~Chapter Five~
Tied to Darkness
Inside the shop Khor saw a large variety of weapons. There were also many people wandering around, looking at some of the stranger weapons. The shop was basically a large square room. On one wall was a counter where consumers could buy a weapon. One the other three walls were windows. And displayed in the windows were many weapons neatly arranged on pillows or stands.
Khor approached a window. As he walked down the row there were over twenty weapons displayed. Most of which he had learned to use in the academy. He lightly ran his fingertips over the smooth glass. An employee came over to him and said “Can I help you with something?” Khor looked at him, than at the weapons display. “Just browsing, thanks.” He returned his gaze to the display sadly. I might need more than Melden to protect myself against the Shades. No offense. He thought tapping Melden. Khor heard a tiny bell ring as he exited the shop and returned to the busy streets.
Outside the sun started to plummet into the small hills surrounding the town. I should probably find a place to sleep. He thought. I don’t have enough money to rent a room. I’ll have to leave town and set up camp. Khor saw the shoppers retreat back into their houses as the sun crept closer to hills. He readjusted his pack and walked towards the outskirts of town.
Khor easily noticed the streets were completely deserted. One moment before and they were packed with busy shoppers. He didn’t think much more of it and continued to journey for the hills enclosing the small town.
Khor wrapped the thick blanket around himself and gazed at the roaring flames. He made camp about two hills away from the town. The stars winked down on the scenery and the moon shed light on it. Khor’s shadow guardian stood guard on the other side of the campfire. It gazed up at the stars and almost seemed to sigh. Khor could sense the shadow’s feelings.
It wished to be free. To be as free as the stars themselves. The guardian realized Khor was staring at him and quickly returned his gaze the burning embers. Khor slowly closed his eyes and lightly drifted off to sleep.
When Khor awoke the next morning the shadow guard was still standing there, looking at the charred logs. Khor sat up and looked at him. The shadow gave a nod and slipped back down and merged with Khor’s shadow. Khor stood up and brushed twigs off of himself. He kicked the remains of the fire and put it out completely. Khor gathered his blanket and other supplies. He looked back to were the town was. He headed for it.
When he reached the summit of the last hill he saw the familiar tower with the silver nets hanging off of it. He smiled as he walked even closer to the town. As he approached he saw that there were even more shoppers than yesterday. He squeezed through the streets as he looked through all the windows and gazed at the displays. There was a large white building made of brick near the central tower.
As he approached he saw the words Library in lopsided golden letters over the doorway. The doors were open and they let sunshine stream in and penetrate the dim light inside. He entered. Khor could see pigeons sleeping in the rafters. Inside the ceiling seem to stretch on forever lined with books as far as the eye could see. Few people were wandering inside and it was very quiet. He approached a desk set up in the middle of all the stone shelves. When he reached it he noticed the girl from yesterday watching him approach.
Her green eyes meeting his blue. When he finally made it to the front desk he stood there for a moment. “Uh….” He said stupidly.
“Can I help you?” She said politely. Dang it! She doesn’t remember me!
“Do you have book on katanas?” He replied. Her smile disappeared slightly.
“Follow me.”
She got up and walked around the desk. Khor followed wordlessly. Come on! Think of something to say! Something engaging and sweet! “Uh…” She turned around and stopped. They stood there silent.
“Never mind.”
She turned around again and continued to walk. Khor put his hand on his face. Suuuuuuuuuuck!!! You idiot! Khor sighed. Okay, stay quiet until we reach the books. Then you can thank her and, something! She finally came to a halt near the front of the library.
She gestured to the rack next to them.
“This is our section on weapons and armor. Do you need anymore help?” Besides breathing?
“Um, no. Thanks…” He waited for an answer and when none came he continued. “No.” When she walked off he slammed his head on the book shelf causing a few pigeons to fly away.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I'm starting to like Khor a little better. Here are a few suggestions -
On[s]e[/s] the other three walls were windows.
Khor looked at him, [s]than[/s] then at the weapons display.
Khor saw the shoppers retreat back into their houses as the sun crept closer to the hills.
Khor [s]easily[/s] noticed the streets were completely deserted[s]. One moment before and[/s] but then they were packed with busy shoppers.
The guardian realized Khor was staring at him and quickly returned his gaze to the burning embers.
He looked back to where the town was.
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The love interest is cute but I think Khor is obsessing over weapons a little too much. The chapter was well written though and you're certainly improving. I can't wait to see your latest section...
Cool! I don't have too much to say...you should probably legthen (give more detail and explaination) the part with the shadow Guardian and the girl. Both parts seemed rushed. The shadow guardian thing doesn't make a whole lot of sense, (needs some more explaination) and the part with the girl is a bit cheese.
The rest was good though and it is coming a long!
-The Jay of Green
I've gotten out of touch with this, and thanks to the bug, I can't find the other bits in your 'folio.
Your actual writing is better here than in your first chapter.
Comma between "shop" and "Khor".
Do you mean customers?
Run the last two sentances together so it flows better.
Add something like this in to make it run better.
Run the last two sentances together.
Comma needed between "said" and the beginning of the speech.
Start a new paragraph for Khor's dialogue; you've already got the assistant talking in this one.
Comma to end speech, and small letter on "he".
Comma after "outside".
Comma, and small letter.
Duh, of course he'd easily notice something like that.
This is one long paragraph of lots of short, choppy sentances. Run them together to make a few long ones that give us all the data smoothly.
Comma after "approached"
Words = word.
Comma before "library".
Here, you essentially say the same thing twice.
This seems to stand up without anything covering it, if you know what I mean.
Small letter!
Commas here.
Nice job showing Khor's fumbling efforts with the girl at the library! He's got faults! Yippeee!
*ahem*
Anyway, good job.