Even as Khor thought this he noticed that the other dead-things were starting to crawl back out of the shops and homes. With one last look at the gigantic dead, Khor turned on his heel and ran for an open stone road.
As Khor ran from the dead-things he encountered many on his way as he was attempting to leave town. While running, Khor summoned his shadow guardian and it ran with him, fending off any monster that came too close. Khor was nearing the edge of the city and the numbers of dead swelled up, all were following in his wake.
The dead-things no longer crawled but instead jumped massive distances. They could apparently climb walls with ease as many did. Khor glanced back as he ran madly for the edge of Cyte. The streets were completely crowded and the dead were now climbing on the walls and over each other. Khor’s feeling of anxiety increased and he quickened his pace.
The lights of all the buildings twinkled down on Khor in the darkness. He could see the open fields on the outskirts of town, now. With a slight feeling of relief he continued running from the dead-things that perused him tirelessly. He eventually left the hard metal streets and was running on open field of grass.
He passed many of the strange cow-things and the large flightless birds. They whirled passed him as he continued his mad dash from the dead. Khor was slowly approaching the Rythrin Forest and fell away from the city.
Khor closed his eyes and ran as hard as he could, his shadow guardian following easily down by his feet. As he got further away from the city he was now tripping over roots and having to squeeze in between trees. He slowed and finally stopped.
Khor whipped around and saw the humongous dead pulling itself out of the city and the other, smaller dead-things closing faster. Khor put the first two finger of each hand up and met them together with one slightly above the other. This process was used to concentrate on the flow of magic and was called the Favthom.
Khor closed his eyes and strained to remember the casting words. “!” He shouted. The instant he finished a blue flame danced in front of his eyes. He felt its warmth and reached out to grab it. He held the blue fireball tightly in his hand, its heat lessened to be carried easily.
This was known as the Flame of Guiding Light. In basic terms it translates “I call upon the flame of guiding light to show the way and shield from darkness!”
Khor was running again before he knew it. He was tangled in vines and tripping over roots as he ran through the thick Rythrin Forest. A blue light danced brightly before him, pointing out nasty roots or large potholes. Khor glanced back quickly and saw the forest was only slightly slowing down the dead-things. They, apparently, didn’t maneuver well with dense trees around them. They resulted to running with their arms dangling behind. Khor felt this particularly nauseating.
He didn’t let this stop him however. He attempted to quicken his pace in the dense forest. He often had to slip through a gap in the trees in order to keep his momentum. It was quickly getting darker. The light of the nearby city was slowly fading. Even the stars got winked out as the tops of the trees closed in and blocked the sky. Khor was now completely relying on the Flame of Guiding Light. Its blue light created a small circle around Khor as he ran and was the only source of light - as far as Khor knew - in the entire forest.
He was slowly outrunning the dead-things that were chasing him but didn’t slow his pace. He wanted as much space between himself and the dead-things as the burned academy was from the Black Mountains. Khor whipped his head back and saw nothing but darkness.
He slowed down and sat with his back up to a gnarled tree. He lowered the Flame of Guiding Light and brushed the sweat that was running down from his face with a sleeve of his white jacket. He looked back once more and saw the trees branches rustling in the faint wind.
He turned back around with his eyes closed and settled back down. He sighed deeply. He slowly opened his eyes to the faint blue light of his Flame of Guiding Light. Khor was starring into empty, lifeless eye sockets. A dead was leaning over him with his face so close to Khor's he could smell rot of dead and the smell of smoke.
“AHHHHHH!” Khor screamed, completely terrified. The dead thing stood up and raised its hand, Khor closed his eyes. A second went by that seemed like days. Another passed and soon many. Khor slowly opened his eyes and saw his Shadow Guardian standing over the carcass of the dead thing, holding out his hand. Khor took it. It felt cool and soft at the same time. The shadow guardian nodded and slipped back down into Khor’s shadow.
Khor could hear his heartbeat as loud as if it was right next to him. Khor was running so fast his feet barely skimmed the ground. He held the Flame of Guiding Light in his left hand and was blocking any stray branches away with his right as he ran through the darkness of The Rythrin Forest.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think this section needed more description and the repetition of the 'dead things' got rather annoying. Can't you give them an official name or something? Or perhaps refer to them as creatures or bodies or carcasses every now and then. Other than that, I liked the action and the part at the end with the shadow coming to the rescue was good.
Here's the usual few pointers -
The streets were completely crowded and the dead were now climbing [s]on[/s] up the walls and over each other.
Khor was slowly approaching the Rythrin Forest[s] and fell away from the city[/s]. [You mention that he's heading away from the city too often and this part was phrased rather awkwardly anyway so just remove it.]
Khor [s]felt[/s] found this particularly nauseating.
Khor was [s]starring[/s] staring into empty, lifeless eye sockets.
Need I say it..,all right, I will. Here I am yet again!
Good action, etc. Exciting read! *echoes all Reenjaygay said.* (that's greenjay in latin. the urban latin, used specifically by pigs.)
A couple of other things as well. You're going along with this cool box-term magic thing, making blue flame and fighting off the living dead-things and whatever, and suddenly *BAM!* we're smacked in the face by two sentences of info dump.
Definitely try to work this in some other way. Don't ask me how! I know what needs to be done but have no clue how to do it. Helpful, aren't I?
Oh, and just before the previous quote, I just noticed again...
again, interrupting the flow. Although I must admit, 'Favthom' is a cool word!
Section in bold is unnecessary. If the fact that there will be other lights comes in later, find another way to hint at it.
Too many 'slows' too close together. I would suggest deleting the first one and keeping the second one. I'm a little confused as to the third one. How much later is this? He doesn't slow his pace, whips his head around, then slows his pace? Hmmmm.
Anyway, overall good section! Keep it up.
Most sincerely yours,
I think that's how you'd say it.
This sentance is kind of a given. You already know that he's running, it's kind of repetative. I'd say try something like this "Out of every house and shed they poored, filling the air with their awful stench (or mabye 'filling the road behind him')"
It's pursued.
Either "on open fields of grass" or "on an open field of grass"
"He" shouldn't be capatalized.
Cool! The story continues! Write on!
-Some random pun on greenjay