Unknown Story Chap. 5 part 3

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Khor had been visiting the city called Cyte for many days now. He could now easily navigate a few of the more common streets. Khor couldn’t help but notice every day before sunset all the people were secure in their homes.

He had been exploring the shops and took a great interest in a cheap pair of sorcerer’s gauntlets. They were white, with a rune symbol on the palms. They were ten crowns. In the nation of Dyphrobis there were two types of currency. The first was a small golden coin called a crown. The other was a large silver coin called a tower.

Early in the morning Khor woke so he could visit the library again. He couldn’t get over the fact that she simply ignored him. He wouldn’t give up for anything. As he approached the town the nets from the tower winked down at him.

As he walked through the fields he noticed they had fewer animals grazing on the grass than usual. Lots of weird things seemed to be happening lately. The people in the town have been acting strange, the livestock have been disappearing, no one was on the streets after dark and there seemed to be fewer shoppers on the streets.

Khor walked the stone roads and heard the clank! of his boots whenever the tapped on the stone. The streets were completely deserted. It was early in the morning so he assumed the roads would be packed with people.

Khor could see the central tower loom over the city as its silver nets caught the light and reflected it onto the city streets. Khor peered into the shop windows and saw all the windows had “Closed” signs on them.

Khor suddenly became very worried. He approached the old stone library. Apparently it was closed as well. He pressed his nose on the window and couldn’t see a single person. When did this place suddenly go ghost town? I mean, where the heck is everybody? Khor peered into every shop he passed and all were closed.

Khor stood in the center square. He neared the fountain and surveyed the buildings hugging the open space. Khor stared at the tower where the silver nets swayed in the wind. The sky behind them was suddenly darkened by clouds.

Black clouds circled around the tower and loomed over the rest of the city. Khor gasped and stepped back. “What the-?”

“Moon pendants.” Came a very low voice. Khor whirled around searching for the speaker.

“Amazing, really. The stones absorb the moon’s energy and store them to be used for The Crossing.” A figure in a black coat suddenly stepped out of a small crack of light that soon became a doorway of brilliant brightness that materialized on the spire of the water fountain. The figure was wearing a black cloak that reached down to his black boots. The hood was pulled up, covering his face in darkness. His hands concealed by black gloves.

“Who are you?!” Khor shouted. The clouds stirred and soon covered the entire sky. The figure put a gloved hand under the hood and seemed to be rubbing its eyes.

“The moon pendants act as a magnet to keep the wearer in this dimension and therefore guarantee a safe return.” The figure cupped his right elbow in his left hand and raised his right hand to let his chin rest upon it. “It really makes no sense. Why would they choose you? Are you to be the savior? Then again… You did survive the attack.” Finally something made sense.

“Hey are you talking about the school?! What do you mean them?!” The figure let up a small laugh as if he was forced to.

“You’re not very smart are you?” He gave up another laugh, this time it was genuine. “I find it interesting,” he said, completely changing his tone, “You run from the shadows yet you let them fight by your side. You, I and everyone in this world are in some small way, tied to the darkness” Khor quickly glanced at his shadow, surreptitiously hiding in the form of its master, he felt it twitch.

“The moon pendants are the only thing keeping the poor people of this tiny town rooted to this world and making sure… monsters don’t come back in their place. The Crossing is when all members that have settled into this cozy little town must say goodbye to their comfortable beds and enter another dimension.” The black clad figure raised his arms and the clouds swirled once more. Khor drew Melden and bent down, ready to attack.

The figure laughed hysterically this time. “Your really think you can injure me with such a toy?” He pointed to Melden and laughed again. “Well go on and try!” He opened his arms wide as if to embrace Khor. Infuriated, Khor raced towards the figure, anger fueling his attack.

The figure continued laughing and stood there carelessly. Khor leaped and thrust Melden towards his heart. With a look of shock Khor fell right through the figure and landed, face-first into the stone floor behind the figure.

He laughed again and turned to face Khor, sprawled out on the ground. “You really aren’t very smart, are you?” He laughed again and put his hand back up to his forehead. Khor lifted his head to face the man in the black coat.

Khor heard a scream and whipped his head around. It seemed to have come from a nearby house. As he turned around and stood up Khor realized the black figure was just as alarmed as Khor.

He dropped his voice to a whisper now. “They’re coming back… Why did they send me? None of us will make it out alive…” He looked petrified and snapped his fingers. A doorway of light reappeared and he stepped backward through it uttering one last word, “Run.”

The door closed and disappeared. Khor turned around and looked at the winding streets leading away from the main square. He turned his gaze to the clouds that now looked upset and started to twist and swirl. Khor heard a crash and whipped around feverishly attempted to discover what was going on.

There were dark figures bustling about the dark shops and homes. The crashing noises increased and the buildings seemed to be filled with swirling darkness and indescribable figures. Khor’s mind raced with fear and possibilities. Khor heard a crash, louder than the ones before. All the other crashes were silenced to be replaced by a steady, constant rumble.

Khor stood silently, listening. It came again, and once more. Then, in one boom! All the windows broke sending shattered pieces of glass flying across the central square. The ground beneath Khor’s feet shook and the wooden doors to the shops and houses flew open.

Inside was only darkness. Twisting, shrieking, darkness. Though they could not be seen Khor felt as if a thousand eyes were all drawn to him. The resounding boom! came and Khor whirled around, looking for what he assumed was the greater danger.

Khor’s gaze fell on an open doorway. A dark, charred, burned, dead-looking hand inched its way out and rested on the outside wall. Soon after a body that matched the hand followed. It looked even more burned… even more dead.

Where its mouth would be seen was stitched shut. Its eyes, only empty sockets. It would have stood to the height of a normal man, but dragged out the rest of its body as if it was crippled. Its charred head turned to look at Khor.

When Khor turned around he saw at least five of the same dead creatures crawl out of each house or shop. He was completely surrounded. Another boom! All the creatures halted. They cocked their heads and looked around, creating a horrible crackling noise. Another rumble. All the creatures retreated madly back into the homes and shops.

Khor sighed and sheathed Melden. He looked around already feeling relaxed. Boom! It sounded closer now. Once it was further away, but now… Boom! Khor looked around viciously. Where is it?! He drew Melden and looked around once more.

At last Khor saw something. It rose over the tops of the tallest buildings and stood higher than the central tower. It was an imitation of the smaller dead. It was nearly 270 feet tall. It rose high and it turned its burned head towards Khor and let out an ear-piercing shriek. Khor looked in its eye sockets and thought Okay, now, its time to run.

Comments & reviews · 5
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Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Sun Sep 02, 2007 1:53 pm

A rather action packed installment and you left it on a cliff-hanger which is always a good idea. A few specific comments -

The people in the town [s]have[/s] had been acting strange, the livestock [s]have[/s] had been disappearing, no one was on the streets after dark and there seemed to be fewer shoppers [s]on[/s] in the streets.

“Amazing, really. The stones absorb the moon’s [s]energy[/s] rays/energies and store them to be used for The Crossing.”

Khor heard a crash and whipped around feverishly [s]attempted[/s] attempting to discover what was going on.

It was nearly [s]270[/s] two hundred and seventy feet tall.
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In general a good plot but try not to go on about Khor being the saviour too much. It's a good chapter though.

User avatar
Poltergiest
Comment

Thanx everyone for the great crits. I will write more soon and if theres and anomunus vote I'll post the next today. Thanx again!

~Pol

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greenjay
Review

As he approached the town the nets from the tower winked down at him.

I know what you're getting at, but you should try to word that better.

Lots of weird things seemed to be happening lately. The people in the town have been acting strange, the livestock have been disappearing, no one was on the streets after dark and there seemed to be fewer shoppers on the streets.

You suddenly switched tenses for one sentance. It should he "had been acting strange" and "had been disappearing."

Khor walked the stone roads and heard the clank! of his boots whenever the tapped on the stone.

Cut the exclamation point, it is fine and more grammatically correct without it.

“Your really think you can injure me with such a toy?”

You not your.

Okay, disappearing townspeople, other worlds, black whirlwinds, evil chared scary dead things, and even better GIANT evil chared scary dead things! I could hardly do better myself!!! You've got me utterly hooked man!

Keep up the mystery, give the reader enough info as not to be confused, but make him not know what's up the corner, what's going to happen next. Maybe add some mystery as to who Khor really is (all I know is that he was at that school).

Anywho, awesome, great, and sweet!

-Not a giant creepy half-dead scorched evil monster, The Green One

PS: write more quick! or...I'll sick my giant monster on you (and mine's bigger than yours :P)

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SishBee
Review

Wow Pol!!! write the next bit quick!!!!!!

I couldn't find any errors but I was so engrossed in the story I wasn't checking really properly :)

Write more.....NOW!

~SishBee~
x

User avatar
sokool15
Review

Here I am, once again *singing*

Um...overall, good. AGain, I'm a little lost since I haven't been able to read the whole thing, but I trust I can still crit this one, right?

I noticed on a LOT of the paragraphs in your story...they all started with 'Khor.' A lot of sentences, too.

Khor walked the stone roads and heard the clank! of his boots whenever the tapped on the stone. The streets were completely deserted. It was early in the morning so he assumed the roads would be packed with people.

Khor could see the central tower loom over the city as its silver nets caught the light and reflected it onto the city streets. Khor peered into the shop windows and saw all the windows had “Closed” signs on them.

Khor
suddenly became very worried. He approached the old stone library. Apparently it was closed as well. He pressed his nose on the window and couldn’t see a single person. When did this place suddenly go ghost town? I mean, where the heck is everybody? Khor peered into every shop he passed and all were closed.

Khor stood in the center square. He neared the fountain and surveyed the buildings hugging the open space. Khor stared at the tower where the silver nets swayed in the wind. The sky behind them was suddenly darkened by clouds.


Gets a little irritating after a while...one other thing I noticed.

“Who are you?!” Khor shouted. The clouds stirred and soon covered the entire sky. The figure put a gloved hand under the hood and seemed to be rubbing its eyes.
“The moon pendants act as a magnet to keep the wearer in this dimension and therefore guarantee a safe return.”


Why is Khor shouting? It just sounds sounds a little...over reacting. Is that the way Khor is in the story? I don't think 'shouting' is the right response the circs. Perhaps, whispered in fear or some such.

Overall, good writing! I give you permission to continue *haughtily glares down nose* :wink:



Perhaps the real rickroll was the friends we made along the way
— GengarIsBestBoy