~1637 words
~*~
At the eastern end of the Meargro Mountains, a boy and a girl sat hunched
beneath a tree.
The girl was short and slight, with ginger hair that clashed with her nut-brown
complexion. Her eyes were a startling shade of violet. She was not a pretty girl by any
means, but the way she sat under the tree was quite dignified, and you could
tell at once that she came from a family that was either respectable, or rich,
or both.
She looked like she had been dragged through a maze of thorns. Her clothes were
torn, her once bright-blue frock holey and smeared in all kinds of dirt. The
boy next to her was a worse sight: a large purple bruise bloomed on his
forehead, his white-blonde hair was matted and greasy, and he was dressed from head to
toe in fleece. He was tall and lanky, splayed on the ground in a manner that was most certainly
undignified, but the
girl scarcely cast him a reproachful glance. It was obvious that she would have,
were the conditions any different, but she was hungry, and tired, and her sojourn
into the Meargro Mountains had as yet gone unrewarded.
This odd couple had been sitting under this tree for the last half an hour,
contemplating their next move.
The girl was Arlene Randerfort. The boy was Prince. And they were being watched
from across the Meare, their faces as clear as springwater, their voices
resounding in a room in a tower in a red house that was built into the side of
a mountain.
Kelm shuffled nearer to the window, his hands clenched tightly at his sides. Here
was the girl! It had been days and
here she was—safe. Kelm could have cried out in relief, but anger enveloped
him, and he cocked his head closely at the children’s conversation.
He listened.
‘…find Quixa, you said it was just down this bend,’ the girl was saying,
shaking her head at the boy.
‘It was--is--it was supposed to be, anyway!’ The boy, Prince, straightened up. He ran a hand through his hair. ‘But
this part of the range is strange, it does whatever it wants. You’ve seen
the trees, the weird fog, the
wabbit, for
goodness’ sake—there might be a
herd—so
when the cave entrances jump around, you shouldn’t be surprised either.’
‘I’m ... not—no.’ Arlene shook her head again, more violently this time. ‘I’m not
surprised … I suppose. I’ve seen odder things Uncle El builds, and Ixister Kelm—I’ve
been to his house, but…’ She sighed. ‘I’m tired, dirty, hungry, and I haven’t
slept in fifteen hours. So please,
please
just get me to Ixister Quixa’s cave.’
‘It’s close,’ Prince said, bringing his knees to his chest. He yawned. ‘Your
family’s going to kill you for disappearing for the entire night, you know,’ he
commented lightly, picking at a blade of glass. He scrubbed distractedly at a
grass stain on his fleecy sleeve and looked back at Arlene. Her expression was
closed and guarded, her lips pursed as her thoughts roved over her situation
once more.
‘It’s only one night,’ Arlene said. ‘It could be worse.’
Back in the tower, Kelm and Malkolm exchanged surprised glances. They knew very
well that the entire village had been searching for Arlene longer than that—much
longer, and Kelm wondered idly if he ought to take the matter up with the
Ixisters’ Council. That part of the range had been left unexplored for too
long; he felt stranger magics might be at work there.
But this accounts for why they are
unperturbed by their disappearance. Poor child,
Kelm thought, stroking his
beard.
She has no idea of the ruckus she
has left behind her.
‘Yeah,’ Prince was saying now. He sounded somehow distant, his nails digging
into the material of his trousers. His gaze was vacant as he observed the
scenery before them, a rocky mountain trail, pines springing up from odd
places, the whispering trees…. ‘It could be worse,’ he repeated. Then, snapping
back to reality, he rolled his shoulders and got to his feet. ‘C’mon,’ he said
to Arlene, and he pulled her up as well.
The image on the window flickered slightly as it followed the pair, zooming in
on them as they tripped up the trail, their boots scuffing against the rock.
‘So are you going to explain your “utterly terrifying” dream to me any time
soon?’ Prince said to Arlene teasingly. She rolled her eyes, wrapping her arms
around her middle.
‘Those were
not my words,’ she
muttered irritably. ‘But I already told you—it’s been a consistent thing for a
month now, the dream. It’s always the same.’ She fidgeted, attempting to stuff
her hands into her pockets before realising that the dress didn’t have any, and
allowing her arms to hang limply by her sides instead. ‘In my—in my dream…’ she
said, making odd, jerky movements with her hand as though unsure how to explain
it. ‘It’s—well, it’s never very clear, but, it’s always the same. There’s a …
river, murky, deep, and I’m standing on the bank. There’s a light on the bank,
the opposite side, facing me. And two wisps of smoke drag me towards the river,
and I’m afraid—’ She sucked in a breath. ‘Well, I’m just afraid.
‘And every time I dream that dream, I stand on the bank for a real long time—it
feels like years, and my limbs feel
heavy,
and I just—I know it’s a dream, okay?’ She looked at Prince, eyebrows
furrowed, expression daring him to suggest otherwise ... but he simply nodded.
So
Arlene continued tersely: ‘And then, for some inexplicable reason, even when my
limbs begin to feel like they’re made of steel and there’s snow, then leaves,
then yellowing grass underneath my feet, I walk into the river, that wisp of
smoke curling around my waist. On the—on the other side of the bank, there’s
another girl—a little older than me. She gets pulled in, too, but she’s
screaming. I think, maybe, it’s my screaming that I hear, but I can never
remember, and my mouth fills up with water and I—’ Arlene stopped suddenly,
both in speech and in her trudging along the trail. Her shoulders were rigid;
her expression closed off and stony.
Prince stopped walking, too, and looked at
her questioningly. He was curious, there was no denying that, but he touched her
shoulder somewhat awkwardly in an effort to comfort her.
Arlene shook her head, blinked, and resumed pace. This time, she spoke fast and
her words were … measured, careful, like she was wary of giving too much away
to this boy in sheep’s clothing. This boy—her first friend. So different from
her, not just in the way he looked—pale, as pale the ice on the Meargro Mountains,
pale as the trees boughs that swished above and around their head…. She looked down at her hands, so scrawny and
brown in comparison.
Her hands balled themselves into fists.
‘The two wisps of smoke join when they reached the middle of the river,’ she
said, through gritted teeth. ‘And I wake up.’
Prince looked over his shoulder at her, stumbling slightly when he didn’t pay
attention to the trail. ‘That’s it?’ he asked.
‘That’s it,’ Arlene confirmed, concentrating on her feet. But both of them knew—and
their audience in the red tower knew, too—that this was not the complete truth.
Prince shrugged. ‘It doesn’t sound like anything that really requires a visit
to Quixa,’ he said lightly. ‘Just a nightmare.’
Arlene opened her mouth to reply, then closed it. Her nails dug into the sides
of her arms as she walked, catching up with Prince, and her breath rose before
her like steam from a heaving engine. Wispy and pale—Malkolm and Kelm watched
on from the red house, watched on as she reached out hesitantly with a pale
hand to touch the vapour. Her fingers closed around emptiness, and she
shivered. Prince, too, was quiet, and for a while they simply walked, the trees
around them like ghosts amidst ghosts, the trail the only solid thing beneath
their feet.
‘It’s important,’ Arlene said quietly, breaking the silence. ‘It’s important to
me. You can’t understand—it wasn’t
your dream.
You weren’t there. I need to see Quixa,’ she said. ‘I
have to.’ Her voice was laced with desperation now, and Kelm moved
closer towards the window, looking at the scene with utmost concentration. The
cogs in his head turned. Malkolm, too, held his hands up without complaint,
pretending to look uninterested. But things were changing, and perhaps this
girl was not so silly as he had originally thought after all….
‘I know,’ Prince said. ‘You didn’t have to tell me anyway.’ And he took her
hand and dragged her up the trail, faster. The sun dribbled yolk above their
heads before it sank behind the mountains.
Malkolm let the screen down. His hands burned. It was like the chill of the
mountains had permeated the room; it left him feeling uneasy, and he sat down
with considerably more grace than Kelm, who had collapsed onto an armchair. Kelm twirled
his beard around his finger, eyes overcast as if he was somewhere far, far
away.
‘We need to get Elborn,’ he said, his voice heavy. ‘We need to get Elborn and
go see the Ixisters’ Council straightaway, even before we see the king. Malkolm—’
‘Yes,’ he said. He felt drained—too tired to argue. ‘I’ll go get him.’
‘Good,’ Kelm said. ‘Good.’ He closed his eyes and fell back on the armchair,
rubbing at his forehead.
Malkolm looked out of the window. It was only past noon. Why had it felt like
decades had passed, then? It had been dusk at the Eastern end of the mountains.
The children said it had only been a night since they had left. Time—time was
strange. He rolled up his sleeves and stepped out of the window, magicking a
platform for his to walk on.
It was going to be a busy night.
End of chapter
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Hi there!
The first thing I notice is the break at the beginning. I went back to remind myself where you cut off in the first part and there doesn't seem to be a need for a break here. Kelm just demanded to see Arlene and here she is.
This is an objective statement. How exactly isn't she pretty? My idea of not pretty is probably completely different than your idea of not pretty. If this is going to be the way you describe her you'll have to go into a bit more detail.
One thing I notice about your writing is how many dashes and ellipses you use. Of course that isn't a bad thing, as that's part of your writing style. I will say though, that it makes it a bit hard to read. I find myself constantly pausing, going back to reread something I went through too fast, trying to understand how exactly to read it because of the punctuation. It sort of breaks the flow of your story. There's a lot in the dialogue of this chapter specifically. After reading through it a couple of times, it seems the punctuation fits well with how the dialogue is being said. However, it does get to be a bit much. Sure Arlene is hesitating and pausing while she speaks, but every little detail of that doesn't have to be shown. I always like to compare dialogue to dialogue on any movie or television show. The lines are written out with minimal direction. The actor is the one who brings it to life. Dialogue is the same. We give the readers the basic skeleton of the dialogue and let them decide the rest. Dashes and ellipses are nice in moderation. Just be careful of how often you're using them.
I like how this chapter is pulling everything together. I mentioned in a previous review that it was different having all of the characters at separate places doing separate things. It seems now though, that they're going to start coming together. The story is still moving along, still progressing, but now the tempo seems to be speeding up. Obviously it's going to be a while before Arlene and Prince are physically with Kelm and the rest, but at least they're being thought of. Otherwise it would just feel like two stories going on simultaneously.
I wish I could've given you a better review, but I couldn't think of what else to say. Next chapter's will be better I promise ^_^
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Specifics
You've told us twice already that the boy is Prince so I think you can use his name here1. I'm not sure about the phrasing 'odd couple'. I think I'd prefer 'odd pair' because it has less romantic connotations but that might have been what you were going for?
2.
3. I find the point of view particularly awkward in this chapter. While you're using an omnipresent narrator and I know this isn't from Arlene's view point, for a lot of the chapter, it feels like it is, so then when you flit across to Prince or back to Malkolm and Kelm, I feel disoriented and like I'm being jerked around. I think omnipresent narrators work best when you only give thoughts which are really key to the chapter and for the rest of it focus on a single view-point and give us other characters' emotions by describing their actions or through their dialogue. It's hard to achieve full immersion otherwise.
4. This needs to either be joined and reached or join and reach - I think the latter works best.
5. Maybe a personal thing but I prefer 'into' an armchair.
6.
Overall
This is a nice meaty chapter in terms of catching up with every character. In fact, if we count the 'let's go get Elborn' at the end the we have all your characters except for one covered in the same chapter and that's a really big thing and a good thing. It's nice to see the story start to come together and to have connections between the different branches.
I think Malkolm's unusually quiet/ agreeable in this chapter and there doesn't seem to be much reason for that. Time has got a little bit screwed up in the mountains, fair enough, but what is significant to him about the girl's dream? And why couldn't she have asked her own Ixister about it first? I feel like these are questions we need the answers to. I think a conversation between Arlene and Prince could clear the second up.
That's all I have for now!
~Heather
Hello Pomp, steampowered here with a review! I’m going to just go through this chapter and pick up on anything that leaps off the page at me. So, I’ll get started:
I really like that Arlene isn’t any kind of Mary-Sue. One of the things that annoys me about story characters is that they’re either beautiful or pretty, at the very least absolutely average.
I love this simile! However, I believe springwater should be two words.
Ooh. This is an interesting little gem of information! I wonder why she doesn’t realise just how long she’s been missing?
I don’t find this bit of dialogue very realistic. Maybe “for some reason I can’t explain” would be better?
I love this. One of the things I enjoy most about reading your writing is definitely your unique turn of phrase.
As Lareine said, I feel like Malkolm is glossed over – it feels like he’s just there for the purpose of knowing what the others are up to which in turn feels a little bit contrived; I’d have him interacting with what’s going on more, even if it’s just his verbal reactions or his grumbled curses as the house takes advantage of his distraction, or whatever. Anyway, I feel like I’m really getting back into the swing of the story, and I can’t wait to find out what happens next!
-steampowered-
Hey, Pomp! So you ought to know I'm not caught up on TC (blasphemy, I know), so my review will be focusing mainly on what I see in this chapter rather than overarching plot and characterization critiques. Enjoy!
First of all, I think you already know that I adore how you use point of view in all of your writing. I normally don't like third person omniscient writing because I find the head-hopping hard to endure, but the changes in point of view feel natural in this chapter, and it slides easily from one character to the logical next—from the observed to the observers, and back to the observed. It's quite nice, actually.
Your writing is very slick and easy to digest! I didn't have trouble following this scene along, even though I might have with how I haven't read a lot up to this point; I felt like the actions were logical to their characters, and the characters made sense within their world, and the plot of course intrigues me to no end with how time is strange and warping.
One thing I might say is that the character of Malkolm seems glossed over in this scene; while Kelm, Arlene, and Prince are all very much present in the scene, Malkolm seems to disappear until the end, having little character input on how things are unfolding. At the end, I can see his character being involved in the scene, but in the beginning and middle, it's like he kind of fades into the walls instead of being a part of the action.
In any case, I'm so glad to get to review more of TC! Keep writing, love~
<33
I honestly find this entertaining, because your trying. I also think that your imagination is vivid. I honestly wonder what drives you. You should continue...and use what plays with your emotions to your advantage, when making a story. Good luck, and if any questions you let me know. •///• BTW...This is a review. Later, loves. ^ῳ^