~Chapter Four~
Seize
The sound of marching feet continued to grow louder and louder until Khor could see the lifeless eyes of the Shades. They marched in perfect unison and had their ladder carriers in the front of the lines. Spark Light Academy’s Instructors were perched on the top of the wall along with Khor and Jhere. They gazed down upon the charging attackers. Khor heard a clap of thunder. He looked up as it started to rain. He took in a deep breath and unsheathed Melden. Jhere did the same with his cutlass.
“You know were going to die here, right?” Jhere looked at Khor through the haze of the rain.
“Yea. I know,” replied Khor “But the important thing is that we do something amazing with the only time we have left in our lives. That’s what really matters.”
“What’s this I hear? Emotion?” Jhere said sarcastically. Khor smiled as he looked out on the ocean where the rain drops were now completely upsetting the water. A bolt of lightning roared in the distance and, in the second of light, Khor saw thousands of boats. They were crowding the water and heading straight for the castle.
“Boats! Shades in the water!” Screamed Khor as he ran for the nearest instructor. Jhere followed. The large, Inventing Instructors tuned to look out at the water. Another bolt of lightning. There were even more boats there than a second ago.
“Shades in the water!!”
The word spread fast and the castles defenses spread thin on all sides of the wall. The water was soon lit up by people firing flares across the ocean. They lit up thousands of warships surrounding the small island, including the twenty thousand Shades attempting to raid the front gate.
Khor heard the creak! and bam! sounds of catapults being fired across the water. The fiery projectiles lit up the ships then smashed into them. There were many screams of orders to fire, to line up in rank and to release arrows. Amidst all this chaos Khor trusted in his skill at surviving. It was the only thing he had at the moment.
Khor looked back towards the bridge were the immediate danger was. Shades were setting up ladders and climbed them as quickly as they marched up to the gates. Most Shades didn’t bother to climb the ladders but instead scaled the walls by themselves. Their claws gripping the wall and scaling it easily.
The constant noises of upright battle swarmed in Khor’s mind as he attempted to remain focused. Shades were coming faster then the Instructors could stop them and the warships were now propping ladders onto the side of the wall now. The rain was pouring harder than Khor had ever seen in his entire life. Thunder broke the constant screams and yells for a few seconds. Khor looked at a ladder that was placed near him and about one second latter a nine foot tall, black, yellow eyed Shade crawled onto the top of the wall. Khor let all fear drain out of him. He raised Melden and ran towards the black monster.
The Shade looked amused at him. It cocked its head and watched Khor run at it. Khor jumped and with one mighty heave slashed down his katana. It made a very large cut down the Shades right shoulder. Thick black liquid ran down on the floor and flooded the stone. The monster shrieked as it crumpled to the ground. An ear piercing shriek that burned Khor’s eardrums. He saw Jhere run past him and strike at the next Shade that had stepped away from the ladder it had just recently climbed.
Khor ran over and knocked the ladder of the wall and sent it into the sea. Khor looked around as more Shades surrounded himself and Jhere. Their eyes glowing palely in the mist of the rain. Khor rushed at the nearest knot of large black figures. He unleashed a war cry and moved too quickly for the surprised Shades to follow. When they, at last, tracked his movement he had already slain eight more Shades, their thick, jet black blood flooding off the wall.
Khor and Jhere stood in the small pool of their opponent’s blood. Khor noticed that the other Instructors weren’t doing so well. Many were being slain at the claws of a fast or the largest in the certain group of Shades.
The Shades were quickly seizing the castle as the defenders were hopeless to repel the attackers. They spilled into the courtyard Khor had walked through every day. They quickly burst open the doors to the part of the castle where the students looked worriedly out upon the mass of Shades and the blood of humans. Screams echoed from inside the castle and Khor saw darkness spread inside the brightly lit castle he knew so well.
The Shades no longer needed the ladders; they climbed the walls quicker than they could climb the ladders.
“We’re over run. We have to fall back.” Said Khor as he stood there, motionless.
“But, we can’t just leave everybody! Everyone in the entire castle will be killed!”
“Stay here if you want but I’m going.” Replied Khor, sadly.
“Alright… let’s-“ The Shades came out of nowhere. They leapt into the air, filling up the sky. They came down on Khor and Jhere, standing alone. Khor tried to fight off the Shades but there were too many of them. He knew Jhere had died. There was nothing he could do. Khor slashed down, killing one more Shade. He summoned the presence he had always felt lingering down at his feet.
Khor’s mighty shadow guardian rose. He cut down another Shade in one blow. The two worked together flawlessly. They both covered each others backs and helped in slaying the Shades. There were over two hundred Shades on the wall with Khor and his shadow. They were surrounded.
Khor’s guardian took a blow to the stomach from a large Shade and retreated back to his own world. Khor felt the blow just as much as the guardian. He fell to his knees and coughed up blood. He quickly mopped his mouth up with a sleeve. Desperately he looked around for some kind of escape. His eyes found the boats. Khor jumped off the wall, flying towards the nearest warship. He soared in the air and saw the yellow eyes of the Shades staring in astonishment.
He landed on the metal deck hard. Khor was lucky the ship had only just begun to move away when he landed. Khor saw about fifty Shades crowded on the ship. He had no mercy. “You! You killed Jhere! You killed the Head Master! You killed the little kids!!” He screamed as he struck down the smaller Shades on the ship. Khor could slowly feel the energy flow out from him.
Soon the crumpled bodies of Shades littered the ship. He looked around and lightly touched the steering wheel of the ship with his blood-stained hands. The rain was beginning to clear. The sun was coming up. A red sun.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hmm. I think you need to linger more on Jhere's death and certainly cut down the number of shades Khor kills. But yeah, Jhere shouldn't die so suddenly. By this point I'd grown quite fond of him but I didn't feel too sad when Khor noticed that he was dead because Khor wasn't sad enough if that makes any sense. A few typos and such that haven't been mentioned -
They marched in perfect unison and had their ladder carriers [s]in[/s] at the front of the lines.
The large, Inventing Instructors turned to look out at the water.
Shades were coming faster [s]then[/s] than the Instructors could stop them and the warships were now propping ladders onto the side of the wall [s]now[/s].
Khor looked at a ladder that was placed near him and about one second [s]latter[/s] later a nine foot tall, black, yellow eyed Shade crawled onto the top of the wall.
In general, this combat scene needs work but you have some potential for a really dramatic scene here if you work on Jhere's death a little.
Thumbs up!
One thing. Khor must be like a superhero or something. I know most main characters can do really amazing things, but killing 60 or more 8ft+ shades, with long claws, is a bit much. My suggestion is to tone things down a bit (only have a 5-20 shades on the ship instead of 50, also he could land in the water and then climb up the side, killing them one by one sneakily, without the other shades knowing). Also you could later explain, or he could later figure out, that he had some great power that made him so fast and such a good fighter. You could then expand on that, he could train with his (probably magical) power, and eventually could take on TONES of shades in really awesome battles.
That would be cool! Anyway good job, keep updating.
-The Green person (not at all related to green peace)
hey.... awesome work! i love it..... keep writing
Deerahmah!
Were = we're
Yea = yeah
S = s. You do this several times - nix it! Comma to finish speech, and a small letter for the tag, or whatever it's called.
Huh?
Castles = castle's
Repetition. Nix it.
Change this. Sounds awkward. "Choppy", as Sumi would say. Perhaps, "... lit up the ships before smashing into them."
Remember the thing about the commas, and Superman, and take all the comments peeps have given you on board.
-T