~*~*~
For the past few weeks Knall had been watching over the tiny egg. Making sure it was warm enough and making sure no other creatures got to it or ate it.
Knall had made a small home on the top of the tree where he and Jumi first met. He made a wall out of bark that had fallen of off trees and two more out of leafs and vines that he could slide back to get by. It was well disguised so it was nearly impossible to see it unless you knew where it was.
Knall made his daily visit to where the egg resided and made sure it had enough leaves wrapped around it. He had also made a curtain of vines around the hiding spot, like he had done with his home, so it was even harder to find.
As Knall removed the dead leaves on the egg he noticed a thin crack. He examined it closer and realized it was finally time for the small bird to hatch. He smiled. Knall lay down next to the small white egg and watched it wobble slightly.
After several hours there were cracks running all over the cool surface of the shell. Knall sensed a tiny creature inside, screaming for freedom. With one last forceful push the egg blew apart and showered Knall’s face with shards of egg. Most of the pieces were sticky and covered with a yellow substance.
Knall opened his eyes and saw a miniature griffon curled up, covering itself with its wings. Knall was completely shocked. He sat there, staring at it. It made a harmless cooing sound and opened its hazel eyes. It looked around and finally caught the gaze of the massive Shade. Knall’s bright yellow eyes staring into the soft hazel eyes of the griffon.
Knall’s antennas slowly crept out and lightly touched the small animal. The griffon, half-bird, half-lion mythical creature shakily stood and tested its thin, brown legs and its feline, powerful legs, in its back. The griffon stretched its wings and gave a barley auditable roar.
It sat back down and starred at Knall once more. Knall held out one claw and let the griffon sniff it gingerly. It stretched out its pale wings and gave a yawn. It stored the scent of Knall in its memory and curled up in the remains of the broken shell. Knall slipped his hand underneath the tiny creature and scooped it up.
It looked disturbed but not shaken by the gesture. Knall carefully and slowly carried it back to his tree. He set it down in a corner of the area Knall had set up and wrapped it in soft leaves. It visibly relaxed and was now obviously sleeping. With one last glace at the harmless griffon wrapped in dead leaves; he fell asleep.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
A few minor suggestions first -
He made a wall out of bark that had fallen of off trees and two more out of [s]leafs[/s] leaves and vines that he could slide back to get by.
As Knall removed the dead leaves [s]on[/s] from the egg he noticed a thin crack.
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In general, this chapter could have had more description but I'm liking Knall more and more. He's so sweet and gentle! But yeah, describe the griffon in more detail.
Well, here I am! I couldn't find some parts of the story, but in the parts I did read, Poor Imp and the others gave such in-depth crits...there was nothing left for me! They're very thorough, you know!
First, as a general crit over the whole story...I liked it very much. Interesting, cool...I did notice, though: scattered throughout some of your posts you have the characters saying 'dang.' Really, I'm not a fan of saying bad words. But if your character has something emphatic to say, let him say it. 'dang' takes the sting and 'oomph' out of the words and makes the reader blink. I think that if you're not willing to put in an actual bad word (I'm not most of the time) you should substitute it with some fantasy swear word like 'gryphon's eggs' or 'dragon's teeth' or something like that...or omit them entirely.
This piece specifically...hmm. I think that you did all right, but not great, in the transition from a general info dump about Knal's woodsy setup to the actual hatching. Time passes too quickly!
Up to this spot, you're fine. You're telling about how he protected the egg. Then, when you say 'Knall made his daily visit' the reader is thinking, all right, we're getting some present tense action, here. Then you slip back into more describing. I'd suggest getting all the description and explanation done before the action.
One small thing at the very beginning:
Suggested change: "For the past few weeks Knall had been watching over the tiny egg, making sure it was warm enough and guarding it from other creatures who might have harmed it."
Also...what other creatures? Creatures searching for the egg, or just creatures looking for an easy meal?
I would make the cracking of the egg scene a little longer. Did Knall stay with the egg for the entire hatching? You say it took place over several hours. I would stretch these hours out just a little longer. Perhaps add a couple of sentences in there about how 'Knall watched, enthralled as yet another crack appeared on the knobbly surface of the egg.' Not too much detail, mind you, but enough so we get an idea of what is going on through Knall's head as he's watching this birth.
Overall, I really liked it! Hope I didn't bore you with this needlessly repetative crit...pm when you have more?
The griffon (half-bird, half-lion) shakily stood and tested its thin, brown forelegs and its powerful, feline backlegs.
I think this would be better and flow easier.
Goodjob! Keep going!
Good! And interesting. I've missed a chunk of this, so I've gotta go and catch up. I only noticed a few errors.
Staring = stared. And perhaps you should show Knall's shock more, rather than simply saying that he was shocked.
Take this out; you don't need it.
In its back? Do you mean, "then its back" or what?
Barley = barely
Starred = stared
Auditable = audible. And is "roar" the best word if the noise is quiet?
I think you need a comma after "disturbed".
Glace = glance.
Comma, not semi-colon.
Very good, once again!