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Young Writers Society



Unknown Story Chap. 3 part 1

by Poltergiest


~Chapter Three~

Attack



Khor woke up earlier than usual and took a shower. When he was done he changed into his robes. They were freshly washed and felt crisp as he put them on. He thought the black leather with red trim looked good on him.

Afterwards he strapped Melden to his waist and looked at his mirror reflection. He focused on his faint shadow and poured his magical energy into it. He face screwed up with concentration and formed an object in his mind. It was a tall man with long spiky hair. He held a katana similar to Melden. He wore armor underneath his white jacket and his legging armor was attached outside his baggy pants. He had one other katana in its scabbard.

He also had a pair of small pure white wings. Khor focused on him harder than he had any other shadow before it. He started to rise out of the ground and take solid form. Though still just a silhouette he was taller than Khor. Khor stood there starring at the shadow he had summoned from his world. The silhouette had round, blank, white eyes with no pupils. They starred at each other. The shadow bent down and offered Khor his sword, the ultimate sign of loyalty. Khor took it and said

“Stand.”

The shadow stood, looming over Khor.

“Do you swear to protect me even if it means your… umm… death?” The shadow nodded wordlessly. Khor returned him his sword and shadow nodded once again as he sheathed the sword. He kneeled and sank back into the floor bellow Khor’s feet and resumed the shape of Khor’s silhouette.

Khor was stunned. He took one last look at his blue/green eyes, his thin body, and his black hair and left the room. In the main chambers he noticed someone starring at the smoldering fire. It was the blonde haired boy. Doesn’t this freak ever leave me alone? How annoying. Khor walked by.

“I heard you talking in there. Who were you talking to?” Khor stopped. He thought carefully about his answer.

“I…Nothing.” Khor continued to leave when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and found the blonde haired boy was looking in his eyes.

“We started off on the really wrong foot. I wanna start over. I’m Jhere.” Khor looked at the hand on his shoulder.

“And I’m annoyed.” Khor shook off his hand and left the room. He was half way down the hallway when he heard someone trying to run to catch up to him. Khor turned around.

“What’s your problem?!” Khor shouted at the boy.

“Just leave me alone! Everyone else does! Why do you keep bothering me?!”

Khor suddenly realized he was shouting. He probably woke a few of the other students while doing so. Jhere looked at him seriously. “Cause I think you need a friend.”

“Because you! You! Rrrrrrr!!” Khor didn’t know why but he felt good alone. No one else there. Just me and the shadows. At first he hated being alone but was now finally beginning to embrace it. “I’m just supposed to be alone. Its something you’d never understand.” Khor turned on the boy and continued walking. How could this blonde haired boy ever understand?

“Why do you have to be so damn stubborn?!! I’m trying to be your friend and you just keep on rejecting me! I don’t want you to be alone so, sorry for trying to make your life better!” Jhere looked as outraged as Khor.

“Why?!”

“Excuse me?”

“Why do I matter?! Why’re you trying to be my friend?!”

“Because I was the same way when I was younger and you reminded me… of me. So fine, I’ll leave you alone, but first tell me why you won’t ever open up to anyone!”

“Because every time I open a door into myself, some one destroys me. Leaves me hurt. I’m not even going to try to explain it. You have to experience the feeling of having no one there for you… Ever.” Khor walked away, silently. Jhere stood there, watching him go.

Khor felt emotionally drained and didn’t bother to practice inside the arena. Instead he summoned his shadow guardian and told him what had happened earlier. He couldn’t reply but it felt nice to have someone there to listen.

Afterwards Khor went off to breakfast. He sat alone but could feel the shadow guardian’s presence. He ate his pancakes silently and barely sipped his milk. He still felt beat after his confrontation with Jhere. Khor’s mind was too focused on the previous events to focus on class much.

By lunch time he had felt completely empty. This is stupid. Khor stood up and walked out of the Meal Hall. He traversed many hallways and rooms until he reached the uppermost tower of the castle. In the top room he opened the door and found Head Master Jyrool gazing out of the glassless window.

Khor was so surprised he actually stepped back and gasped.

“Oh, hello Khoralie.” The Head Master turned away from the view point and looked at Khor.

“H-Head Master?”

“Yes?”

“Umm….” Khor had absolutely no idea what to say.

“I enjoy coming up here just to look down on the grounds and think.”

“Yea, I thought this might be a nice place to…” Khor trailed off.

“Won’t you be late for your next class?”

“Umm…”

“Understandable. Sometimes our days are just too hectic and we need to separate ourselves just to attempt to figure things out.”

“Yea.” Khor approached the hole overlooking the entire school. He could even see were the white bridge ended. There was apparently a large town settled on the coast of the main land.

“I’ll leave you to sort things out. Try not to skip class. But if you need time, there’s always enough of that.” Khor nodded and continued to gaze out onto the school. The Head Master left the room.

Khor had had a full day. After dinner that evening he decided to go and work on his shadow manipulation technique. He walked to the Duel Arena with his shadow guardian following close behind. When he entered, the lights were on and there was already a class in session.

“Class! Settle down! Settle down!” Shouted an Instructor at the group of students that were about 10 years old.

Khor walked up the edge of the balcony to watch. Today we are going to learn how to wield a weapon. There are very many different weapons and many varieties of that weapon. Behind the Instructors there were five tables with many different weapons on each. Khor watched the young students nervously walk up to the tables and inspect each of the weapons.

One of the children was eyeing a club mace that looked about twice his size. “Try each one to see which weapon feels right to you. Take it slowly.” Almost all the children rushed for the sword believing it would be the easiest to use. Khor smiled. He remembered when he did this. He ran over to the katana. He had inherited his father’s sword, Melden, and had been practicing with it for a long time. Khor impressed all the students and the Instructors with his expertise.

Khor focused on one of the student’s shadows. So far he had only been able to manipulate his own but thought it could become an even more impressive technique. At this distance it was even harder to put his magical energy into the dark spot on the ground. It flickered.

“YES!!”

Khor shouted and pumped his fist into the air. All the students turned to look at him. He quickly withdrew from the sight of the Instructors.

Khor left the arena to take a late night stroll around the grounds. The stars were shining brightly and the moon lit up the path. He wandered around and walked up to one of the pure white walls. He brushed his hand against it. It was cold to his hand. Latter along, the wall had a stairwell leading to the top of the wall. Khor climbed the stairs and looked out upon the sea.

The sea wind was fiddling with his hair and cooling his face. The moon’s reflection on the sea lit it up and made it sparkle brilliantly. Real beauty. He leaned over the protective rail and closed his eyes letting the wind lightly hit him in the face. Peace. He thought pleasantly. Finally, a time for quiet and, just nothing at all.


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Wed Aug 29, 2007 7:20 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



The others have caught most but here are a few mistakes -

Khor took it and said


“Stand.” [Don't leave two lines between these sentences.]

Khor returned him his sword and the shadow nodded once again as he sheathed the sword.

Khor turned [s]on the[/s] away from boy and continued walking.

[s]Latter[/s] Later along, the wall had a stairwell leading to the top of the wall.

_______________________
Altogether, Khor still seems way too perfect. You need to have him be weaker in either his magic or his fighting abilities. A weak mind is not enough to counter all the strengths you've given him.

As for your plot, it was okay but nothing too interesting this time and a bit repetetive. Khor skips some more classes and goes to watch some people fight. Try to vary it a bit. Show him in a class. That would be much better.

The writing itself though is good and I like Jhere but Khor's responses shouldn't be so over dramatic.




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Fri Jun 15, 2007 9:50 pm
Twit wrote a review...



Nazi-Grammer Dude Here. :razz:

Pol wrote:Afterwards he strapped Melden to his waist and looked at his mirror reflection. He focused on his faint shadow and poured his magical energy into it. He face screwed up with concentration and formed an object in his mind. It was a tall man with long spiky hair. He held a katana similar to Melden. He wore armor underneath his white jacket and his legging armor was attached outside his baggy pants. He had one other katana in its scabbard.

He also had a pair of small pure white wings. Khor focused on him harder than he had any other shadow before it. He started to rise out of the ground and take solid form. Though still just a silhouette he was taller than Khor. Khor stood there starring at the shadow he had summoned from his world.


This bit felt... abrupt. All of a sudden, Khor's summoning shadows, when before he was only waving a sword about.


Pol wrote:“Do you swear to protect me even if it means your… umm… death?” The shadow nodded wordlessly.


Uh, how can you kill a shadow?


Pol wrote:He kneeled and sank back into the floor bellow Khor’s feet and resumed the shape of Khor’s silhouette.


Bellow = below

Repetition repeated too much here.


Pol wrote:He took one last look at his blue/green eyes, his thin body, and his black hair and left the room.


If you're going to use the reflection to show us what Khor looks like, do it at the beginning, before the shadow-thingy. And DON'T use slashes like the "blue/green" bit. Say, "bluey-green" or whatever. Can you get "bluey-green" eyes, anyway?


Pol wrote:Afterwards he strapped Melden to his waist and looked at his mirror reflection.


Awkward. Perhaps just, "his reflection"? or "his reflection in the mirror"?


Pol wrote:In the main chambers he noticed someone starring at the smoldering fire.


Starring = staring


Pol wrote:Khor walked by.
“I heard you talking in there. Who were you talking to?” Khor stopped. He thought carefully about his answer.
I…Nothing.”


Awkward.

Repetition!

Is that the result of careful thinkning about the answer? :roll:


Pol wrote:Khor continued to leave when he felt a hand on his shoulder.


:cry: Prime example of awkward wording. You can do better than this, cos I've read some of your other sentances. Don't just jot stuff down, think about it!


Pol wrote:He was half way down the hallway when he heard someone trying to run to catch up to him.


To = with


Pol wrote:“What’s your problem?!


Pol wrote:"Why do you keep bothering me?!


Pol wrote:“Why do you have to be so d*** stubborn?!!"


Pol wrote:“Why?!


Pol wrote:“Why do I matter?! Why’re you trying to be my friend?!


Nix all the ?!?!?!??!? Just one :?: or :!: does fine.


Pol wrote:“Because you! You! Rrrrrrr!!”


WEIRD bit of dialogue there. :? Don't understand it. And the thing about double marks!!!!


Pol wrote:“Yea.”


Yea = yeah


Pol wrote:He could even see were the white bridge ended.


Were = where


Pol wrote:“Class! Settle down! Settle down!” Shouted an Instructor at the group of students that were about 10 years old.


Small s here.

Write this as "ten" instead of putting the numbers.


Pol wrote:Today we are going to learn how to wield a weapon. There are very many different weapons and many varieties of that weapon.


Uh, missing quote marks?


Pol wrote: Khor impressed all the students and the Instructors with his expertise.


*sobs* Mr Perfect's on the loose again.


Pol wrote:YES!!


KILL ALL EXCLAMATION MARKS AND WORDS IN CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!!!!!


Pol wrote:Peace. He thought pleasantly. Finally, a time for quiet and, just nothing at all.


Comma and small letter.

Nix the comma.



I know it looks daunting, but it should be helpful! Take all this on board and do a rewrite. Your ideas are good, but your style needs tweaking. This chapter feels like you just jotted it down off the top of your head. Take time over it, and feeeeeel the writing......

Well, maybe not, but you get the picture.

-Twit




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Sat Jun 09, 2007 7:07 pm
Sumi H. Inkblot wrote a review...



YES! An update! :does a tiny, on-the-spot jig:

OK, Pol, did you even look at my previous two reviews? Or are you just posting chapters you wrote a while ago? Either way, you should re-write. Not because the text is especially horrible, just because your sentences are still waaaaaay too choppy.

In everybody's head, or at least mine, a tiny voice speaks what we are reading. A narrator, if you will. When the sentences are awkward, forced or just blah, the narrator sounds awful. Thus, if you want to have an enjoyable writing and reading experience, write so that the sentences flow. When confronted with something like that, I generally read it aloud, just to get the taste. (Man, today is my day for being vague)

Short sentences are used for a dramatic effect. However, it's a good idea to use a variety of lengths, longer for description, shorter for drama. While you may want this entire thing to be dramatic, all short sentences are not good.

Sentence structure aside, I see you've gotten into some of the spirit of my Text Chi. :)
While this is good, for each piece of dialogue, you should put a double space. This is the format I use, and it's easy to read because of this. Once again, I suggest you take a look at some of the stories that have good reputations; they're usually spaced well and easy to read. Your spacing is better, but it's still very bulky. Take the time to space it.

:/story nazi rant: :P

OK, onto the loneliness thing.

1....
2....
3!

RE-WRITE JHERE AND KHOR'S SCENE, AND DUMP COLD WATER ON YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

I actually banged my head against the computer as I read the loneliness part.

OK, you don't have to dump water on your head, but seriously. You've been watching/reading a LOT of Naruto recently, haven't you?? At least your characters aren't making handseals and shouting "Katon! Gokakyuu no Jutsu!".

And then I'd have to, like, I dunno. Dump cold water on your head for you, I guess. There is a section for fanfiction. :P

Dialogue and natural punctuation

Natural punctuation is a simple rule, but I've 'tiqued a lot of stories that don't follow it.

The natural punctuation of a sentence is when you stop to take a breath or pause when speaking. Thus, to keep dialogue realistic, you have to have the rule of natural punctuation as much as minimum of cheesiness, unless, of course, the cheesiness is intended. Before you write a scene with the 'logue in it, picture the scene clearly in your mind. Picture the characters, and listen to how they speak.

They probably don't really talk like you portray them, but you might have been in a hurry when you wrote it. I don't know. But characters are people too- they cry, laugh, sing, dance and make fools of themselves, just like us. So, for goodness' sake, do make them talk like natural people and not like robots!

Here ends my rant on your biggest problems. :roll:
I'll let someone else do the grammar nazi-ing, but for now I think you should do some scene sketches. Just write snippets, but make sure to keep the rule of natural punctuation intact.

It does wonders for the dialogue :P

I liked your shadow-guardian thing a bit....on a Shikamaru-ish note, heh heh, what if Khor controls the shadows, and how the shadow moves, the "caster" of the shadows must move, as well? I hope something like that happens - I love that kind of thing.

Afterwards he strapped Melden to his waist and looked at his mirror reflection. He focused on his faint shadow and poured his magical energy into it. He face screwed up with concentration and formed an object in his mind. It was a tall man with long spiky hair. He held a katana similar to Melden. He wore armor underneath his white jacket and his legging armor was attached outside his baggy pants. He had one other katana in its scabbard.

He also had a pair of small pure white wings. Khor focused on him harder than he had any other shadow before it. He started to rise out of the ground and take solid form. Though still just a silhouette he was taller than Khor. Khor stood there starring at the shadow he had summoned from his world. The silhouette had round, blank, white eyes with no pupils. They starred at each other. The shadow bent down and offered Khor his sword, the ultimate sign of loyalty. Khor took it and said


This did not make much sense at all, to me. First you're describing Khor, and then this shadow dude, and Nick is all, "what in the world?". Clarify, please.

And when does Knall-Who-Lives-Under-A-Rock come into play again?? I liked him. Shades are awesome. :D

~Sumi :P





It's unsettling to know how little separates each of us from another life altogether.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore