Unknown Story Chap. 8 part 2

*~*~*

Khor landed hard and coughed up a small amount of blood. He got to his knees and whipped it away with his sleeve. He dug Melden into the ground and hoisted himself up. He gazed across the white, swirling field and glared at the tall, grey-thing drifting across from him.

The thing lifted a silver, swirling sword and drifted quickly over towards Khor. Khor stood and raised Melden. Their swords clashed and Khor pushed him back. Khor charged him and he parried. Khor slid Melden off of his sword and spun behind him.

He jabbed him in the back and the sword drifted right through him. He spun around and they bowed to each other. Khor sheathed Melden and the silver sword disappeared.

“I haven’t had a bout like that for a very long time.” Remarked the floating creature.

“Same time tomorrow?” Proposed Khor. The thing shook its head and floated away. Khor whipped the sweat rolling off his forehead and walked towards the open porch where Vathen was sitting in a comfortable chair, sipping tea.

Khor sat next to him and another grey-thing drifted over and put a large glass of swirling ice tea on a small platform next to the chair. Khor took it and set it on his forehead. He glanced over at Vathen and he continued to gaze out at the unchanging scenery.

“So we’re just going to do this for another six days? For some reason I want to be back in a forest, sitting next to a blazing fire,-“

“Running from the Krashvok, escaping the fires of the Shades. Enjoy the rest and silence while it lasts.” Khor became silent and suddenly realized what a great haven this place really was. After talking with Vathen for several hours he found that Yeseve is the spirit world.

All spirits with a dead carrier comes here. All the grey-things are spirits that have taken the form of their previous selves. For the ones with no describable face or form have either chosen not to look as they once did or have forgotten.

Yeseve is also the name of the only building in the spirit world. After a time all spirits leave Yeseve and go into their final resting place. Most stay here for several thousands of years.

The two lords of Yeseve, Jlk and Gyth, have remained in Yeseve for over seven thousand years. They see to it that the Jelseves, or spirit killers, don’t come back into Yeseve.

Khor stood up and said, “I’m going to go change into something more refreshing.” Vathen waved him off as if he didn’t care he just said he was going to kill him. Khor ran up the first flight of stair and continued on until he eventually reached his room.

When he entered the room he closed the door behind him and opened the dresser drawer. He laid the necessary clothes on the bed and stripped the uncomfortable sweaty clothes he was currently wearing. He pulled on the pants and when he reached out for the shirt he stopped.

He walked back over to the drawer and seized the lightweight armor he had stolen from the armory earlier today. He slipped it on and then finished getting clothed. He left the room and met no spirits on his way back down.

When he entered the large, ground floor, matted room, he walked back over towards where Vathen had been sitting a moment before. He saw that he was no longer there and sat down in his place.

He heard a patter of footsteps behind him and heard a voice saying, “I see you took the liberty of taking my seat.” Khor immediately stood up and turned around. Vathen was standing there, fully dressed with a long white cloak on.

“I’m going to be leaving for a few days. While I’m gone, please don’t do anything idiotic. Or moronic. Or stupid, foolish, or blunt.”

“You make me out to be a five year old.” Khor replied, angrily.

“Once you give evidence otherwise I have no reason to believe that your not.”

Khor barely trusted Vathen but he defiantly did not like him insulting him for no reason. Khor’s blood boiled and he wished he wouldn’t have left Melden in his room. His trust in Vathen was very small but he didn’t think he should treat it so frivolously.

Vathen walked out of the building and saw Jlk and Gyth. He bowed to them both and walked between them. “Where are you going?!” Shouted Khor after him. Vathen waved his hand lazily and didn’t turn around.

Khor watched him walk quite a ways before he noticed Jlk and Gyth floating next to him. “You seem to care a lot about someone who you don’t care a lot about.” Khor shook his head and gazed out at the white landscape with Vathen disappearing into the distance.

He turned around and retreated up the stairs. When he finally reached his room he swung open the door and saw Gyth floating there. He looked very serious and had his arms crossed. “Hear this, living one.” Khor shut the door behind him and returned his gaze to Gyth.

“I neither want, nor need you here. My people don’t need the grief of the living and the living doesn’t need the grief of the dead. In other words, you’re here only because Vathen is a very old and trusted friend. Your actions this morning were quite disturbing. We have done nothing to harm you and we don’t plan to.”

“Why didn’t you speak to me about this earlier?”

“You are very important to Vathen and Jlk is a kindhearted fool. The only reason why you have not been banished is because Vathen vouched for you. He, for some reason, trusts you and needs to see you safe. I will respect his wishes. But remember this: You have already overstayed your welcome and I will be constantly watching your every move.” With this, he started shimmering and burst into a thousand crystals and drifted away. Khor stared at the spot where Gyth dematerialized. Khor reached out and caught one of the shimmering crystals in his hand. He held it into the light and smiled…

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Sat Sep 08, 2007 5:47 pm

The others have caught most of your typos and such but here are a few more and some general observations -

Khor whipped [Should be wiped.] the sweat rolling off his forehead and walked towards the open porch where Vathen was sitting in a comfortable chair, sipping tea. [Also, that first part could be phrased better. Maybe 'Khor wiped the sweat from his forehead and walked...']

He walked back over to the drawer and seized the lightweight armor he had stolen from the armory earlier [s]today[/s] that day. [He's keeping the armor? Bad Khor!]

When he entered the large, ground floor, matted room, he walked back over towards where Vathen had been sitting a moment before. [The first part makes no sense. Matted room?]

____________________________
Generally, I liked this chapter and you have some awesome pieces of dialogue and a good development of characterization. The action scenes still need a little work though.

User avatar
sokool15
Comment

Sorry! I forgot something...

All spirits with a dead carrier comes here. All the grey-things are spirits that have taken the form of their previous selves. For the ones with no describable face or form have either chosen not to look as they once did or have forgotten.

Yeseve is also the name of the only building in the spirit world. After a time all spirits leave Yeseve and go into their final resting place. Most stay here for several thousands of years.

The two lords of Yeseve, Jlk and Gyth, have remained in Yeseve for over seven thousand years. They see to it that the Jelseves, or spirit killers, don’t come back into Yeseve.


This entire part is in present tense. Before, you were in past tense? What's going on? If this is a person saying all of this stuff, then I guess the present tense would be okay, but if the author is narrating, he should stay in the same tense, okay? Okay, so just change it to past, do what you need to do, and you'll be good.

Cheers! 8)

User avatar
sokool15
Review

Good! the only thing that was bad was the fight at the beginning.

You have him coughing up blood. Whoa. It takes some serious injury, pneumonia or...something bad to have someone coughing up blood. So here we are, at the first sentence, wondering what the heck could be happening to Khor when he's all safe and cozy in the grey swirly place. Then you suddenly spring us to the fact that...OH! It's just a friendly match between grey-thing and human. Well, it's all right that he's coughing up blood then. Just a friendly match.

So that was the first thing. Then you have this little tiny blurb, the very end of the fight itself, with the swords all jabbing and slashing and all...and you're like, all right, that was a short fight, but whatever, and you're still wondering why Khor was coughing up blood, and then the grey-thing says, "I've never had a fight like that in my life."

What? The fight was one tiny paragraph long! After re-reading, I surmised that you must have had them fighting before, for a long time, but you need to say something to that effect, instead of making the reader...sort of...figure it out. If they can.

Anyway, besides that, good job and all! I'm off to part 3 whenever I can!

Yours most truly, 8)

User avatar
Twit
Review
Twit wrote a review · Mon Jul 23, 2007 6:10 pm

Coo, ominous!

Pol wrote:He got to his knees and whipped it away with his sleeve.


Whipped = wiped would sound better.


Pol wrote:The thing lifted a silver, swirling sword and drifted quickly over towards Khor. Khor stood and raised Melden. Their swords clashed and Khor pushed him back. Khor charged him and he parried. Khor slid Melden off of his sword and spun behind him.
He jabbed him in the back and the sword drifted right through him. He spun around and they bowed to each other. Khor sheathed Melden and the silver sword disappeared.


Don't repeat his name this much; it's off-putting.


Pol wrote:“I haven’t had a bout like that for a very long time.Remarked the floating creature.


Comma and small letter.


Pol wrote:“Same time tomorrow?” Proposed Khor.


Small letter. And you need a line between this and the first line of dialogue.


Pol wrote:He glanced over at Vathen and he continued to gaze out at the unchanging scenery.

“So we’re just going to do this for another six days? For some reason I want to be back in a forest, sitting next to a blazing fire,-“

“Running from the Krashvok, escaping the fires of the Shades. Enjoy the rest and silence while it lasts.” Khor became silent and suddenly realized what a great haven this place really was.


It isn't very clear who's doing the talking here. Put Khor's bit of dialogue on the first paragraph with his action, and start a new paragraph after the other's dialogue. And you don't need the comma as well as the dash in Khor's dialogue.


Pol wrote:After talking with Vathen for several hours he found that Yeseve is the spirit world.

All spirits with a dead carrier comes here. All the grey-things are spirits that have taken the form of their previous selves. For the ones with no describable face or form have either chosen not to look as they once did or have forgotten.

Yeseve is also the name of the only building in the spirit world. After a time all spirits leave Yeseve and go into their final resting place. Most stay here for several thousands of years.

The two lords of Yeseve, Jlk and Gyth, have remained in Yeseve for over seven thousand years. They see to it that the Jelseves, or spirit killers, don’t come back into Yeseve.


Info-dump here. You could show all this in the dialogue. Khor's askingt questions, and Vathen is answering, so show it!


Pol wrote:He pulled on the pants and when he reached out for the shirt he stopped.


But would sound better. Americanisms in clothing... *snickers*


Pol wrote:He slipped it on and then finished getting clothed.


Getting clothed? Getting dressed, that should be.


Pol wrote:When he entered the large, ground floor, matted room...


Too much here. Change it so this sentance doesn't start off by getting bogged down with loads of unneccesary adjectives.


Pol wrote:“You make me out to be a five year old.” Khor replied, angrily.


Comma instead of full stop.

I don't think you need that comma.


Pol wrote:“Once you give evidence otherwise I have no reason to believe that your not.”


Your = you're.


Pol wrote:Khor barely trusted Vathen but he defiantly did not like him insulting him for no reason.


Defiantly = definately?


Pol wrote:“Where are you going?!Shouted Khor after him.


Small letter.

One or the other; nix the exclamation mark.


Pol wrote:"My people don’t need the grief of the living and the living doesn’t need the grief of the dead."


Now, that is one cool bit of dialogue! And I'm not being patronizing.


Pol wrote:With this, he started shimmering and burst into a thousand crystals and drifted away.


All the ands take away from the initial impact. Take the first one out.


Pol wrote:Khor stared at the spot where Gyth dematerialized. Khor reached out and caught one of the shimmering crystals in his hand.


Take out the second Khor, and run these two into one long sentance. Perhaps, Khor stared at the spot where Gyth dematerialized and reached to catch one of the shimmering crystals in his hand. Or something like that; I'll leave it up to you.

Don't forget that thing about the symbols; I'm more than willing to help. :D

User avatar
greenjay
Review

Khor sat next to him and another grey-thing drifted over and put a large glass of swirling iced tea on a small platform next to the chair. Khor took it and set it on his forehead. He glanced over at Vathen who [s]and he [/s]continued to gaze out at the unchanging scenery.

okay why'd he set the iced tea on his forehead? I really don't get that, I'm probably just missing something.

And that's all I found. Cool. I like how Gyth warns Khor, sets the stage for some trouble if you get what I mean :P.

-the green one



Too often we crave the extraordinary in life, without even learning how to cherish the ordinary first. Friend, I promise you this: if you can learn to take joy in the simple mundane things in life, the extraordinary will take care of itself, it'll be on its way, hurrying towards you. But if you skip the first part, it'll ever evade you.
— Arcticus