Unknown Story Chap. 18 part 2

*~*~*

Khor awoke the next morning with a splitting headache. He slowly got out of the cot while cradling his head. He glanced at the clock and saw he had an hour to get ready to leave.

He stood and walked around the room, gathering his belongings. He stuffed as many as he could into his black and grey traveling pack and tied it up. He laced his boots and slipped on the under armor he obtained while in Yeseve.

He slipped on a loose black shirt and his white jacket. He also slipped on a pair of black pants and walked out of the room with his pack over his shoulder. He walked silently throughout the hallways and finally reached the atrium.

It was empty and the long sticks of light hovering far overhead slowly lit themselves. Khor walked down one of the pathways and stopped when he reached the back. He had done this so many times. This would be his last.

Khor gazed out into the hectic storm and remembered he would be out there in several minutes. Vathen hadn’t told Khor where to meet him so he sat at the nearest bench and waited.

Eventually the lights grew brighter and he heard the first bell ring out through the hallways and into the atrium. Everything grew silent where as before he could hear almost every conversation of every student.

He heard footsteps growing closer to him and he looked up. It was Rakari. Khor stood and said, “W-what are you doing? You’ll be late for classes,” she shrugged.

“I don’t care. I came to see you off. To… say goodbye.”

“I’m still waiting for Vathen…” she smiled and sat at the bench, Khor sat next to her. Khor soon heard another pair of footsteps echoing throughout the empty atrium and saw Vathen walking closer.

Khor stood and picked up his pack, slinging it over his shoulder. He looked across at Rakari and into her eyes. He hugged her and then kissed her on the cheek lightly. He walked away with several glances towards her and was soon back in the hallways.

Khor followed Vathen silently as they traversed the long stone hallways, slowly going down levels. Soon the passageways became better lit and they were soon in a large, plain hall. There were several round stone pillars and large double doors.

There were massive metal rings for handles and a small cloud of mist forming around the door. When Khor reached the edge he glanced back one last time and turned back around, Rummaging through his pack.

He soon retrieved a large oilskin blanket that he set over his head. He felt ridicules and hot but when Vathen waved his hand the door opened outward. Nearly the entire hall was instantly flooded and Khor was already soaked through every piece of clothing. He grimaced and walked foreword, knee deep in water. The doors behind him closed with a loud slam and he continued on through the freezing rain.

After a few minutes of following the hazing figure before him he glanced back and saw the pale lights of Mourn. He turned back around and followed Vathen again. He had nearly lost him because he did not stop but soon caught up with him.

Khor and Vathen waded through waist deep waters, mud and walked across jagged rock. After several hours of this Khor was completely exhausted but for some reason his spirits were still high.

He was moving again. He had been content while he was in the Academy but now he had learned to love traveling. For some reason it felt like it gave him something to do. Not just sitting while everything else was happening around him.

He smiled and saw Vathen sat down. Khor sat on a smooth area or rock and leaned in towards him. They each moved their oilskin closer and Khor saw Vathen’s wet face. He had to yell in order for Khor to hear him,

“We’re going to stop here for the night! The edge is only a few more days away!” Khor nodded and the two broke apart. Khor lay down with the oilskin over his face. The rain was still pounding on his face but it was slightly deadened, helping him to sleep.

After two more days of walking in the pounding, never-ending rain, Khor was entirely exhausted, irritable, and longing a warm bed. After thinking about it, Khor wondered how Vathen knew where to go.

He had always followed him and wondered how they weren’t going in circles constantly. He did trust him but that was another mystery that would need an answer when they made it to wherever they were going.

Khor kept on expecting to step into the middle of a meadow any second, remembering what Vathen had said the previous night. Khor was extremely angry and almost ready to fall onto the ground of exhaustion when he stepped into a lightly wooded area.

Then he did fall onto the ground, feeling soft grass on his face. He inhaled deeply and saw Vathen stowing his oilskin in his pack. With an enormous effort, he got onto his hands and knees and looked up at Vathen.

He smiled and Vathen half smiled back. Khor rolled over unto his back, the constant pounding of the rain now missing, he felt like a gigantic boulder had been removed off of him.

Khor slowly stood and opened his soggy pack. He stowed the oilskin in with a drenched shirt and retied it. He looked around and saw Vathen was leaning against a tree, waiting for him. He walked over as Vathen began to move into the deeper parts of the woods.

Khor followed and looked around. He knew the scenery would begin to bore him in a few minutes but he was still to happy to dwell on the fact. He took in everything. The small white flowers, the tall green grass and the strong brown trees.

Khor and Vathen walked throughout the evening and stopped at dusk in a small clearing. Khor went out to find firewood while Vathen heated the diner. Khor came back with an armful of dry wood and started the fire.

Khor ate two strips of meat and drank his water gratefully, having barely eaten in The Dark Fields. Once he was finished he looked across at Vathen who was sipping from his canteen, his hidden eyes gazing at the fire intently.

“Uh… Where are we going?” Khor had asked the question hundreds of times before and never gotten and answer but still persisted. Vathen gazed at the fire in silence. Khor had expected it and looked at the fire as well.

He noticed it was much colder than when they had gone into The Dark Fields and realized winter was coming. The trees were loosing the chalky leaves that clung to the branches as they fell to the ground.

“We’re going The Wound of the Earth,” Vathen whispered softly. Khor looked at him again and saw he was drinking from the canteen again. Khor’s mind was racing.

The Wound of the Earth? Where have I heard of that before? Classes? Any book? Dang. Khor gave up after only vaguely remembering it being mentioned in a book he had read several years ago.

Khor lay back and rested his head on a rolled up piece of cloth he used as a pillow. He gazed up into the branches of the trees and listened to the fire crackle. Through the branches there were numerous stars, shining through intertwining branches. Khor closed his eyes and listened to a bird far off in the distance chirp happily. Khor smiled and fell asleep easily.

The morning was cold and brisk. Khor stood after brushing several leaves out of his hair. He looked around and saw Vathen leaning against a tree watching him. Khor quickly packed and put out the remains of the fire with the water in his canteen.

Vathen began to walk and Khor followed. They were soon out of the small wood and into an open field. The field seemed to stretch on for miles in every direction, the plainness only broken by a small tree every few miles.

Khor gazed at it, shocked. He had seen large fields in his time traveling with Vathen but this was larger by several hundred times. He dumbly followed Vathen and heard him say, “We just entered The Passageway. Thousands of merchants use this massive open field to transport goods to other cities. There’s much less risk of robbers attacking because you could see them from very far off.”

It made sense, the only thing Khor couldn’t get over was the fact that he had never heard of it before. Something this large and economical didn’t just disappear from textbooks. Then, there were a lot of things he didn’t learn in the Academy.

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greenjay
Review

Hey, sorry it took me so long to get to this. I haven't been on much lately...

He slipped on a loose black shirt and his white jacket. He also slipped on a pair of black pants and walked out of the room with his pack over his shoulder. He walked silently throughout the hallways and finally reached the atrium.

Don't used "he slipped" so much and try to start one of the sentances with something other that "he." It's tricky but it makes things smoother :D.

Everything grew silent where as before he could hear almost every conversation of every student.

This is worded wierdly...oh, and you used "every" twice.

Soon the passageways became better lit and they were [s]soon[/s] in a large, plain hall

Tisk tisk... :wink:

Nearly the entire hall was instantly flooded and Khor was already soaked through every piece of clothing.

Little wierd here...you might want to reword this.

He turned back around and followed Vathen again. He had nearly lost him because he did not stop but soon caught up with him.

He him he him he him...sounds like a saw. No, just kidding, but you should still fix it some.

Khor and Vathen waded through waist deep waters and mud and walked across jagged rock

Add the "and"...if not it's kinda confusing.

He smiled and saw Vathen sat down.

It is "sit"

There’s much less risk of robbers attacking because you could see them from very far off.”

Can not could.

Giant plains, places of constant rain, and wounds of the earth? How can it get any better? :P No, seriously, I really like the creativety of all these places. Good job!

I haven't noticed you making any of the changes I suggest. If you are doing them on word and just not updating the edited version on yws, that's fine, but if you aren't making any edits than it is kind of pointless for me to critique. I'm not accusing you, I'm just wondering if I'm being any help :P.

Anyway, one suggestion I have on this section is the show more emotion with the goodbye with Rakari. It doesn't have to be all romantic or anything, but I think you should at least get the reader somewhat sad. Try to make me cry, cause Khor likes Rakari a lot doesn't he? If so than the reader should be able to feel his sorrow, and that should then make the reader sad since they care about Khor. Make me cry :cry: .

:P

Well, that's all, very good job!

-the bane of all blue jays



the heart is the best part
— soundofmind