Unknown Story Chap. 4 part 3

Knall was running as fast as he could towards a nearby bush. He dove into it and let his antenna poke out of the bush to sense his surroundings. The humans were no longer chasing him. Knall reached behind him and pulled out the arrow that was stuck in his…

Knall stood up and looked around. It was defiantly a clear field. He stood up to his full eight feet and stepped out of the bush and continued to head for the Rythrin Forest, checking the map he had recently stolen.

He finally made it to the edge of a large tangle of dark trees. Knall’s blank yellow eyes surveyed the dark forest. He stepped into the darkness, his eyes automatically utilizing its night vision capability. He easily found that there were no clearings big enough to settle in permanently. A very small amount of light poked thought the tops of the trees that were very far away. It very quickly became dark as he continued his walk through the forest.

Knall was surprised he didn’t meet any of the usual creatures he found when he traversed a normal forest. Strange noises echoed through the thicket of trees. Knall cocked his head to the side. One sounded like a screech the other a flapping.

Knall ventured deeper into the thicket of tangled trees, almost crawling over them. He eventually found a very small clearing with a large, magnificent tree in the center. Knall gazed higher to find the tree disappeared into the darkness. He lightly touched the mangled bark and thought Sorry. Knall dug his claws into the bark and started to climb the behemoth.

He was about eighteen thousand arms lengths up when the tree looped around into a knot and shot out into several different branches. There was a platform at the intersection of all the branches big enough for a fair sized tent to stand on. Knall sat down and surveyed his surroundings. When he confirmed that there were no immediate dangers present he lightly touched his head down upon the soft bark of the tree and closed his eyes…

~*~*~

Khor awoke with the faint taste of smoke in his lips. He leaned up to look around. The smoldering fire beside him let up a small string of smoke wrapping around the sky. He packed up his blanket and stamped out the remains of the fire. His eyelids were half closed as he covered the traces of his stay there.

Khor continued on his way. Little did he know three weeks ago that he’d be running through the outside world, trying to avoid capture by the Shades? It was true he hadn’t seen another Shade since the night Jhere died but he’d stopped in a tiny outpost by a river and a ship captain said the Shades were sighted everywhere Khor had been.

Of course the poor man didn’t know this but Khor had been keeping close track of where he had most recently visited. A couple of weeks latter it was found to be burned to the ground.

Khor stepped out of the small forest into brilliant sunshine. He saw a tall building through slitted eyes. He smiled and continued at a brisker pace. He soon discovered it seemed to be one very large tower with many other small buildings gathered tightly around it. At the top of the wooden tower seemed to be a spire at least twice as long as the tower itself. At the tip of the spire was a platform probably only large enough to comfortably seat three people and a few supplies. Though Khor couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to live that high.

As he approached the town he saw a variety of livestock. There was a tri-horned beast, roughly the size of a cow. It had pale yellow skin with small flecks of grey. As he examined one closely he saw it had utters as one a cow.

Also scattered around the field were large birds that would come up to Khor’s waist. They were leathery black with long brown legs that had no feathers. Its beak was very long and sharp.

As Khor stepped further from the small forest he saw the small town was nestled in front of the Rythrin Forest. He continued through the fields and saw he was getting closer to some small houses made of wood. As he continued walking the buildings got closer together and were more numerous. They also became built of more durable material such as iron or scrap metal.

He gazed into the sky again. The tower stood tall and proud in the center of the small city. Light reflected of off large silver nets hanging out of the small platform on top of the spire. There were tiny glimmering object dangling in the nets. Khor bumped into a man because he wasn’t watching where he was going. The man kindly said,

“Sorry.” And ran off.

Khor smiled.

Khor saw many different shoppers bustling around the busy streets. As Khor passed the windows of shops he found many strange and amusing items. Sorcerer’s gauntlets, warrior’s robes, magician’s caps, and weapons, lots and lots of weapons.

Poleax, quarterstaff, halberd, triton, heavy axe, med axe, light axe, throwing axes, long bows, short bows, metal tipped arrows, hallow arrows, crossbows, broad sword, cutlass, bastard sword, long sword, short sword, rapier, scimitar, katana, long knife, short knife, club, spiked club, metal club, hand club, mace, chained mace, flanged mace, morning star, shuriken, kunai, wizard staff, wooden staff, metal staff, slingshots, shields, helmets, chest plate, arm guards, leggings, boots, gauntlets, torches, lanterns, oleo, and brass knuckles.

Unfortunately Khor had no money. He continued to wander the busy city street when he accidentally knocked into someone else and sent their bags flying all over the street. He bent down to help the person pick them up. With his face down Khor said “Really sorry about that.”

“That’s all right. Didn’t see where I was going.” Replied a sweet girl’s voice. He looked up and saw a beautiful girl about his age. She had black hair and green eyes. “Uh…” came Khor’s voice stupidly.

“See ya.” She replied as she continued on her way. Khor stood there, watching her leave. He turned around and started to walk away. With one last look back he left the busy streets and entered a weapons shop.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:19 pm

Generally I liked this but I do have one piece of criticism - drop the weapons list. It's okay to mention a few of the different weapons and describe them a little but don't just list items like that. It's rather boring and pointless. Other than that though, I liked it and I found just a few typos -

It was [s]defiantly[/s] defineately a clear field.

A very small amount of light poked [s]thought[/s] through the tops of the trees that were very far away.

Knall was surprised he didn’t meet any of the usual creatures he found when he traversed a normal forest. [I thought he lived his whole life in the mining area and had never seen a forest before? So why would he be familiar with the sort of animals you see there...]

Khor awoke with the faint taste of smoke [s]in[/s] on his lips.

A couple of weeks [s]latter[/s] later it was found to be burned to the ground.

As he examined one closely he saw it had utters [I think you mean udders] [s]as one[/s] like a cow.

Light reflected off [s]off[/s] of large silver nets hanging out of the small platform on top of the spire.

There were tiny glimmering objects dangling in the nets.

User avatar
Fishr
Review
Fishr wrote a review · Fri Jul 06, 2007 9:37 pm

Hello there.

I noticed two things that I didn't approve of, and is the use of using your character's names in the begining of every line. It was quite annoying for the reader so try and watch for that.

Example:

Knallstood up and looked around. It was defiantly a clear field. He stood up to his full eight feet and stepped out of the bush and continued to head for the Rythrin Forest, checking the map he had recently stolen.


Knall was surprised he didn’t meet any of the usual creatures he found when he traversed a normal forest. Strange noises echoed through the thicket of trees. Knall cocked his head to the side. One sounded like a screech the other a flapping.

Knall ventured deeper into the thicket of tangled trees, almost crawling over them. He eventually found a very small clearing with a large, magnificent tree in the center. Knall gazed higher to find the tree disappeared into the darkness. He lightly touched the mangled bark and thought Sorry. Knall dug his claws into the bark and started to climb the behemoth.


We know that the paragrpah is about Knall but his first name doesn't need to be repeated constantly. Try using "he." It's a very useful word. ;) But see where it's bolded? There's too much repetition of the char's name. It needs to be edited.

Secondly, truthfully your knowledge of weaponry is slim at best. It's as if you got all your information about the names of these weapons from a video game. Diablo 2 came to mind. ;)

I have been collecting weapons so to speak for a couple of years now, mostly vintage knives and bayonets. My oldest is a socket British-style bayonet from the American Revolution. I also have several instruments of war from WW2. I just picked up a French bayo from 1868 four days ago. So from a collector's point of view, and for a person who LOVES militery tactics/discussions/the brutality of wars/aftermath, etc.; yes, unfortunately your knowledge of weaponry needs work. You must educate yourself.
http://www.bladeforums.com/forums/forum ... .php?f=691

This link is mostly for identification purposes but it will help you to hone in on the great many weapons of the past and today, and not JUST midevil ones as you listed.

To further, there is no greater way in understanding "melee" weapons then going out into the field and studying them up close, and asking the seller questions. Go to flee markets, antique stores, gun and knife shows, etc. Experience is everything. A book can only teach a beginner so much. THat is why observing such weapons is crucial in understanding how they were used to the soldier's advantage.

Thirdly, listing the weapons is quite pointless. What's the real purpose? Is it really to show what the shopkeeper had available or an oppertunity to show your geekdom? :) I suggest to cut down on the list of weapons, and better yet, don't list them at all. As I said, I don't understand the neccesity.

Forthly, to further again on your weaponry knowledge; it's good you know most of the common names of midevil items but do you really know each and everyone's potencial in battle? ;) For example, the broad sword versus the claymore. Which one is the heaviest (or cumbersome) to carry? ;) This is a test for you - testing your knowledge base. :) If you are not sure, it's perfectly fine. All it means is that you need to do more researching.

Finally, be careful on your choice of weapons. Surikens I believe, though I never collected them are a Japanese or modern weapons. So is brass knuckles. A polearm by today's standards is obsolete in battles, and hasn't been used in my country (USA) for several centuries. I'd decide on a time frame and go with those weapons of that period - modern or past.

Good luck and if you have questions, PMing is the fastest way of reaching me. Cheers!

EDIT: Just noticed this. Katanas are a Japanese sword. How did the shopkeeper end up with a weapon from Asia?! ;)

User avatar
greenjay
Review

Sweet! Goodjob again.

Okay to corrections:

He was about eighteen thousand arms lengths up when the tree looped around into a knot and shot out into several different branches.


Eighteen thousand is a bit much, how about some realism. I'd say 100 feet, or something of the sort.


Khor smiled.

He saw many different shoppers bustling around the busy streets, and as Khor passed the windows of shops he found many strange and amusing(i'd say cut this underlined part) items


Poleaxes (or, "A poleaxe"), quarterstaves, halberds, tritons, heavy axes, med axe, light axe,(cut) throwing axes, long bows, short bows, metal tipped arrows, hallow arrows, crossbows, broad swords, cutlasses, bastard swords, long swords, short swords, rapiers, scimitars, katanas, long knives, short knives, clubs, spiked clubs, metal clubs, hand clubs, maces, chained maces(flail is the technicle name), flanged maces, morning stars, shurikens, kunais, wizard staves, wooden staves, metal staves, slingshots, shields, helmets, chest plates, arm guards, leggings, boots, gauntlets, torches, lanterns, oleos, and brass knuckles.


Goodjob! PM when there is more!

-Me again



You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things...
— Gone With the Wind