Let me out for I am locked
in the hell-like dungeon of your soul,
screaming out only but the gasps of air
trapped in the bubbles of my own despair.
Love, I lost a thousand suns ago,
and I cry many void tears
in the darkness of your kisses, lost;
none will find the true value they cost.
Here now lies a heart of boulder
that was once a land of colours - splendid -
but Love hath left it to erode
abandoned, forgotten like a hidden code.
Let me out for I cannot breathe,
asphixiated by air itself.
I feel the blood course through my veins
but 'tis your life in my veins.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,774 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Mikko!
This is a fine poem, brilliantly narrated with the anguish of a trapped lover. The last stanza is pure gold. The descriptions are really vivid and that brutal yet factual style comes into light through the lines.
The rest of the poem is really good. And you've shown nice flair through it all. This is not your best according to me, but you definitely getting there
Thanks for sharing this piece. I enjoyed reading every line. As I always say, keep the ink flowing!
Murtuza
Hiya Mikko, long time no see.
Alright, what do we have here... hmm.
This poem comes of as pretty self explanatory. The speaker is infected by a tragic loss of love which "courses through [his/her] veins," suffocating the heart and the speaker's ability to carry on happily. Maybe there was some underlying meaning that I missed, but that's pretty much what I got out of it.
Though you may have had a few decent words in this piece that helped establish the overall emotion, I think you struggled most with setting the tone. Take the first stanza, for example.
The first three lines sound agonizing, weary from not being able to breathe. Then we move to line four and... wait... bubbles? Your despair is trapped within bubbles? Heh. In general I think bubbles carry a more playful connotation, so when you're trying to emphasize the struggle of the speaker, "bubbles" just ends up being an obstacle. There were other areas in the poem where your words could have been chosen more wisely, but I'll leave the choice of looking through to find them up to you, because this is your work, and I don't want to change it for you.
Overall I liked the poem. It's a bit cliche for my taste but that didn't really get in the way of taking the time to read and enjoying it. Don't be afraid to expand on your feelings a bit... though the rhyme/rhythm of the piece is good, I think you'd be just fine if you kept running with some of those stanzas and let them tell a bit more of their own story. If that makes sense.
This is so beautiful! I loved the rhyme scheme and the old fachioned language and the unusual vocabulary you use is just stunning... I am officially a fan XD
Hi there! I absolutely love this poem! I think that it covers a difficult topic perfectly. A lost love... Trying to find yourself... Understand and share how it feels... It's lovely! I like the different vocabulary you used in this poem and I don't there is much to fix! The only thing I would suggest is going through and seeing where you could add commas to help it flow a bit better. I looked through and added some, feel free to keep what you have though!(:
Keep Writing!
Chezka(:
Hey Mikko! Rose here!
Overall, this is an awesome poem (but then, pretty much all of yours are, so that's not surprising). It seems slightly different than the stuff you normally do, but then, it just might be. And if isn't just me, I'm not saying that's a bad thing, because you've done this very well.
This is definitely my favorite paragraph. It seems very lonely but still has a charm about it, and I like that. My favorite part is the first line. I don't know if you've ever listened to a band called Thirty Seconds to Mars, but they wrote a song called "100 Suns." It's one of my favorite songs of theirs and I was reminded of it when I read this. Great job!
The first line of this seems just a bit flat to me compared to the awesomeness of the rest of this. Again, it could just be me, but it's my opinion.
The only errors I saw with this had to deal with punctuation, namely commas. I was missing them in some places; I feel like adding them would've made this piece cleaner.
See?
Awesome work, as always! I can't wait to read what you come up with next!
Always keep writing!
-Rose
Hey Mikko! Dogs here! I really loved this piece! It flowed really well and i love your boulder eroding analogy. Everything here is soooo great! It's short, it's to the point, it dosn't drag on, it gets your message across, it has a profound effect on the reader, it flows perfectly, it sound frekan amazing, and it's an unique topic! I only really have one tiny nit pick and it could really go either way.
I really love your boulder eroding analogy but i don't like the word boulder lol. I suggest that maybe, instead, you replace it with "rock" or you could look on a Thesaurus and find a better synonym to boulder or rock. Apart from that i loved this piece! Props to you! Keep up the good work!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Omg! This is so lovely! I especially loved the second stanza about how you lost your love a thousand suns ago. Gave it an eternal feel, and a fine poem you have. You are very skilled at what you do. Be proud!!! You have done an awesome job in my opinion. Congratulations!!!