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140,774 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
This was a little unnerving but passionate in my humble opinion.
I liked it. I would say I 'loved' it but then I'd have to face the fact that even though it kind of creeps me out, I can relate, insanely.
Not going to lie, this kind of creeped me out a bit xD.
Yes, yes, the prude that is Walker has come to review a piece of poetry that would mean I shan't be prudeish, but because it only had two reviews and the title entices me so, I came of my own accord to review this. That being said, please bear with me. I'm not great with topics like this.
First and foremost, this was very, very blatant. You were quite to the point with how the narrator is directing not only passion and emotion, but also being quite upfront and violent about it. It all seems so... creepy, in retrospect. And morbid. I understand that passion's song calls to all of us differently, but in this case I can't help but feel a little ill at ease when it came to such a subject matter.
Now, this is mostly an aesthetic displeasure, mind you. I personally feel that poetry is an art so it should reflect beauty in madness rather than simply stating madness. And by beauty, I mean that one can use there words to create a beautiful line filled with what could be either morbid or strange, or familial, or good. It depends on the point of it all. The problem being, a line without the beauty of words is simply a sentence. If we are creating nothing but stating something, then shouldn't that something best be put forth in prose? Or a paragraph?
Of course, on a deeper level, this poem is quite the.. er... dark. Visceral, if you will. This appeals very much to the sense of touch and of feeling. The blurred line between pain and what feels ultimately good. Its primal and its masochistic to say the least, but it definitely comes across without really holding anything back, which reminds me of a more primal substance.
Of course, if you're going to attempt this sort of subject matter - which is not an easy subject matter to say the least - a little subtlety might be your best bet. If not, you end up pushing out lines like this;
Which unfortunately made me giggle like a school girl whether or not that was your intentions to induce such an... interesting imagery.
In any case, this got your point across, and though its not necessarily my cup of tea, it definitely showed that you are working with the senses rather then simply telling, which is a good start. So keep practicing and hopefully, next time, I can give you a review that isn't so flighty and lackluster xD.
~Walker
Wow, a really nice piece and I definitely enjoyed it. I speak from personal experience that a rhyme scheme can be a real pain in the backside, but you pulled it off fabulously here. There was one part that was a little dodgy and the person above me pointed it out too. The 'no need for us to talk much' part, that is. The voice in my head - not the insane one, just the one that reads the stories for me *paranoid look* - naturally halted after 'talk', and then it sort of forcefully lurched forward onto 'much', which destroyed the rhythym you had set up. Read it to yourself, I''m sure you'll notice it and it's a little ugly.
Oh, and speaking of little, in the last line of the first stanza,
I think using 'tiny' instead of 'little' builds the rhythym better and gives it a nicer ring to it. Play around with that one and see which one you prefer, because there's definitely nothing wrong with using 'little' here. Just a thought.
One more thing. Your secondto last stanza, the one with the samurai blade, it might only be my inner reading voice - in which case I should fire him... - but it's sort of a side-ways log in a flowing stream. It halts at random parts in sentences, and I know you did this to keep up the rhyme-scheme, but it's sort of awkward. Seems out of place in the poem as a whole.
All things said and done, I still really enjoyed this as I said in the beginning. Rhyming is hard and you did one helluva job here with it, so big props to you for that. A really hooking and powerful title too, so keep on writing stuff like this.
Hope this helps!
|Life|
First of all, I have to say I love the rhyme scheme here. I know from experience that it's a difficult one to follow through a whole poem.
Quote:
Let my skin burn where you touch,
Leave a bruise right there;
No need for us to talk much-
All emotions, our eyes bear.
I thought this part was a bit dodgey. The "No need for us to talk much" just didn't seem to fit. I know, I know, you had to fit the rhyme scheme, but I think that part needs a little review. Other than that, I didn't see any grammar errors or anything else to complain about
Keep up the great work!
~Redrum