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Young Writers Society



Unknown Story Chap. 9 part 4

by Poltergiest


*~*~*

Khor heard crashes and bangs coming from somewhere in the darkness. He stood and looked down the dark hall. There was clashing. It felt like hatred was flowing down from the hallway. He heard something splashing and sloshing. He looked closer and saw blood running in a river down the hallway and splashing Khor’s feet. He stepped back, shocked.

“What’s going on out there!” he grasped the bars firmly and shook them violently. They twitched. Hopes rising, Khor shook them even harder and they began to snap. They moaned under the pressure and Khor began to pull even harder.

The bars blew apart and the pieces flew everywhere. His mind was weakened! He was distracted and now he’s gonna get a big surprise! He stepped through the opening just as new bars came straight up where the old ones where. He ran down the hall and into darkness.

His feet sloshing in the blood, Khor ran down the hallway. As he ran it seemed like everything was drifting away. Soon his foot didn’t hit cold stone but instead, air. The second it fell through Khor began to drift upward and when he looked up he saw a flicker of light.

Khor was floating towards the light and he soon found himself in the same room with no windows or doors. He walked up alongside the table and touched one of the goblets. It rang sweetly and the red liquid inside rippled. He walked past the fire and looked around. Now What? Khor heard a creaking behind him and turned around. The fire beast was climbing out of the fireplace and standing to tower over Khor.

Khor looked up and stared into the shimmering blue eyes. He saw hatred, but he knew this, thing, was being held against its will. Khor sorely missed having Melden strapped to his side, especially now. The thing approached and swiped one hand down.

Khor rolled to the side, almost bumping into the table. The fiery fist hit the ground and set the rug on fire. Khor retreated to the other side of the room. The thing spit rocky fire projectiles at him and Khor ducked to avoid them.

Khor ran towards it and jumped off the table. He soared and grasped the chandelier. He swung towards the thing and he kicked it in the neck. It stumbled back and held onto the wall for support. It regained its balance but not before Khor came swinging back and kicked him in the face.

It shook the blow off and waited. When Khor tried to come back it grabbed his feet and wrenched him from the chandelier. He was bashed against the wall and then was slammed on the floor. Khor grabbed his stomach and groaned. He turned the groan into a roar and stood. He charged at the fire beast and head butted him. It stumbled back and grabbed its chest.

It let out a high pitched yet low toned roar. It jumped at Khor and slammed his fists down. It was now on its belly and Khor jumped on its back. He wrapped his arms around its neck as it stood. Khor pulled as hard as he could. His arm burned fiercely but he didn’t let go.

The creature stumbled around and tried slamming Khor against the wall but Khor wouldn’t let go. The creature struggled and fought but Khor’s need to survive overcame the beast’s want to kill him. Soon the beast gave out a sputtering cough and fell to the ground. Khor stood and got off its back. He looked back and saw it begin to evaporate. A great steam column rose up and burned the ceiling.

It was silent. Khor heard more banging and crashes. “Kizen! I killed your beast! Now it’s your turn!” Khor used the Favthom and concentrated. “!” The room shook and began to tear in certain spots. Soon everything was ripped away. Khor felt free. He was flying upwards and saw light. “Yes.” he said, breathless. He rose and saw a swirling, white landscape. “Yes.”

Khor found himself with Melden poised over his chest. He quickly turned it around and gripped the air in front of him. A black-grey spirit was gripping Khor’s hand and attempting to get free. It looked exactly like Kizen and was even wearing the black suit.

Khor squeezed. Kizen moaned and attempted to make a sound. Khor swung him around and held him over the edge of the roof. He looked down then looked into Kizen’s eyes with hatred. He let up his grip a bit so Kizen could speak. “I’m sorry. Khor it was just an assignment. I didn’t want to do it.”

“You could have stopped.” Khor felt no mercy. He dropped Kizen and saw him fall for a few seconds. He jumped after him and as they fell, Khor gripped him by the neck and poised Melden on his throat. Khor saw the ground rush closer and closer. He smiled and when Kizen hit the ground Melden pushed through…

Khor stood and saw Kizen being ripped apart. He looked around and saw thousands of Jelseves gathered around Khor. He smiled and stood silently. The Jelseves gathered closer and began to attack.

Khor began to fight them, killing them, mercilessly. Soon other spirits joined into the fight. Eventually all the Jelseves were killed, their fragments floating gracefully in the air.

Khor stood there, in the middle of hundreds of shattered souls. He sheathed Melden and turned around. Jlk and Gyth were rushing towards him. “We thank you thousands of times, Khor.” Khor nodded.

“I am very tired and would like to spend some time alone.” the two nodded and Khor walked into Yeseve. Vathen was standing in front of the staircase and said, “I want to hear about what happened to you but I understand you need to rest right now.” Khor nodded and walked past Vathen.

He found his room and set Melden on the bed. He looked into the mirror and saw himself, just as he was just before he was a prisoner in his mind. He waited for a contradicting voice. Someone there to tell him who he was... Silence… He was free. He walked over to the bed and sat down. He slipped off the bloody boots and his dirty jacket. He slipped into the warm and inviting bed and shut his eyes. Sleep wouldn’t come. He felt like he could wait…


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2631 Reviews


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Fri Sep 28, 2007 9:25 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



This part was really good with some nice descriptions, some good dialogue and a really interesting plot. My main suggestion is to expand that final fight scene. I think it was much too brief and perhaps Khor should come back to his body at the time when Kizen is about to stab himself (Well technically Khor) because that would be more dramatic. Also, maybe the Jelseves don't realise that Khor is in control straight away. That would help to explain how he manages to kill so many of them.

Anyway, some very good work and just a few specific points -

The thing [s]spit[/s] spat rocky fire projectiles at him and Khor ducked to avoid them.

The creature struggled and fought but Khor’s need to survive overcame the beast’s want to kill him. [This could be worded better. It has the potential to be a rather thought provoking line but perhaps 'Khor's need to survive overcame the beast's desire to kill' would sound a little smoother?]

Overall, things are developing well though I felt a touch sorry for Kizen.




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Wed Aug 01, 2007 9:24 pm
greenjay wrote a review...



Khor stood and saw Kizen being ripped apart. He looked around and saw thousands of Jelseves gathered around Khor. He smiled and stood silently. The Jelseves gathered closer and began to attack.

change to him

Good, though slightly confusing at times (it seems like you switched Kizen for Khor and Khor for Kizen, especially during the dialoge). Otherwise it was sweet!

-greenjay




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Sun Jul 29, 2007 6:51 pm
norm91 wrote a review...



Alright Poltergeist. I really enjoyed reading this, you've got a knack for descriptive writing. Just a few small areas for improvement:

Khor heard crashes and bangs coming from somewhere in the darkness.


Although the "somewhere" adds to the mystery, I'm not sure it's entirely needed:

Khor heard crashing coming from the darkness.

Keeping it simple and it makes the same point.

He stepped back, shocked.


No critic here. I liked this part, added to the mystery felt at that moment. And these should praise as well as give constructive critism.

However, noticing your entire first paragraph the sentence structure isn't varied at all. It's full of short, jabbing sentences. Is this intentional?

If not, it doesn't help the story flow.

“What’s going on out there!” he grasped the bars firmly and shook them violently. They twitched. Hopes rising, Khor shook them even harder and they began to snap. They moaned under the pressure and Khor began to pull even harder. "


The bars began to moan? I think that's the wrong expression.

Maybe "the bars began to abate" - again that expression is rather murky too. Also, you repeat yourself a lot, word variation is key for an entertaining piece. Eg. "Khor shook them even harder.... Khor began to pull even harder"

you could always just imply he pulled harder:- "Khor redoubled his efforts".

His mind was weakened! He was distracted and now he’s gonna get a big surprise! He stepped through the opening just as new bars came straight up where the old ones where. He ran down the hall and into darkness.


By repeating "he" a lot, especially at the start of sentences it makes it harder for the reader to really get into the piece. This combined with the short jabbing sentences gives a poor sentence structure.

For the last sentence try combining the two ideas:-

He stepped through the opening, just as new bars materialized where the old ones had been torn away, and ran down the hall into the darkness.

It's a more complex sentence, but if you could combine it with the short ones it would be good. Variation in sentence structure is key.

His feet sloshing in the blood, Khor ran down the hallway.


Good word choice with "sloshing" - it's excellent imagery!

For the rest of it I have no advice to give that I've not all-ready covered above. I really liked this piece - keep up the good work!

- Norman :wink:





The secret of being tiresome is to tell everything.
— Voltaire