The two ran for what seemed like days but was only a few hours. Khor could no longer feel the presence of the dead but he knew they would be searching for them. The trees eventually became fewer and they could at last see daylight.
They came out upon a large rocky cliff overlooking Cyte. The Shade sat down and was obviously breathing hard. Khor stood at the edge and looked down. It was at least seventy feet to the bottom. Khor looked out and saw large smoke pillars rolling out of the city below them.
He turned around and saw the Shade was standing. “!” A black force field surrounded the Shade and Khor half-smiled. “I still don’t trust you Shade.” Khor walked past him. He glanced back and remembered he was magically tied up and surrounded. He left the cliff and returned to the forest.
Khor returned to the cliff a few hours later to find the Shade with his back to him, sitting with his legs crossed. He returned with firewood and soon set ups a blazing fire and set up a reasonable shelter.
He cooked his food before nightfall and ate it in the dark so the fire and smoke wouldn’t alert the dead-things. He felt the eyes of the Shade stare at him while he was eating his strip of meat and his bottled water.
Tired of having eyes on him while he ate, he eventually turned his back and finished his diner. When he returned his attention to the Shade he was still staring at him. He stood and put away the knife he used to eat.
Completely drained of magic Khor didn’t have time to set a barrier to conceal their hiding spot or protect it. “Well, goodnight Shade.” He then lay on the sheet of rock and attempted to get comfortable. After lying awake for several minutes he eventually fell asleep.
Unseen to Khor, the Shade reached into his black skin and retrieved the tiny piece of mirror, the only thing he really had left. He gazed at it for several hours and soon drifted off to sleep. While still wondering what things the new day would bring.
The morning brought the smell of smoke and a dark sky. Khor awoke early and looked up. The sky was completely dark, with clouds still swirling over the city. He also noticed the city was still burning, there were only wreckages left. Sitting in the center of the city, near the tower, was the humongous dead.
The city was still completely crawling with the smaller dead. It looked as if the remains of the city were moving because of all the dead-things crawling over everything. Khor turned back to look at the Shade who had his eyes closed and was apparently muttering something.
Khor walked over and tapped Melden on the surface of the field. It pulsed at the touch of the cold metal. The Shade glanced up momentarily, only to return to muttering. “What are you doing?” Khor asked leisurely. The Shade didn’t respond and continued muttering. “I’m going off to explore…” said Khor lamely. Dang it, now I’m talking to it! Khor rubbed his forehead and walking into the forest.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The others seem to have caught all the mistakes but I'd like to make a general observation. This part was interesting but not only was it short, it was also rather choppy. For a scene that has no action, you have too many short sentences and too little description. Linger more on the burning of the city. Describe the colours, the crumbling buildings and the surrounding area. Also, what sort of shelter does Khor set up? Be a little more specific and give your reader something to visualise.
i think you should reword this sentance. First, bottled water is just stupid in a fantasy story. Second he can't eat water which is what it sounds like, so I'd say reword it.
Well i don't really have much to say. It was good though!
-Greenjay
Sorry Pol, I keep on reading this in the wrong order.
Well, duh, if he's breathing hard, he's breathing hard. Nix the bit in red and put a comma there.
I have this trouble. Try to avoid repeating words and names too often.
What's with the squares?
Is this the Shade or Khor? Rewrite this for clarity's sake. It ain't half confusing this way.
Ups = up.
Nix the repetition again.
Stare = staring sounds better.
Take the second "his" out.
Diner = dinner.
Comma after "the Shade". And the "he" directly after feels too ambiguous. Say "it" or something else to refer to the Shade.
Run these two sentances together to make it flow better.
Makes it sound like the sky is smelling.
You've already said the sky's dark.
I know it seems like whenever I comment, I say what's wrong with this, but your style is getting better with each chapter.
I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too! Woo hahaha! *high-pitched evil witch laugh*
As you said, this was pretty much just...er...short. Not a whole lot to it. Although Khor's prejudice against the poor Knall is just infuriating. I wish Knall would do something cool FAST! and Khor would fall on his knees entreatingly! And what's happening to the poor gryphon without Knall there to care for it?
Hem...overall good writing. Let's start from the beginning, shall we? *High-pitched wicked witch laugh.*
Why did the hours seem like days? Usually there's a reason. Were they tired? Scared? Angry? Uncomfortable? Unhappy?
They and them. a little confusing here. Which group is 'they' and which is 'them'? Clarify. And in the last sentence, I would say: "As they ran, the trees became fewer until they could at last see daylight." See the difference?
Bad sentence. Try: "The Shade dropped to the ground and Khor could see him breathing heavily." or something like that. Obviously...obviously for whom? Khor? It's not obvious to the reader...we can't see him. Specify, specify!
Comma after 'you.' I still don't trust you, Shade.
Who is 'he'? It's not clear. You need to say Khor instead of 'he.'
Repeated 'set up' (there's a typo in the first one, by the way). I would suggest saying "soon started a blazing fire' and leave the second 'set up' the same. By the way, what's a reasonable shelter? A shelter that can talk?
Khor has bottled water?
diner = dinner. On the 'he'...again, unclear who 'he' is. I would say 'the creature' or 'those yellow eyes' or some such.
Which is it? Completely drained of magic or no time? The two aren't connected. I think you use the word 'eventually' too much. After several minutes isn't 'eventually.' I would say "he was only awake for several minutes before drifting off to sleep" or something like that.
Black skin? I'm assuming it's a pouch of some sort, and he's not reaching into his own skin, right? Oh, and combine the last two sentences and take out the 'while.'
Again, inconsistency with time. 'several hours' and 'soon' don't mix. This, in fact, might be a better place to put 'eventually.'
Don't need the completely. Repeated 'crawling.' And you don't need the 'apparently.' We're assuming Khor is smart enough to tell when someone is muttering something. He's not 'apparently' muttering something, he just is.
All right? Of course right. Good job and looking forward to the next chapter in which Knall kicks butt, right? *meaningful grin*
Yours most faithfully and always,