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Young Writers Society



Unknown Story Chap. 8 part 5

by Poltergiest


~*~*~

Knall jerked his head up and looked around. Of course, he didn’t see anything. Darkness closed all around the entire crevice. He rolled over and felt Skyzer sleeping gently. Knall silently rose to a crouch and slowly crept over to the edge of the resting spot. His hand eventually reached the edge of the spot and he stopped. A small breeze of air lightly kissed him on the face and he lay on his belly, overlooking the vast amount of darkness below. Knall heard a faint squawk far below. He looked back and heard Skyzer patter over. The griffon lay next to Knall and looked down below as well. Knall pet Skyzer on the head and looked back over.

Knall could feel his magical energy being restored quickly. Knall closed his eyes and flexed his arms. The magic was automatically healing his tired muscles, leaving them fresh and replenished. Knall took in a deep breath and let the cool air fill up his lungs and mouth. Knall noticed there seemed to be more fresh air as he climbed higher. When he first entered the tunnel, there was nothing but foul, reeking air. Knall figured he could begin climbing again once his magical energy was at least two-thirds restored.

Knall reached inside his inky flesh and seized the fist sized piece of mirror. The piece gather all light in the area and reflected it out. Considering the fact that there was not much light in the area it didn’t shine very far. Knall shut his eyes quickly and was almost blinded by the tiny amount of light. His eyes had grown used to the darkness and were now afraid of the light.

Eventually his eyes adjusted and he gazed into the small stone. It shone back even brighter as Knall cradled it in his hand. Knall looked across at Skyzer who was just as mesmerized by it as Knall was. His hazel eyes were bright and his facial expressions were illuminated by one small stone. Knall looked back at it as its light began to fade. Soon they were left in darkness again. Knall returned it safely into himself and half- stood, half-crouched. Knall felt his antenna brush the roof of the crevice and he reached down to pick up the tiny griffon.

Knall put his hand close to his back and Skyzer climbed onto the area where his shoulder and the back of his neck met. He wrapped his front legs around Knall’s neck and squawked softly. Knall got to the edge of the crevice and turned around to face the room where he had just slept. He awkwardly reached up and behind to dig his nails into the perfectly smooth stone. This time it didn’t hurt as much because of the magical energy protecting his hands and feet.

He pulled hard and had to climb with only his hand for a few feet and then he reached up with his foot and dug his claws into the stone as well. And so Knall climbed. It was an extremely long climb. This one was just as unpleasant as the last but not as painful. Sweat rolled off of Knall’s forehead freely and he felt the small amount of wind pick it up and flicked it away. Knall shifted and looked down. Only darkness. He returned his attention to the climb and reached up once more.

Air! He brought his hand down and his claw scrabbled around on the top of the tower. Knall pulled his body up and fell on his belly. The top let out a soft, pure light and engulfed the entire tower, tunnel, and Knall. The light shone everywhere, chasing the darkness away. The entire world began to glow white and then it faded.

Knall was on his belly, in a hallway of the tower he had entered, what seemed like years ago. Dim torches burned in the stone hallway, lighting the cleaning washed floor. Knall stood and grabbed Skyzer from his back. He held him in his arms and whispered, “Yes.” He took a step in the direction of the door at the end of the hallway and stopped to turn back.

A bare stone wall was there. He turned and headed for the door. When he began to get close he heard crashes from behind him. He whipped around and there was now and wooden door where there was only stone wall before. Dang it! He ran for the other door and reached out to grasp the knob.

When he wrenched back the door, darkness crowded a small room. It had a stone, winding staircase and glassless window. Rain was pouring in from the windows and Knall saw lightning streak across the dark sky. He ran up the stairs, four at a time, and almost slipped a number of times on a wet step.

Knall heard a crash behind him and knew the dead had burst through the door leading to the stairway. He quickened his pace. The dead jumped from wall to wall, scaling the stairs much quicker than Knall. But he was already very close to the top.

When Knall did reach the top a wooden trap door was blocking his way. He pushed at it with his shoulder and it gave way. When Knall stepped out unto the top of the tower, rain hit him in the face and he was instantly drenched. Thunder roared and lightning streaked across the black sky.

“!” Shouted Knall above the roar of thunder. The trapdoor closed itself and white light burst from the door way. He heard a loud clunk! And knew the door had locked. “!” He shouted. A yellow force field shimmered around the door.

Knall looked up and saw there was no where left to go. The top of the tower was about forty feet in circumference and had a waist-high wall with jagged notches in it. Knall rushed up to the edge of one and looked down. Far below, thousands of dead were still pouring into the entrance of the tower.

Knall spread his hand and thrust it towards the mass of dead. “!!” His voice became deep and powerful as he screamed the spell. A pure streak of lightning stabbed through the clouds and rushed towards the army below.

The bolt struck a large amount of dead and the dust that remained was blown into the rain and wind. The others were unharmed, however, and they continued to rush through the door. Infuriated, Knall whipped around and saw the door begin to buckle. It moaned under the strain that was put on it.

Knall’s mind swam with what he could do. After calculating several possibilities he realized that they all ended unpleasantly. There was only one thing to do. He backed up to the edge, facing the trapdoor. The door burst open and the shield faded simultaneously. Dead filled the top of the tower quickly. Knall was surrounded; he put his foot on the waist-high wall and pushed…


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2631 Reviews


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Sat Sep 15, 2007 7:48 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



A good chapter, my friend but a few typos the others missed and you should replace some of the 'Knall's with 'the shade' and such.

Sweat rolled off of Knall’s forehead freely and he felt the small amount of wind pick it up and flick[s]ed[/s] it away.

Dim torches burned in the stone hallway, lighting the cleaning washed floor. [coor=red][Doesn't make sense. Re-write it.][/color]

He whipped around and there was now [s]and[/s] a wooden door where there was only stone wall before.

When Knall stepped out [s]unto[/s] onto the top of the tower, rain hit him in the face and he was instantly drenched.

The trapdoor closed itself and white light burst from the [s]door way[/s] doorway.

Knall looked up and saw there was [s]no where[/s] nowhere left to go.




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Thu Jul 26, 2007 4:11 pm
greenjay says...



Cool! This is a sweet part. Goodjob!

-the green one




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Wed Jul 25, 2007 11:42 pm
sokool15 wrote a review...



Sweeeeet chapter! Good job...um, do you still want me to crit here, even though you gave me the whole thing? I'm reading it now, and I could keep critting here if you want, or not. Let me know.

Anyway, good job...The Shadowy Twitty thing got a lot of the stuff, and it's pretty good...

Yours absolutely, 8)




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Wed Jul 25, 2007 10:55 pm
Twit wrote a review...



Chan, good, tho. :)

Pol wrote:Knall pet Skyzer on the head and looked back over.


Pet = petted? Patted?


Pol wrote:Knall could feel his magical energy being restored quickly. Knall closed his eyes and flexed his arms. The magic was automatically healing his tired muscles, leaving them fresh and replenished. Knall took in a deep breath and let the cool air fill up his lungs and mouth. Knall noticed there seemed to be more fresh air as he climbed higher. When he first entered the tunnel, there was nothing but foul, reeking air. Knall figured he could begin climbing again once his magical energy was at least two-thirds restored.


Here's something I have trouble with, except with me, it's using I and not a name. This paragraph is made up of seven sentances, and all but two start with the name Knall. Change this; use another word, different sentance structure, but don't repeat the name so often.


Pol wrote:The piece gather all light in the area and reflected it out.


Gather = gathered.


Pol wrote:Eventually his eyes adjusted and he gazed into the small stone. It shone back even brighter as Knall cradled it in his hand. Knall looked across at Skyzer who was just as mesmerized by it as Knall was. His hazel eyes were bright and his facial expressions were illuminated by one small stone. Knall looked back at it as its light began to fade. Soon they were left in darkness again. Knall returned it safely into himself and half- stood, half-crouched. Knall felt his antenna brush the roof of the crevice and he reached down to pick up the tiny griffon.


The repetition thing again.


Pol wrote:Knall put his hand close to his back and Skyzer climbed onto the area where his shoulder and the back of his neck met. He wrapped his front legs around Knall’s neck and squawked softly.


Don't want to be soppy, but Skyzer sounds real cute. :wink:


Pol wrote:And so Knall climbed.


Not a good idea to start a sentance with and or but or because unless you absolutely have to.


Pol wrote:It had a stone, winding staircase and glassless window.


Change this to It had a winding stone staircase...


Pol wrote:He whipped around and there was now and wooden door where there was only stone wall before.


Ouch, choppy sentance here. Definately in need of a rewrite.


Pol wrote:He ran up the stairs, four at a time, and almost slipped a number of times on a wet step.


Nix repeating time so soon.


Pol wrote:“!” Shouted Knall above the roar of thunder.


*sobs* Small letter.


Pol wrote:He heard a loud clunk! And knew the door had locked.


Nix the exclamation mark and small a on and.


Pol wrote:“!” He shouted.


*screams* SMALL LETTER!!!!!


Pol wrote:“!!


Nix the second exclamation mark.


Pol wrote:Knall’s mind swam with what he could do.


Choppy. I'm sure you can reword this without any help.


Chan, this was good, but I refuse to point out for any longer the fact that it has to be a small letter at the end of dialogue, tho!

Chan, savvy, tho?





Wist is Ley's mind, confirmed
— WeepingWisteria