Khor woke up with tears on his face. He lay curled in the remnants of one of the buildings in the city of Hyresh. The entire city was left in ruins. He slowly got up. He couldn’t remember how he got here. As he stood he brushed off the ash on his robes the memories returned to him. He barely made it to shore with a life boat and found shelter inside a ruined building.
I have to keep moving. They’re bound to be coming back through here. Have to keep moving. Khor thought with single-minded determination. He didn’t want to think about what had just happened but he knew his instincts were right. Khor found he was in an old hotel which had been recently burned to the ground. He found nothing of use in the crumbling building.
He stepped out and looked at the shore and at the bridge. The school had flashes of light emanating out of the windows. Then it struck him. I’m outside the school! I’ve never been outside the school! Then he remembered why he was outside the school. He was probably the only student that survived. He heard crunching behind him. He whipped around, Melden drawn.
It was a short bald man, wearing rough brown robes carrying bags and sacks that jingled as he ran across to Khor. He dropped the bags and stepped back. “Y-you’re alive! I thought everybody in that school was d-doomed. My apologies master magic maker.” The small man bowed on his knees.
“Shadow Lord will do.” He mumbled in reply.
“E-excuse me?”
“Never mind. Do you- get up off the floor already!” The small man had been bowing again.
“Y-yes master.”
“Stop calling master! I barely escaped when I should be dead right now.”
“Yes m-master.” Khor sighed.
“Get outta here.” The tiny man gathered up his bags and started to leave.
“Wait, what’s in the bags?”
But the small man had already left the remnants of the building. As Khor stepped out on the charred road he realized that the city was full of looters. People who stole the treasures that were left behind in the enemy’s raid. He would have objected and punished them but he needed to get out of he regular robes if he was going to hide from the Shades.
He looked around to find a suitable clothing store. He had never worn anything but the customary robes of the school. He had no idea what the fashion was these days. He chose a black t-shirt with a white jacket. He also donned baggy pant and wore his regular boots underneath. He found a belt that had pouches for storing useful items and that he could easily tie Melden to.
The knife he usually kept hidden safe in his jacket had long since been lost in his tiring battle with the Shades. He found a heavy winter coat and thought it might be useful sooner or latter.
Khor had to think of only of things he could carry and were only necessary. He found a small pack he could store other things in if they wouldn’t fit in his belt pouches. He stored it with food and another set of clothes similar to the type he was wearing. Next he visited a smithy. He mainly looked at the selection of knives as he already had a perfectly good katana.
He found one with a blade of about eight inches long which was made with a very steady hand. He found ten strong kunai knives and twenty shurikin. He stored the two different types of weapons in the pouches on his belt. He stored his new knife in his jacket holster that he’d transferred from the jacket he usually wore. Khor found a medium sized blanket and stored it in his pack as well. Khor was ready, now. He began his journey for the Rythrin Forest.
Khor had been traveling for two weeks without break. He knew the Shades would be searching for survivors of the attack. The only person he ever talked to was his shadow guardian. It rose out of the ground to listen to Khor every now and then. It had now fully recovered from the wound it had received at the school.
Khor hadn’t met anyone along his way to the forest yet. He supposed a town would be nearby soon. Khor gazed at the burning flames on the logs he had recently prepared. He lay down and pulled the blanket up to his neck and slept. ![]()
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I feel as if you're on a precipice--a little more, and this would be an AWESOME read.
What stopped me from truly enjoying it were three things: the amazingly abrupt style of yours; the lack of characterization; and the incongruities in the background versus the foreground.
Your short sentences wouldn't be such a problem if it didn't feel as if it were forcing my eye to stop every few seconds. Writers aren't long-winded for nothing; too many periods can throw off a reader's game and distract them. I have no quarrels with the writing itself, just the number of periods. :)
Your character had no presence for me. As I write this I struggle to remember him, and my only vision of him is of like appearance to your avatar, because that was the primary source of visual information as I read. The reason for this isn't that you're a bad writer, it's that you tend to write about information--he got five casks of this and this, two boxes of yatta-yatta, pulled on a coat, a jacket, and a thingie-majig, etceteras. Contrary to what you might think, this doesn't do anything to make the reader believe the world, because it begins to feel like a grocery list.
Like kitty15 said, there are some definite incongruities in your story. The supposed decimation of the city (to tell the truth, I thought it was only the school that was destroyed, I had no sense of the city at all) would not have yielded such promising objects, especially not after the heightened number of scavengers you attested to.
This has definite potential as long as you smooth out the kinks!
No crits on this one? I shall soon correct that... Let's start with a few corections first and then I'll make some general observations -
As he stood he brushed off the ash on his robes and the memories returned to him.
“Stop calling me master! [s]I barely escaped when I should be dead right now.[/s][More information than he's likely to give a complete stranger at this point and not necessary anyway.]”
He would have objected and punished them but he needed to get out of [s]he[/s] his regular robes if he was going to hide from the Shades.
He also donned baggy pants and wore his regular boots underneath.
He found a heavy winter coat and thought it might be useful sooner or [s]latter[/s] later.
Khor had to think of [s]only[/s] of things he could carry easily because he knew he could only take those that [s]and[/s] were [s]only[/s] necessary.
Khor had been traveling for two weeks without a break.
__________________________
I'm glad you didn't have too much action in this chapter because it was a nice contrast to the previous one but Khor found too many valueable items in that town. If it's already been looted by the shades and the people as well as having been mostly burnt down, there probably wouldn't have been any weapons or food.