid of the erect part.
Nitpick, but I’d delete the “to”.
Enh. That’s just too handy. The whole thing feels a little convenient. Prince turns up just when she needs him and then he just so happens to have a sword? There’s no real danger here, as I think Squall mentioned. Prince should really turn up at a point where he’s not of help to Arlene. And if a sword is something he doesn’t usually carry, he shouldn’t use said sword to despatch with the wabbit. It’s just too convenient. Fighting the wabbit off with a stick, perhaps. But not a sword. Also, an average kid running with an unwieldy sword probably won’t be able to run all that fast. Yet here you say:
I don’t think Prince would be able to stay ahead of the wabbit for very long. It’s clearly not a slow-moving animal.
This sentence told me nothing. Tugging at what? His clothing? The wabbit? Judging by his later action, something in the wall. Maybe this needs to be clearer?
Erm, this might just be me and my poor sense of humour but “unconscious” doesn’t mean the same as “dead”.
Eh heh, how cute. I’m glad you’ve not done the stereotypical girl-fainting thing, so yeah. Cute ending. :3
So yes, I’m still enjoying reading this and I’m looking forward to finding out what happens next. *unsheathes wabbit-fighting sword* Onward to the next chapter!
OK Pomp, round 2.
So I found this chapter to actually be less intriguing than the first. I wouldn't say that it's boring, it just felt lackluster in a few places due to a combination of not showing enough, questionable character decisions and a chapter that just felt more like filler than help build momentum in the plot.
Let's start at Chapter 2.1. So you mentioned this near the beginning:
And as I kept reading, I thought "Why couldn't you just show how Meare was in a ruckus rather than telling it?" You instead described less exciting things like the ex-Ixister scolding a few men and that pointless internal monologue of not having a wagon for the situation at hand. Ugh, it does nothing to add to the intensity of the situation.
Furthermore, I would like to see more of how Elborn and Garnet interacted with the villagers and their surroundings given such a situation. A lot of focus was on them conversing about getting transport ready to look for Arlene, which is OK and all, but since the only focus was on this, there was a jarring disconnect between Elborn and Garnet with their surroundings. This is exaggerated somewhat, but it's like Elborn and Garnet were just standing in a pure white room with nothing else but just them talking about this. That was the sort of blandness I was getting for a good portion of 2.1.
Quick note, but how does a tracking spell work? Do you need some item belonging to said missing person and you can somehow track them with that?
We also learn that Arlene likes to head off by herself to places when it came to her part. Now, Prince had promised to escort her to Ixister Quixa for an important meeting, but for some reason unexplained, he wasn't able to. Now, I would assume that Arlene is an important person in the village, so as she was leaving the village, shouldn't the guards at the village be obligated to provide her with an escort before she leaves town? It's not like she's going out for a night walk, she's traversing the wilderness to visit this Ixister Quixa.
And don't get me started with the ending for 2.1. Right at the nick of time, Prince shows up out of nowhere to provide her assistance. Ugh, it's kind of cliché don't you think? I would go as far to say that it's deus ex machina right there.
I don't have much for 2.2, except that I felt that it was kind of bland. You know Prince and Arlene aren't going to be in danger due to plot armor, and Price would dispatch the wabbit with minimal effort. It's not really exciting, I mean come on, you're just dispatching some random creature from the wild, not some truly horrifying monster. And that faint at the end didn't do much for me. Oh, a character that randomly shows up and who we know little about faints after fighting some random creature, oh how exciting...
I guess what this chapter does show is Arlene is knowledgeable to an extent and kind of bossy, but I didn't get as strong of a handle of who Arlene is a character compared to Elborn or Malkolm, simply because those aren't quirks the characters have, but are more universal traits.
That's all I have to say for chapter 2. I'll review chapter 3 later.