These are two love poems (if you can call them that) that I just wrote out of pure imagination. I wasn't thinking about anyone in particular, I just wrote. I'd like to get some comments if you have any. Thanks!
*Thanks to some comments below, I have made some little changes*
When we're apart...
It's like a bird with no wings,
Or like a rose with no petals.
It's like a guitar with no strings,
Or like a bike with no pedals.
It's like fire with no flame,
Or like a mine with no gold.
It's like winning to no game,
Or like a heart gone cold.
It's like a body with no soul,
Or like a smile with no happiness.
It's like a growing hole,
Eating me with loneliness.
When we're apart,
The feeling's so dense.
Bruised is my heart,
And nothing makes sense.
Blue eyed angel
Blue,
Mesmerising blue.
I stare deep,
Soaking in heaven,
Reflecting are my imperfections:
Satan's dreadful tricks.
But you,
My angel,
Bring out all good
And I repent,
I confess, surrender,
Because my love for you
Is as deep as the oceans.
Oceans as blue-
Glistening,
Splendid,
As your eyes.
Your hypnotising eyes
Glittered by the Sun's
Golden rays
Making them shine...
Shine with that mesrmerising
blue.
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Wow! You're an amazing writer! One thing I didn't love was the first stanza of re first poem, though I know there's probably not much that rhymes with petals. Other than that, the only thing I think you might be able to make a bit better is start off the lines in the first poem with more things instead of just the "It's like" and "Or like." If you can find anything else to start some of the lines off with I think that would good, but its not a big problem. Keep writing! PM me if you have any other works. I'd really like to read them!
Hey there! I like the first poem better. The descriptions are great, your wording is fantastic. As for the second poem:
this line seems a little out of place. I'm not really sure how to read this with the rest of the poem; it seemed king of choppy and awkward. However, I liked this one as well. Great job on both, though the first is still my favorite!Hello there
Thank you for requesting my services. I'm not much of a poet but I'll try my best to give you a helpful review
When we're apart...
So I really liked this one. I really like how you made the comparison of vital things in certain objects to the subject.
This stanza is excellent! Especially the line that is in bold. Now this stanza is my favourite because I like your choice of words as an introduction to the poem. They really brought it forward and I, in all aspects, brushed away the cliché because they were too good of a comparison. I liked that.
This ending was sort of disappointing. I'm mostly referring to the flow. I mean the poem in itself has a calm and romantic mood to it from the first three stanzas. That's how I interpreted it from the choice of words and flow. I would have liked to see a spiced up ending. Something that ends the poem well and again get rid of a little cliché that this ending has. I don't know, maybe you could replace 'Things' with 'It' (just a suggestion).
Blue eyed angel
In this one, I really appreciated the comparison of good and bad you had going on there.
Again, I love you choice of words over here. The ocean is blue and so are the eyes; and then that's how deep the love is...now that's what I'm talking about!
The end again, I have a problem with. Actually this part doesn't strike me as an end because I still feel you can continue with something. It does not conclude things properly for me quite honestly. I also find it very unnecessary because it's made this a little repetitive. You already pointed before that these eyes are so mesmerising.
Overall I really liked these poems. I will tell you this, if no one has, you are quite the love poet! You really know how to base your words in this type of topic; even if these poems were not specifically based on anyone, they are quite believable and I enjoyed them very much. It's something you should look into.
Thank you so much for welcoming me into your world, and I hope I could help.
Keep writing and good luck!
Hello! I'll begin with some comments about the first piece.
I quite like it, especially since you didn't have anyone in particular, though you could kind of tell it was just out of pure imagination. Though a lot of your comparisons were pretty general, I feel like you made the poem believable and flow well. The only problem I had was the ending, it kind of abruptly stopped. I know its sometimes difficult to think of how to end a piece, but maybe try and make it flow just like the rest of your stanzas, and end with a powerful note like you did. It'll make the ending seem like it belongs with the poem more
And now for your second one. I like how you compare the oceans to her eyes without making it sound corny and cliché. There are a couple spelling errors, "hypnotising" should be "hypnotizing" and "mesrmerising" should be "mesmerizing".
In all I think you did a good job. I like how the poems are two completely different formats, shows your creativity
Keep writing!
<3 Sara.
Hey there! I'm going to make this quick because I only found a few errors. The freeform was really good. Firstly, in the first poem you said pedals/ petals twice, which means it didn't rhyme it was just the same. And in the second poem, you spelled mesmerizing wrong. Where I put the Z, you put an S. But other than that its good =]