Tryal's Curse 2.1

by Pompadour

Published August 9, 2015

In Tryal's Curse--Novel~

~2407 words

Chapter Two:
A Prince in Sheep’s Clothing


Night fell quickly on the Meargro Mountains. Far quicker, in Elborn’s opinion, than it ought to. Perhaps this was because he had been in Kelm’s house earlier—his sense of time was always wrecked after visiting there—but Elborn felt as if the sparse daylight was mocking him. Arlene— his Arlene—was missing. He needed to find her. He needed to make sure she was all right, that she wasn’t hurt….

If only everyone wouldn’t be so slow about it.

All of Meare was in a ruckus. The town had been upended twice, and when it became apparent that Arlene Randerfort was ‘not there, Meka Elborn sir, yes, she’s not there’— Kelm had demanded search parties be assembled, and ordered for them to set off at once. He was Ixister no longer, but most of the Meare did not know this as of yet, although they looked at Malkolm strangely and murmured under their breaths about ‘that strange lad, an envoy from the king perhaps, is he?’ Elborn had merely snorted at the lot of them.

Now though, he stood on a barrel, surveying the crowd of volunteers, some who had offered help themselves, others having been coerced by Kelm’s presence to help. The ex-Ixister was currently scolding a few men for piling their carts up with useless supplies, while Malkolm had mysteriously disappeared. Elborn’s shoulders slumped as people jostled around him, most of them casting sympathetic smiles his way, or stopping to press his hand and nod in what they obviously thought was a comforting manner. Elborn smiled at them weakly, then shook his head at himself.

What is the matter with you, Elborn? he thought. Where is your spark? Where is your genius? Still shaking his head, he whipped a silk handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his forehead, wishing for a distraction.

Said distraction arrived in the form of his wife. The moment Elborn saw Garnet pushing through the crowd and walking towards him, he hopped off the barrel and embraced her. She stiffened for a moment before returning the hug. She was taller than Elborn by an inch—no doubt she was wearing the heels that were forever glued to her feet—and her eyes were still streaming freely. When she pulled back, Elborn saw that her eyes were red, but faded somehow, and cold. He patted her on the back.

‘S’all right,’ Elborn said. ‘Kelm has cast a Tracing spell—it’s weak, because he is no longer an Official Ixister, but it should help us with the search.’ He patted his wife’s shoulder. ‘Chin up, Garnet. You have me, I will find Arlene—I’ve never failed yet, right?’ Garnet’s lower lip trembled on her plump face, but her eyes remained steely and she removed Elborn’s hand from her shoulder.

‘It’s late, Elborn. I’m grabbing a cart. You—if you’re wise, you’ll leave Kelm to sorting the villagers out and come with me. Arlene—she—’ Garnet paused for a second and wiped her face. ‘I will search all of Adreitus if I have to,’ she said firmly, glaring at Elborn. She walked away from him and towards the square, where a number of horse carts had been assembled. Her numerous shawls trailed after her and her bright golden curls bobbed on her head as she climbed into one of the carts and meddled with the lyte-fixtures. Elborn wrinkled his nose. Horse carts. It was so very primitive. He remembered his WAGON, currently dismantled and lying in a heap in the middle of his Mekanik Workshop. It would have been so useful right now, Elborn thought, twisting the material of his waistcoat between his fists in frustration. He stared at the horse carts, then at Kelm, then at the lyte-fixtures. A jigsaw formed in his head and he put the pieces together. He was sure he had a set of pre-written engarvments at home, tiles which had been prepared for his WAGON, but which were useless now. If he could get Kelm to bind those engarvments with another magical object, like the lyte-fixtures, he could…

Elborn’s eyes lit up. He scurried towards Kelm.

‘Kelm—I need you to do something for me!’

Half an hour later, Elborn was bouncing towards the Western Peaks of the range, lyte-fixture glowing brightly, a multitude of bright tiles with strange patterns embedded into its metallic base. Garnet gathered her shawls around her. Elborn held onto the lyte-fixture tightly, moving it in circles like a steering-wheel. He shivered as the cold night air passed straight through him, but his face was set and determined every time his niece’s smiling face appeared in his head.

Please don’t let this be a mistake. 

~*~


If Arlene Randerfort counted, she had made almost eighteen mistakes that day. Most of them were rather small mistakes (if knowing that kind of thing matters to you) like tripping and cursing and losing her way on the mountain trails. Some of the mistakes, however, were larger than bears. Yes, thought Arlene, attempting to claw her way up the slippery, slimy walls of the wabbit hole. Some mistakes were larger than bears. Her nails dug into the clammy soil, knees positioned awkwardly as she tried to push her heels into the dirt. Frustrated, she kicked at the wall of the hole, succeeding only in adding a bruise to her inventory of aches. Biting down on her lip, she threw a tantrum in her head. ‘Well, Arlene,’ she whispered, ‘you’ve just done the impossible—made things worse.’ She scowled, stepping back to glare at the wall. If there was a pair of plush earmuffs to top her Bear of Mistakes, it would be this one.

Falling into a hole had not been in Arlene’s inventory of aches that day.

She sighed, plopping down on the floor. She no longer cared how dirty her dress was, or how grimy her face; in fact, she thought, it didn’t really matter. She had  wanted to look respectable for her meeting with Ixister Quixa, whom Prince had promised he would take her to. Ixister Quixa could read minds, Prince had said, and he interpreted dreams. But as the hours ticked on, and Arlene’s feet grew weary, it slowly grew obvious that the meeting would not be taking place. Somewhere along the way she had managed to stray off the path, bypassing their designated meeting-place. As night had fallen on the mountains, everything began to look the same. There was no light save that of the moon’s stingy beams peeping from behind the clouds—and that was nowhere near enough to keep Arlene from falling down a hole. Her carefully braided hair had come loose; it hung in ginger wisps around her face. Her dress, although not torn, might as well be, because it was damp and covered with a million kinds of dirt. She patted it down, grimacing at the clayey sediments that caught beneath her fingernails.

You look quite the spectacle, Arlene,’ she whispered to herself again. It was the kind of thing her uncle, Elborn, would say to her. It gave her comfort to imagine him with her. She knew that he would probably have thought of a way out of the hole already. Elborn was a genius, after all, and it was part of his job to come up with solutions to unsolvable problems. Arlene would be a liar if she said she wasn’t proud of him.

She would also be a liar if she told herself that Elborn would not mind her little sojourn into the South End of the Meargro Mountains. She would be a liar if she said that he would encourage her talking to strangers and taking midnight strolls. Arlene had two theories for her actions in the past couple of days, one of which was that she was more of a liar than she had ever believed.

The other theory was that she was possessed.

There was no other reason for her stupidity—for her naivety, she thought, picking at the scabs on her knee. No one would have done the things she had, or made the mistakes she had made if they weren’t under some sort of influence. She buried her face in the folds of her skirt and sobbed, but to her great irritation, she found that she could not cry. She wiped her face with her dirty hand and sighed. ‘You are not a princess, Arlene,’ she told herself. ‘You are not a damsel in distress. You are a girl stuck in a hole and you will find a way out. So up you get.’ Saying this, Arlene jumped to her feet. This time, instead of attempting to scrabble out of the hole, she looked around for a foothold. At this point, even a bit of hard rock in the wall would suffice. She could dig at the softer dirt and make a makeshift foothold, even! But running her hands along the walls, Arlene soon realised that this was futile: the walls were packed together too well. There was a thin layer of slime covering them, so that Arlene’s fingers were green and sticky by the time she had finished inspecting her prison. ‘Yeuch,’ she said, wiping the slime on her shoes. She looked around the hole one more time and grimaced. It smelled. It smelled really bad.

One would think Arlene Randerfort would be sensible enough to at least pick out a proper hole to fall into. Preferably, a proper hole would be one that did not belong to a wabbit (Arlene had decided from the excessive amount of slime that this hole obviously belonged to one) or one that did not stink of rot. Arlene was unable to discern exactly how this kind of rot differed from the other kinds, but if she chalked it up in her head, she would guess that it was at least 2.67 times worse.

(Mathematical precision was not Arlene’s forte, let it be said.)

Sighing again, she sat down on the floor. It looked like all she could do was wait for the wabbit to come back. The wabbit, she reasoned to herself, would do things:

1) It would eat her, digging its claws into her body and nibbling on her appendages as dessert.

2) It would kill her and toss her body into a corner.

Neither of these options much appealed to Arlene, so she decided simply to not think about it. That was the way Arlene worked. If something bothered her, she would simply refuse to accept it as anything but a blurry realization at the back of her head. Two years ago, she had discovered this strange power as one that all humans possessed, but very few understood. She didn’t understand it entirely, either, except she knew that sometimes she could observe scenes very detachedly, like an observer who is unaffected by anything. It allowed her to think clearly. It allowed her to understand.

It was this power that made Arlene Randerfort so very clever. In some ways, of course, she was stupid. But in others, she was wise beyond her years. She sat quietly, in the middle of the hole, watching the moon flicker behind the clouds. Slowly, she got to her feet and slipped her shoes off; they were boots made of unaesium, a queer, metallic substance that was both waterproof and did not rust. They were expensive shoes, sleek and silver, with patterns dancing along their length; the inside was layered with rubber. They reached up higher than her knees and made it difficult for her to walk sometimes. Arlene had never cared much for them, really. Like most of the stuff Aunt Garnet gave her, the shoes had heels that stuck out as sharp as knives. Arlene had once cut her hand on them, and the only reason she wore the shoes was because they kept out the cold.

She had never expected them to save her life.

Arlene swung her arm back as far as it would go and drove the sharp heel into the wall, pushing at it until half of the boot had disappeared into the dirt. Arlene swung herself up with one hand, her feet swinging in the air—she then raised an arm and wedged the other boot above her head. This proved difficult, because she was balanced so precariously, but she managed to grab onto the dangling laces and place one foot firmly on the boot below her. Her socks were slippery with slime and she was afraid she would fall.

She didn’t.

Looking up, Arlene was very glad that although the hole she had fallen into stank, it had not been too deep. It sunk a bit more than two metres into the ground,  and was rather wide. She supposed it belonged to a young wabbit (which didn’t make it any less dangerous, still), and the thought comforted her a bit. The bottom of the hole had been soft, too, so Arlene had been mostly winded by the wall but not seriously hurt.

‘You’re lucky, Arlene,’ she said, gritting her teeth. Lucky.

Tugging at the laces of her boot, she was relieved when it remained stuck in the wall and did not fall out. Shifting carefully, she pulled herself upwards and cupped her hands firmly around the calf. With a grunt, Arlene pulled herself upwards again. It’s like climbing a tree, she thought. Thank goodness for upper body strength.

Slowly, steadily, Arlene gripped the edge of the hole and pulled herself out. The cold mountain air slapped her; it smelt lovely, of pines and berries. Arlene inhaled deeply and sighed, closing her eyes for a second. She lay down on the ground.

The sound of yelling was what caused her eyes to snap open again. Arlene sat up abruptly.

A boy was heading towards her, dressed in fleece from head to toe. It was Prince. Arlene jumped to her feet and started running towards him. But he wasn’t looking at her—in fact, Arlene doubted he'd even seen her. His gaze was directed at something behind his shoulder. A sword swung madly at his hip. He yelled again, something indistinguishable, although it sounded vaguely like he was saying, 'Yar yar yar yar—yar yar!' 

Arlene screamed as she saw what Prince was running from. She stopped stock-still when he neared her; he turned to look at her with wide eyes. His mouth dropped open. 

'Run!' he managed to say. 

A wabbit raced after him, slime trailing down its grossly elongated body, its fangs gleaming in the moonlight. 

Comments & reviews · 5
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Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · Feb 28, 2016

I think I'll get in one more before I start getting ready for bed :)

Specifics

1.

‘S’all right,’ Elborn said. ‘Kelm has cast a Tracing spell—it’s weak, because he is no longer an Official Ixister, but it should help us with the search.’
I feel like this information is provided for the reader's benefit and doesn't fit naturally with the dialogue. When you console someone, you don't explain the bad stuff to them. You brush over that and stick to the positives.

2. Why is the WAGON now in Elborn's workshop? Have they really taken the time to move it from wherever Malkolm put it to Elborn's workshop, all the way down from that mountain, while theres a child missing? That seems really out of place. I'm also not sure why Kelm is suddenly allowed so much freedom. I feel like Malkolm would be more reluctant/ controlling after having locked him in a room in his house and told him to pack. He'd be looking to make a good first impression and this doesn't feel like that. He also was very clear on wanting to dismiss Elborn so this feels inconsistent. A crisis involving Elborn's kid would be the perfect time to dismiss him and make it look like a kindness.

3. I have no idea what a lyte fixture is. I presumed in later chapters that you were just using it to mean a fancy kind of light but now I'm less sure.

4.
Falling into a hole had not been in Arlene’s inventory of aches that day.
This line doesn't make much sense to me. I think you're saying she hadn't planned to do it but instead it seems to suggest that she hasn't fallen into the hole?

5.
Her dress, although not torn, might as well be, because it was damp and covered with a million kinds of dirt. She patted it down, grimacing at the clayey sediments that caught beneath her fingernails.
I think 'clay like' or 'clay' would read better than 'clayey'.

6. Some of your paragraphs are a bit blocky - you might want to trim them down or separate them.

7. I don't really like the use of Wabbit for the name of a creature. It makes me think of Loony Tunes and it's going to be hard to imagine anything other than bugs bunny once said creature is properly introduced. I think there are too many strong connotations with that word already. It would be like using the term 'brownie' to describe some kind of flying monster instead of a junior girl guide/ a type of fairy.

Overall

I like Arlene better in this chapter than I've liked her before so that's good! Her clumsiness still annoys me though. The weird thing is, I love male main characters who are clumsy, but when girls are it makes me feel really annoyed and like the character in question is being dis-empowered. It feels sexist, though in reality I'm the sexist one for not minding when it's the other way but objecting to female clumsy characters. I think it's an association I have with books I don't like. Twilight was the last straw for me when it was presented as the character's only weakness, but in general I've read too many books where the girl is overly clumsy but otherwise oh so capable and adorable.

Despite this, there was something about Arlene's character which I liked for once. She showed a good amount of pragmatism and some of her self-scolding was exactly the kind of pep talk I've given myself before so she felt real.

I perhaps think you're jumping view points a little too much early on. You need to let us get grounded in one character/ the plot/ something before throwing us back and forth all over the place. It's not even all of the characters in one location and while there's a good connection between the two groups, I'm not sure that the world is established enough yet for all this jumping around. The characters certainly aren't and it's impossible to know which the main character is and who we should be bonding with.

There are a lot of books which jump around like this but most of them will start off with a few solid chapters from one view point first while establishing the basics or they will flick between only two characters early on and let those settle in before adding more or only move between characters in the same group and give different perspective on the same thread of plot-line which is building.

Just something to think about!

See you tomorrow,

~Heather

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Apricity
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Apricity wrote a review Review · Jan 30, 2016

Helo. I'm trying to plough through as many chapters as I can before RD hits and besides these are long overdue. I won't go into massively long reviews since I'm experimenting and I don't know how effective this actually will be.

I reread most of Tryal's chapters apart from the first one because my memory is absolutely ancient, basically what I wanted to say was that in all of them the writing felt a bit dense and fast in some parts. Now this may just be me because I'm just weird like that, what I mean by dense is that you've got very content heavy paragraphs and not only so those paragraphs are also composed of long, complex sentences and overtime they start to build up and bog the chapters down. Just for reference, I had a quick skim of The Name of the Wind (isn't it convenient I keep it nearby...) and most if not all of the paragraphs are limited to two to three long sentences. Some of your paragraphs like this one,

It’s late, Elborn. I’m grabbing a cart...
lost me halfway through. You can probably shrink that paragraph by a half, only keep the things that are necessary for your story. Do we really need to know about her shawl and her curls?

Next is character, you don't have trouble with characters you bring them to live very easily. At the moment though, with Arlene I feel like you're spending too much with her and her thoughts. Her thoughts are just running on and on and some of those are repetitive with each other. Yes, we got a sense of her personality but at the same time we're also not getting as much of the action due to the nature of the tone you've used in portraying her thoughts. Because Arlene is alone in a forest (who is this Prince character by the way? Where did he come from? I want to see more of him!) it's a great opportunity to show off your showing skills. And you are showing us here but most of it is in the form of thoughts, so what I'm saying is that there isn't enough variety in the way you portray the character. Right now, it's very singular. Whether it is with Elborn, Arlene or Garnet most of their characterization is done via stream-of-consciousness. However that doesn't mean I don't love them though. <3

Apart from these, I have nothing more to add. I don't know how helpful this was but if you've got any questions, you can always ask me. Onwards to 2.2!

p.s: I love the name wabbits.

-Hir

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GoldFlame
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GoldFlame wrote a review Review · Oct 2, 2015

Back again!

I'll try to brush over the nitpicks quickly--gah, I'm so reluctant to criticize this. It's definitely one of my favorites, where the story and style really clicked.

Night fell quickly on the Meargro Mountains. Far quicker, in Elborn’s opinion, than it ought to. Perhaps this was because he had been in Kelm’s house earlier—


After Elborn's brief reflection on the night, it isn't mentioned again; the chapter adopts this casual, rambly tone, jumping from one thought to another.

I think it was your intent to maintain some lightheartedness. With the vivid contrast between Elborn's distress and the humor, though, I can't figure out which is supposed to dominate. We hear that the town's in a ruckus, and the writing's punctured with Elborn's internal laments over Arlene's absence, and there's even an ellipsis sealing off a paragraph--but there's also the italicized "slow," the abundance of appositive phrases, and the townspeople referred to a single entity.

The break at the second paragraph doesn't do a perfect job of distinguishing the two, and it feels a bit odd to me, as well.

Another thing: zooming out after the last chapters were spent zoomed in.

There also seems to be this necessity that each opening sentence establishes the setting. The setting's insignificant, though; the world serves as a vehicle for Elborn and Malkolm and Arlene and Evian, and it's developed just enough to nudge the plot along. The "night fell quickly" sentence might work better somewhere else, maybe.

‘not there, Meka Elborn sir, yes, she’s not there’


This quote feels a bit unnecessary and out of place; it could easily be replaced by "was not there."

in what they obviously thought was a comforting manner.


Nitpickiness: I think "apparently" might work better here.

A jigsaw formed in his head and he put the pieces together.


That whole townspeople scene, gah. I have no criticism. I lurve it <3

This sentence just read weirdly--I think it could be swapped for a simpler piece of description.

Most of them were rather small mistakes (if knowing that kind of thing matters to you)


Each character seems to be defined by a single trait--homogeneous at the same time they're vividly diverse. The only character who isn't comical is Garnet, as Arlene's thoughts run along the same course as Elborn's and Malkolm's.

And the suspense crashes as soon as we hit this part. It was a slight disappointment, that all that build-up for Arlene's disappearance would be shattered so quickly--and another character introduction for the reader to wrap their minds around.

It was the kind of thing her uncle, Elborn, would say to her.


This feels a bit forced; the narrator's trying too hard to cross-reference and knot perspectives together. It reads the same way as raw chunk of backstory.

wabbit


Elmer Fudd! I approve of this name. XD

Arlene had been mostly winded by the wall


I think "fall" was intended here, and winded-ness is usually the product of physical exertion. The talking to herself also seemed to dissolve her fear really quickly--maybe isolating those lines as single-sentence paragraphs?

(The existing single-sentence paragraphs read as melodramatic, in addition; that'll fix itself on a revision, though.)

Yesss, now that the technical stuff is over with.

I adore this. It was quirky in a way that wasn't aggressive, and it definitely kept my eyes glued to the screen. I love all the characters equally, which is rare for me--I expect that even if you introduce a murderous stonehearted coldblooded mayonnaise-lover antagonist, I'd find a way to love him.

Arlene's perspective is a really smooth read. It's a bit of a more casual tone--the initial italics felt forced, but I could look past them--and I was able to grasp the fact that she was a young girl. The narrator told me she was intelligent but simpleminded, and I received that from her actions, as well. She was just a wonderfully drawn character.

One of my favorite parts was actually the description of the boots--evidence of her family's wealth. Arlene not caring them, only wearing them because they kept out the cold, feels like it reflects something.

(My reviews are getting progressively shorter; this novel is way too easy to enjoy, egh. why must you make this so difficult)

Onto 2.2! :D

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steampowered
Review
steampowered wrote a review Review · Sep 4, 2015

Hello Pomp, steampowered here for a review and to rescue your work from the clutches of the Green Room! :D

My first thoughts were that this was really good. It really feels like we’re getting into the main story here, which makes me want to keep reading. For some reason I thought (or rather assumed) that Arlene was Elborn’s daughter, so that bit kind of threw me, but yeah. Probably best for me to not jump to so many conclusions. :P

‘Kelm has cast a Tracing spell—it’s weak, because he is no longer an Official Ixister, but it should help us with the search.’


Huh? Why can’t Malkolm do it? Surely his magic would be stronger, so it would make way more sense for him to cast the Tracing spell. Of course, he might refuse to do so, but Kelm could surely make life difficult for him if he did…

‘It’s late, Elborn. I’m grabbing a cart. You—if you’re wise, you’ll leave Kelm to sorting the villagers out and come with me. Arlene—she—’ Garnet paused for a second and wiped her face. ‘I will search all of Adreitus if I have to,’ she said firmly, glaring at Elborn. She walked away from him and towards the square, where a number of horse carts had been assembled. Her numerous shawls trailed after her and her bright golden curls bobbed on her head as she climbed into one of the carts and meddled with the lyte-fixtures. Elborn wrinkled his nose. Horse carts. It was so very primitive. He remembered his WAGON, currently dismantled and lying in a heap in the middle of his Mekanik Workshop. It would have been so useful right now, Elborn thought, twisting the material of his waistcoat between his fists in frustration. He stared at the horse carts, then at Kelm, then at the lyte-fixtures. A jigsaw formed in his head and he put the pieces together. He was sure he had a set of pre-written engarvments at home, tiles which had been prepared for his WAGON, but which were useless now. If he could get Kelm to bind those engarvments with another magical object, like the lyte-fixtures, he could…


I found this really hard to read. Maybe split this up into more paragraphs? Also, I can see now that WAGON was deliberately capitalised – so maybe it’s an acronym, like TARDIS? But we have no idea what it stands for or what it really is, so perhaps some more explanation would be good.

Another nitpick:

She had wanted to look respectable for her meeting with Ixister Quixa, whom Prince had promised he would take her to.


It reads kind of clunky. Maybe “to whom Prince had promised he would take her”? Or maybe that’s just as bad… eh heh. :P

1) It would eat her, digging its claws into her body and nibbling on her appendages as dessert.
2) It would kill her and toss her body into a corner.


Probably my favourite bit…

A wabbit raced after him, slime trailing down its grossly elongated body, its fangs gleaming in the moonlight.


OK, I’m really sorry but this image just made me laugh. “Wabbit”? It sounds like a child’s way of saying “rabbit” but this is clearly a ferocious beast. Maybe consider changing the name, or maybe this is intentional for laughs. In which case, what the heck. Just keep it. :P

I really like your style and I’m intrigued to find out more about Prince. Is he a prince, or is that just his name? And is he Arlene’s boyfriend? Arlene seems interesting too, although I don’t feel I know her very well. Hopefully she’ll be developed more in later sections / chapters. Is she the main character?

Erm, I think that’s it. I really liked this section though and it was possibly my favourite out of all the ones I read so far. And I’m going to read on. Looking forward to seeing what happens with that… eh heh… wabbit! :D

TheCrimsonLady wrote a review Review · Aug 12, 2015

Pompsicles!

I adore this chapter. (And yay, you either took my suggestion to write Arlene's POV or were planning on it anyway! Both make me happy.) Nice time jump and cliffhanger, by the way.

Nitpickies! (Not very many this time.)

Mathematical precision was not Arlene’s forte, let it be said.)

I think this would read better had you said 'Let it be said that mathematical precision was not Arlene's forte.'

Two years ago, she had discovered this strange power as one that all humans possessed, but very few understood.

Humans? She is human (I think, and if not, you'd best clear that up.). Change human to people so that this doesn't read like a bad sci-fi novel, XD.

The bottom of the hole had been soft, too, so Arlene had been mostly winded by the wall but not seriously hurt.

That, I feel should have been mentioned when you told us Arlene was in a hole. It's rather out of place here...

I think I'll start with the characters today.

You presented Garnet very well. I love the description of the "cold in her eyes", and I liked that you showed us some of her steely personality at the very end. I think she balances out Elborn very well. You maintained Elborn's character quite well, putting in the right amount of worry and desperation, yet keeping hints of his pride in there. (Nooooo, no Malkolm! WHY, I LOVE HIM!)

On to Arlene, whom I feel like makes up most of the chapter. She's perfectly annoyed and desperate about having fallen into a hole. (Also, I think her character is perfect for being Elborn's niece. She has Garnet's steel and Elborn's creativity and self-possession. I especially like the part where she told herself she wasn't a damsel in distress or a princess. Nice characterization there. Prince's introduction is hilarious- I can't wait to see him again.However, I do wish her 'reasons for why she did this' were a bit better. I liked the bit about being possessed, but being a very good liar isn't a reason for this, you see, it's something that helps. It's the perfect opportunity to throw in a hint or two about her plans, though...

I loved the way you threw in bits of description in the cave (How do you do that?!). I just wish that Elborn had mentioned how Arlene looked (not that that's really criticism, it's really just an I-wish comment.) The very beginning, with Elorn- great description there, too. I especially like the part where he's riding in the cart. You could tell us what the glowy tiles (I want some!) do, though, unless there's to be a big reveal later on.

A side note- the very fact that the creature's name is a wabbit makes it very cute and certainly not scary. I actually burst into laughter at the end. (Is it a fanged rabbit?)

Not much plot in this chapter, I feel like, but all the new characters make up for that. Also, same note I give always- more omniscient narrator. Right now, I feel like they don't have a tone, or a voice. Inserting dry wit here and there from the narrator could help with that particular obstacle. You actually did this in 1.1, to a degree, and I wish you hadn't stopped. Finally, the best thing about having an omniscient narrator in a novel that reads like it's a fairy tale is that you don't need the squiggly line dot line thingy (sorry, I don't know what it's called); instead, you can have a paragraph of narration (i.e. At that very moment, in a distant set of mountains, Arlene was struggling to...). It makes for cleaner chapters (I think), and gives you more omniscienty narrator.

Hope this helps,
~Annekins



I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling