NOTE: This is the result of being woken up by your father's voice. O.o Awkward.
Whistlin' the same familiar
tune
as his Marlboro swings from
corner to corner.
That little indigo cap
he places on his head -
agein' like his rustin' bike
that creaks uphill.
My weary ol' Chucks'll do
if I want to catch a glimpse
of his
morning Sun-hidden face.
Do you think he'll notice me
followin' him 'round Croydon?
Whistlin' along to his tune
and breathin' in that Marlboro?
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140,177 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
Mikko,
<3 I liked this a lot. I do feel as though the voice is cute, but it also seems somewhat forced. Well, not necessarily forced, because it flows fine and it isn't something that is especially jarring. Rather, if I were to read it aloud, it sounds odd in my mouth, probably because certain vocabularies are inconsistent with the tone & voice.
For example, the poem starts with whistlin' and then immediately after "the same familiar" tune. Hum. That's odd. I kind of expected something like: whistlin' that same ol' tune.
There's a drawl here that should be maintained throughout. Just think drawl. Something like "familiar" has one too many syllables to be a properly drawl worthy word.
aging = agin' xD Looks kind of odd, doesn't it? But it's correct without the 'e'.
Question...what is aging, the cap or his head?
wanna?
And then in that same stanza, maybe change to breathin' ...? So it sounds: breathin' in. Much lovelier and flows better than breathe.ing.in.
Anyways, just some nitpicks. I really enjoyed the concept for this. ^ Though I didn't get a picture of a childish little boy at all, which I find interesting. I got more of a love feeling O_o Cause the speaker is chasing after a glance at his face and the scent of his Marlboro? (A mispelling there. I didn't even notice it til now). Maybe I drank too much coffee today. Ah well, it's good you left the poem open to interpretation, n'yeah?
~ As always, Audy
Hey Mikko. Scar here to review your poem. ^^
First off, a nit-pick. "Creek/s" is in reference to a tiny river, a stream. I think here, you meant "Creaks". Other than that, it's fine. The flow isn't great, but it's not needed here. It works wells just how it is. I like the idea of following the mail man around. It's amusing and kind of cute. I can't help imagining a little kid doing this. For such a short, childish kind of poem, it's wonderful.
Overall, I think this is a wonderful little poem. It's nice and sweet, and energetic. Brilliant. I like it, a lot. *clicks like* I hope this helped, even a little. And thank you very much for the wonderfully energetic and beautiful poetry. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!
~Scar