~1049 words
Chapter Ten
Whose woods these are, I think I know
The train trundled along the track, past
Wayshire and under hills, through tunnels and over bridges, crossing over a
plateau and huffing and chuffing peacefully as the land undulated and the
slopes relaxed.
Inside their carriage, Evian had tired of pacing and was sitting with his back
against the wall, legs splayed out in front of him. Somewhere two hours into
the journey, Lira had fallen asleep. She was curled in a corner near the door,
her feet tucked underneath her, her scarf slipping over her eyes. She snored
lightly. Evian looked at her with something akin to envy. His body was
rebelling against him; he felt as if his bones were crumbling, as if his skeleton
was made of sticks and someone was constantly trying to snap them in two. He
rubbed his eyes. He wanted to sleep. But even as he tried to relax, a wave of
anxiety washed over him, and he recounted the events of the last twenty-four
hours with resounding clarity.
The Office. Running through the streets. Luin calling after him. The chase. The
vampires. Dreaming and suddenly remembering a face he hadn’t seen in fifteen
years. It was like his past was a crocodile, Evian thought, the crocodiles you
could find in the swamps by Alteria, the coastal city. For a long time the
crocodile had held its snout beneath the murky water, and now it had decided to
jump up and snap at Evian for all it was worth. It was incredibly unfair, after
all he had been through, for this to happen to him. There were more than 170 million people in Adreitus, and for
all misfortunes to come tumbling down on him was something most Ixisters would
term as ‘highly improbable’.
Stuff their improbability, Evian
thought viciously, flicking a long-ish strand of his orange hair as it hung in
front of his eyes. He felt restless, but he did not want to get up, so he lay
that way for a while, blowing at his hair and watching it flutter above his
eyes, bemused.
Somehow, his thoughts always found their way back to the Orb. He had wanted to
go to see the Blacksmiths. For a long time, Evian had kept his feelings about
the monarch under wraps—in fact, for a long time he had even supported King Trent. But the king was
just a ceremonial figure now, and after the way Eleanor had been taken from him
eight months ago, he was not really sure he wanted the king—and the Inspektors—to
remain in power anymore.
The Blacksmiths were the answer. Evian was sure of it. He felt for the tiny
strip of paper that hung around his neck, on a glistening blue chain, the paper
he kept on his person at all times. Once he found Edith, he decided, he would
get the Orb back. He knew one of the
more outlandish Ixisters might be willing to help him, and as he leaned back, rubbing
the red slip of paper between his fingers, he allowed himself to marvel at how
his life had changed so fast. The Evian he was today was not half the Evian he
had been yesterday.
He would have liked to think he was twice
the man, but he knew he was probably not.
He jumped as the train made a strange noise, rather as if it was choking on its
own fuel. He sat up, feeling suddenly like he couldn’t breathe. Drawing a deep
breath in and shutting his eyes, he leaned against a cardboard box. Holding the strip of paper before his eyes, he
looked at it again, memorising the blue pattern that curved along the long edge.
Silver numbers were printed on the underside of the paper; Evian flipped it
around. 001378. He thought it might be a date, but it was two-hundred years
behind even the great Vampire-Human-Blacksmith war of 1556. After he had bought the Orb off the tinkers,
they had handed him this slip, with the password on it. He had not considered
it wise to tell Warren about it.
It was probably the smartest thing he had done in a while.
As Evian tucked the piece of paper back beneath his shirt, the train screeched
to a halt. It was so sudden that Evian went crashing into the wall in front of
him, the boxes all slipping and sliding in the windowless carriage, too. He
held his arms out in front of him to keep his head from banging into the wall.
On the opposite end of the carriage, Lira flailed and collided with a rather
large box. She let out an ‘oomph’.
‘Wha’ ’appen?’ she asked groggily, peering over at him from the top of said
box. One of the cartons behind her had toppled over, a large collection of
jackdaw feather quills gracing the compartment floor.
‘I’m not … sure,’ Evian said, slightly dazed himself. His head was throbbing. ‘The
train stopped.’
Lira shook her head and pulled her scarf back as she stood. She slid the
compartment door open with some difficulty. She gasped.
Evian stuck his head out, too. His mouth fell open. People all along the train
were leaning out of the windows, some shouting to others and asking what had
gone wrong. Trees, large, black and looming, seemed to hang like curtains on
this side of the train. It was dark, and Evian was not sure if this was because
they were in the middle of a forest, or because it was evening. He peered into
the gloom, wishing someone had thought of putting up lanterns along the track.
He saw something heading towards them, lumbering out from behind a tree—there
was one, no … three of them, Evian
realised. He rubbed his jaw, starting slightly as the figures got clearer. Leshies.
In tree form, with bright green eyes peering out from behind their excessive
foliage. Their faces were weathered, their arms thin and covered in ivy. They
stared directly at Evian as they approached, their faces morphing into
something distinctly … humanlike. Their skin paled. They smiled at him and
their teeth were yellow, bits of moss substituting for gums.
Evian gulped. He looked down at Lira and heaved a deep breath.
‘I know where we are.’
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Only two more chapters before I've filled in the gaps. It seems a shame to give in now and it really is too early for a nap!
Specifics
1. Why is Lira's scarf slipping over her eyes? Is it a head scarf? If so, I've forgotten that detail and I think inserting the word 'head' would help to give the reader a fuller picture.
2. Wait, Eleanor has only been dead eight months? The way Evian thinks about it, I'd always thought it was many years since you had things like him not being able to remember whether he was awkward around her etc. I think you may need to read through some of the earlier sections and make that grief fresher as it felt very much like an old wound to me.
Overall
And here we are, back with the Leshies!
This chapter's very short and feels like its been padded out with historical details to try and draw it out. I think you could cut some of that fluff and then combine it with the next chapter since if my memory serves correctly that follows straight on from these events.
I'm also thinking it's a very dialogue light chapter which is a shame because we're so far into the story and I feel like the characters haven't interacted with each other much (except perhaps Malkolm and Kelm). Instead of describing countryside, this would be a good opportunity for Lira and Evian to talk more and start building a bond or developing their characters. A little scenery description in each chapter is nice but it shouldn't be more prominent than the plot and characterisation.
That's all I have for this one!
~Heather
Hello, steampowered here with a short review! I really like how you’ve started to introduce even more information about the world, and ended the chapter with both a bit of mystery and a bit of tension. So let’s get started!
Just a question, but what kind of culture and country were you basing Adreitus off? Because the Wayshire thing instantly makes me think of England… I’m assuming it’s a mix of places though.
I’d personally write this as “a hundred and seventy million” or “one hundred and seventy million” just so it feels a bit more literary. I personally find numerals tend to jump off the page at me.
Also, this chapter is a lot shorter than many of the others… some of your chapters are so long they have to be posted in multiple parts, but this one barely scrapes 1,000 words. I’m wondering what’s going on there.
Anyway, have a fabulous day, and I’ll review more of your work in a bit! It’s only just hit me how far behind I am…
-steampowered-
Hey, Pomp! Back again for chapter 10!
This, on the other hand, I do not get. (Holy commas, Batman!) You have way too many phrases in one sentence, and I can't help but feel like this could be avoided by cutting this sentence up or cutting parts of it out. (And unless his hair is bemused, the last bit should be "blowing at his hair and, bemused, watching it flutter above his eyes". A note—is he confused or amused? Because "bemused" is "confused", and it doesn't seem to fit with Evian's mood.)This chapter, like the last, I don't have any big comments on, so pardon if I come across as a little scatterbrained! My biggest comment would echo Nix, in that I feel this scene isn't totally necessary and it could probably do with a healthy dose of cut-and-trim, but I get that it's an LMS first draft.
A lot of the details in this chapter could have been conveyed somewhere else, and about eight hundred words of this could suffer to be cut, I think. I don't have much to say not because not much is wrong (I'm sure I could find a hundred things to talk about), but because I know, in the end, this scene shouldn't really matter. You could probably start with the train stopping instead, which nullifies most of the internal monologue here.
Most of what I see in the internal monologue is repetitive, anyway; it involves things the reader already knows, with the rare exception of the password on the slip of paper, which might have been previously stated and I just didn't know it.
Of course, this is LMS, so there's always the next chapter to look forward to. Keep writing!
This is Yams here for probably a really bad review!
Okay, so I haven't been reading or read the other Tryal's Curse stuff except for the first few chapters, but here we go.
My main problem with this is that I feel like you're dragging the whole chapter out just to get it out. Nobody really wants to read them sitting on a train for a whole chapter, you could've made it short instead of long, but you made it long. If you made it short it wouldn't be painful to get through. On the other side, I like the suspense you built up with the cliffhanger at the end, and that was satisfying.
With a clearer read through I guess it did matter to the plot? But it still felt like I was just reading paint dry, to be honest with you. The train felt as slow as the plot in this one. I feel like I don't know if you should've dragged this out or not though, it's your decision and I won't try to make you cut it shorter, as it did have some positives.
Outside of that, we got some beautiful writing and word choice along with some suspense and thrill to it near the end.
The chapter felt like a train itself, slow, slow, slow, then faster, faster, fast.
Have a great day and I hope you don't hate me for sucking at reviewing!
It's not a sucky review at all! You pointed out a very valid criticism--stretching the beginning out is something that I've started doing for LMS
out of desperation, simply so I have 800 solid words to turn in by midnight. So it is like vomiting chunks of dry paint onto the screen, yeah.Thanks so much for reviewing!