This poem is for Nightshade's contest. We were to choose a song from a list and write a poem inspired by it. The title of the song I chose is at the bottom because I’d prefer it if you read the poem first and guess which song I was inspired by. Please please please tell me what you think!
A sip of the sub-zero drink Froze my lips as it passed From the glass down to my throat, Pricking away at my tongue.
The anticipated bitterness Woke my nervous taste buds. For so long they had been away From such a dreaded taste.
The scorching air around us Weighed down greatly, And it brought it back- It brought us that memory:
That fifth day of May. That image of him dead. That speeding ambulance. That blistering heat.
Mummy with seven children. Mummy alone. Mummy depressed. Mummy ill.
We’d wished to save her, But the butterflies led her. The shimmering, glimmering Butterflies, seduced her once more.
The thought of it all Made me detest and regret The glass of lemonade I held In my hand, in the roasting heat.
Even when I picture it: The half-filled glass by his side, The pillow case on his head, I can’t help myself but drink.
A sip of the sub-zero juice Froze my heart as it passed From my conscience to my needs, Stabbing away at my guilt.
Spoiler! :
The song I chose for this poem was: Cocorosie- Lemonade. I hope you liked it!
This is a really good poem! It is very dark and mysterious, which makes me almost wish there was more. You clearly have a very strong talent as a poet. Bravo. I unfortunately, have nothing negative to say. So keep up the good work! Also, a review on one of my pieces would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for posting this so that many more may enjoy it. Keep on writing.
I liked this one! It was an ordinary topic written in an unusual way and the imaginary and the use of words were excellent. I liked the last stanza the best, especially the first two rows - brilliant! I'm sure there's some nitpicks and small errors that I cannot find, but even if there is... this was still a great poem. Very well done! Notify me if you need something else reviewed, I'd like to read some more of your works!
I really enjoyed this. It was an interesting poem and I could feel the emotion flowing out of the poem. It was really interesting and I liked how you put it togetherm sort of awkwardly. Keep writing
Hey! I've never heard of that song before. As for your poem though, I enjoyed it. I liked the emotion and especially your word choice, like the bit about the butterflies and this: [quote]A sip of the sub-zero juice Froze my heart as it passed From my conscience to my needs, Stabbing away at my guilt.[quote] Both your beginning and ending were effective. The beginning made me want to read the rest, and the ending made me want to read it again. This is hard to do in poetry, at least for me, so I commend you for this. Your rhythm was good as well. I don't really have much to critique on in this poem, since I did like it so much. So good job, and if you ever need a review, you can always PM me. I'd love to see more from you.
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Please please please tell me what you think!
This is a really good poem! It is very dark and mysterious, which makes me almost wish there was more. You clearly have a very strong talent as a poet. Bravo. I unfortunately, have nothing negative to say. So keep up the good work! Also, a review on one of my pieces would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for posting this so that many more may enjoy it. Keep on writing.
I liked this one! It was an ordinary topic written in an unusual way and the imaginary and the use of words were excellent. I liked the last stanza the best, especially the first two rows - brilliant!
I'm sure there's some nitpicks and small errors that I cannot find, but even if there is... this was still a great poem.
Very well done! Notify me if you need something else reviewed, I'd like to read some more of your works!
I really enjoyed this. It was an interesting poem and I could feel the emotion flowing out of the poem. It was really interesting and I liked how you put it togetherm sort of awkwardly. Keep writing
Hey!
I've never heard of that song before. As for your poem though, I enjoyed it. I liked the emotion and especially your word choice, like the bit about the butterflies and this:
[quote]A sip of the sub-zero juice
Froze my heart as it passed
From my conscience to my needs,
Stabbing away at my guilt.[quote]
Both your beginning and ending were effective. The beginning made me want to read the rest, and the ending made me want to read it again. This is hard to do in poetry, at least for me, so I commend you for this.
Your rhythm was good as well. I don't really have much to critique on in this poem, since I did like it so much.
So good job, and if you ever need a review, you can always PM me. I'd love to see more from you.